Trying Again

[rob24]

Hey folks! I've been away for awhile, but I've had the intention of quitting PMO in the back of my mind awhile, just always busy with work, life, etc. and I find that trying to break out of it can be painful or distracting or make me unproductive, but I'm now 27 and it's just one of the things I think I keep putting off that I need to work on about myself.

I really love this forum, as it gives a public place to post and just keep oneself accountable. If you're reading this, I hope it's helping you achieve your goals in some way. Most of the times I've distanced myself from PMO, it's been with the help of this type of public accountability. I'll aim to post (1) daily each morning briefly, and (2) anytime I get an urge, I think I'll come here and write a post and read about other people in a similar position, or try to encourage wherever it may help.

New start:
DAY 0
Last PMO - 12am on 5/7/2022.
Streak: 14 hours

 

[rob24]

DAY 1
Last PMO - 12am on 5/7/2022.
Streak: 1 day, 13 hours

Summary: No real urges yesterday. Spent the day with a friend in the great outdoors. Had a great time swimming in a river and looking at all the wildlife. Definitely should aim to have at least one adventure like that more often, I think. Didn't get a lot done, but I'm living alone and spend a lot of time alone, so any chance to break out of the norm is welcome.

Bad Things: I also have a few other coping addictions, as well. I was spending a lot of time playing Magic: The Gathering online. I uninstalled it from my computer, but then last night after I came back and crashed, I stayed up very late revisiting an old retro game collection I've been collecting. It's nice at first, but I'm noticing other little coping dependencies forming (compulsive gaming, compulsive online shopping, etc.).

Potential Fixes: To try to combat this, I wrote out a schedule yesterday that is pretty reasonable for myself to get a lot of work done. Going to see if "just do it" works today. I want to live slow and intentionally - just focus on staying on the right path instead of focusing on being productive ever minute. I'm told I go hard on myself, so I think I'll just focus on "showing up is 70% of success in life." We'll work on the waking up on time next.

Good Things: I'm trying to clean up my diet and eat less processed food, so I got rid of junk food in my cabinets yesterday, leaving only healthyproduce and non-processed food. So far, the strategy of "just don't have any junk food in the house" is working. Big win!

 

[rob24]

DAY 2
Last PMO - 12am on 5/7/2022.
Streak: 2 days, 13 hours

Summary: Feeling more sensitivity between yesterday and today. I might post back here if I start to get that again later on today. Going to make a conscious attempt to completely keep my hands from touching my genitals (not even scratching, etc.). But still - returning sensitivity after a couple days is no doubt a good thing! Just to be sure, in the past, I had issues with fantasizing/replacing PMO with other dependencies. I'm convinced fantasizing, which I still have yet to experience again on this reboot, is best treated by just mentally saying "STOP."

Got some work done - went for a jog - and I've been getting back into some hobbies collecting old video games on eBay. Ironically, despite the fact that may seem like an unhealthy attachment, it actually contributes to my employment - though I'd like to waste a bit less time and money on it. I followed a better schedule yesterday - got to just about everything on it. I work online, so it's easy to get sucked in, though. It's great to detach from this! But I feel it's made me (1) happier and (2) less productive, haha. I think that's okay - I'm just glad I'm stress-less-ly back on a reasonable schedule.

Bad Things:
-Still waking up at noon. Doesn't matter because I work from home, but I hate that sensation of missing the whole day.
-"Mindless scrolling"/online browsing seems to occupy a lot of my time.
-I still seem to be deriving disproportional gratification from spending money/getting things. I'm wary of it replacing the lost "hit" of PMO

Potential Fixes:
-Just keep following a set schedule and try to get to bed at 3am today. Keep winding back an hour a day. I'm also buying a dedicated alarm clock. This has been a lifelong issue. Might be worth a little $$$ trying to fix.
-Maybe I'll try a "one tab open at a time" rule and "kitchen timer" pomodoro technique. That might help me stay productive for longer periods.
-A little spending/browsing is okay, but I just don't want it to go on for hours. It's fantasizing in a different way about a life and means I don't have. I will designate a time for it today so it has a space (30 minutes max on browsing. Think through why I want the things I feel like I want, and sometimes that hits the root cause, something deeper and more existential)

Good Things:
-Doing a REALLY good job on eating a healthy diet already. Simply getting rid of junk food from my house has worked so far. I feel energized and clean.
-Not very stressed at all. Plenty of outdoor time and outing time - yeah, I have a good balance in life other than the things mentioned above.

