Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Respected Member
374 days clean
17 no MO

In a spare moment yesterday I decided to watch one of the many Dr Trish Leigh YouTube vids. There are tons by the way. She’s probably slightly too good looking to talk about men’s masturbation habits but one gets past that (or I did) easily enough. I would conclude she is a fan of hard core recovery. She slightly debunks the myth that masturbation is fine. She says that’s the message being promulgated in our schools sex ed classes, but she says most people are compulsive wankers. I won’t do the summary, you can go and watch it yourselves.

Wife safely ensconced in US. Look after her for me please. I sense when we spoke yesterday that this trip will be jointly very good for us.

Not much else to discuss today. Felt like one of those 24/48 hour flatlines started yesterday, No longer worried about that. It’s the healing brain playing tiny little tricks. Stay clean guys.
 

GBS

Respected Member
375 days no P
18 no MO

i read someone else say that the flatlines don’t bother them anymore. Strangely I am not quite as calm as that myself. I always seem to want to be itching for sex all the time and if I’m not I’m somehow different or broken. It’s madness because I know I am not broken and it’s the brain. It just a hangover habit from the dopamine deluge days of the past.

I was feeling like death yesterday to be honest, just a virus but not good. Flatline plus virus equals unhappy GBS.

Stay clean brothers and sisters.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
No I don't think your broken for wanting sex all the time. I would bang my wife every night if she had the energy. but for watch Trishes videos too her once a week is usually enough for her. Essentially our sex life is based on her drive. Want to talk about who is in control and gets what they want.

I watch Trish's videos too. She is very no nonsense and tells it like it is. Since breaking away from porn I no longer find a pretty lady a trigger. In fact I am starting to appreciate pretty much all ladies for who they are

Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Blondie

Respected Member
i read someone else say that the flatlines don’t bother them anymore. Strangely I am not quite as calm as that myself. I always seem to want to be itching for sex all the time and if I’m not I’m somehow different or broken. It’s madness because I know I am not broken and it’s the brain.
Don't worry @GBS, this too shall pass, you'll get your mojo back in no time. My small flatline has decidedly moved on and I'm back to my new normal, which means in the words of my Lady "I would do about anything and at all times of the day". Guilty as charged. :cool: But I don't, and that's the key.

She’s probably slightly too good looking to talk about men’s masturbation habits but one gets past that (or I did) easily enough.
Yes, she's very easy on the eyes, and smart too, which makes her even more sexy. Furthermore, since she treats this as an addiction and not some inherent fault with men or masculinity is also refreshing. I absolutely agree with her about the problems of masturbation as well, and the further I come along on this journey, the more those thoughts seem to be true. Even just refraining from orgasm from time to time during sex seems to have sped up my recovery. Basically what it comes down to is this, what has been over used and abused, needs to be given a break, even if it's "healthy" in of itself.
In fact I am starting to appreciate pretty much all ladies for who they are
Indeed @joepanic, this is one of my favorite aspects about of all of this.
 

GBS

Respected Member
376 days sober
19 days no MO

Thanks @joepanic - really good point how one of the barometers of recovery is looking at a woman and genuinely thinking “wow, what a beautiful face”, and not mentally undressing her. I am definitely with you on this one. There’s a certain relief when one gets there, and the relief itself (instead of thinking one was a wuss all of a sudden) that one’s brain is back to some form of purity is also deeply refreshing.

And thanks to @Blondie - on the Trish thing. I agree she’s not anti men and definitely in favour of calling it an addiction - but I also think she’s saying it’s really hard not to be addicted. She said in one of the videos that for masturbation to be healthy it needs not to be to porn obviously, not done to distress, and not very often. Indeed it ought to be scheduled. I would go so far as to say that she thinks compulsive masturbation is definitely the norm and it is stopping people having relationships and bad sex is happening all the time.

