Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks Droggers. You’re SO right about eye contact. It’s a fine balance between seeking eye contact and not seeming like a lost puppy, but I am pretty good at it. Keeping the flirting under control is something I need to work on. My brain sends me messages sometimes that would be unwise to follow.

Meanwhile 437 days clean.
 

GBS

Respected Member
438

We did the face touching exercise yesterday. It was lovely. You stare into each other’s eyes and smoothly touch the other’s face. Not sure what more there is to say except (as unpredicted) we didn’t laugh at all. All good. Why this doesn’t lead to rampant sex immediately is utterly beyond me. But it’s all going seemingly in the right direction.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Yo gentleman @Blondie and @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11 - way too kind. As @Blondie will testify, those of us with good numbers behind us are still flawed human beings. I am still a smoker and I also eat way too many biscuits (aka cookies). I adore smoking and I love the taste of biscuits. I walk the dogs every day but otherwise don’t do enough exercise. I am trying to do more around the house but I take advantage of my wife. I don’t drink like I used to, but every now and then I go way over the edge. I shall be 61 in a few days so it’s pathetic.

But I have found the thing I can give up. Or at least I am fairly sure I can live without it forever. Porn. Someone made a joke the other day - saying that our club iPad (I won’t tell you the club for anonymity) will have only a few apps on it, and one will be pornhub. Oh very amusing. Just a throw away joke line. The bloke who said it is a mate and a total hero, almost perfect man. His comment doesn’t mean he’s a porn user, but he wouldn’t bandy around such off hand remarks without it being noticed. I am no prig, but I just fear something. Not even sure what is.

Thanks for bothering to write guys, and thanks to the likers and lurkers.

Without you I am nothing. This is not modesty, this is the truth.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Yo gentleman @Blondie and @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11 - way too kind. As @Blondie will testify, those of us with good numbers behind us are still flawed human beings. I am still a smoker and I also eat way too many biscuits (aka cookies). I adore smoking and I love the taste of biscuits. I walk the dogs every day but otherwise don’t do enough exercise. I am trying to do more around the house but I take advantage of my wife. I don’t drink like I used to, but every now and then I go way over the edge. I shall be 61 in a few days so it’s pathetic.

But I have found the thing I can give up. Or at least I am fairly sure I can live without it forever. Porn. Someone made a joke the other day - saying that our club iPad (I won’t tell you the club for anonymity) will have only a few apps on it, and one will be pornhub. Oh very amusing. Just a throw away joke line. The bloke who said it is a mate and a total hero, almost perfect man. His comment doesn’t mean he’s a porn user, but he wouldn’t bandy around such off hand remarks without it being noticed. I am no prig, but I just fear something. Not even sure what is.

Thanks for bothering to write guys, and thanks to the likers and lurkers.

Without you I am nothing. This is not modesty, this is the truth.
Thanks for your posts and sharing your recovery. I’m realising as much as quitting porn is great it’s not a cure all. Reading stuff from others who are on the right track gives me strength 👍
 

Leonidas

Active Member
Strange anecdote, the one about your mate at the club and the ipad reference. I suppose as jokes go, it was pretty harmless. You never can be sure about external appearances... sometimes the people we perceive as the embodiment of perfection are far from it. About the fear that you expressed: truth is porn media is so omnipresent in the world that it is going to remain hovering around us for a long time to come. The catch is how to individually deal with this new reality... will we cave in and 'do as the Romans do', or make the better but more difficult choice and say: 'no thanks!' ? I believe that this fight we are taking to porn is in a way a process of learning to think for ourselves... to deprogram ourselves from the mob mentality and really go for what we believe to be for our best interest, whether others approve of it or not.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @Qwertyxyz - the best thing about curing porn is the new freedom of the mind you get. However with clarity does not always come success. However (again) those of us who were in the porn hole probably thought we weren’t blessed with much will power so changing habits was always going to be too hard. But if we prove we do have discipline then sorting out other problems is a bit embarrassing if we don’t give it a shot. Thanks - noted I shall try and eat fewer biscuits!

