Battle Journal

Blondie

Respected Member
Congrats, nothing like the taste of victory. 🥊🥊 Yes, the journey's not over (is it ever?), but rejoice today, because that's a great accomplishment.

Glad to hear about all the improvements everyone is seeing. :cool:

Fuck yeah, and fuck porn!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
My approach to this addiction is unorthodox at best. I occasionally will trigger myself on purpose, or allow myself to be triggered (because lets be honest, it happens) in order to learn how to manage those triggers. It is uncomfortable and unpleasant, and some would say that I am playing with fire unnecessarily. But for me, I think this is a necessary part of recovery.

Despite my own personal experience with Reddit, I completely agree with what you say above. Of course in my innocent internet searches for research, or what have you, I'll read posts on Reddit- my only point above is that I was unaware as to the accessibility of porn on there (and the same is true of Twitter? 🤷‍♂️).

But I agree, and in the past I practed what's referred to as ERP (exposure response prevention), where you purposefully expose yourself to stimuli that's related to your unwanted habit/addiction, but without responding to it. This was a major teacher for me back in the day that helped me realize that urges can be outlasted without being responded to. Also, that we are stronger than outside stimuli (the 'dreaded billboard' or whatever). An example: back in the early 90's, I used to obsess over prostitutes (without being a customer), but part of overcoming that was that I don't avoid 'red light districts' as I see that used to disempower me. If a billboard can trigger you, if driving by an adult bookstore triggers you, or a bar (if one drinks too much), then we're telling ourselves that a thing or place is greater than us, and that disempowers us and keeps us in 'recoveryism'.

I actually interact on all kinds of social media platforms both for business and entertainment. So, I don't intend to just feed my appetites toward the wrong things, but I try not to be overly restrictive, as doing so is disempowering. Like yourself, I may not advise someone to try what I mentioned above, but I do encourage folk to empower themselves, and not be at the mercy of so-called 'triggers'.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Yeah man, I really lucked out with this woman. She's hands down the best thing that ever happened to me.

As far as the Reddit thing goes, and the triggering, I feel like I should say this: My approach to this addiction is unorthodox at best. I occasionally will trigger myself on purpose, or allow myself to be triggered (because lets be honest, it happens) in order to learn how to manage those triggers. It is uncomfortable and unpleasant, and some would say that I am playing with fire unnecessarily. But for me, I think this is a necessary part of recovery. We live in a real world where we have almost no control over what we are exposed to, and I need to be able to live in that world without hiding from it. I work construction and am surrounded by an entire union full of degenerates, for lack of a better word. Porn is not only acceptable, but encouraged, and it is not uncommon to have pornographic material texted to me or shared with me at lunch break. Actually, there are even Penthouse calendars on the walls of the workshop, and pictures cut from porno magazines taped to the mirror in the bathroom. These triggering things cannot be removed, only dealt with. I'm not going to quit my job, because I love what I do, and I need to have close relationships with my coworkers in order to do my job well. So the goal, for me, is to be able to be surrounded by triggers on a regular basis and manage them. I have actually seen porn since I started rebooting, and a few times in the past it has caused me to relapse. But I am getting better and better every day at rejecting it when I see it. I find that the more I get comfortable with triggers, the better I am at not letting them control my life. Just because I see some porn does not mean I need to click on it, or watch more of it, or masturbate, or anything . . . it just means I have to say "I don't want this" and remove it from my sight, and then get on with my day.

This is probably not an advisable plan for many people, and I admit, it can make the path really hard. Everyones journey is unique, and therefore their recovery plan should be unique as well. For me, this is the way to freedom.

I quit drinking a 4 years ago, and I can mix a drink for my wife now without any mental turmoil. The reason I can do that, is because I really, truly, don't want it. It took a long time, but I made it. I hope to say the same thing about porn someday.
I understand what you mean. This is my problem, I get frustrated and exhausted with having to avoid so many things. But the thing is, even if I try to avoid them, some triggers sometimes can't be avoided.
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 101

Another day of the journey. I got super stoned and did water changes on my fish tank last night. I slept in a little bit this morning, so I don't have time to post much. Gotta run to work now, and I have an appointment with my therapist tonight.