That book that I won’t write has got to be about that one central point. Society is choc full of people having pretty average sex, infrequently, and with some form of secret sex life on the side (not necessarily a physical affair but a secret nonetheless). Mainly a male problem but not exclusively. And even with this knowledge which I think most of us on here fully understand, it’s still really hard to stop. Porn is hard enough, but masturbation…..woahhh…..how realistic would it be to say just masturbate once a month and ideally never (if you have a partner)?

I feel this week is a huge test for me. Wife is in the US. I am here alone (when the kids are at school) with the dogs. Many things to do but no one watching over me. Of course I won’t watch porn. I could allow myself an MO after all it has been nearly three weeks. But I shall say no to that. It’s interesting being tested with such obvious opportunities in front of me, but it feels even better to be able to resist. In my head I have fast forwarded to a life where I never masturbate but when I feel an urge or frustration starts, say after a week, we both agree that making love would be nice and we just do it. Isn’t life that simple? Honestly though…..isn’t it?

I shall leave you to ponder. Back tomorrow for the next exciting episode.

PS forgot to mention, wife said she was homesick and was missing us all hugely. I can only read good into that.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
376 days sober
19 days no MO

Thanks @joepanic - really good point how one of the barometers of recovery is looking at a woman and genuinely thinking “wow, what a beautiful face”, and not mentally undressing her. I am definitely with you on this one. There’s a certain relief when one gets there, and the relief itself (instead of thinking one was a wuss all of a sudden) that one’s brain is back to some form of purity is also deeply refreshing.

And thanks to @Blondie - on the Trish thing. I agree she’s not anti men and definitely in favour of calling it an addiction - but I also think she’s saying it’s really hard not to be addicted. She said in one of the videos that for masturbation to be healthy it needs not to be to porn obviously, not done to distress, and not very often. Indeed it ought to be scheduled. I would go so far as to say that she thinks compulsive masturbation is definitely the norm and it is stopping people having relationships and bad sex is happening all the time.

That book that I won’t write has got to be about that one central point. Society is choc full of people having pretty average sex, infrequently, and with some form of secret sex life on the side (not necessarily a physical affair but a secret nonetheless). Mainly a male problem but not exclusively. And even with this knowledge which I think most of us on here fully understand, it’s still really hard to stop. Porn is hard enough, but masturbation…..woahhh…..how realistic would it be to say just masturbate once a month and ideally never (if you have a partner)?

I feel this week is a huge test for me. Wife is in the US. I am here alone (when the kids are at school) with the dogs. Many things to do but no one watching over me. Of course I won’t watch porn. I could allow myself an MO after all it has been nearly three weeks. But I shall say no to that. It’s interesting being tested with such obvious opportunities in front of me, but it feels even better to be able to resist. In my head I have fast forwarded to a life where I never masturbate but when I feel an urge or frustration starts, say after a week, we both agree that making love would be nice and we just do it. Isn’t life that simple? Honestly though…..isn’t it?

I shall leave you to ponder. Back tomorrow for the next exciting episode.

PS forgot to mention, wife said she was homesick and was missing us all hugely. I can only read good into that.
Masturbation is a funny thing This may not be popular but it is true. The more my wife puts out the less I feel the need to masturbate. I think if we did it weekly or so I would never masturbate
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I agree she’s not anti men and definitely in favour of calling it an addiction - but I also think she’s saying it’s really hard not to be addicted. She said in one of the videos that for masturbation to be healthy it needs not to be to porn obviously, not done to distress, and not very often. Indeed it ought to be scheduled. I would go so far as to say that she thinks compulsive masturbation is definitely the norm and it is stopping people having relationships and bad sex is happening all the time.
This is interesting, I guess I've never seen that video. I would have never thought masturbation without porn once in a while would be a problem, especially in a marriage where one of the partners wanted more sex than the other. If it was done without porn, and obviously not compulsive, and not done in a way (edging) where it would affect the performance of sex when it happened, on paper I don't see a problem with it. But what is once in a while? Once a week? Twice a month? Who knows? However, this is hard for me to have a strong opinion about, since masturbation for me has always meant porn, the two have been inseparable since I can remember. These days I really can't see myself wanking one out all by my lonesome, it just doesn't sound very appealing compared to the real thing. Nevertheless, if I wasn't getting sex at the frequency that I am now, that does make me wonder, what would I do in the long run?

