Pazienza
Active Member
Day 41
I am married, we have been together since we were 19, and we are 39 now. She is a great woman, and both 100% aware of the PMO issues, and supportive of me in this journey.
I am 41 days into my reboot, as you can see on the header. I started rebooting in February, but I had a few slip-ups and relapses that set my count back a little bit. But I'm on a good streak now, and I am building up some good momentum. I have noticed great improvement since I passed the 30-day mark. I am more attentive, I have better self-control in other areas, and I have more energy. I also am finding enjoyment in the simple pleasures of life again, like I used to. Other people in my life are seeing the difference as well. My wife has told me a few times that she has noticed an improvement in our relationship and sex life, and my friend said yesterday that I seem happier these days and not so worried about everything. The urges to look at porn still come and go on a daily basis. I will have time periods where it doesn’t cross my mind for days at a time, and then I will have days where it does. But I stay busy, and I am keeping myself honest and clean, and I count that as success.
I am a chronic pot-head, I have been since I was very young. I am a hippie at heart, and have always loved my weed, but it is becoming an issue for me. So I am also trying to control my marijuana usage, and finding that it is actually more difficult than not using porn. I have been noticing since I started rebooting that when I smoke weed, my sex drive is greatly increased. It makes me horny, brings on sexual urges, and makes it harder to control those urges. And it makes sexual fantasies much harder to control as well. Usually when I am high, wife and I will have a lot of sex, but she is on her period at the moment so we have not had any for about a week. Usually she will give me a handjob, which is a great release for me, but it is hard to not drift into more sex fantasy during. I kind of feel like getting high when we are not able to have sex is adding an unnecessary temptation and playing with fire.
I am a construction worker, and I am nearing the end of my 5-year apprenticeship. Next month I have to take my Journeyman's test. I am allowed exactly 30 days to study, and then the test is an open book, 6-hour test that is deceptively difficult to pass. Most people who take it fail the first time, and have to retake it. There are some who pass on the first go, but they are rare. This test is a big deal, so I will be putting everything else on the back burner for the next month, and focus on studying so I can move forward with my career. I am trying to not get high during this period of time, but I have already failed twice in the last week. I need to take that part seriously, so I plan on adding that to my journal entries to keep me focused on maintaining sobriety during my study/testing period. In the past, when circumstances required it, I have quit using for a few weeks, or a few months, or in one case – two years. So I know I can do it, it’s just an inconvenience really. I know I can live without weed, I just need to wrap my head around it.
I have some confusion about sexual fantasies. I used to think they were bad, because early on in my reboot, they were simply a mental re-run of my favorite porn scenes. But as time goes on, and recovery continues, they have not been porn-inspired. I am starting to think that my sexual fantasies are somewhat natural, because they seem to come from my imagination and not necessarily from porn. Ever since I started masturbating as a child, I have always used my imagination, so I believe those fantasies may be a part of my sexual self. My goals in rebooting include eliminating the influence that pornography has had on my brain, and returning to the brain that existed before I became a porn user. I feel that as long as my fantasies originate organically from me, and are not just me replaying porn scenes in my head, then that is probably ok. At any rate, they don’t seem to be going anywhere, and I don’t want to continue to hate something that simply may just be a part of who I am. Is it possible that I am just naturally kinky? That my fantasies are just a part of who I am?
I am married, we have been together since we were 19, and we are 39 now. She is a great woman, and both 100% aware of the PMO issues, and supportive of me in this journey.
I am 41 days into my reboot, as you can see on the header. I started rebooting in February, but I had a few slip-ups and relapses that set my count back a little bit. But I'm on a good streak now, and I am building up some good momentum. I have noticed great improvement since I passed the 30-day mark. I am more attentive, I have better self-control in other areas, and I have more energy. I also am finding enjoyment in the simple pleasures of life again, like I used to. Other people in my life are seeing the difference as well. My wife has told me a few times that she has noticed an improvement in our relationship and sex life, and my friend said yesterday that I seem happier these days and not so worried about everything. The urges to look at porn still come and go on a daily basis. I will have time periods where it doesn’t cross my mind for days at a time, and then I will have days where it does. But I stay busy, and I am keeping myself honest and clean, and I count that as success.
I am a chronic pot-head, I have been since I was very young. I am a hippie at heart, and have always loved my weed, but it is becoming an issue for me. So I am also trying to control my marijuana usage, and finding that it is actually more difficult than not using porn. I have been noticing since I started rebooting that when I smoke weed, my sex drive is greatly increased. It makes me horny, brings on sexual urges, and makes it harder to control those urges. And it makes sexual fantasies much harder to control as well. Usually when I am high, wife and I will have a lot of sex, but she is on her period at the moment so we have not had any for about a week. Usually she will give me a handjob, which is a great release for me, but it is hard to not drift into more sex fantasy during. I kind of feel like getting high when we are not able to have sex is adding an unnecessary temptation and playing with fire.
I am a construction worker, and I am nearing the end of my 5-year apprenticeship. Next month I have to take my Journeyman's test. I am allowed exactly 30 days to study, and then the test is an open book, 6-hour test that is deceptively difficult to pass. Most people who take it fail the first time, and have to retake it. There are some who pass on the first go, but they are rare. This test is a big deal, so I will be putting everything else on the back burner for the next month, and focus on studying so I can move forward with my career. I am trying to not get high during this period of time, but I have already failed twice in the last week. I need to take that part seriously, so I plan on adding that to my journal entries to keep me focused on maintaining sobriety during my study/testing period. In the past, when circumstances required it, I have quit using for a few weeks, or a few months, or in one case – two years. So I know I can do it, it’s just an inconvenience really. I know I can live without weed, I just need to wrap my head around it.
I have some confusion about sexual fantasies. I used to think they were bad, because early on in my reboot, they were simply a mental re-run of my favorite porn scenes. But as time goes on, and recovery continues, they have not been porn-inspired. I am starting to think that my sexual fantasies are somewhat natural, because they seem to come from my imagination and not necessarily from porn. Ever since I started masturbating as a child, I have always used my imagination, so I believe those fantasies may be a part of my sexual self. My goals in rebooting include eliminating the influence that pornography has had on my brain, and returning to the brain that existed before I became a porn user. I feel that as long as my fantasies originate organically from me, and are not just me replaying porn scenes in my head, then that is probably ok. At any rate, they don’t seem to be going anywhere, and I don’t want to continue to hate something that simply may just be a part of who I am. Is it possible that I am just naturally kinky? That my fantasies are just a part of who I am?
Last edited:
