Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Jlied

Active Member
1) the resolution of the photograph was poor, so my first reaction was “what is that thing?’
2) why can’t he find a better picture….and what’s with the teeth?
3) like I need to find a way through my Luddite infirmities and send something back that pigeon holes yanks
4) “hello Mr C, if I were you I would fuck off, my dog can get real nasty….I mean R E A L. N A S T Y
5) disgust
6) because the other option was pity, and taking pity on a venomous snake seems….err…inhuman
7) not much really. It’s a stretch to say my penis, because I do take pity on my penis
8) I think there are moments in my past that were snake like, but not cobra, more….err…..adder/grass snake. I shall unpack it thus: I wasn’t much of a snake but I was a bit. It’s not a good side of me. But it is in the past. I don’t think Brits are more snake like than any other nation, but I could be wrong. Have you been to Greece?

I await further questions

most sincerely

The Right Honourable GBS
Earl of Totalbolloxtown, Shitshowshire, United. Kingdom
There seems to be a lot of anger, resentment annd overall disdain inside these responses towards the cobra.
My next questions are:

1) who are you really mad at? Has this cobra with cheeky teeth reminded you of a person or situation that has brought these feelings?
2) Mr cobra really don’t hear to antagonize you, rather he is here to wish you a pleasant day, that is why he is smiling, imagine yourself as mr cobra, what would you say in response to the comments you have just received?
3) ……I can’t carry this on, it’s plain ridiculous…..and I don’t have the mental plasticity today to think of better analytical questions. Your a good chap for playing along!
 

GBS

Respected Member
430 days

Something new and encouraging yesterday. Went to the late (karaoke) bit of a wedding reception In the evening. So there was dancing and we danced and we held hands and there was connection and it felt wonderful. So it’s a very good sign. It was also a huge turn on so I had a rapid response as the connection was happening and then a quick bout of ball ache. And today I have a flag most which is most impressive.

Let’s see if there’s more to come. If she did like yesterday I would be very surprised. It made me think there was some nice tension and the itch should be scratched but women are different from men.
 

GBS

Respected Member
431

Bad day yesterday. Too dull to explain. I (allegedly) dropped the ball. She said she felt like she wanted to live on her own sometimes. Luckily I hadn’t drunk too much or I may have suggested an answer to her issue.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
431

Bad day yesterday. Too dull to explain. I (allegedly) dropped the ball. She said she felt like she wanted to live on her own sometimes. Luckily I hadn’t drunk too much or I may have suggested an answer to her issue.
Healing never seems to be linear. Even the step toward getting closer can cause a little reaction.

Try to find some non-invasive bonding behaviors and see if that repairs the damage. Don’t try to discuss /analyze anything for a few days.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Sorry. I shall explain (but it is dull). My wife is working on a big paperwork project. I support her. It’s not fun but it has to be done. I said I would do other stuff (like all washing up dishes etc). Saturday evening was utterly wonderful. We had been at a wedding and I was directing the choir. The married couple had said we could come to the tail end of the wedding reception because they were doing a bandaoke - do you have those in the US? You can guess what it is. Anyway, we went with our boys. One of the boys sang (very well although I say it myself), and we danced. There was some closeness, then as we were just watching and standing at the edge, my wife stood behind me and to the side holding my hands anf kissing my neck and a few other very positive signs. Nothing overtly sexual but not a million mikes away. It was the best moment in 14 months. We went home, nothing else happened. That was Saturday.

Sunday - very big day for me. Two church services including one very big one as part of our local music festival (in fact the festival opener). Big pressure. Wife is at home working on big project. I do morning service. I come home. I have big prep work to do for the important evening service. I make lunch. I take dogs for a walk. I do music prep. I don’t pick up slack elsewhere but rightfully think today is not a day where that will come up as an issue (how wrong can one be).

Wife knows that this is a big deal, the service, and she supports me. She also knew I was going to stay after the service for the drinks reception. So, rehearsal goes well, service goes well, and I stay for the reception. I stayed for just over an hour. I had 4 (very small) glasses of wine. Get home, no wife and no kids. Gone to get take out food, and don’t get me any. There was some chicken I said we might cook but it had gone off (so said my wife - don’t think it had but irrelevant), so evening meal was unorganised and I possibly should have done something about it before (being the chef in the house), but the day had been very difficult. So I was on a high when I got home. Then there was an argument. This I will précis: she says me being out for longer than predicted was a big trigger. She thinks I am flirting with women (not much to flirt with in a church I can tell you!), and she says she is still being my maid and picking up around me all the time, and I hadn’t picked up dog poo nor mowed the lawn (both of which I said I would) but it had been a long day. At her most cutting she said she never wanted to live with a man again, and if I dies tomorrow she would live on her own. In fact she said there are times even right now when she wants to live on her own.

