Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Respected Member
447. Thanks @Androg

Another thing my wife said the other day has rather stuck with me but gives perspective as to where she is in her head. I asked her if she thought the sex we had was intimate and connected. She said not really for many years. Personally I think this is revisionist because I can recall her talking about it sometimes and what she was saying wasn’t indicative of it not being nice.

Also she said she felt ashamed and guilty for all the times we did it. Painful.

This is the reality of what finding out about porn does to a woman. It is cutting deep. So 15 months is all very well, but we have a long way to go.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
447. Thanks @Androg

Another thing my wife said the other day has rather stuck with me but gives perspective as to where she is in her head. I asked her if she thought the sex we had was intimate and connected. She said not really for many years. Personally I think this is revisionist because I can recall her talking about it sometimes and what she was saying wasn’t indicative of it not being nice.

Also she said she felt ashamed and guilty for all the times we did it. Painful.

This is the reality of what finding out about porn does to a woman. It is cutting deep. So 15 months is all very well, but we have a long way to go.
I don’t know that you have so long to go. These situations reach critical mass at unpredictable times. Good luck to you both.
 

GBS

Respected Member
448 days

I truly appreciate your optimism @Androg . I am a glass half full person so I like that things are coming to a head. Big conversation yesterday- she says she’s basically exhausted her capacity to love and mend. She wants us just to “be”.

I was miserable but didn’t show it. Much to discuss with therapist.
 

GBS

Respected Member
449 days

Yeah, I guess a joke would help. Cheers @Blondie

Meanwhile - slight news - I shall give some perspective: I used to have a female friend at work. Nothing ever went on. She was not a looker but boy she had two outstanding features. We worked for the same company since the 90s. So we were truly just mates. My wife thinks I was emotionally attached to this lady. I wasn’t. But occasionally we would go out about once or twice a year for evening drinks. She had a rocky marriage. Did I flirt with her? Well a bit I think but never with any intention. Playful. No suggestive texts or WhatsApp messages. But do I think she fancied me? Yes I do. So it was always a situation my wife didn’t like although I was clean as a whistle really.

When my issues came up my wife blew certain things way out of proportion including inventing what was going on between me and this lady. As far as she was concerned I had been having an affair with this woman and she wanted all connection severed. So although I didn’t admit to anything I didn’t do, I agreed to absolute zero contact. I removed her number from my address book and that was that.

Moving on……I met another mate and played golf yesterday (quite astonishingly poorly - I mean real bad), this guy was also at my firm. And he told me some gossip that the lady I knew was now divorced and dating some other guy we both knew. It was salacious stuff because the two are not what we’d call a perfect match, but anyway. When I got home I thought telling my wife would be wise. She didn’t react in any way that indicated this was interesting, but her mood since then has perked up quite noticeably.

I just re-read all that. It’s the dullest anecdote ever. So sorry guys (and gals).
 

GBS

Respected Member
450 days sober.

Thanks @Androg - maybe actually it will help. It’s difficult when perception of how important something is turns out to be wildly different from what my wife’s is.

Yesterday she wore a new top that I bought her a month ago. Do I need to tell you how impressive she looked? No I don’t. But am I going to tell you? Yes I am. I am a breast man. Always have been from before adolescence. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have been out with some shallow women who had good size chests, so ultimately it is the mind I want but I am fairly certain I wouldn’t have married a flat chested lady. And I can assure you I didn’t do that! Fuck me.

I digress. Actually maybe I don’t. Is staring at my wife’s tits an act of objectification? I say not. Isn’t objectifying an act of degradation where something becomes just an object? I think that’s right. I see the whole woman and I just wish I could play with those boobs and hear her satisfaction. Sorry….got close to triggering there.

Things have settled down at home. Living in the present and having no expectations of what comes next is relaxing albeit crazy frustrating. But I have no real choice. I obviously do have the choice of just saying stuff it all, or sulking, but that’s not really an option. So life is on one level very good and calm. I won’t talk about the other level.
 