 

[rob24]

DAY 3
Last PMO - 12am on 5/7/2022.
Streak: 3 days, 12 hours

Productivity:
(To keep track of how productive I actually am each day, I'm going to start recording how many minutes of video I've edited the previous day. I'm a freelance video editor, so it's important to me. If a video is about 10 minutes long, I'd like to aim to be getting about 5 minutes of footage done per day. That gives me time for other parts of the video production process, and hopefully I'll be able to create a video every 5 days or so. Anyway, that's my set goal.)
Yesterday: 2 minutes of video (Minutes 1-3) (Aim: 5 minutes today)

Summary:
Yesterday went more or less like the day before. Got some stuff done and things were looking up, but stayed up pretty late, and didn't get anything productive done after 11pm, then I woke up late again today. Feeling relaxed and a little anxiety setting in, but I know I need to be more productive and consistent. Otherwise, life is fine.

Bad Things:
-Basically everything from yesterday. I think I was relying on PMO for a short-term fix substitute to my problems because I want to get instant gratification. Whenever I feel low-energy, anxious, or deprived, I turned to it for that quick boost. It's normal that during a reboot, I become less productive for awhile, or that it makes me more acutely aware of other lifelong dilemmas I've used it to cope with. I'm noticing this now. But I think the added time and attention has the potential to be used for some better project.

Potential Fixes:
-Since last night didn't work, new bedtime today must be 2:00am.
-"One tab open" didn't work. I also didn't buy an alarm clock. Doing it right now. Maybe those two things will make following this set schedule a little more fun. Just bought a kitchen timer and an alarm clock.
-I'm going to meditate in the middle of the day right before working on a project to help me focus.
-Designating the time from 12:00am-12:30am for mindless web browsing/any online shopping needed. I'm developing a bit more self-control and getting bored of it, I think. That way it has a little place, but I can consciously focus on NOT doing it for the rest of the day.
-I'm also spending upwards of 45 minutes writing this post every day. It's helpful to center my thoughts, but I'd like to bring that number down to a half hour. Eat breakfst while I'm posting starting tomorrow.

Good Things:
-Healthy diet keeps working. I've basically become vegetarian again, which honestly feels great, but removing almost all animal products at once makes you very hungry. No overly-processed foods. I think I can eat more pasta. Actually devoured an entire salad yesterday. I'm doing something right. Huge victory!
-Took some time to work on making my work environment a little more energizing yesterday by organizing my desktop and some software I work with, and I think it paid off. I'm a bit more excited to get down to projects.

 

[Recovery Will Come]

Good work man!! Keep on trucking!! I’m only on day 3 but made it to 10 weeks about 5 years ago… Hard mode is the way to go if you want success.. Not a fact just my opinion.. Web browsing always was a trigger for me personally… Just stay disciplined.. Be active and productive.. You got this!!!

 

[rob24]

Thanks for the encouragement! Hope your recovery is going well, too - hang in there!

DAY 4
Last PMO - 12am on 5/7/2022.
Streak: 4 days, 12 hours

Productivity:
Yesterday: 4 minutes of video (Minutes 3-7) (Aim: finish thru 10 minutes today)

Summary:
Again - a pretty similar day yesterday. I bought an alarm clock and timer that will arrive today, so that will hopefully give me that 1% extra motivation. Sometimes spending a little money on fixing a behavioral problem creates that buy-in effect. I've been pretty stubborn with sleeping late, so it might help.

Bad Things:
-Good-and-bad: felt some urges yesterday night, but I didn't waver.
-Didn't meditate yesterday, but it's okay - I got a lot done and stayed pretty focused.
-Mostly did a good job keeping up with my work schedule, but once I hit the hours between 11pm and 2am, nothing seems to get done anymore. Got to bed at 2:30-2:45, but I wasn't asleep until 3:30ish.

Potential Fixes:
-New bedtime is 1:30am. Alarms for 8am. No electronics (phone) in my bedroom.
-Ordered the alarm and timer yesterday - today I'll pick them up and start using a timer to stay productive, and another alarm to help the heavy sleeping.
-Didn't meditate yesterday. I'll do that at 5pm for 15 minutes. Focus on not thinking too hard. Now it has a date set up.
-Since I just lost track of time online yesterday, I'm going to bed at 1:30am. Keep bringing back that target number. Setting up the new alarm a room away from my bedroom.
-Bringing the number of minutes writing this post down today. It's taken me under 30 minutes to post - big win!
-Schedule, schedule schedule! Yesterday was really productive, and I want to keep that up. I did a good job on that yesterday.

Good Things:
-I have totally forgotten about Magic: The Gathering Arena. I uninstalled it a couple days ago, so despite the fact that I've fallen into a couple new patterns, that was a really stubborn one. I'm proud of myself for going a few days without it, and even forgetting it a little bit, when I'd been a daily user for so long. I'm sure I'll get tempted again, but it's a good start.
-Yesterday was productive, if a bit boring. But I think that's the right vibe. Boring is okay. There's a lot of hard work to complete if you want to get a reward, and before I was looking for a lot of free highs throughout the day, from PMO to quick-hit video game fixes, to whatever else it might be. Here's to another day of getting ahead on projects - it'll be a great day

 

[rob24]

DAY 5
Last PMO - 12am on 5/7/2022.
Streak: 5 days, 12 hours

Productivity:
Yesterday: 3 minutes of video (Minutes 7-10) (Aim: review, finish, and polish today, start the next project)

Summary:
Another similar day. I got a lot of work done, but still not up to my goal so that I can have a relaxed vacation in a few weeks from now. Don't want to burn myself out, though. Might consider just committing to doing a little bit less. I find that when I compare my work with others, it burns me out more, even if it sometimes makes me a bit more productive. Finding myself doing that a lot lately.