This is a real problem for many men (and some women), and unfortunately, it can be one of the many reasons (besides the addiction aspect) that they turn to porn or other sexual outlets.
 
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GBS

Respected Member
377 days no porn
but…..back to zero on MO. Got too much, thought I was just torturing myself. Soft fantasy. Felt guilt. Dealt with it. Moving on.

@Blondie Doc Trish basically said that she reckons it’s almost inevitable that people discover masturbation and porn roughly simultaneously and that compulsive masturbation, by which she doesn’t mean multiple times a day, is completely the norm. Let’s not get hung up on it, I just think it’s entirely possible that (and I won’t guess at a percentage) a truly vast number of men have a problem. Anyone who has a masturbation habit that they keep from their partners, even if it’s only fairly infrequent, is damaging their brains. Tough gig being a man with hot blood coursing through your veins.

Nothing happening here soap opera fans. Wife in US, coming back next Sunday. Interestingly though, phone/video chats are extremely nice and there’s lots of miss you/I wish you were here. I think there’s a chance this will cement some of the trust issues. Oops, I am getting carried away with optimism again. Nite to self….don’t.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Sorry. Didn’t say thanks to pal @joepanic - I think you’re speaking the truth and I don’t think what you said would be unpopular. As long as there’s communication I think what you’re saying is just about what every man thinks (and many do).
 

GBS

Respected Member
378 days clean
1 day no MO - keeping the counter going on this. Good discipline. I think lasting 3 weeks is fine, but I would like to go 30 days if possible.

Over in the 30+ forum you could do a lot worse than just read @Blondie ’s recent two parter. It’s very thought provoking. Is watching porn “cheating”? Do have a read. Class.

I am in a good mood although this virus refuses to depart my body. You wake up exhausted because you didn’t sleep well enough. The rest is dominoes. Anyway, telephone contact with wife appears to iron out some creases. For some reason she is less moody or at least doesn’t seem to be anti-me as much or as often, or at all actually. Most refreshing.

Having MO’d on Monday I had this small period of time (between 12-24 hours) where I felt deprived of something. Very obviously this is a physical thing post release, but it is exacerbated now my new way of life is infrequent MO. The drop in whatever it is, is greater - I slide further. But, and it’s a big but, I am right back up today and the podge is back too. It feels like I am destined for this life. It will, one hopes, change when I get a sex life back. Still I think it’s an interesting observation. Very slightly puts me off MO’ing at all such was my dip in mood and mojo/whatever.

Stay clean boys.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Interesting topic the whole "Is porn cheating" I think everyone is entitled to their opinion on it. I do not believe it is cheating and neither does my wife and neither did any of my previous girlfriends. In fact at least 2 of my previous girlfriends watched it with me or perhaps I watched it with them as they had their own "collection". Around here though there may be a few who do believe is it cheating and that's the end of it

Post often it helps you it helps me
 

GBS

Respected Member
379 days
2 no MO

Thanks @joepanic - cheating argument could rage on. I think there’s an inherent issue with defining what cheating is. Then we’re in a whole world of semantics. My simplistic view is that if it’s hidden then it’s wrong. It may have to be hidden because as you said before, if you don’t get regular enough sex at home then you need an outlet. This may not be you, Joe, but it will be for countless others. The answers are all in the shrug/perfect world category: if you communicate with your wife/SO and talk about sex then maybe one does have the right amount. Talking is way easier to say than do and it takes two reasonable people to make that communication worthwhile. Anyway, I am in the camp that I know I shouldn’t and my wife doesn’t like it so it may not be cheating but it’s got to go.

