Day 3
I was feeling kind of depressed and run-down yesterday, and I had a dentist appointment after work. I've never tried the cold shower thing that everyone is always talking about, but I gave it a try. It sucked, but it worked. I felt better afterwards, and headed to the dentist in a more refreshed and positive mood. I played more music when I got home, and cuddled with my wife for a while too. It was a good evening, and I slept really well.
I feel great today, in a good mood and full of energy. I think I'm gaining back some of my momentum again. I really hate to risk the good mood by talking about some dark stuff, but I feel like I have to.
There are some things from my past that I believe will continue to impede my recovery if I don't address them. It's very painful to talk about, so I don't, but they are a major reason why I hate myself, why I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and why I continue to sabatoge myself.
My wife and I met in our teens, and moved in together right away and began a serious relationship. We loved each other so much, and we still do to this day, almost 20 years later.
I decided that I wanted to get a vasectomy, at age 20, and never have children. Now, I'm not going to go into my reasoning for this decision, because that would take hours of backstory. Just suffice it to say that I had a hellish childhood full of poverty, violence, child abuse, sexual abuse ... the list goes on and on. I believed some truly horrible things about myself and was convinced that if I had a child I would destroy them the way I had been destroyed.
I talked to my mother about getting the operation before I had fully decided on it, and her response completely floored me. She said she understood why I felt that way, and that she sometimes wishes she had done the same thing because if she had, her life would have been better. I was crushed emotionally, and all of a sudden realized that my very existence was a detriment. I believed that I was a waste of life, and that nobody could actually love me. My own mother wished she hadn't given birth to me. I still don't know why she said it that way, but it was too late, and my decision had been cemented in place in my mind.
It gets worse. I got my wife pregnant two weeks before the scheduled date for my surgery. I panicked, as I always do, and my knee-jerk reaction was to get an abortion. So we did. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. They wouldn't let me in the room during the procedure, I had to wait in the car. I was so upset, so infuriated with the situation, so sick inside that I actually wanted to kill myself. So I drove to the closest adult bookstore I could find and thumbed through the magazines and arcade booths. Once I had gotten my fix, I went back to the clinic and picked her up. Then a week later, I got my surgery and sealed my fate.
I immediately regretted everything. I felt like I had killed my baby, mutilated myself, and threw my future in the furnace. I wanted to die, pure and simple. I wasn't able to kill myself, even though I thought about it often. From then on, my life became a slow spiral downwards into drugs, alcohol, pornography, and self destruction.
I tried every drug I could get my hands on, and I would always do insane amounts of them. People around me thought that I just liked to do a high dose, but I knew the truth. I was trying to overdose. I even mixed drugs that I knew were fatal combinations, but goddamn it, I just wouldn't die. I fucking ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it until there was nothing left. I was, and still am, broken on the inside and I don't think I will ever be okay again. I still struggle with thoughts of suicide, and I still hate myself for what I've done. When I look in the mirror, I see a murderer and a coward looking back at me.
My wife has watched me destroy myself, held me while I cried, and stood by me even when I told her to leave. I have no idea why she stayed with me, but I'm so thankful that she did. She is an amazing woman, and I would be dead without her.
I can't even begin to describe the pain I have carried with me for the last 20 years. The pain is so intense sometimes, I can't even carry on the basic functions of life. I try, but I just can't forgive myself, and I don't know if I ever will.
Eventually, I couldn't live like that anymore. Since I apparently couldn't die, I decided that I would try to heal, and maybe even pick up the pieces of my shattered life. My wife and I moved to St Louis, with the goal of getting sober, getting stable jobs, buying a house, and possibly trying to adopt or do foster care. It has been a long, heartbreaking road, but we are almost there.
Fast-forward to the present day.
When I passed my test two weeks ago, I contacted a few adoption agencies, and they sent me the paperwork I needed to fill out in order to proceed. My mind immediately went into panic mode, and the thoughts of inadequacy came back. The belief that I was a bad person and I would fuck up a child returned. The pain and the stress from my past came back like a motherfucker, and then I relapsed.
I still want to adopt a child. I still want to be happy, and have a family. I still love my wife, and we could be great parents ... but I need to get past this. Every time I get close to having a family, my own emotions from the past ruin it all.
Just writing this down is making me feel terrible, so I know the trauma has not healed. I need to remove this poison from my life so I can live. I have been dying but I need to live.
How do I live?
How do I forgive myself?