Bad Things:
-More urges - but I did OK!
-Again, spent more time than I'd care to admit web browsing, etc. when there are chores and work to be done.
-New alarm didn't work, but it got me out of bed
-Sleep schedule went waaay off again when I fell asleep and woke up early, then couldn't fall asleep again until very late in the evening. Otherwise, I'm glad I woke up at the same time today. While this has been really stubborn, I've been equally stubborn in tryign to find solutions, so I'm glad that this reboot has shown me that I'm more consistent than I had originally believed.

Potential Fixes:
-Still aiming at a 1:30am bedtime. Alarms for 8am. No electronics (phone) in my bedroom. I failed at this yesterday, so I'm buying a little phone holding stand for like $10 on Amazon just to commit to keeping my phone out of my bedroom in the same spot.
-Still didn't meditate - just might not be important. I'm mostly focused - I just want to focus on things like a consistent sleep/wake time again.
-I'm going to bed at 1:00am. Still keep bringing back that target number. I just set all my alarms already.
-Keep staying on schedule. The more I do it, the easier it becomes.

Good Things:
-Great diet has improved - nothing but non-processed food all week. Looking forward to re-developing my taste for foods that aren't packed with sugar/saturated fat/sodium/etc.
-Haven't had much urge anymore to play Magic! Big win - I've been rekindling my enjoyment for other gaming experiences. A little more expensive, but I'm sure I'll reign it in after some time. It's fine because my work is involved with gaming journalism, so it's actually a really important quality for me to develop (super fun!)
-Looking forward to spending some time outdoors with my friends later on today. No drinking issues. I usually have two beers when we go out to drink, but I'm going to have just one tonight, as an exercise in self-control. It's starting to feel like it's becoming more fun to challenge myself.

 

[rob24]

DAY 6
Last PMO - 12am on 5/7/2022.
Streak: 6 days, 12 hours

Productivity:
Yesterday: Finished my last project. Didn't get fully started on the next one, as I'm still in some concepting stages.
Today: Going to need to get a lot of work done today to keep up with a deadline coming up. 3 minutes of footage is the goal.

Summary:
Had a great day! Still bogged down by the issues I talked about with sleep time, but otherwise, I spent a lot of time out with friends, and limited myself to one beer. Good self-control. I just want to keep working on these habits.

Bad Things:
-Had a few moments of fantasizing about PMO/temptations last night. Not really any serious issues, but I think it's just normal. I will keep it in mind to post here if I get into deeper waters.
-Sleep habits still off. Otherwise, the days have been almost reaching my goals. I really want to hit them though.
-Noticing myself worrying about more random things (random health things, thinking about death, imagining random bad things that could happen to me) since I've gotten PMO out of my life. I think it's a little phase as I used that as a coping mechanism to avoid thinking about anything I didn't want to confront before. But it'll seem disproportionate. Just getting myself ready for those thought patterns.

Potential Fixes:
-Today I'll aim at a 1:30am bedtime. Just keep trying. I've taken all the measures I'd care to take.
-Keep staying on schedule. The more I do it, the easier it becomes.
-I had a great day yesterday, but it's easy to get caught up in success, so I will do my best not to get distracted today. Keep my phone away from me. Now that I've bought a stand to hold it on, that can be a nice little behavioral cue.

Good Things:
-Doing an awesome job in these three departments:
1) Healthy diet
2) Quitting online games I was addicted to (Magic: The Gathering)
3) Limiting to one beer drinking. Going to keep doing this from now on (to be clear, I've never had an alcohol problem and don't think I ever will, thank god - it just doesn't affect me the same way it's affected others in my family - I think it's important to be able to drink and say "that's enough" after a slight buzz from one drink rather than feeling like you need to hit the "finish line" of feeling inebriated. I just wanted to assert this habit with myself, and I'm happy it worked - I just told my friends "one and done" - I think it's contagious)

 

[Blondie]

Nice job Rob24! Keep it up. Almost a week porn-free.

 

[rob24]

DAY 1
Last PMO - 6pm on 7/4/2022
Streak: 1 day, 16 hours

Back on a new recovery - had been relapsing a lot there. Reset my ticker, and I want to try slow and steady this time. Don't be an overachiever. Just relax. I want this for me. On the lookout for mental hijacking. The farthest I've ever made it was about 60 days. Looking to beat that.