And thanks @Leonidas - was he not a Spartan king who was fearlessly brave? I shall look him up. Your words are gold. Where are you in your recovery? On the subject of my mate’s joke, I think my reaction is this: it’s a reality perhaps that almost all men watch porn occasionally. It’s not just a dirty old man’s game. It’s not sitting in some cellar knocking one out when no one else is around. It’s being used freely. Perhaps my mate watches with his wife and they both enjoy it and their sex life is good as a result. Who knows? I think though that as a throw away comment it snapped me back to thinking that this is a silent killer but it’s not understood at all. It’s like this guy said - oh…at our next game I will bring along some heroin for you all to try. Yeah, yeah, very funny…..heroin is obviously a destroyer. Porn isn’t obviously anything. Err…..actually in the obvious category it’s totally harmless fun. So scary.

442 days. I was so sexually charged yesterday it was almost unbearable. I was going to MO just to release the frustration. Then somehow I stopped mid masturbation. It seemed wrong. I wasn’t on the edge, just getting from large to very large. Not quite sure what held me back because my balls are so full and I was struggling to be in the same room as my wife without wanting to [errrr…..I won’t say the next bit].

Keep going everyone. Peace lies ahead.
 

GBS

Respected Member
443 days.

I have days, the last two being good examples, when I simply don’t know why we’re not having sex. We are doing a garden project together right now. There’s nothing more wholesome. She initiated several little hugs/back rubs yesterday. It was all nearly perfect. When she gave me one hug I got this massive surge of blood to my penis so it went from flaccid to chubby in about 2 seconds. I don’t think she could feel it because I didn’t press it into her in a desperate teenage way. The bottom line is that I feel we’re genuinely ready.

And the question hovering on you lips, dear readers, is…..and I know it….why not ask her? It’s a fair question and thanks for bringing it up. I think the crucial thing is to keep on with the subliminal near perfection rather than just blurting out my frustration. If she wants to have sex with me but feels she should wait somehow, then blurting out might have her want to wait longer.

Anyway we’re in a good place, and when we do have sex, it’s going to be quite an explosive experience.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Maybe propose something intimate but short of intercourse as an interim step. Tell her you think it best to take it slowly (even though part of you most certainly does not).
 

GBS

Respected Member
444 days. I think 24 days no MO as well although nit been counting that one too obsessively.

Thanks @Androg - this will sound chicken or just pathetic, but heeding your advice is too bull in a china shop. The other day after we’d touched each others faces, we cuddled. It was lovely. I rubbed her arms and we were just close. At some point I said “I would love it if we could spoon” and she said “I’m sure we’ll get there”. That was roughly a week ago. So you will understand that me saying, can I play with your tits and ass is going to get short shrift (at best).

There Is a dichotomy in all this. I wonder if there are partners reading this who could possibly comment. Would there be something to be said for taking a risk and possibly risking her slapping me in the face? In other words, me take control, me be dominant? Does being perfect right now, just enforce the very slow speed?

Meanwhile, things are good generally. We haven’t had any bust up/argument for roughy two weeks. It’s all good really. Just these frustrating days. It’s easy to fix. Just MO. But I don’t because something inside me says that not MO’ing is best and it’s the core fundamental in my reboot.

Stay clean brothers and sisters.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
444 days. I think 24 days no MO as well although nit been counting that one too obsessively.

Thanks @Androg - this will sound chicken or just pathetic, but heeding your advice is too bull in a china shop. The other day after we’d touched each others faces, we cuddled. It was lovely. I rubbed her arms and we were just close. At some point I said “I would love it if we could spoon” and she said “I’m sure we’ll get there”. That was roughly a week ago. So you will understand that me saying, can I play with your tits and ass is going to get short shrift (at best).

There Is a dichotomy in all this. I wonder if there are partners reading this who could possibly comment. Would there be something to be said for taking a risk and possibly risking her slapping me in the face? In other words, me take control, me be dominant? Does being perfect right now, just enforce the very slow speed?

Meanwhile, things are good generally. We haven’t had any bust up/argument for roughy two weeks. It’s all good really. Just these frustrating days. It’s easy to fix. Just MO. But I don’t because something inside me says that not MO’ing is best and it’s the core fundamental in my reboot.