For me, I think it is going and possibly gone. I discussed this with my therapist today - chances of relapse. She said it happens all the time…so many of her clients yadda yadda yadda…..all partners in recovery face this possibility that the addict can’t stop. It’s demoralising to hear because it sort of means I have this lanyard round my neck which says “recovering sex addict - beware” until they put me in a box. I get it, I can’t undo what I did, but the mantra that I am damaged goods from here on in is not motivating. My therapist agreed that if/when we have couples therapy the subject of moving on together will be central. Not one person putting up with the other. I just hope that therapy comes fairly soon.

Wife is being heroic in the US looking after her mother, and our calls are really lovely and indeed loving. Back on Sunday. Can’t wait.
 

GBS

Respected Member
380 days
3 no MO

Not much to say. Had a dream last night the content of which I cannot share with you for obvious reasons. Yes it involved my wife. Love dreams like that. I don’t do wet dreams. Not sure if that’s good or bad for me. It certainly means that I keep my powerful feeling of semen retention but there was a frustrated feeling when I woke up. Rod of iron.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I don’t do wet dreams. Not sure if that’s good or bad for me. It certainly means that I keep my powerful feeling of semen retention but there was a frustrated feeling when I woke up. Rod of iron.
Same here Sir. I can't remember the last time that happened. Even when I first found out about this stuff back when I was thirty, my longest streak of no MOP was 60 days back then, and that still never happened.
Rod of iron.
This is all that really matters. :)

Glad you had a good dream.
 

GBS

Respected Member
381 days
4 no MO

Thanks @Blondie - just staying on wet dreams for a second- you may not be able to answer this, but does ejaculation happen with or without manual assistance? If without…..errrr…..that’s a magic trick and I don;t really understand. The answer will obviously be the brain but that won’t satisfy my curiosity. Your brain can simulate physical sensation of total arousal such that you come unassisted? Wow. Wonder why mine can’t and does it change my ability to heal. I will look it up online.

Meanwhile back here I have decided to put a lid on my total over enthusiasm about my wife’s current progression. She used some of the most endearing words when addressing me yesterday on a video phone call, you know….like the sweetest nickname one has for one’s partner ( no I am not telling you what it is) which she hasn’t said in a year. The lid on the enthusiasm, just for the record, is not fixed in place very firmly i.e. Fantasy about sweet love making swim around my head whether I am in Tesco’s buying cornish pasties, or waiting in line at the post office.

Am I all consumed by this? ‘Fraid so. She’s back tomorrow……
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thanks @Blondie - just staying on wet dreams for a second- you may not be able to answer this, but does ejaculation happen with or without manual assistance?
Hey @GBS, from my experience, yes wet dreams always happened without any manual assistance. You just wake up in the morning, or after the dream, and there it is. Only way I can imagine that would ever come back, would be if I didn't get off for six months or something, if even that.

I'm glad your wife got home safely.

Best
 
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GBS

Respected Member
383 days clean
6 days no MO

Thanks @Blondie - still a fascinating subject, wet dreams. Our brains are so powerful.

No news here. There comes a point (not yet, but within a week or so) where the silence becomes almost too loud. Problem is that the form book says that when I raise the subject it all goes wrong. So I can’t win here. Either there’s a conversation that I will be on the wrong end of, or there’s just infuriating curiosity. But actually I totally get it. She doesn’t think I do. She’s too scared to do anything and if I make he feel uncomfortable she reacts by putting the walls up further, latching onto a previous negative trigger, and then her mind can convince herself that status quo is fine, indeed the right thing.

She is talking about going back to the US in a couple of weeks. Her mother’s health is declining. It’s a horrific thing to say but I think it helps my wife in that it’s something she’d very good at, it’s something important and it’s a cast iron valid excuse for doing nothing about our situation. I sense a period of intense quiet where I shall be utterly perfect and make it difficult for her not to see me as the rock she can depend on.
 
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