Things I'm trying:

1) Accountability - use this forum on a daily basis again to keep trying to quit PMO.
2) If...Then Rules - IF I feel urges/temptations, I will (1) go to the bathroom and (2) read "Your Brain on Porn" - a great book I picked up awhile back, until I feel calmed down
3) Routine - Generally, a more scheduled lifestyle. I'm working on that. Working on improving a lot of other things in my life too right now.
4) Mentally saying "STOP" - whenever I notice I'm fantasizing for any particular reason
5) Using an app to track the time since relapse. Somehow I find watching this little number tick up and show me how far along I've come is motivating.

I will try to format these posts to be a bit punchier/more bite-sized soon to take account of these things.

I'm optimistic, since I just recently managed to quit Magic: The Gathering, and I have almost no desire to go back to it (too expensive, and had a hard time making friends in the community I play in - many people are very closed-off). I've replaced it with more outdoor time with friends, healthier alternatives, and I'm not really looking back. THis was one I didn't think I could shake.

 

[anubu0]

You have a solid plan. Stick to it and results will come. I've been struggling a lot with a series of relapses. Like you I had a relatively large streak at the beginning of my reboot journey but have fallen into a rut. Let's break free of this addiction once and for all. Rooting for you!

 

[rob24]

Thanks anubu0! Hope everything is going well

DAY 2
Last PMO - 6pm on 7/4/2022
Streak: 2 days, 17 hours

Yeaterday went REALLY well. Turns out I'm highly productive even without PMO in my day. I got about 4-5 full hours of flow-concentrated work done.

I'm looking for natural substitutes since I know that I'm going to be chemically-starved and I want to lessen the withdrawal. Here's a few behavior patterns I've observed of myself:

1) I look for a "high" point each day to replace orgasm.
2) When I'm not using PMO, I usually default to buying things

My mind is turning more to real-life women, but I'm also observing ridiculous thought patterns that bleed out into my behavior like: "If I just buy enough things for my house, I will be able to meet more women, and that will eventually get rid of my loneliness/end my deprivation from PMO."

This usually manifests itself through trips out to the store during the day, largely to buy home improvements. Things like home decor or furniture, or beer for hosting friends. Some of this is good, but I'm also noticing that I get a "high" from buying something, and it's not really arriving at any satisfaction. There's not one thing you can buy and ultimately think "Ah, now I feel completely satisfied." That's always fleeting and subject to hedonic adaptation.

That being said, I've decided to take the focus off of possessions/environment, and just focus on what I'm doing with my time itself.

Running is a HUGE natural supplement, so I'm doing a lot of that, and it helps me meet people.

I am doing more analysis of my thought patterns like this, which is honestly great for some form of self-therapy.

I'm also just pouring a lot more creative energy into my job, and taking out time for more side-projects with things I usually never have time with. Stay busy.

Until tomorrow!

 

[rob24]

DAY 3
Last PMO - 6pm on 7/4/2022
Streak: 3 days, 16 hours

Another successful day of avoding PMO.

Ran with some friends yesterday, which was a great time, though I drank four beers and woke up feeling hungover. Bleh.

Maybe I'll just quit drinking instead. I've only felt sick whenever I've done it lately. It doesn't have much of a hold on me. One of my grandfathers supposedly grew to have a dependence on alcohol. For me, I've never really had that - it's helpful for meeting people, though. But I'm fairly gregarious and have no problem socializing sober. I think next week when I meet with the group, I'll just buy a snack or something instead, and drink a large thermos of water.

One good choice leads to another. Sometimes, there's a domino effect where one healthy decision leads to more of them. I'm starting to feel that here. Cliched, but it makes you remember what things you were running from, and how you actually want to make your life better instead.

That's motivation. Makes the challenge feel more life-changing and all-encompassing. Last beer I drank was 7/7 at 11pm. Now I quit.

Why? It's bad for my health, it makes me feel sick, it's a waste of money, and it's a crutch for socializing. I don't demonize it or judge others, but I think I personally might just have more fun drinking an O'Doul's or something, and seeing if I can't have the same amount of fun. lol. I kind of like analyzing social situations in real-time anyway. Beer inhibits that, and I just become a rude and obnoxious chatterbox. It's not good for the people around me. I need to be a better listener, more conscientious of how the things I say affect other people, etc. And I think I do a better job at that when I'm sober.

-----

Part of the reason I was drinking was because I want to meet more women. I haven't dated since college (first job consumed my life, then there was COVID living at home with parents, and now I'm finally living on my own in an apartment), but I was always focused on getting into a relationship before I really became friends with women, which led to relationships where I lusted after the other person briefly, but there wasn't much intellectual engagement to scaffold, so things quickly fell apart.