Fuck porn
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 101

Another day of the journey. I got super stoned and did water changes on my fish tank last night. I slept in a little bit this morning, so I don't have time to post much. Gotta run to work now, and I have an appointment with my therapist tonight.

Fuck porn
That's right, bro! Motherfuck porn! It's garbage, totally not worth it for life. It's good thing you go to therapy, man, I definitely need to go too. I will give this streak one last go and see where I could get with it after that, if things are still fucked, I will definitely look for someone.
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 102

I tested myself yesterday, and it was a really hard test. I was home alone because we had a late start at work, so I went on the computer and typed in the keywords to a porn video that was my favorite from back in the day. I pulled the video on my screen, but I couldn't see anything because the screen was black and just had the triangle that you click to play it. I was right there, all I had to do was click on it. I sat there for a moment, and I noticed how my heart beat got faster, and I started to sweat and get antsy. I decided that this was my moment of truth, where I decide once and for all which path I will take. I exited out of the screen, and then deleted the site from my browsing history. Then I went to work.

Yes, I was triggered, but it passed much quicker than I thought it would. I was back to normal and not thinking about it anymore in less than 2 hours. Sometimes we relapse (which results in days of misery) when all we had to do was wait 2 hours for it to pass. 2 hours is nothing in the timeline of life.

Like I said, my recovery plan is unorthodox at best. I know this was a risky test, but I feel it was necessary. I needed to prove to myself that no matter what happens to trigger me I can stay in control because my triggers do not control me. I feel very empowered by passing this test, because now I know I can do it, I have the proof right here. Being triggered doesn't scare me nearly as much as it used to.

I ended up having a good day at work, and when I got home my wife and I had very nice normal sex. I really enjoyed the feeling of connection to a real live woman who I love. Compared to that, it made porn seem so stupid and empty.

I feel stronger than ever before today, like I could go the rest of my life without porn. There will be other temptations, I'm 100% of this, but I have the proof that I am stronger than porn.

I will not be needing to test myself anymore tho, at least for the time being. That was stressful and unpleasant, and I got the results I was looking for. I don't think it's necessary to do it again.

Fuck porn
 

Skittelz

Active Member
That's right, bro! Motherfuck porn! It's garbage, totally not worth it for life. It's good thing you go to therapy, man, I definitely need to go too. I will give this streak one last go and see where I could get with it after that, if things are still fucked, I will definitely look for someone.
Getting professional help has proven to be one of the most useful tools at my disposal. I strongly advise you not to wait, and get help now. Even if it doesn't pertain to alcohol or porn addiction, a good therapist can help you identify the underlying issues that are driving you back to your addictions.
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Eh, not great to be honest. But not horrible either, it is what it is.

I was reading erotic stories and scrolling through naked pictures of girls, and I don't really even know why. I have been working with some extremely traumatic events from my childhood and I think I pushed myself too far and I cracked from the stress. I haven't been sleeping well, and I'm depressed from the memories from when I was young. Porn doesn't, help, we know this, yet here we are.

I don't know what to call it, it's not quite a relapse, but I have disregarded my own warnings and red flags. I haven't masturbated, or even felt the desire to, and I haven't been binging or watching videos, so not a full relapse. But I am restarting my counter, because I willingly looked at porn and continued to do so after I caught myself.

I was ashamed and embarrassed of myself, so I didn't come here to talk about it. I felt like I failed myself and the community, so out of respect I have stayed away. But this has left me feeling even more isolated, I'm so glad you reached out to me. Thank you. I'm back, today is day 0, tomorrow will be day 1. I'm emotionally wounded, but I'm still in the ring fighting.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @Skittelz, sorry to hear about that man, but you definitely didn't let any of us down, and you really need to know that. No one here has had a "perfect "recovery", simply because a perfect recovery doesn't exist! We all are doing what we can do, the best we can do, where we are at. Some of us have just started, and others have been at this for a good while, none are better than the others, it's just the facts. You definitely don't want to get your ego involved in this because it will love to fuck you up and make you think you got it all figured out, thus, the cycle repeats itself.

