Battle Journal

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 63

Today was ok, I guess. I had too much fun this weekend, and didn't give myself enough time to prepare for the week ahead. I know I smoked too much weed, and I definitely didn't get enough sleep over the weekend, so today I felt kind of sluggish and slowed down. And I was irritable also, but I think that has more to do with a few unsavory personalities that I have to deal with at work. But I can deal with them much better when I have enough sleep, so I guess it's still on me. Oh well, it is what it is.

I really did have a good weekend tho. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed some good times with my wife that I refuse to regret ... so I don't. The truth is simply that I like to party, and sometimes the next day is rough, so what else can I say?

I'm still rolling ahead on the good road, and I made it thru the day. So all good here.

I'll check back in with y'all later, everybody stay clean out there
 

Skittelz

Active Member
You're racking those numbers up Skittelz!

Rock on and fuck porn.
Why thank you, it means a lot. I've been here before, and even farther, but then I fucked it up. Ugh.

But I am pleased with where I am at, and taking a little time to congratulate myself.

That being said ... I'm trying to not get too excited and just focus on my goals. And also trying to remember that this road requires constant vigilance, and complacency can derail the whole thing.

Fuck porn!
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 71

Last weekend was me and wife's anniversary. 19 years ago we started dating, and it's hard for me to believe it has been that long. We were practically children back then, with no idea what we were doing and even less direction, but somehow we made to where we are now. She has officially been a part of my life longer than any other person on the planet. There are certain things that only happen once in a lifetime, and my relationship with her is one of them. This is a closeness that can only be felt after many, many years of being together and witnessing each other at our best and worse moments. To have a person really know you, the true you, and to know them as well is something a lot of people never experience; I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have this in my life. The road has been long, but worth every step of the way. There have been times when we fought and times when we hated each other, but there have also been times when we laughed so much that we cried and times when we were so connected we knew we would never separate. I count her as my best friend, my one true love, and the best decision I ever made. Choosing her is a decision I will make again and again every day until I die.
 
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Skittelz

Active Member
I have more to say for today's entry, but I'm at work so it will have to be broken up into pieces.

We went to a concert for our anniversary, and it was a lot of fun. We did a lot of drugs, something we haven't done since we were young, and it was eye opening for me. We both took a few opiate pills, and split an Adderall before the show. It has been several years since I felt meth and heroin in my system, and it wasn't as much fun as I remember. I guess I must be growing up, because I used to love the stuff. At any rate, we had a good time and enjoyed ourselves while we partied like we were young. We had a good time, but I won't be going back to the drugs anytime soon. I felt like shit the next day, and I can still feel my brain trying to balance out the chemical cocktail I gave it over the weekend. In a way, it was nice to revisit the past and see how far I have come. It's a good to have a reminder every now and then.

My problem with the drugs isn't the comedown or the addiction tho. It's the way they effect the dopamine levels in my head. When you're high, you have so much dopamine that you can't feel the normal levels later, and that sucks.

And that leads to the chaser effect. Yesterday I wasn't able to stay off of my phone, and I started browsing dangerous sites, "circling the bait" if you will. I stopped myself before I went too far, and I caught myself much sooner than last time, and I got back on track sooner also. Thankfully I have a blocker in place on my phone, because in the state of mind I was in yesterday I could have easily fucked up bad. Although I count it as a success being able to recognize the problem and stop it, I truly feel that this dangerous behavior needs to stop. Circling the bait is not wise.

I can see clearly now that when I am fucked up on drugs or hungover from them that I am in the danger zone. I think this situation is the one in which I am most likely to relapse, so I need to be taking it seriously. From here on out, I will be very careful when I do drugs, and have a plan for the comedown.

Like I have said before, control your brain or it will control you.

Fuck porn
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 72

Today is looking like it will be a decent day. My mood is so-so, but as the day progresses I hope it improves.

I read my post from yesterday, as well as a few posts from the past, and I think I may have a drug problem. Not with any particular drug, just drugs in general. It seems like I always have to be on something, and I often write on this forum about feeling like shit because of whatever drug I used the night before. I haven't decided what to do about it yet, but I am taking note of this issue.