Now I'm doing the opposite. I just look for friends. Naturally, it's easier to make friends with men because that's just one more thing in common, but I'm trying to change that by putting myself out there and meeting more women, and genuinely not looking for anything in terms of relationship, etc.

I'm trying to cultivate indifference as to whether the person is interested in me in terms of having a romantic/sexual relationship.

I want to see if I can meet more friends who happen to be women, and then see if I can connect to people on a deeper level before looking for dating, sex, etc. I think that's pretty healthy for getting a better balance in life.

But I'm also just becoming more aware of these thought patterns where I'm being lazy and not really deeply thinking about what I want in life. To be completely honest, I'm trying to figure out if a relationship is even something that I want at all. Or maybe my idea of what makes a good relationship is just maturing, and becoming more informed by purely Platonic friendships I have with my male friends. It's an area I'm still exploring. But I'm trying to tear down a lot of social conditioning/naive and childish assumptions about relationships.

Ultimately, cultivating these habits has been making me feel a lot happier, less anxious, and more comfortable, especially in social situations where I used to feel like I would rate and judge myself so harshly. I'm just more indifferent and even-keeled about obsessing over what other people think and feel about me. I think it's an area that's worth making progress in, and one in which I've already come a long way. Maybe I'll revisit this in a future post.

Until tomorrow!

 

[rob24]

DAY 4
Last PMO - 6pm on 7/4/2022
Streak: 4 days, 20 hours

Doing well. Finding new hobbies and ways to keep myself busy, and finding a lot more time for work. My mind feels clear and focused. When I felt like PMO, I went for a walk instead. Very helpful source of natural release.

I've noticed that I've been seeking comfort rather than challenge in my life. Reboot has brought me back to a lot of things that are sources of frustration and feeling small or upset. Being out of shape, not eating a great diet, consuming alcohol, etc. But I feel good about confronting more of them - like I have a better grip and control over the situation. I've experienced this feeling many times before during reboots, and it's usually a good sign, but by no means puts me in the clear.

I need to keep finding ways of challenging myself. Last night I went out with some friends and was the designated driver. No drinking - but I used that as an excuse anyway to avoid drinking in the first place. I genuinely had a good time while entirely avoiding alcohol. It made me a little more cognizant of my surroundings, more polite (people can act wild on Friday night), and I got a good night's sleep instead of waking up sick.

Not to mention, alcohol is EXPENSIVE, and not buying it allows me to be more generous and get more things for others. That makes me happier - like swapping out sugary snacks for produce which may not taste as good immediately or give that "kick," but genuinely are better for you in the long run, and aren't followed by any sickly feeling later on. It feels stoic, it feels difficult, and overall, it's adding ot this greater mental engagement I've got going with my overall decision-making process. I'm feeling happier delaying gratification and picking the difficult options that will reap greater results down the line.

I think it's important to have social outlets that don't involve drinking, etc. Sometimes it seems like the only options are either (1) go to bars and clubs and drink excessively, or (2) be a church-going person (not to disparage as I think it can do great things for people, but I've had difficulty finding something that's less of a stark alternative to partying), with little middle ground. Maybe I just use that as an excuse. Anyway, I've had more success meeting similar people by finding any possible outdoor activity that can be done with a group on a regular basis, and going from there.

One group I run with goes for a jog, then meets up for drinks and refreshments afterward. I think I'll stop drinking alcohol with that group, but still run and have some refreshments instead. I still feel like it's important to keep trying to get back out there and meet more people, too. There's another group that meets on Saturdays. Maybe I'll consider doing that, or join the local track club. I like running and I'm good at it.

Overall, I'm in a very happy, constructive place right now. Lots of work to do, but it's good to be busy.

Little to add of actionable interest to change the reboot since yesterday. Maybe I'll start to play around with more stoic practices again.

Until tomorrow.

 

[rob24]

DAY 6
Last PMO - 6pm on 7/4/2022
Streak: 6 days, 2 hours

Had a good day. Productive and happy. Started working at some personal self-reflection and other hobbies I'm keeping busy with. Had some friends over my home and hosted them for a few drinks, some board games/card games/etc. and just had a nice chat in general. I had a few drinks, but it was spaced out and I honestly didn't really even feel like it - just wanted to be polite after offering them to my guests. It's a bit of a social thing to separate yourself from that. Not really a problem at all. I've just sort of decided that I don't want to have regular, long-term weekly drinking as a health thing. Since this weekend was busy, I think I'll gradually ease into it over the next few weeks, especially when I see the group I'm so used to drinking in other activities. Not concerned about it at all, really.

It's weird, but I feel like the pendulum has swung back a bit. A few weeks ago, I was feeling really alone and lonely, but now that I've spent a couple weekends out with friends again, I just feel like focusing on myself and my work instead. I want to be disciplined and alone and focused. It's kind of helping me work through some mental issues I've buried in the back of my mind awhile. Just taking quiet time each day. I've reached a bit more self-acceptance. I used to get so worked up outwardly when I was a kid, or inwardly as a teen when I felt slighted or upset - especially about things or values that others projected onto me.