The work you're doing is very important, and yes, I would say, heroic. Most men don't want to have anything to do with their past, thus, congrats on facing your shit and all that that entails. Maybe you hit it too hard and maybe you need to reel it back at a little so as not to get too out of control emotionally, there's nothing wrong admitting that. When we're down and feeling depressed, that's when it's hits us the most, so I've learned to be extra careful on those days or weeks.

Always be aware of your red flag behaviors. Write them down, and when you see them, run like hell.

You got this man, don't be too hard on yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are most peoples' recoveries.

Best.
 
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Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi, Skittlez. I know this place, in the wake of exploring past traumas and being down- or depressed because of it. I know this can be important work for our own inner healing, and I try to be in a 'good headspace' to do it. But, this is also not a guarantee that we won't react to it according to how we've worked out those kinds of feelings and stress in the past...

Now is the time to be super-compassionate with yourself and understanding. Keep in front of you all the victories and lengthy time of abstinence you've recently enjoyed. None of that progress is lost. In fact, you're in a better place, because you can now analyze what happened, and emerge from this even wiser and stronger for it.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Hey hey, way to go @Skittelz! Way to pick yourself back up again. I just had a relapse not long ago myself after a hard-won 90+ days, so I know what it's like. So much rests on how you handle moments like this, whether you can just dust yourself off and keep soldiering on.

Because this is where you really have to ask yourself, are you doing this for the long streak, or for the growth & life change? Because if it's really about the latter, then who cares about a measly relapse? The main thing it affects (for me at least) is the ego, the feeling of "look how cool I am with my 90+ day streak." But the real growth stays, even after a setback.
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 5

I feel very tired, but grounded today. I meditated in front of the fish tank this morning, and then went for a short run this morning, about 5 minutes or so. I want to start running again, but I need to start small and take it slow so I don't hurt my back.

Not much else to say.
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Hey hey, way to go @Skittelz! Way to pick yourself back up again. I just had a relapse not long ago myself after a hard-won 90+ days, so I know what it's like. So much rests on how you handle moments like this, whether you can just dust yourself off and keep soldiering on.

Because this is where you really have to ask yourself, are you doing this for the long streak, or for the growth & life change? Because if it's really about the latter, then who cares about a measly relapse? The main thing it affects (for me at least) is the ego, the feeling of "look how cool I am with my 90+ day streak." But the real growth stays, even after a setback.
I agree that the days count doesn't matter, I try to only focus on the progress. And I don't really view this as a setback, or even a relapse really. I strayed from the path, and then picked up where I left off, not all the way back at the beginning. This is just a reset of the counter so that I can be honest with myself.
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 6

I have been backsliding away from good self-care habits for a few months now, and it is starting to take it's toll. I am not doing the things for myself that I know I need to in order to be successful. I need to meditate. I need to stretch and exercise daily. I need to drink plenty of water and eat regularly. I need to reduce my caffeine and marijuana intake.

Basically, I need to put my own needs at the top of my to-do list.

I am trying to walk a better path in life, and that starts with developing a routine. I want to meditate and exercise in the mornings, and get my projects done after work. This time of year the weather is so nice, I definitely should take advantage of it and take the dogs to the park.

I ran again this morning, that's two days in a row. Maybe I'm already making improvements after all.

Stay free fellas
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Sounds like a strong plan, @Skittelz! Physical activity is important, and can vouch for meditation as well. So glad I started taking some time for that.

Take advantage of that nice weather! Where I live it’s been raining for a couple of weeks with no end in sight. If you can spare one nice day, send it over 😄
 
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