Reboot Journal: A path to freedom
- Thread starter espresso123
- Start date
espresso123
Member
@GrateClips Thanks for posting on this thread. It sure is. For me, it’s not only being alone but nothing to occupy my time with. I think that is why the weekends are so hard. During the week, it can be a struggle, but with work and other activities, I seem to do Ok. But when the weekend hits, I am alone, and I have no plans, that is definitely a fragile time. I think I am gonna call my brother and see if he wants to come down next weekend and stay. I just need to get through a weekend to know that it can be done. Right now it’s a bit of a strangle hold.
Thanks again for posting on this thread. I wish you much success on your journey.
espresso123
Member
Day 2. I MO today. No Porn or any external media. I just didn't want to do the porn, so elected for that instead. Didn't fantasize until the very end. Wasn't ideal, but it was better than the alternative.
This is such a messy journey. I am not going to give up. Someday I hope to be over this mess. The voice inside me says "You can at any time. You have a choice". I know that is true, but yet, it kind of feels critical at the same time. It's feel punishing. Just being honest. Probably sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and playing the victim. Maybe I am. But I don't want to write something phony. It's how I feel.
Just gonna keep trying.
This is such a messy journey. I am not going to give up. Someday I hope to be over this mess. The voice inside me says "You can at any time. You have a choice". I know that is true, but yet, it kind of feels critical at the same time. It's feel punishing. Just being honest. Probably sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and playing the victim. Maybe I am. But I don't want to write something phony. It's how I feel.
Just gonna keep trying.
espresso123
Member
Day 3. Trying to get plans lined up for the weekend so I can get through it without slipping again. Texted my friend and asked if he wanted to take a road trip on Sunday to my favorite book store. He is in the same boat as me, so I could be open to him and just tell him that I am trying to make it through the weekend without any slips. It felt good to take action on that and just be honest.
I am going to meet with a friend tomorrow who is also struggling with this. He kind of hinted around to it in a text awhile back. Today I just kind of said "what the hell" and texted him, and told him I would love to get together for a cup of coffee. I would love to have a few people in my life who can relate, and we can actually meet for a cup of coffee, or go or a walk or something like that, and just give each other support. I'm not looking to join a twelve step group (for those that are, I'm fully supportive of that. In fact, I am in a fellowship of another addiction and it literally saved my life. I am just on a different kind of journey with this thing). So yeah, just have some friends in the same town, that we can meetup and give a little support to each other would be awesome.
God, the weekdays are so much easier than the weekends. It makes sense. I am busy with work, exercise, and whatever else the week has to offer. It is just those pesky weekends. I know if I can get those under control, I will be stacking together some days and healing.
But yeah, I am trying to setup plans for the weekend now, instead of Friday, when by that time, it is already too late.
I am going to meet with a friend tomorrow who is also struggling with this. He kind of hinted around to it in a text awhile back. Today I just kind of said "what the hell" and texted him, and told him I would love to get together for a cup of coffee. I would love to have a few people in my life who can relate, and we can actually meet for a cup of coffee, or go or a walk or something like that, and just give each other support. I'm not looking to join a twelve step group (for those that are, I'm fully supportive of that. In fact, I am in a fellowship of another addiction and it literally saved my life. I am just on a different kind of journey with this thing). So yeah, just have some friends in the same town, that we can meetup and give a little support to each other would be awesome.
God, the weekdays are so much easier than the weekends. It makes sense. I am busy with work, exercise, and whatever else the week has to offer. It is just those pesky weekends. I know if I can get those under control, I will be stacking together some days and healing.
But yeah, I am trying to setup plans for the weekend now, instead of Friday, when by that time, it is already too late.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Great work, Espresso. To have in-person support would be great. Personally, I'm way too shy to let anyone know about my porn addiction (other than this fine forum, of course).
espresso123
Member
Thank You! Yeah man I get it. Lots of stigma behind this stuff. People shout from the highest hilltops when they are recovered drug addict or alcoholics. See how many shout from the highest hilltops they are recovered porn addicts. Lol.
These are people who have the same problem as us. It is a couple friends of mine. Kind of a buddy system to help each other out. I have to do it to get me through some weekends. Super bad company by myself on the weekend. Lol.
These are people who have the same problem as us. It is a couple friends of mine. Kind of a buddy system to help each other out. I have to do it to get me through some weekends. Super bad company by myself on the weekend. Lol.
GBS
Respected Member
Keep going @espresso123 . You are clearly on the path because you are making distractions so you don’t fall off. That’s an awesome sign. The part of your brain, the devil part, that wants to tempt you back will be so annoyed with you because you are putting road blocks up. It is very hopeful. Focus on this forum too. We’re all the same and I couldn’t have done my time without you guys.
espresso123
Member
First post for awhile. I still am struggling to get that day 7. I needed to take a break from this. Or maybe I didn't. I just found myself only wanting to post shares about how many days I have, or the success I am having. I mean, not really. If I look back on my threads, I have been pretty darn raw and honest, so Ok maybe ix-nay my previous statement. But, I started to feel discouraged with this experience. It started to feel kinda masochistic. What I realize is I was putting all the emphasis on the number. I can't do that. A streak does not necessarily define the growth. As an example from another neck of the woods, I know people who haven't drank for years who are miserable and I would not want anything they had to offer. So the number doesn't always represent the inside pages, so to speak... Though it is an ideal and one that ultimately I strive for. I am not fooling myself. I know that I want this out of my life. But, if there are more days without, than there are with, then I should accept this progress in my life. Gotta start somewhere....but for the record, I have 2 1/2 days....and some odd minutes....and seconds.