I feel more confident, but I'm also deriving my sense of self-worth and value from my work instead of social things. I happen to be better at being consistent at my job than at social things and relationships, so that's made me a little more cool and collected and hopefully easy to be around.

I'm just looking for more outlets for this energy. I feel silly going for long runs and getting in a lot of mileage each week. It just seems like a very ephemeral thing to get good at. I gave up guitar and piano a little while back, despite the fact that I was good at them. Too much memorization for my taste now. I need something that (1) is an interesting, challenging, and complex skill (2) is a mental break from work, and (3) can form a replacement for PMO, and all the energy that went into it.

I don't like working out as much anymore since I've tried that in the past, and it just doesn't really last for a long time, especially if you need to take a week off here or there. I mean something like starting a blog or some other type of productive, constructive pursuit. Adding real, concrete, demonstrable value to your life in placement of the time and attention and short-term dopamine cycle from PMO can be a real long-term victory over it. Some people start their own blogs or YouTube channels, for example, about how their reboot experience has been and what's worked or not worked for them. It doesn't have to be exactly like this, but I feel like it would be a real victory to find something similar like this to really separate myself from my old way of life. I just feel like my free time before wasn't very exciting. Often, I would turn to PMO because (1) I was stressed, or (2) I got bored and sought a free release (PMO - it's totally free) as a replacement for something I hadn't yet earned.

Stressed? PMO will fix that. Can't afford to go out on an adventure and don't have the time/money to spare? PMO will give the same release. Don't want to go out there and try to meet someone? PMO. Don't look the way you want to look? PMO. Don't have time to really work on yourself and your own flaws and things you want to change about your personality and energy? PMO. It's just too easy. I've focused every fiber of my being into my job for the last year, and suppressed the other parts because I've known it was important if I wanted to establish better financial safety and security. Maybe some of that is excuse, but there's also a legitimate argument to be made for this one-size fits all solution, otherwise it wouldn't have been so powerful a draw in the first place.

Pulling from the "gamify your life" philosophy (which I think is a really good way to get yourself engaged with improving your life and outlook) I think I need to find a big, new skill or business or hobby or pursuit to become obsessed with. Maybe I'll sit down and make a list of what areas I feel like are most lacking in my life as a person. Either that or double down on my work, which gives me great joy to pursue. I don't want to spread myself too thin and wind up with a million hobbies I'm bad at. Maybe just find a new angle to come at my work from, since it's largely a break or relief from it that I need (I already spend nearly 50% of the day obsessing over my work, but maybe I could pin down that statistic better).

I'll go think about that - measure twice, cut once, as the carpenters say.

Until tomorrow!

 

[rob24]

DAY 6 (still - I posted a bit late yesterday)
Last PMO - 6pm on 7/4/2022
Streak: 6 days, 15 hours

Another successful day - should pass a week today. I've noticed possible early signs of PIED type of sensitivity returning a bit in the mornings. Good sign. Though I still need to make a push to mentally say "STOP" when I'm sitting around, especially at night before bed. I've found that to be the best technique. I wasn't taking that part very seriously, and it's definitely progress, but I think just focusing on that one thing is important.

I looked over all my commitments last night, and I honestly decided NOT to try to find a new passion project or anything to use up my time. I feel like I've been staring at some of the same goals since I've been 19 and 20 years old, and I just want to accomplish one or two things that I'm aiming for - NOT spread myself thin with hobbies and passions and get nothing done.

So I've decided to focus in on just one or two areas of my life, where maybe I can honestly make a difference if I commit to them (1) doing my best at my job, and (2) Quitting PMO.

If I go out and try to pursue relationships/working on myself mentally, I've found that I lose focus and things fall apart. It has in previous reboots with similar patterns (tens of times before). Not to say I'm isolating myself - just that I'm not emotionally prepared enough to go out and pursue more commitments when I'm still not appreciably far along with the main two things that are important to me in life right now.

Less is more, and I'd rather actually be impactful in one or two areas of my life rather than losing sight of my goal. Life needs P/PC (production/production capacity) balance after all, in the words of Stephen Covey. Need time to recharge to focus on the 2 or 3 things that will actuallly make a difference, rather than trying to do 9 or 10 things, and failing because you bit off more than you could chew.

 

[rob24]

DAY 0
Last PMO - 3:05am on 7/17/2022
Streak: 0 days, 11 hours

Relapsed last night, and several times around the week mark. Didn't follow my self-rules. I guess writing them down didn't work. Maybe practice them in less dire circumstances of urges in order to get the habit going for when I feel greater urges?

