A little support because I want to become Better

ladysudan

ladysudan

Active Member
Sorry for being inactive...
Dungalef said:
How's it going, @ladysudan?
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It went bad because I relapsed again...seems like I'm hopeless and unfaithful to myself sometimes...but I have to try if I wish to see myself happy.

My addiction very often takes the best of me. Seems like it's all mind games and I'm just desiring for another hit of dopamine. I don't wish to be hard on myself because that way the results I'll be receiving will be just temporary solutions.

It feels bad to think that I joined this forum on May 6 and ever since then my relapse just keeps on happening. After every goddamn week I felt the urge. Even though I completed 1 month but demons don't leave us completely alone all at once. I want to try but not stress much on the fact that every other second I keep on thinking that DON'T WATCH PORN... I just want to spend my days as a normal person and not give much importance to PORN and this way it would normalise my reboot journey . I should not make a big deal out of my issue. I should not make huge expectations when I know I have tendency to give up easily. Taking steps and remaining consistent just requires hell of a commitment but got to do it.

My roommate bores me very often with her bf stories. But I am good friend, all I can do is pretend listening and tell her to DUMP HIM as final conclusion. I Am SuCh A GoOd FrIeNd. Haha.

Nvm everything's fine. Sometimes being honest and not too harsh on yourself is the solution to everything.

I was trying something.

Cuts but you no longer bleed,
Comforting words but they don't help you heal,
Beating heart but is unaware of what it feels,
Present mind but remains tangled in daydreams.

Sayonara.
 
ladysudan

ladysudan

Active Member
Is it weird that you go out for a walk in a park for 1 hour with your friend and someone has been you observing you all this and follows you that scares the shit out of you?

One day before, we went to the same park. We were having our fun little chat and I noticed a guy taking picture of my roommate (with whom I went out with). I found it weird and so I told her that we should leave. But she ignored it. I mean she's prettier and slimmer than me but that's no reason to take someone's picture without consent secretly. Then as expected, a guy approached her and considering the fact that men can't handle rejections well, we left.

Today we went to same park thinking that we shouldn't stop enjoying because of few (weird) guys.

Now how I would describe myself...
I look nerd...I wear spectacles....i have short hair...I look normal but definitely not someone to whom a guy approaches. How do I know it? Because I've been rejected multiple times and most of them said I look ugly. That's still fine by me.

Long story short...We finished our walk and were going back to our hostel...then both of us noticed a white car with the driver seeing both of our faces closely. I didn't think much about it and just thought maybe he's looking for some house and address(which he's not aware of).

As we moved forward, a guy walking in front of us (no sus on him initially),sat in that car. And that car drove faster, overtook us on a road that is secluded and sound. He approached me.Now if it still looks normal to you, here are things that I would like to say:
1. I shifted to my hostel on 5th August. Today is 26th August. I haven't got much time to explore.
2. The secluded and sound road was once a place where a girl's body (who was assaulted) was found.
What was weird that all of a sudden that car got filled with guys and was still waiting while one of them was trying to engage in a conversation with me. I saw one of the guys in car starting to touch himself .

Afraid that I might be followed,I moved to busy streets. I hope he never comes back.

I don't know how I will sleep tonight. Already had an asthma attack
 
Wolfmother

Wolfmother

Member
ladysudan said:
Is it weird that you go out for a walk in a park for 1 hour with your friend and someone has been you observing you all this and follows you that scares the shit out of you?

One day before, we went to the same park. We were having our fun little chat and I noticed a guy taking picture of my roommate (with whom I went out with). I found it weird and so I told her that we should leave. But she ignored it. I mean she's prettier and slimmer than me but that's no reason to take someone's picture without consent secretly. Then as expected, a guy approached her and considering the fact that men can't handle rejections well, we left.

Today we went to same park thinking that we shouldn't stop enjoying because of few (weird) guys.

Now how I would describe myself...
I look nerd...I wear spectacles....i have short hair...I look normal but definitely not someone to whom a guy approaches. How do I know it? Because I've been rejected multiple times and most of them said I look ugly. That's still fine by me.

Long story short...We finished our walk and were going back to our hostel...then both of us noticed a white car with the driver seeing both of our faces closely. I didn't think much about it and just thought maybe he's looking for some house and address(which he's not aware of).

