Posted this in 30-39 but thought it would be more applicable here.
I discovered porn like most of you, as a teen. It influenced my perceptions of sex, pleasure, blurred my moral judgment, and contradicted my values. I am 30 now. I have been with my spouse for a little over two years. My addiction peaked before we met, for over a year I intentionally depended on porn as a method of avoiding another shitty relationship. I am likely Borderline, and refused to see or acknowledge any of my issues, and instead let them intertwine and grow. Consequently, my porn addiction entered our relationship and continued to worsen. She would do small things that upset me and rather than confronting her, I lashed out in secret, by watching porn. But porn use was not restricted to vengeance. I watched porn all the time. On our toilet. In our bed. In multiple public restrooms. In our nasty basement. A gross barn. I asked her to marry me and she said yes and I continued my lies, I did want to stop but failed to commit. I didn't want it bad enough. I was too self absorbed and self-interested. We got pregnant, and I continued using porn. She found the evidence shortly after our son was born and was forced to confront me as I wouldn't own up to it. She was very calm and understanding, yet understandably horrified and disgusted. She herself had suffered from sexual abuse and the categories of porn I watched that I did and do not morally align with and particularly triggering for her. We spent every second together for at least the first month after it came out. We spent all of our time learning together, about the porn industry--how the women are treated, how some are raped, trafficked, underage, etc. That really stuck with me. You cannot watch porn and know with 100% certainty that there was no form of coercion involved. We read about how it affects your brain, makes you reliant, makes you objectify women and not see them as people. This all horrified me. I had learned, about myself amazingly enough, that I had devolved to the point of checking out high-school age girls. We constantly learned and learned for weeks. The entire time, I was disgusted with myself and ashamed. I felt like I had just woken up from the most terrible nightmare, a nightmare I was the villain of. I haven't had any urges. I had the idea pop into my head and quickly pushed it out using techniques I learned from the app "Fortify," rather than giving it time to develop into an urge. The STAR method particularly is my favorite. It is easy to remember because of the North star, it can always guide you. Stop. Take a step back. Ask yourself what's important to you, what you value. React. I have learned and used mindfulness techniques to stay fully in the present and avoid sexually intrusive thoughts. I made my fiance the center of my fixation, as she should have always been, and learned to make her my insurpassable "standard of beauty." While I have managed to avoid urges and intrusive thoughts through incessant education, commitment and mindfulness; I have had a hard time adjusting to my brain off drugs/porn. I see women and I see people, I don't see objects, consequently my idea of attraction has changed, and it's all confusing to me. Women that would have caught my eye no longer do. I spent months not going into public, and staring at the ground when I did. I feel much healthier, mentally, off porn. I have much more motivation, energy, compassion, and most importantly, joy. Joy, because I am finally able to be fully present with my fiance and son, not mentally somewhere else. I do feel free of porn, though I am always cautious and hesitant to say that, as I've read as soon as you think you're over it, you get an urge and relapse. I continue to regularly consider the effects of porn--on me, my family, our community, our country, society, and culture as a whole. For many of us, our perception of beauty has been defined by culture and porn (and porn has heavily influenced culture, so). This leads many of us to see women with a lot of makeup, revealing, or tight-fitting clothing as far more attractive than we would without these artificial "enhancements." The effects are overwhelming, appalling, and leave no justification for continuing to use porn. I am now focused on salvaging my relationship, earning my partner's trust back after 2 years of lies and deceit. I never would've stopped if she didn't confront me, and for that I will always be thankful, whether I can win her back or not.