I'm going to be a little less fluffy and winding in my posts. Sometimes, cracking it down to numbers, etc. makes it feel more meaningful and measurable. So here goes:

Here's a review of what worked/didn't work, and some potential fixes. It's mostly a matter of (1) mental hijacking when experiencing urges and (2) lack of self-control in these instances. It's almost like I go under a hypnotic trace when these situations arise. I even go online and look things up to buy, etc. before the urge is satisfied because it's like a Jekyll/Hyde type of phenomenon. Total 180 after. think I will add in some self-control exercises.

Key:
Worked
Didn't Work (chose not to do it when I felt urges)
Potential Change

1) Accountability - use this forum on a daily basis again to keep trying to quit PMO. I will still post even the day after I relapse if it ever happens again. Not that there are any plans for it to, but just so that I don't go on a "binge" again like this last week. I hope this comes from a good place - I'm happy to hear from others, and I love this forum, but proselytizing can be toxic. I would appreciate it for my own thread here if readers avoid psychoanalyzing my posts. A simple "Good job" is more than enough for me personally if you have made it part of your goal to post to others' reboots. I'm not proud of my sensitivity, though it's caused me to quit this forum in the past. And I just want to be constructive as I can. We all have our own personal demons to face. Thank you for reading and considering my opinions and experience.
2) If...Then Rules - IF I feel urges/temptations, I will (1) go to the bathroom and (2) read "Your Brain on Porn" - a great book I picked up awhile back, until I feel calmed down. And (3) Post here until the urge subsides.
3) Routine - Generally, a more scheduled lifestyle. I'm working on that. Working on improving a lot of other things in my life too right now. I will set an alarm to wake up at the same time every day at 8am.
4) Mentally saying "STOP" - whenever I notice I'm fantasizing for any particular reason.
5) Using an app to track the time since relapse. Somehow I find watching this little number tick up and show me how far along I've come is motivating. (Add in a widget that shows number of minutes and seconds to visualize every moment away from PMO as a success. Day by day may not feel like enough of a reward to replace what's missing from so much PMO. I will seek out an app or something that does this. A reinforcement and a mental reminder.)
6) Track data daily - Track personal data from other pursuits that are giving me happiness and fulfillment in life to visualize measurable progress away from PMO.
7) Pratice self-control - Do something difficult or unpleasant each day that is good for me, to practice preparing for mental hijacking. Cold shower is a good example of this. I will take a completely cold shower after I run from now on. No more hot showers.
8) Prepare in advance - Since I know that I will be tempted and hijacked at hopefully rarer and rarer intervals for the next few days, weeks, months, and years, I will begin each day when I am resolute by anticipating that my future self will be weak and unable to resist urges. I will reread Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson for at least 15 minutes each morning and even after I've finished it, keep rereading it through and through until I've mastered its contents. There's an excellent section on mental hijacking I will review each day, at least until I've reached the 90 day mark.
9) Section these posts - Posts are meant to help track progress day by day. THat is most easily done through more bite-sized chunks rather than long, prosaic paragraphs that just empty the mind. THat can still be a section, but they felt huffy and winding before.

 

[rob24]

DAY 1
Last PMO - 3:05am on 7/17/2022
Streak: 1 day, 8 hours

Commitments (this will be a running, compounding list of things I'm trying)
NEW

Limiting Access
-Phone, laptop, and desktop stay in my office. They do NOT leave that room for ANY reason. Why? It keeps my bedroom clear of temptations.

Reward Replacement
-"TimeSince" Android app has a widget that displays Months, Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes, and SECONDS since an event (really small lifetime premium fee of around $2 to get all the features)
-Taking data on a spreadsheet I use called "DATA" each day to visualize progress in other life areas

Cues
-Make bed every day and physically place Your Brain on Porn on my bed as a reminder
-Posted "If...Then" rules on the wall above my bed as a reminder

Lifestyle Changes
-Ultra-detailed checklists for daily routines. Keep making it more detailed, and change it during nightly reviews of the day.

Potential ideas in case if these don't work:
-"extinction training" - open up a site and then close it each day in order to condition yourself to resist urges better

Things I have committed to do, but I'm still not doing yet
-Cold showers
-Mentally saying "STOP" sooner in catching myself in fantasies
-Schedule timeliness/sleeping in/being able to fall asleep at the right hour
-Keeping phone in one room (once or twice I accidentally get absorbed in something and move it out of the room)

Subjective Assessment (10 sentences or less):
A good restart - I'm confident I'm doing better than the last one already. I've made everything strictly countable because I've left so much to chance as to whether I'll succeed in the past, and a relapse can feel so debilitating. If I track data more carefully and treat this as a recovering psychological habit, I think I have the best chance at success, and especially learning and improving from previous relapses.

I feel optimistic, but I also am observing myself avoid my schedule or not do things because I don't feel like doing them. I will be patient with myself as I learn, but I also want to keep re-adjusting the schedule to be realistic. I'm not superman. Today, I will do my best, while also realistically observing however much I can accomplish in one day, and making changes as needed.