As we moved forward, a guy walking in front of us (no sus on him initially),sat in that car. And that car drove faster, overtook us on a road that is secluded and sound. He approached me.Now if it still looks normal to you, here are things that I would like to say:
1. I shifted to my hostel on 5th August. Today is 26th August. I haven't got much time to explore.
2. The secluded and sound road was once a place where a girl's body (who was assaulted) was found.
What was weird that all of a sudden that car got filled with guys and was still waiting while one of them was trying to engage in a conversation with me. I saw one of the guys in car starting to touch himself .

Afraid that I might be followed,I moved to busy streets. I hope he never comes back.

I don't know how I will sleep tonight. Already had an asthma attack
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Take care, you will be fine!
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
ladysudan said:
Is it weird that you go out for a walk in a park for 1 hour with your friend and someone has been you observing you all this and follows you that scares the shit out of you?
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Yes, that is certainly weird! Getting your picture taken without consent is creepy. And that car full of creeps sounds awful. My advice would be to avoid that park, and maybe find a new place to stay? Hope you're doing okay after this strange encounter.
 
ladysudan

ladysudan

Active Member
TryingHarder said:
Yes, that is certainly weird! Getting your picture taken without consent is creepy. And that car full of creeps sounds awful. My advice would be to avoid that park, and maybe find a new place to stay? Hope you're doing okay after this strange encounter.
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I have to stay here for 9 months. The safest option for me is to not go out even if I want to. It's sad but it's the only way out.
 
ladysudan

ladysudan

Active Member
Appreciate and accept the love even if you find it insufficient and not the kind of love you thought you would receive. If at some point, you ever had neglected someone's love, try to search for hope. There's a tiny ray of hope in our hearts. There's always a scope to change. If you have hurt someone tonight, just adhere yourself to their pains and hope that times change as you dare to change.

- A lesson I learnt today.
 
ladysudan

ladysudan

Active Member
I don't know how to put things...but sometimes I end up confining myself to the feelings of self hate and embarrassment when it comes to dating and ofc my adult life.


It's been 2 years since my last breakup and ever since then I have been avoiding relationships. I try my best to be responsible and be totally committed as a person but that just never happens. Even relationships are too much for me. And I pull myself away from relationship by telling myself "You're young and you need to be carefree. Don't beat yourself too much and just enjoy the way it has been going so far this time." But this time I am genuinely afraid for myself. I do feel ashamed.

Few months ago, I met a guy online. He was good looking and attractive. I was instantly drawn towards him. We got ourselves talking to each other through Snapchat but then he's 30. Our 10 year age gap difference worries me a lot. I'm afraid that I'll be left emotionally damaged and ruined by our relationship. We did have phone sex but then I'm not as demanding as he is...He's always like show me your body...And I'm doing it because I think that will make him like me more but then the moment he's done he's like "Okay...peace out...Sayonara". Every time we sext I do get uncomfortable and it always seems like he's the only person enjoying. We haven't met yet we still sext. I am genuinely scared...someone guide me through this situation...whether I should keep talking to him or leave him?
 
SmokenMirrors

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
ladysudan said:
It's been 2 years since my last breakup and ever since then I have been avoiding relationships. I try my best to be responsible and be totally committed as a person but that just never happens. Even relationships are too much for me. And I pull myself away from relationship by telling myself "You're young and you need to be carefree. Don't beat yourself too much and just enjoy the way it has been going so far this time." But this time I am genuinely afraid for myself. I do feel ashamed.
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First of all, it's great to see you back!

Do not get into a relationship before you are ready. Seriously. I had a girlfriend for 2 years that I wasn't mentally ready to deal with and I lost 2 of my best years as a result! Focus on you and you alone, no point jumping into a relationship with a whole person when you're only half a person yourself, build yourself up and ensure that you're standing with a strong base on your 2 feet! No need to feel ashamed at all, too many people put too much value into having a relationship and measure their self worth off of if they have a partner or not. Again, this is a mistake.

ladysudan said:
Few months ago, I met a guy online. He was good looking and attractive. I was instantly drawn towards him. We got ourselves talking to each other through Snapchat but then he's 30. Our 10 year age gap difference worries me a lot. I'm afraid that I'll be left emotionally damaged and ruined by our relationship. We did have phone sex but then I'm not as demanding as he is...He's always like show me your body...And I'm doing it because I think that will make him like me more but then the moment he's done he's like "Okay...peace out...Sayonara". Every time we sext I do get uncomfortable and it always seems like he's the only person enjoying. We haven't met yet we still sext. I am genuinely scared...someone guide me through this situation...whether I should keep talking to him or leave him?
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It sounds like this is a very one-sided, borderline toxic relationship. He may even be a porn addict himself by the way you've described him! Do not do things just because you think it will make someone 'like you more', that will ruin your self image and you will only be used and abused as a result (ask me how i know).
Sexual stuff should not feel uncomfortable to you, I very much recommend getting rid of this man. It sounds like the negatives outweigh the positives!
 