At any rate, yesterday went pretty well. I stayed away from dangerous browsing and didn't circle the bait. For some reason, I can go days or weeks without having any thoughts or desires for porn, then all of a sudden the desire will strike. I don't know what causes the ebb & flow of this cycle, but I am at least aware of it so that I can be prepared.

My biggest enemy here is boredom. Idle hands tend to find trouble. When I am bored, I try to avoid my phone. Staying busy works, but only to a point. Boredom is actually R&R in disguise. I need to learn how to be bored without causing problems, and view the downtimes in life as a break from the hustle. To view boredom in a positive light rather than a negative one would be nice, as well as learning to be bored without getting anxious.

Being bored, and being ok with it ... That is my goal for today.

Have a good day everyone
 
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Skittelz

Active Member
Day 73

Yesterday I stayed away from dangerous behavior, and I didn't circle the bait at all. I didn't even have any urges or temptations either.

I've been really moody this entire week. I don't know why, I'm sure the drugs over the weekend had something to do with it, but I have pretty intense mood swings even without the drugs so I really can't say for certain. So I'll just say they contributed to it. But I am feeling better today, and I'll take it.

I did some journaling last night, for my childhood trauma therapy that I am working on. I both like and dislike the activity. It feels good to get things written down, but at the same time it dredges up unpleasant emotions. I write for about an hour, and by the time I finish writing I am usually upset. I go as long as I feel I need to then I give it a break. I see my counselor again today and we will talk about my progress and what the next steps will be.

Today is the best I have felt all week. I hope to squeeze the good out of today, because who knows how I will feel tomorrow
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 74

Yesterday was a good day. No urges, and no circling of the bait. It seems to me that if I stay sober from drugs I don't really have much temptation, and what little bit I may have are easily quieted. I want to learn to control the urges when I do get high tho, because I don't want to cut out the drugs completely. I do like to party.

But no more Adderall for me, lol. It's taken this entire week for my brain chemistry to level back out, I don't need that drama in my life. I think I'll stick with weed and shrooms from here on our

I'm feeling real good today, positive vibes and all that. I have a new plan to put into action, that my therapist and I created to tackle my issues. Like I said before, porn is not the problem by itself, just the visible portion of a much bigger problem. Eliminating porn has merely allowed me to identify the issues and face them head on. If I were to only quit porn and stop there, I would only be dealing with a fraction of the problem. But I'm going all the way with this one, and I have an amazing wife and a good therapist on my team to help me get there.

Today is my last day working for this company. I start back at my old company on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to seeing my old work homies again, and coming back to my home shop.

Fuck porn
 
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Skittelz

Active Member
Day 81

Life is kind of dark right now. I'm trying to face some pretty intense psychological issues, which takes a lot of courage. Courage that I don't feel like I have sometimes, not to mention that delving into my childhood trauma just crushes me inside. The truth is, my mental state broke down a very long time ago, and I am just now trying to pick up the pieces. I have been journaling a lot, crying a lot, and not sleeping for shit. I'm trying to find all of the little pieces of me, that are scattered like shards of broken glass, and my biggest fear is that I'll never be okay again. I want to put aside the anger and resentment that I feel towards my parents for everything that went down in my childhood. I love my mother, but at the same time I hate her. The pain of being caught in-between these two emotions is more than I can deal with some days. She won't be here forever, and I want to have a healthy relationship with her at some point because life is short. But this is hard stuff to work through, and I feel like I am stuck. I have a lot of hatred for myself as well, and horrible ways of expressing it that are harmful to me and the people who love me.

This is what I was burying beneath porn and drugs for so many years. Underneath that pile of filth is a little boy who is neglected, and scared, and angry.

On the plus side, I made it to 81 days, this is the longest streak I have ever achieved. My current situation offers a little bit perspective, because compared to my mental battle, the porn battle seems trivial. It doesn't really cross my mind when I am busy sorting thru all of the emotional baggage I still carry. So fuck porn, I got bigger monsters in my closet to worry about.

I'll get thru this tho, because I always do. I fucking survive everything ... It's a blessing and a curse all wrapped up together. I got this shit.

