The long & winding road....

Gooner

Member
My 1st post,

I'm a 57yr old man who again is counting the cost of this horrible addiction, once again it took me to the depths........for the last time tho! I am tho now 42 days sober with the help of my wonderful counsellor, however I feel I need help of people in the same boat as me tho.

I have taken it back to when I was 12 when I first started using porn in 1 guise or another, started like lots of young lads, magazines, video & then it exploded when I was introduced to the Internet. I have stopped for periods in that time but it has always been there in the background, i have lost a marriage through it & now possibly a 14yr relationship with an amazing lady........needless to say its been a long journey to get where I am today.

This time I am determined not only how to put things in place to stop me from acting out again, but i am also learning more about the effect on my brain & physically on my body that porn addiction has on me, which I have never known about.

That long & winding road is stretched out in front of me but its one I want to travel 🙂
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Welcome. You've made a great 1st step in joining here. There's a wealth of knowledge and resources. Use them and be the best version of yourself.
 

Gooner

Member
Day 47 now, still not done anything so feeling good about myself. Actually had 2 messages this morning from women I had acted out with before (thought I had blocked everyone), was shocked but politely told them I am in recovery & made sure their numbers were blocked!
Feeling abit confused at the moment, my girlfriend (or should I say "ex" girlfriend) is still in touch, we message most days tbh. It's probably me, one minute I'm thinking she wants to stay in touch to see how things pan out, then the next minute I'm convincing myself she is only doing it to be kind, so confusing 🤔😒
Am going to a residential next week specifically dealing with this type of addiction, Am hoping I can see a little more clearly after that.

Have a great day everyone 👍
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Keep going. I will read your posts every time they're on.

The change in your brain is like a magic trick. It's almost too good to be true.

How many thousands of men (and women) - it will actually be millions - are either addicted like us, or have a lesser addiction such that they're still desensitized and are not being good partners and are not truly connected to their wives (or husbands)? This problem will be epidemic if it isn't already.

Keep writing - it helps me know there's others recovering.
 

Gooner

Member
Thanks for you message GBS, yes I agree there will be thousands if not millions in the same situation as us or on the road to addiction, this will be bigger than anyone could imagine.

Day 49 today, no PMO, had a trigger this morning whilst lying in bed, before starting on my recovery I would definitely have acted out but I told myself to stop what I was thinking, i made myself think about the good round of golf I had yesterday instead. Can honestly say I would never have thought it possible but it worked, am almost at halfway to 100 days & my brain feels like it's starting to reboot, I can sleep tonight happy again.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
I used to be a gambler. That's another weird addiction. But you get triggers in gambling as well, like you need to have bet to enjoy a football match. You start to think games aren't worth watching if there isn't money riding on them. The analogy with Porn addiction is that almost every dull moment needs to be filled and you can always masturbate...oh I know....I'll make it more interesting with some porn.

Now a basic analysis of this just says we're weak, pathetic men who seek instant thrills. Our partners will have us beg for mercy and we could be vilified for being so base and feeble. BUT the human race is like this...we're sad in that we got in over our heads BUT unlike gambling (very hard to give up and no discernible upside until you realise you actually have money left), giving up porn has genuine physical upsides that make you stare in the mirror and realise your brain was duped. This recovery, whilst very hard, is amazing at one level.

I am such a convert now. Contemplating going full hard core forever i.e. no masturbation ever again in my life - have declared this to my wife, Just in case you think I'm a nutcase, I did point out that my discipline will mean that if I get any triggers to masturbate, she's going to have step up. #haven'tcompletelymislaidplot

If Gooner means what I think it does, i am sorry about last night!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
No. Fear ye not. I am not one of them. My team is down in third tier. You have no reason to dislike me. We’re not fit to lace your boots!

Meanwhile keep going my friend, I need you as much as you need me.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
This time I am determined not only how to put things in place to stop me from acting out again, but i am also learning more about the effect on my brain & physically on my body that porn addiction has on me, which I have never known about.

Keep it up, Gooner! Knowledge is power, and the more you learn about addiction, the more it will help you beat it.
 

