I have more to say for today's entry, but I'm at work so it will have to be broken up into pieces.
We went to a concert for our anniversary, and it was a lot of fun. We did a lot of drugs, something we haven't done since we were young, and it was eye opening for me. We both took a few opiate pills, and split an Adderall before the show. It has been several years since I felt meth and heroin in my system, and it wasn't as much fun as I remember. I guess I must be growing up, because I used to love the stuff. At any rate, we had a good time and enjoyed ourselves while we partied like we were young. We had a good time, but I won't be going back to the drugs anytime soon. I felt like shit the next day, and I can still feel my brain trying to balance out the chemical cocktail I gave it over the weekend. In a way, it was nice to revisit the past and see how far I have come. It's a good to have a reminder every now and then.
My problem with the drugs isn't the comedown or the addiction tho. It's the way they effect the dopamine levels in my head. When you're high, you have so much dopamine that you can't feel the normal levels later, and that sucks.
And that leads to the chaser effect. Yesterday I wasn't able to stay off of my phone, and I started browsing dangerous sites, "circling the bait" if you will. I stopped myself before I went too far, and I caught myself much sooner than last time, and I got back on track sooner also. Thankfully I have a blocker in place on my phone, because in the state of mind I was in yesterday I could have easily fucked up bad. Although I count it as a success being able to recognize the problem and stop it, I truly feel that this dangerous behavior needs to stop. Circling the bait is not wise.
I can see clearly now that when I am fucked up on drugs or hungover from them that I am in the danger zone. I think this situation is the one in which I am most likely to relapse, so I need to be taking it seriously. From here on out, I will be very careful when I do drugs, and have a plan for the comedown.
Like I have said before, control your brain or it will control you.
Fuck porn