GBS

Respected Member
451 days

Had a day yesterday which I get every now and again. Sort of flatline insofar as had no feeling during the day of any arousal at all. Nothing in the shower, not a thought about sex at all during the day. Zilch. It’s not worrying anymore, it’s a fact. Do I like it? No. Can I cope? Yes.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
451 days

Had a day yesterday which I get every now and again. Sort of flatline insofar as had no feeling during the day of any arousal at all. Nothing in the shower, not a thought about sex at all during the day. Zilch. It’s not worrying anymore, it’s a fact. Do I like it? No. Can I cope? Yes.
It will pass.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
I digress. Actually maybe I don’t. Is staring at my wife’s tits an act of objectification? I say not. Isn’t objectifying an act of degradation where something becomes just an object? I think that’s right. I see the whole woman and I just wish I could play with those boobs and hear her satisfaction. Sorry….got close to triggering there.
I stare at my wife's tits almost 24/7 and her ass and the rest of her. Is it objectification? I suppose it depends on who you ask. My wife loves every minute of it. It is part of what keeps me sane in a modern world. It is something that no one can ever take away from me(other than her of course) and that would probably kill the marriage because what lady wants to live with a man who has gone insane:p She just loves the fact that at age 49 I still find her desirable and I find her "very" desirable. I'm sorry if anyone finds this triggering but sometimes the conversation needs to go in a real world direction. We are humans after all its good to learn to toughen up a little
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I definitely agree with @joepanic, us men need to objectify more. Obviously in some contexts it's not the right thing to do, but in this case, in a relationship with someone you love, I see no problem with it at all. I can just see the title to my book now, How the Male Gaze Will Save Your Marriage :cool:

Best Sir, from the better side of the pond.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Gentlemen, by which I mean @Androg @joepanic and @Blondie , thank you. You have improved my day a fair deal.

I think my wife’s boobs are utterly amazing. I think she knows I think that and she likes that fact, so right there it can’t be objectification because it’s not degrading.

Anyway, as you say, enjoy staring and if it’s over some line….sod it.
 

Androg

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Moderator
When the intention is to make a partner feel attractive/appreciated, we're on solid ground, and it's likely to be perceived favorably. On the other hand, when we're "consuming" (i.e., drooling, panting, grabbing🖐) for our own gratification our attentions may be less welcome.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Sorry Androg I can't help but drool over my wife's tits and rest assured it is welcome I just try not to do it to other ladies
 

GBS

Respected Member
452

Because my wife said she was exhausted there has been little conversation about where we are in the last few days. I know that what she wants so it’s fine at one level. Just feel stuck in a room with no exit signs. I think that’s the point. I have to stay and endure. These are the difficult days.

In other news I have morning wood today that is like a sword. I guess that’s good. Hope libido comes back soon.
 

GBS

Respected Member
453.

Libido has returned. In a way that’s refreshing and a relief, in other ways it increases frustration. I am very good at coping generally although it can depend on how many days I have been not MO’ing, which currently about a week. When it gets to three weeks (circa 20 days) I think my frustration level starts to increase significantly.
 

Artemus

Active Member
I feel you and agree with you on every point. As far as objectification I'd say "Focused Objectification" is cool, but widening you gaze to include the whole female species, thats prolly an issue. Besides admiration isnt the same as objectification, the bible even teaches that, "Our wifes breasts should be pleasing to us always".

Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV

18 Let your fountain be blessed,

and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe.

Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;

be intoxicated always in her love.

 

GBS

Respected Member
Day 454

Thanks @Artemus - Proverbs chapter 5. If it’s in the bible it’s ok by me.

Actually flippancy aside, I have been chatting to a very close friend about this. I think I obsess slightly because I am just thrilled inside that it’s only my wife’s bosom that I wish to enjoy. That happens to be true, which is helpful, but it’s personally so utterly refreshing to be able to say it out loud. So now I have said it, perhaps I will keep a lid on it a bit. Also I think I write it on here deliberately to self trigger - for this behaviour I should be duly scolded.

Things good here. Wife in a good mood. She’s stuck but she said it out loud and I said I knew that and I wasn’t freaking out anymore. Ironically just saying that may have helped it getting unstuck. No promises readers.
 

GBS

Respected Member
455 days no pornography. And in those 455 days I have not seen a naked woman in the flesh, On TV I can recall literally half a dozen moments when I saw a naked breast but it was not titillating. So the plan is all coming together. And, by the way, this is officially my 15 months clean. Started on !st March last year.