Takeoff

Takeoff

Member
ladysudan said:
Left him...feels good😌
Having left Pmo for 3 months feels good...but all of a sudden I am starting to realize I'm thinking about whether I should do it or not? It is hard😣...I don't want to fail.
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You should definitely stay on the path and not go back to the old ways. Do not allow yourself even that 'one little peek', because it is what makes an addict jump right back to the addiction. You are doing good, I am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too. Focus on doing what you really, really wish to do and it will all be good! You've got this.
 
ladysudan

ladysudan

Active Member
I don't know how do I put my feelings into words...I'm all a bag of mixed emotions.

I had kept my IG deactivated to avoid my friends and any sort of interaction. And suddenly...out of nowhere I thought to check up on people after 5 months.A lot of people I hated back then and now are successful than me (and I'm not jealous of them) but then I found out about my ex bf and that he's more successful than me. The moment I knew about him I was crying. It all of a sudden felt like a personal loss. I'm sad(mostly), angry (partially), jealous(a bit), regretful(you have no idea), want to disappear (oh absolutely). You won't see anywhere the word happy because I just don't feel it.

I'm away from my home(as I might have mentioned before) and will be away for 5 months more and then move to different city. While I was away, he called my mum 2 times to ask about me. Now my mum doesn't know about my past relationship with him but she had seen me in my worst and breaking down in tears in front of her so for my best, she made up excuses to not to share my number to him.

He even wished me on my birthday but I never really talked to him. Clearly I don't have any feelings for him and it all seems really unhealthy but why does it keep bothering me and is killing me from within?

I loved him back then but at some point I felt I was humiliated every now and then so I broke my contact with everyone. I refused to talk to anyone for a month. He too was wrong at some points...I made some mistakes too. I don't know what I am feeling.

I felt better when I didn't use social media for 8 months and just focused on myself.

Am I too scared to admit that I might be the bad character of my story ?
 
SmokenMirrors

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
ladysudan said:
I don't know how do I put my feelings into words...I'm all a bag of mixed emotions.

I had kept my IG deactivated to avoid my friends and any sort of interaction. And suddenly...out of nowhere I thought to check up on people after 5 months.A lot of people I hated back then and now are successful than me (and I'm not jealous of them) but then I found out about my ex bf and that he's more successful than me. The moment I knew about him I was crying. It all of a sudden felt like a personal loss. I'm sad(mostly), angry (partially), jealous(a bit), regretful(you have no idea), want to disappear (oh absolutely). You won't see anywhere the word happy because I just don't feel it.

I'm away from my home(as I might have mentioned before) and will be away for 5 months more and then move to different city. While I was away, he called my mum 2 times to ask about me. Now my mum doesn't know about my past relationship with him but she had seen me in my worst and breaking down in tears in front of her so for my best, she made up excuses to not to share my number to him.

He even wished me on my birthday but I never really talked to him. Clearly I don't have any feelings for him and it all seems really unhealthy but why does it keep bothering me and is killing me from within?

I loved him back then but at some point I felt I was humiliated every now and then so I broke my contact with everyone. I refused to talk to anyone for a month. He too was wrong at some points...I made some mistakes too. I don't know what I am feeling.

I felt better when I didn't use social media for 8 months and just focused on myself.

Am I too scared to admit that I might be the bad character of my story ?
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Thats all natural part of breaking up. You will heal in time, trust me!
 
ladysudan

ladysudan

Active Member
Heeyyy guyyysss!!!!!
Happy New Year!!!!

I got myself into medical school!!!!
It was like hell for me to prepare to get into it. 4 months and I again changed my city. Talking about my addiction, well it got worsen for a while. It got worsen because I came to know my ex is in relationship with someone. So I did involve in MO for 2 continuous days. I'm not watching porn. Hope everything goes fine for rest of the days. I just don't end up getting myself hurt for being too much into something that just doesn't add up To my better future.

My wishes to everyone over here.
 
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