Stay clean brothers and sisters.
I think you could take the lead. But I would just ask her to spoon. That’s a good starting point.

She said she’s sure you will get there. So take her at her word and get there.😍
 

joepanic

Respected Member
I think you could take the lead. But I would just ask her to spoon. That’s a good starting point.

She said she’s sure you will get there. So take her at her word and get there.😍
I agree with this. Shoot me for my opinion on this and I will die like a man but I would just do it at this point and if she gets mad she gets mad. I honestly think this is more about control and power than anything else. She has seen an opportunity to exert it and she is. It's either that or give up and just go about your life and say "well I gave it my best shot" I find on occasion when I do that to my wife she sets down her need for "control" pretty quick. Basically I give her nothing to control. Our marriage has gotten a little stronger over time when the balance of power has become more even. Idle hands do the devils work..... from time to time I just make it so that she has to "think and work" on how to please me to get my affections. Not just have me do all the work in making a relationship work. I know this may seem like a dangerous concept but it has served me quite well.
 

GBS

Respected Member
446 days.

Been a whirlwind - on Sunday I tried the spoon. Got told to stop. No big shouting match, just respectful discussion. ”I’m sure we’ll get there “ she said. Just not yet.

Then, almost at that moment, the phone rang and I received news that my mother has been taken to hospital. So I leave in a rush. 90mminute drive. She’s fine (now). I won’t bore you with the deats but I got to bed at 4.45am on Monday morning. So yesterday, even though it was my birthday, was a slow moving exhausted one.

So home life hasn’t moved on. The discussion we had post non-spoon was still focussed on how she still lives with memories of the past. Little things can snap her back to how life was. It’s tough to hear. It’s easy to say things like “you’re stuck in a fear cycle” or “why focus on the way I was, why not on the way I am”, but those things just wind her up. It’s not a battle to try and win with words. She may be stuck of course. Indeed she probably is. Or if not stuck, at a safe place where the plateau feels nice. Some days I am calm about it and some days I am screaming bloody murder.

It’s coming up to 15 months. I am peaceful today possibly because I am shattered. I have therapy on Thursday so I look forward to that. I will discuss the situation. Thanks @Androg @joepanic and @Beautiful1973 - it ain’t your fault that the experiment didn’t work. I decided I wouldn’t be a petulant teenager and sulk about it afterwards and then almost instantly I was on mother in hospital duty. So there’s been no further discussion. It’s all ok. The card she wrote me for my birthday said she looked forward to many years ahead. It may be pathetic of me but those words meant a great deal. Thanks for reading.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
446 days.

Been a whirlwind - on Sunday I tried the spoon. Got told to stop. No big shouting match, just respectful discussion. ”I’m sure we’ll get there “ she said. Just not yet.

Then, almost at that moment, the phone rang and I received news that my mother has been taken to hospital. So I leave in a rush. 90mminute drive. She’s fine (now). I won’t bore you with the deats but I got to bed at 4.45am on Monday morning. So yesterday, even though it was my birthday, was a slow moving exhausted one.

So home life hasn’t moved on. The discussion we had post non-spoon was still focussed on how she still lives with memories of the past. Little things can snap her back to how life was. It’s tough to hear. It’s easy to say things like “you’re stuck in a fear cycle” or “why focus on the way I was, why not on the way I am”, but those things just wind her up. It’s not a battle to try and win with words. She may be stuck of course. Indeed she probably is. Or if not stuck, at a safe place where the plateau feels nice. Some days I am calm about it and some days I am screaming bloody murder.

It’s coming up to 15 months. I am peaceful today possibly because I am shattered. I have therapy on Thursday so I look forward to that. I will discuss the situation. Thanks @Androg @joepanic and @Beautiful1973 - it ain’t your fault that the experiment didn’t work. I decided I wouldn’t be a petulant teenager and sulk about it afterwards and then almost instantly I was on mother in hospital duty. So there’s been no further discussion. It’s all ok. The card she wrote me for my birthday said she looked forward to many years ahead. It may be pathetic of me but those words meant a great deal. Thanks for reading.
Sorry it didn’t work out this time. Maybe she should read this: https://substack.com/inbox/post/120306754
 
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