Feeling (6 words or less):
Even keel. Optimistic. Slightly bored.

 

[rob24]

DAY 2
Last PMO - 3:05am on 7/17/2022
Streak: 2 days, 7 hours

Commitments

Limiting Access
-Phone, laptop, and desktop stay in my office. They do NOT leave that room for ANY reason. Why? It keeps my bedroom clear of temptations.
-Safe internet browsing software installed on my smartphone. More of a speedbump than anything else

Reward Replacement
-"TimeSince" Android app has a widget that displays Months, Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes, and SECONDS since an event (really small lifetime premium fee of around $2 to get all the features)
-Taking data on a spreadsheet I use called "DATA" each day to visualize progress in other life areas

Cues
-Make bed every day and physically place Your Brain on Porn on my bed as a reminder
-Posted "If...Then" rules on the wall above my bed as a reminder
-Alternatives to PMO posting next to the If...Then rules by my bed, for instant ideas when needed.

Lifestyle Changes
-Ultra-detailed checklists for daily routines. Keep making it more detailed, and change it during nightly reviews of the day.

Potential ideas in case if these don't work:
-"extinction training" - open up a site and then close it each day in order to condition yourself to resist urges better

Things I have committed to do, but I'm still not doing yet
-Cold showers
-Mentally saying "STOP" sooner in catching myself in fantasies (Did it once or twice yesterday)
-Schedule timeliness/sleeping in/being able to fall asleep at the right hour (woke up an hour earlier today)
-Keeping phone in one room (again, once or twice I accidentally get absorbed in something and move it out of the room)

Subjective Assessment (10 sentences or less):
One successful day has gone by. I feel bored, and although on the surface that's not seemingly nefarious, I know that it will cause me to be tempted more today. Every successful confrontation with temptation is not a weakening, but a solidifying of habits. It's not in avoiding temptation that I'm going to get out of this, but rather confronting it and demonstrating self-control so that over time, it has less of a hold on me.

I used to have a video game addiction issue, but ever since I have started working in the games industry, it's thankfully made me a bit more tired of gaming in general. That's not to say that there aren't games that I could still become addicted to. But it's just that I know how to handle myself when I confront them better.

Today, I'm going to try something that worked for me in college when I was a senior and feeling pressured by all the commitments I was trying to make in order to secure a stable future: envision the entire day in (1) perfect success, and (2) perfect failure, down to minute detail. Then when the time comes, you will be able to identify and spot from far away the "deceivers" in your path (distraction, laziness, boredom, etc.).

Feeling (6 words or less):
Engaged. Groggy. Hopeful, yet unexcited.

 

[rob24]

DAY 3
Last P - 3:05am on 7/17/2022
Streak: 3 days, 8 hours
Last MO - 6:25am on 7/20/2022

Commitments

Limiting Access
-Phone, laptop, and desktop stay in my office. They do NOT leave that room for ANY reason. Why? It keeps my bedroom clear of temptations.
-Safe internet browsing software installed on my smartphone. More of a speedbump than anything else

Reward Replacement
-"TimeSince" Android app has a widget that displays Months, Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes, and SECONDS since an event (really small lifetime premium fee of around $2 to get all the features)
-Taking data on a spreadsheet I use called "DATA" each day to visualize progress in other life areas

Cues
-Make bed every day and physically place Your Brain on Porn on my bed as a reminder
-Posted "If...Then" rules on the wall above my bed as a reminder
-Alternatives to PMO posting next to the If...Then rules by my bed, for instant ideas when needed.

Lifestyle Changes
-Ultra-detailed checklists for daily routines. Keep making it more detailed, and change it during nightly reviews of the day.

Confronting and Resisting Discomfort
-Cold showers only

Potential ideas in case if these don't work:
-"extinction training" - open up a site and then close it each day in order to condition yourself to resist urges better
-moving furniture around

Things I have committed to do, but I'm still not doing yet
-Mentally saying "STOP" sooner in catching myself in fantasies
-Schedule timeliness/sleeping in/being able to fall asleep at the right hour
-Keeping phone in one room (again, once or twice I accidentally get absorbed in something and move it out of the room)

Subjective Assessment (10 sentences or less):
I relapsed with regard to MO in the middle of the morning when I woke up unexpectedly. Keeping the phone in the other room for so many days consistently was surprisingly effective, even after I felt like I was thoroughly hijacked by impulses, and after the act, I felt a surprising lifting of mental fog. (1) I need to get better at controlling that - resisting mental impulse and states, and (2) Consistently rehearsing with a silly rule like "I can't take any of my electronics outside of my office" was effective when the time came.

I actually think it was progress to completely avoid P. I'm going to start trying new mental self-control "games" to make this reboot more fun. What about a few new rules?

Feeling (6 words or less):
Expectant. Not completely fulfilled. Anxious.