Gooner

Member
Thanks guys, sorry I'm not on here much this week, I am attending a residential for addicts, there are 8 of us all in the same boat all trying our best to understand & sort this out once & for all.
I appreciate your messages & will be back on at the weekend if not sooner.
Take care guys
 

Gooner

Member
Day 54 PMO/MO & midway point yesterday on my residential, told my story to the other 7 guys living the same life as me, withing 2 days we have become like a "band of brothers" already & from such diverse backgrounds & careers I may ad.
The feeling I had peeling everything back & opening up was amazing, found the feedback harder actually with the love that came back, quite overwhelming.

Even more hopefully now 🙂
 

Gooner

Member
Morning @GBS, sorry i havent been on for ages, i am doing great thankyou, how are you?
I went to the residential, it was an intensive 6 days, there were 8 of us, various ages, backrounds, religions, careers (abit like the A-Team lol) but it was amazing. We bonded like nothing ive ever experienced, we are all suffer the same addiction but with different stories, we all entered the room cageily looking around at everyone but left the room like a band of brothers!
They have given us the knowledge, belief, positivity, tools & support to get off the cycle of his addiction for good.
I am now 75 days sober, 2 days short of 11 weeks, amazing!

How are you, everything going ok with you?
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi again. I saw you posted on mine.

That course sounds brilliant. Interesting you say your brothers had different stories to tell. I went to an SAA meeting 10 days ago. Eye opening. The key thing was that we all had addiction but to different levels, but an addict is an addict right?

Getting off the cycle of addiction is exactly what I am talking to my therapist about at the moment. I see myself as "dormant" and the next stage is "triggers" - not easy to identify and I actually don't get them much anymore....but I don't think that means I am off the cycle. So if you can share any information, do spill.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
That sounds like an amazing group. That would be a nice thing to attend. It's hard fighting this addiction all alone. My wife knows I use porn, but she doesn't know how addicted I have been.
 

Gooner

Member
That sounds like an amazing group. That would be a nice thing to attend. It's hard fighting this addiction all alone. My wife knows I use porn, but she doesn't know how addicted I have been.
It really was amazing, feel so positive about the future now. By all means DM me if you want to know more about it @guitar1968
 

Gooner

Member
Hi again. I saw you posted on mine.

That course sounds brilliant. Interesting you say your brothers had different stories to tell. I went to an SAA meeting 10 days ago. Eye opening. The key thing was that we all had addiction but to different levels, but an addict is an addict right?

Getting off the cycle of addiction is exactly what I am talking to my therapist about at the moment. I see myself as "dormant" and the next stage is "triggers" - not easy to identify and I actually don't get them much anymore....but I don't think that means I am off the cycle. So if you can share any information, do spill.
I think only time tells us if we are off the cycle, i guess its only as triggers get less & less that we feel we are off of it.

I have got to look into going back to a SAA group tho, that is another tool & another part of my support for tge future.
 

Gooner

Member
At my rehab/residential we were challenged to tell more than 2 people about our addiction, tbh I was already thinking about this, I am sick of living this secret life, sick of what it does to me, how it keeps me alone.
For more than 30yrs I have followed the career of Paul Merson, a professional footballer & addict. He has lived his addiction in public for many years, but, most recently in a documentary (bbc iplayer) he says "if being public about his addiction helps just 1 person not to go through what he has, then its worth it".
I told a good friend at work last week, i actually broke down in front of him when i explained about my addiction. He has been great about it, very supportive, i know his wife well aswell & i trust her so told him if he needed to then tell her so my secret isnt a secret for him aswell. I popped in his house the other day & she was there, she gave me a hug, said how brave it was to tell them then told me to get back i was too close 🤣🤣🤣 i love her humour!!
Yesterday while having a message conversation with an old girlfriend of mine (my big thing in my addiction is sexting which always leads to other things) things started getting abit hot which is not unusual for us, needless to say i could feel it triggering me. I took the decision to tell her about my addiction, we go back almost 40yrs so i trust her, just like my friend she was amazing, so supportive, wants to help me anyway she can.
For me, just the fact these people that i trust know about my addiction, they want to help me & i can reach out to them when i need them drives me on even more to beat this effin thing that has dragged me down or far too many years!

I learnt a saying on my rehab, "those that matter don't mind, those that mind don't matter".........its so true!!
 
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