To remind you I am a fervent believer that masturbation (because it’s rarely mindful) has ruined my life, so I am avoiding it in general. In practice this means I tend to MO about once a month or slightly less.

Here’s a bi-product though. I still have a good friendship and deep love for my wife, but after 455 days of abstinence there is a sense of longing that can only be described as loneliness. Don’t need your virtual arms round my shoulders folks. It isn’t suicidal. Don’t need to break out with the anti-depressants. I know all the tricks - keep active, do projects, fill your life with activities, invite friends around. We do this. No one would know there was an issue from the outside. But it is a lonely life. I rather suspect that this loneliness is not a patch on the loneliness my wife endured for years. Indeed dwelling on that for a second it’s not helping my mood.

Snap out of it, man. Don’t bring yourself down. Self pity is just waste of time. Yeah….I get it. It isn’t self pity actually, it’s recognising a state of being that one can cope with, but it’s an odd feeling.

I know how to cheer myself up. Imagine who I was in February last year. Yuck. I will never Gabe him again whatever happens in my marriage. On which subject we had a lovely chat yesterday all about recovery, and RN, and hard mode, and the fact that she’s still stuck. I said I was not freaking out about it. I used to, like last September when she fast sort of intimated she was struggling taking a leap of faith. 9 months later and we’re arguably no further forwards. Except I know we are further - much further. She wants to get unstuck but has this intuition which tells her not to. Used to drive me mad, now I am actually a bit “meh” about it. She will either sort it out or she won’t (obviously). Begging doesn’t work, writing cards and buying flowers don’t work, dates don’t work, doing projects together don’t work, cooking special meals don’t work. Except it all does work, or it will…..it’s a process. I have faith. How long does that faith last, GBS? Don’t ask me that one. That’s impossible to answer. Not forever.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
455 days no pornography. And in those 455 days I have not seen a naked woman in the flesh, On TV I can recall literally half a dozen moments when I saw a naked breast but it was not titillating. So the plan is all coming together. And, by the way, this is officially my 15 months clean. Started on !st March last year.

To remind you I am a fervent believer that masturbation (because it’s rarely mindful) has ruined my life, so I am avoiding it in general. In practice this means I tend to MO about once a month or slightly less.

Here’s a bi-product though. I still have a good friendship and deep love for my wife, but after 455 days of abstinence there is a sense of longing that can only be described as loneliness. Don’t need your virtual arms round my shoulders folks. It isn’t suicidal. Don’t need to break out with the anti-depressants. I know all the tricks - keep active, do projects, fill your life with activities, invite friends around. We do this. No one would know there was an issue from the outside. But it is a lonely life. I rather suspect that this loneliness is not a patch on the loneliness my wife endured for years. Indeed dwelling on that for a second it’s not helping my mood.

Snap out of it, man. Don’t bring yourself down. Self pity is just waste of time. Yeah….I get it. It isn’t self pity actually, it’s recognising a state of being that one can cope with, but it’s an odd feeling.

I know how to cheer myself up. Imagine who I was in February last year. Yuck. I will never Gabe him again whatever happens in my marriage. On which subject we had a lovely chat yesterday all about recovery, and RN, and hard mode, and the fact that she’s still stuck. I said I was not freaking out about it. I used to, like last September when she fast sort of intimated she was struggling taking a leap of faith. 9 months later and we’re arguably no further forwards. Except I know we are further - much further. She wants to get unstuck but has this intuition which tells her not to. Used to drive me mad, now I am actually a bit “meh” about it. She will either sort it out or she won’t (obviously). Begging doesn’t work, writing cards and buying flowers don’t work, dates don’t work, doing projects together don’t work, cooking special meals don’t work. Except it all does work, or it will…..it’s a process. I have faith. How long does that faith last, GBS? Don’t ask me that one. That’s impossible to answer. Not forever.
Hang in there GBS. May god bless you and strengthen you.
You are a Legend my man, a lot of guys would just say to hell with all of this and go on with the path least resistance.
But here you are going against the odds and rising up above your circumstances. This beautiful view is so rare to see especially in this day and age. Where everyone just goes with the flow.
You are an inspiration to all of us. Keep pushing man.
Stay blessed.
 
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