Retiring for the night and Day 3 is in the books. I so don't want to curse this, but it does feel different than last time. I know tough times are going to come, and maybe it could be an hour from now, but I feel like the scale is starting to tip toward, I don't wanna do it, more than it is toward I wanna do it (even if I was wanting to do it, I would still not want to do it, if that makes sense. I have a feeling someone understands what I am saying). My inner critic is already telling me "Don't write this stuff, your just going to screw up again, and then you'll look like an idiot", but I don't care. He can go to hell. I'm not stopping writing. I don't care if it feels like everything is better and I am never going to do it again, or if it feels like I could say f*** it at any moment and I hate everything around me. That is what I am going to write.
Whew, feeling a little spicy. Lol. Well, I just got off the phone with someone who tried to manipulate me and take me hostage with their opinion. That is always tons of fun. You know, I would rather have someone just be straight forward and pushy, than passive and clever. They set you up with compliments, buttering you up with attention, then bob and weave through their own vocabulary finding places where they try and insert mind control without their victims knowing it. It's gross. Lol. This dude is the master, only he is trying it on another master. Lol. Yes, I have that in me as well, so I can smell it a mile away.
I swear to you, I am not one of those paranoid uptight dudes where everybody else is a jerk. I'm actually pretty chill. But, that is what he was trying to do. Better luck next time dudeage.
Man, today a lady at the gym tried to convince me that Napoleon Dynamites brother works out at our gym. She is the type that wouldn't just say that either. She went on to build her case about how he came from our town, and has since moved back and is working out at our gym. I actually got excited and said I am going to get his autograph and ask him to kick me in the shin (you'll have had the see the movie). She laughed so hard. I don't think she believed me, but I was totally serious
Well, after I gathered more data on the situation, I don't think she is right and that guy would have had no idea at all what I was talking about. It was a really funny part of my day. I loved it.
The sun was out today, and I got to exercise with a host of friends, then lie around in a pool of sweat afterwards and take note at how dirty the floors were (visual inspection while lying on the ground....ewe.) Good visits. I love these people. It's good to have people in our lives. It's always been un-natural for me to pursue relationships (not just romantic). Not really all that great at social queues. But, there are moments, more and more for me, where I really love people.
I don't think I have anything else left in my brain, that is worth spilling to this page, so I guess I am done. God, I am going to do 27 backflips (Ok, maybe forward somersaults. I think I could handle that) when I make it to Monday and have survived the weekend. I don't care if my ass falls of this weekend, I am not going to slip and end up on some dumb ass porn site. I want my old self back. There was a time when my sex space was completely normal (well mostly). I never looked at Porn and was really excited about being with other human beings. Then slowly that shit took over, and it has caused so much anxiety in my life, and disconnected me from beauty of being a human being. I want my life back. You all have shown me that it can happen. You can get it back. Seems a little different than say "drugs". They say once a pickle always a pickle. But with this thing, it is such a relief to know that if you just leave it completely alone, then the body will heal and return itself to a normal state. Granted, I know the goal then, would be able to keep that state, but it's such a positive message. Better than the doom and gloom that can surround such situations. I thank you all for giving me a positive message.
I am falling asleep. Really have no idea what I just wrote. It doesn't matter. It stays just as is.