She finished by saying that on balance life with me is better than life without, but it’s not much of a compliment. I argued a bit but knew it was going nowhere. Went to bed in a very bad mood indeed.

Now, you can analyse the crap out of all that if you wish, but the air is much clearer now. I had to follow up yesterday morning and ask if she truly saw me as the 60/40 better option that I didn’t want to be some she settled for and put up with. She changed the narrative and said she was just hyper stressed by the project.

Thanks to @Blondie @Jlied and @Androg - you guys (and many others) are immense. Writing this down does help. Pop psychology view could be that the closeness of Saturday night and the distance of Sunday night is no coincidence. Scared of the closeness so push me away however unreasonable. But the tone of the words were really mean. As I said, my control was good, but I was quite close to saying “you know what, why don’t we have a month apart - after that if you like not picking up after me, you can decide about the future”. That’s what I could have said, but luckily didn’t.

Porn free existence has made me way better at managing these situations. Oh, in case you were wondering, no it never crossed my mind to watch porn in all that arguing. I had the tiniest urge to MO, but didn’t. All’s good on that score, and indeed all is back to (relative) normality as of yesterday and today.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thanks for sharing that @GBS. I'm a little busy at the moment, but I'll reflect on this and maybe write something later on.

Best
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
After all that, plus the 14 months of rough times you have endured, are you still thinking your marriage has a chance?

Sorry, I'm not trying to be an asshole. I just hear so much of what my wife and I go through in your post and I don't think we can truly save our marriage. We're just here for our daughter now.

I hope you do have a happy ending and live out the rest of your life with your wife. That's what I want as well, but we are so far apart on so many issues, I can't see it happening for us.

Best of luck to you.
 

GBS

Respected Member
433

Thanks @Blondie and @guitar1968 . I am almost completely confident that we will return to having sex and we will have our marriage back.

These moments are blips. They’re big blips but I know my wife and she can sound off in a big way. When she’s pissed, she’s pissed. That said I am going through a climbing the walls week of frustration. I can’t say much right now because her project is taking up all her time (like 10 hours a day), so I am not going to bleat. But it’s tough right now. I want to ask if she’s sexually attracted to me but I am afraid to do that. Not because she’ll say no. But because she may hesitate to answer. It proves I’m chicken shit, but I think handling that type of truth right now would be difficult.

Stay sober, guys.
 

Jlied

Active Member
There was some closeness, then as we were just watching and standing at the edge, my wife stood behind me and to the side holding my hands anf kissing my neck and a few other very positive signs. Nothing overtly sexual but not a million mikes away. It was the best moment in 14 months. We went home, nothing else happened.
Man, to me, and this is just me…..(I’m an optimist more times than not) but I read this and think “it’s there” it’s so close to bubbling out. Her initiating the kissing of the next? The putting her hands on your sides, the closeness, it doesn’t sound forced. Maybe it was the environment, if she had a few drinks maybe they allowed her to let her guard down. Either way, I feel like her desire for romance is there.
So, rehearsal goes well, service goes well, and I stay for the reception. I stayed for just over an hour. I had 4 (very small) glasses of wine.
This and
she says me being out for longer than predicted was a big trigger. She thinks I am flirting with women (not much to flirt with in a church I can tell you!)
to me, she sounds triggered, to which you already mention. I can tell you that things like this still trigger my wife. When I travel for work to attend conferences, my wife gets very anxious. These trips trigger her more than service work trips, why? Because there are also females at these conferences and there are generally social hour networking events that involve drinks. She doesn’t trust that scenario. She thinks it’s far to easy to have drinks and sneak off to my hotel room or hers. Mind you I have never flirted or tried to pick up another woman, ever, but based on my history it’s not so easy for her to calm herself down when she her anxiety flares up. I have actually turned down a proposition from an attractive woman…..of course I cannot tell her this because she will immediately think I must have been flirting for it to get to that point but I can promise you I did no such think.there was a group of us talking, she made her way closer to me. After a few drinks I decided I was heading to my room. She said she was too and followed me. On the elevator she asked if I was married. I said yes and then the elevator got to my floor and I told her good night. I was so proud of myself, but again, I can’t share that for fear she will have no trust with conferences. It sucks but I can sleep easy knowing I did nothing to initiate.