Deuces, my fellow soldiers. Stay strong
 

Gabe Deem

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Day 81

Life is kind of dark right now. I'm trying to face some pretty intense psychological issues, which takes a lot of courage. Courage that I don't feel like I have sometimes, not to mention that delving into my childhood trauma just crushes me inside. The truth is, my mental state broke down a very long time ago, and I am just now trying to pick up the pieces. I have been journaling a lot, crying a lot, and not sleeping for shit. I'm trying to find all of the little pieces of me, that are scattered like shards of broken glass, and my biggest fear is that I'll never be okay again. I want to put aside the anger and resentment that I feel towards my parents for everything that went down in my childhood. I love my mother, but at the same time I hate her. The pain of being caught in-between these two emotions is more than I can deal with some days. She won't be here forever, and I want to have a healthy relationship with her at some point because life is short. But this is hard stuff to work through, and I feel like I am stuck. I have a lot of hatred for myself as well, and horrible ways of expressing it that are harmful to me and the people who love me.

This is what I was burying beneath porn and drugs for so many years. Underneath that pile of filth is a little boy who is neglected, and scared, and angry.

On the plus side, I made it to 81 days, this is the longest streak I have ever achieved. My current situation offers a little bit perspective, because compared to my mental battle, the porn battle seems trivial. It doesn't really cross my mind when I am busy sorting thru all of the emotional baggage I still carry. So fuck porn, I got bigger monsters in my closet to worry about.

I'll get thru this tho, because I always do. I fucking survive everything ... It's a blessing and a curse all wrapped up together. I got this shit.

Deuces, my fellow soldiers. Stay strong
Hey @Skittelz, just wanted to say I'm proud of you and rooting for you. Most people never muster up the courage to even acknowledge their issues, much less face them. Be kind to yourself. I believe you'll keep finding those pieces one at a time, and eventually come out the other side a more resilient, wise person with peace. That's my hope for you.

Glad you're here. You got this! Much love
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Hey @Skittelz, just wanted to say I'm proud of you and rooting for you. Most people never muster up the courage to even acknowledge their issues, much less face them. Be kind to yourself. I believe you'll keep finding those pieces one at a time, and eventually come out the other side a more resilient, wise person with peace. That's my hope for you.

Glad you're here. You got this! Much love
Gabe, awesome!
Thanks for the reply, that's just the type of encouragement I needed to hear at that very moment.
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 87

I'm still here, just checking in with the community.

I feel much more grounded this last week, I think maybe things are emotionally stabilizing for me. I hope so at least. My emotions are right beneath the surface tho, always there and I think I can feel them stronger than I ever remember feeling them. I've been keeping up with my journals as well, just writing down all the various memories and events surrounding my childhood. It helps me to bring those unresolved and repressed emotions to the surface so that I can feel them like I didn't when the events happened. This is hopefully releasing that bad energy and making room for healthier energies to replace them. I see my therapist today after work to continue working thru the trauma.

Work is going very well, and I am finding more time to do things that I enjoy to make my life more well rounded out. Still slowly working on getting the aquarium set up, and harvesting lots of chili peppers from the garden every day. It takes a lot of time to can and dry them for storage, but it also brings a lot of satisfaction so it's worth it.

The other big thing I am working on is planning a trip for my wife and I to Puerto Rico. I have never planned a trip overseas, so it seems like a complicated process, but it is going to happen. We have worked extremely hard to get to level we are at, and this is going to be our reward. We plan to be world travelers, so this will hopefully be the first of many overseas adventures.

As always, fuck porn.
 

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 89

Here, I am, right on the cusp of 90 days, and I dreamed I was relapsing to porn all night. I was so upset when I woke up, because at first I thought it was real. I don't think I've ever been more happy to wake up and realize it was all a dream!

Today I will be meeting up with one of my closest homies for some bro time. We will be heading out into the woods to scout for deer activity and look for a good spot to hang up our tree stands. I'm quite sure we will end up smoking some weed too, because it's illegal to not be stoned on a nature hike, hahaha. Later on, I have a shitload of banana peppers that need to be canned. The day will finish out with a bonfire with some other friends. I have a good day ahead of me, so I'm going to get off of here and go get after it.

Fuck porn y'all
 
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