So I've been thinking a lot today, and I thought I would take some time to share those thoughts.
My strategy over the last two days has been to find all the websites that get past the porn blocker on my devices, and then block those sites as well. At first, it seemed like a good plan, because I felt like I was being proactive and finding the bad before it found me. Taking the initiative, so to speak.
However, this plan doesn't work very well, for the following reasons:
1. I don't think our brain really differentiates between searching for porn so you can watch it, and searching for porn so you can block it. Either way, you are searching for porn, so it probably activates the same neuro pathways. I have read that the reward porn offers lies in the searching, not in the finding, thus you are rewarding these pathways instead of destroying them. And then, there is the issue of finding it. In the process of rooting it out, you inevitably end up seeing some of it, even if it is only thumbnails for a few seconds. Not to mention the triggering that this brings to the table, which is not fun to deal with, and can lead to a relapse.
2. Trying to rid the internet of porn, or make the internet a "safe" place is a fools errand. The internet is massively huge, and there will always be pornography being posted and there will always be ways around blocking software. I have come to realize that if my goal is to make it so that I am never exposed to porn, then I am setting the stage for an exercise in futility. Plus, by taking the time to try to block all the sites where porn can be found is wasting yet more time on porn that should be spent on more fruitful pursuits.
3. Blocking porn, while helpful, can also become a crutch. Nobody forces my fingers to type in the web addresses, and I am the one who decides if I am going to click on the images. Therefore, the power lies within me. The online world is a lot like the real world: it is full of nice wonderful things, and also dangerous evil things. The entire globe is digital these days, so we can't just "do without" the internet at this point in human history. There is a whole world inside that computer, and we need to learn to navigate around the bad in order to get to the good. As a recovered alcoholic, I like to compare it to alcohol. I know that I am able to go to the grocery store and buy food, but not buy alcohol. Even though it is on the shelf, right in front of me, and even though there are advertisements for alcohol everywhere. So I know that I can learn to go online and retrieve the information I need without looking at porn.
I plan on keeping the porn blocker in place, for now. I have to do whatever works to get the poison out of my system. But at some point, the safety net will have to go. I will have to learn to fly alone someday, and know that I can deal with the perils that come with it. My goal is to get to the point where I learn to deal with porn popping up, and just click away from it. It will always be there, waiting to suck me into the trap, because that's what it does. I can't hide from it, all I can do is learn to fight it. And I plan to learn.
That's all for today