I think the next days out burst was a way for her to retreat back into her safety net and push you back a bit. I’m happy you asked her the next day after you both had time away from the argument what her feelings were. I so wish she could get past all of her fears, but if we’re honest we eroded that trust with our behavior and I don’t think full trust will ever return. Maybe rightfully so, I can’t say I’d have full trust again roles reversed. Plus, it keeps me more honest knowing that. I fear if she fully went back to 100% trust I may let my guard down as well.

perhaps there is another frank and brutal conversation to come where you have to draw a line in the sand and say this is what I need from you if you two are going to continue to progress forward. I know that’s the last thing you want to do, hopefully you never get to that point. You two have made progress in the last few months and that is more than the previous year. Keep up your end of the bargains and she’ll only have herself to look at if progress halts. I have much love for you. Your are leading by example and are inspiring. This forum is a better place with you documenting your events, it makes us all think critically.
 

GBS

Respected Member
…and @Jlied for that very kind essay. Our posts must have crossed within seconds of each other!

I think it’s pretty obvious really that we got closer and some form of alarm went off. I so wish that I had done everything I could on Sunday because perhaps she was looking for faults in desperation. But I did go wrong by staying at the reception and you make good points there.

I need to empathise more about that one. It’s similar to you. The suspicion is not actually correct (that I fancy and want other women - in fact right now the polar opposite), but the suspicion is totally fair given the past. So I damn my luck that I queered the pitch literally 24 hours after the nicest moment in 400+ days. I stared in the mirror yesterday and just sighed and shook my head.
 

Jlied

Active Member
I get it, when we’ve been doing such a great job of managing our urges or temptations and not engaging in other behaviors that defined us before we start to get confident and we want to go back to some of the old ways of life, after all, why not? We’ve been ourselves time and time again. It’s only natural to start to incorporate things back into our life. Unfortunately our significant others can’t feel what we feel, all they know is what they feel and how those behaviors made them feel in the past. I guess that’s what I meant when I said we probably never get 100% trust back. They are always going to be sensitive to anything that reminds them of the dark days. I know in your heart you were innocent and had no such intent, but that’s hard to convince someone else if when those scenarios still exist in their mind. I’m thinking it was a combo of being in a situation that upsets your wife along with the not cleaning up after yourself when you said you would that set her off and pulled her back into her security room.

glad you cleared the air and all is well
 

GBS

Respected Member
434

@Jlied you totally said it. I let my guard down. It’s not a heinous crime, but boy did I pay for it. I feel a bit sorry for myself but that will pass soon. I have therapy today. Will be discussing all these incidents and how to manage through the process.

I just stared at my wife’s arse yesterday, obviously she couldn’t see me, and I motioned with my hands a grabbing scenario. It was juvenile in the extreme, but good fun nonetheless.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
just stared at my wife’s arse yesterday, obviously she couldn’t see me, and I motioned with my hands a grabbing scenario. It was juvenile in the extreme, but good fun nonetheless.
I do this on a daily basis most time I usually wind up connecting She usually runs off with a "do you ever plan to grow up" comment and i just say "NIOPE"
 

GBS

Respected Member
435 days free from pornography.

Thanks @joepanic - long live the juvenile older generation. 60 is the new 20! Tell that to my penis….actually I did….and my penis very kindly replied “oh my dear Geebs, we know….we know, have a look!” [Geebs looks and gasps]

Very nice day yesterday. The last weekend issues appear to be behind us. Therapist says that everything is learning, but the key thing is….did you learn, or were you staring at the book and nothing was going in? How often have you got to the bottom of a page of a book and you have no idea what you just read? Everyone on the planet (who can read) has been there.

The search for true humility goes on. We persevere.
 

GBS

Respected Member
436 days. And I think about 16 no MO. Stopped doing that one as it became too controlling. MO nowadays is a bit weird. I feel as though I shouldn’t because it’s imperfect, and when I do it’s not been that brilliant during reboot. If I don’t though, it can get a little, how shall I say,….tense? Anyway, I am coping and roughly MO ever three weeks.

All fine at home if inactive on the affection front. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just a tiny bit fed up. It’s like those stages of mourning: denial - that’s me 14 months ago; anger - didn’t do much of that except by staring in the mirror; depression - ooh I did this a lot; acceptance - been in this stage a while.

I can’t change my wife directly. If she wants to wait, then that’s the way it is.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Sorry things are moving slowly. Remember to keep making eye contact, flirting and using affectionate touch when you can.
 
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