I discovered porn like most of you, as a teen. It influenced my perceptions of sex, pleasure, blurred my moral judgment, and contradicted my values. I am 30 now. I have been with my spouse for a little over two years. My addiction peaked before we met, for over a year I intentionally depended on porn as a method of avoiding another shitty relationship. I am likely Borderline, and refused to see or acknowledge any of my issues, and instead let them intertwine and grow. Consequently, my porn addiction entered our relationship and continued to worsen. She would do small things that upset me and rather than confronting her, I lashed out in secret, by watching porn. But porn use was not restricted to vengeance. I watched porn all the time. On our toilet. In our bed. In multiple public restrooms. In our nasty basement. A gross barn. I asked her to marry me and she said yes and I continued my lies, I did want to stop but failed to commit. I didn't want it bad enough. I was too self absorbed and self-interested. We got pregnant, and I continued using porn. She found the evidence shortly after our son was born and was forced to confront me as I wouldn't own up to it. She was very calm and understanding, yet understandably horrified and disgusted. She herself had suffered from sexual abuse and the categories of porn I watched that I did and do not morally align with and particularly triggering for her. We spent every second together for at least the first month after it came out. We spent all of our time learning together, about the porn industry--how the women are treated, how some are raped, trafficked, underage, etc. That really stuck with me. You cannot watch porn and know with 100% certainty that there was no form of coercion involved. We read about how it affects your brain, makes you reliant, makes you objectify women and not see them as people. This all horrified me. I had learned, about myself amazingly enough, that I had devolved to the point of checking out high-school age girls. We constantly learned and learned for weeks. The entire time, I was disgusted with myself and ashamed. I felt like I had just woken up from the most terrible nightmare, a nightmare I was the villain of. I haven't had any urges. I had the idea pop into my head and quickly pushed it out using techniques I learned from the app "Fortify," rather than giving it time to develop into an urge. The STAR method particularly is my favorite. It is easy to remember because of the North star, it can always guide you. Stop. Take a step back. Ask yourself what's important to you, what you value. React. I have learned and used mindfulness techniques to stay fully in the present and avoid sexually intrusive thoughts. I made my fiance the center of my fixation, as she should have always been, and learned to make her my insurpassable "standard of beauty." While I have managed to avoid urges and intrusive thoughts through incessant education, commitment and mindfulness; I have had a hard time adjusting to my brain off drugs/porn. I see women and I see people, I don't see objects, consequently my idea of attraction has changed, and it's all confusing to me. Women that would have caught my eye no longer do. I spent months not going into public, and staring at the ground when I did. I feel much healthier, mentally, off porn. I have much more motivation, energy, compassion, and most importantly, joy. Joy, because I am finally able to be fully present with my fiance and son, not mentally somewhere else. I do feel free of porn, though I am always cautious and hesitant to say that, as I've read as soon as you think you're over it, you get an urge and relapse. I continue to regularly consider the effects of porn--on me, my family, our community, our country, society, and culture as a whole. For many of us, our perception of beauty has been defined by culture and porn (and porn has heavily influenced culture, so). This leads many of us to see women with a lot of makeup, revealing, or tight-fitting clothing as far more attractive than we would without these artificial "enhancements." The effects are overwhelming, appalling, and leave no justification for continuing to use porn. I am now focused on salvaging my relationship, earning my partner's trust back after 2 years of lies and deceit. I never would've stopped if she didn't confront me, and for that I will always be thankful, whether I can win her back or not.
- As far as the topics many of you are interested in, I did have PIED, I relied on imagining porn scenes, sexual acts with my fiance and her friends (my degradation went that far), it has since been corrected. I do at times have issues getting erect, although my fiance changed my perception on this perceived flaw, my insecurity. She taught me, porn causes unrealistic expectations in men, especially when we're at our most mentally vulnerable during puberty, consequently we're left feeling like we're expected to have rock hard cocks from the moment our pants come off, or even before. This is not realistic. This is not love. This isn't even sex. It's weird, distorted, unrealistic. Sex is about being open, vulnerable, not thinking about whether or not your dick is hard, but instead enjoying the moment, your partner, pleasing them rather than getting pleased yourself (because porn also teaches us that sex is and should be centered around the man's needs). I have had withdrawal symptoms--depression, low self-worth, mindfog, irritability, short temper. My libido has fluctuated throughout this process though I feel has been at a normal, healthy level for at least the last two months out of the 6.5.
Notable effects I've noticed from abstaining: feeling a more fulfilling life, more joy, more present, immensely better sex, more openness, communication, understanding, bonding, more energy, confidence, motivation, improved sleep, improved memory and concentration, more understanding and sympathetic, better self-control and emotional control (although I was prescribed Lamictal throughout this process--there is no way of knowing how this has played a role).
Possible helpful strategies:
Focus on the effects of porn, not just yourself, but everything around you. Don't limit this to times you're triggered or feel urges, reflect on it often. Think about how you have probably masturbated to coerced victims, trafficked women, etc. Think about how much money the industry makes, how much influence it holds over everything.
Focus on healthy hobbies-- in my case, drumming, school, reading/writing, cleaning up/organizing, playing with my son, engaging with my fiance. These strategies can help redirect your thought process.
Check out the "Fortify" app, read into mindfulness, watch Tedx talks on porn addiction, read interviews/confessions from women in the porn industry that were abused (my fiance did this with me and it was gut wrenching).
And don't forget, while I, you, and we are recovering. Our loved ones continue to suffer a much longer, debilitating struggle. Wondering when or if we'll slip up, how many times we've done it, how many times we've lied about doing it. Are we still doing it? Read into betrayal trauma. Take a step back and really think about how it would look to someone that has never watched porn, or someone that has sexual trauma. You're getting better, but. Are your loved ones? Go out of your way to understand their thoughts, feelings, worries, and do your best not to be judgmental or defensive. While I may have made profound progress, my fiance and my relationship still struggle immensely. The effects of porn are deep.
Even milder images (like Playboy) give men a distorted and unrealistic idea of what women are like.