Finally posting

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Thanks man! I haven't figured this out yet, but unlike some times in the past when I've been in this spot, I feel like I CAN get it.

I know this place. The borderline behaviors, as you said, become themselves habits. Just address them as you would any other behavior that's become habitual in giving us that little dopamine hit. Change your habits that surround your habit, like, where do you put your phone at night? Or, what times do you get online? Do you have purpose on social media, or is it mindless scrolling? If we get on for entertainment, does the time of day matter? Does the content we watch matter, or affect us?

These are just questions for yourself, to get you to become aware of your pattern- like- when is it that this 'borderline' behavior occurs? What precedes it? What moods are you in when it occurs?

These aren't to invite you to pile a bunch of rules on yourself, or to become overly restrictive- which backfires on us- but to become more mindfully aware, and to kind of act in your best interests repetitively enough that your habits literally change.

Best, brother.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Alright, here goes with doing better at journalling.

Working away from home this morning, and started browsing sketchy stuff on YouTube. It's totally a pattern I've had in years past, and I'm counting it as a win today that I pulled back before diving deep. I had just encountered a tiny bit of mild nudity when I did a 180 and made it out of there.

So...what happened? The biggest thing is that my resistance levels have been eroded so much over the last few weeks. I may not have been really looking at porn or binging, but I have been slowly desensitizing myself to the idea of porn. Getting lots of practice at...not really caring? haha. At pushing the boundaries, so that when I was in a vulnerable spot this morning it was a lot easier for me to tip over the edge into unacceptable behaviors.

So what made me vulnerable this morning? I've got ADHD, and mornings of trying to accomplish stuff on my computer are always a tough thing for me. I circle around getting distracted by all kinds of stuff, and eventually get bored with my distractions and try to find more interesting stuff. Hello, porn. 😜 I am working in a semi-public context, which is working in my favour. Doesn't stop me because I know how to be discreet, but it does push me in the direction of a healthy headspace. That's part of what made me able to pull out when I did. I don't think that the right move is to try and control access to YouTube or something....I think what I need to do is tackle the underlying problem. Which is just straight-up procrastination. It's not bad for me to putz around for a while before I start working, in fact it can even help me engage sometimes. BUT I need to have a time limit. Maybe I can start actually setting a timer when I start working, so that I have a concrete deadline for my putzing. And then when it's time to work, the more concrete I can make my tasks the better. To-do lists help, as do specific concrete goals for the work session.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Man, another issue this afternoon. Lying down for a nap, ended up using my phone a bit...got triggered by a comic book cover in my Kindle store and before knew it I was browsing scantily clad cosplayers Google Images and edging for like 20 minutes.

I need to be in red-alert mode right now. So many red flags that something isn't working right now in my approach. My gut says that the issue isn't primarily a practical one ... there isn't just one single context that has been problematic. More like a general erosion of all my defenses.

It's funny, one thing I've always noticed is that my motivation to recover increases the farther I get from porn. It's like porn messes with my ability to even see what the problem is with it. When I've got some distance I can feel the surge of confidence, the sense of freedom, of...life. But in the kind of zone I'm in right now, everything is just murky. I get stuck in this in-between zone where I know I don't want to do porn, but I can't really see the vision of why not. So...I kinda have to have something else to hold onto to keep me going. These forums help, and the streaks I've been having have really helped as well in rekindling that vision of what victory looks like. I need to hold onto that, and if I need some external motivators as a crutch for a while that's ok. Streaks do the trick sometimes, and open conversation with my wife can help as well to give me that extra boost. Even if I can't figure out why to do it for me sometimes I can remember why to do it for her.

Right now, I think one big thing is that I need to just have a zero tolerance policy for any sexual stimulation outside of my wife. I think I kinda need to treat all sexuality outside of my wife as radioactive right now, haha. Might not always be a healthy attitude, but I need it so I can get that distance and gain perspective. I don't need guilt, but I do need a strong reaction away. So when I sense myself drifting into that path, I need to back off RIGHT AWAY. Because that path is the path back to....last year, heh. And the years before that. Those paths are paths that risk losing the wonderful freedom I have been tasting this year.

K, those are my thoughts for now. Would love to hear some thoughts from others too, your support and encouragement really do help so much! :) Thanks guys you rock.

(Oh, and despite all the nuclear-level alerts here, I still did make it to Day 34 today!)
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Right now, I think one big thing is that I need to just have a zero tolerance policy for any sexual stimulation outside of my wife. I think I kinda need to treat all sexuality outside of my wife as radioactive right now, haha.
This sounds like something I would be doing too. After doing those redline behaviors, it can be really hard to see straight again for a time and it's always best to take extreme measures until the situation is extinguished. Go all the way brother!
Those paths are paths that risk losing the wonderful freedom I have been tasting this year.
Write this on your forehead (metaphorically) and remember why you're doing this.

Nice job on day 34. :cool:
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 35

Thanks, @Blondie! Yeah, now is the time to go nuclear, I agree. Not necessarily with practical measures, but with my tolerance levels.

So far so good with that! Not a lot of triggers today, but my mindset does feel a lot healthier.

I really think that this is a turning point, a decisive moment I'll look back on as pivotal. Either I'll see it as the beginning of the end, the start of a long spiral to defeat, or as the moment of resolve that boosted me to new heights.

And you know what, only one of those outcomes sounds acceptable to me. So victory, here I come.
 
Last edited:

Warhawk88

Active Member
I really think that this is a turning point, a decisive moment I'll look back on as pivotal.

Man, I hope this really is that moment for you. These are moments that become the bricks of our character in time. They're moments we can look back on for inspiration in other ventures, and allow us exponential growth in life.

Keep at it brother!
 

Dungalef

Active Member
... Relapsed again. Ashamed to admit it, and it makes it hard to feel hopeful right now tbh. Feels like my best wasn't good enough, and like I'm on a downhill spiral with shrinking streak numbers.

I know I'll get perspective later, but that's where I'm at right now.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
I'll do a postmortem later, but for now...

It's in the past. Which means that as of now, I'm not a porn user. And while this is discouraging and will be a setback for me, it's not the end of the line. I realized that when I was talking about being in a pivotal moment the other day, I was thinking in terms of avoiding a relapse, not in terms of recovery. This incident doesn't mean I chose the other path, the spiral to destruction. I need to avoid the b&w thinking that emphasizes the streak over everything. Because on the one hand, one session of porn use doesn't spell the end. And on the other hand, the substitutes and risky behavior are just as problematic sometimes as things that "count" as a relapse.

So I need to aim for healing, not relapse prevention. And I need to recognize that I'm vulnerable now, more than I have been in a while.

My emphasis right now is not going to be on streak length, but on streak purity if that makes sense. The biggest victory is not a big streak number right now, but another single day with no risky behavior.
 
Last edited:

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear about this @Dungalef, but all you can do is get back up and keep on moving.

Maybe it would be best at this time to count ALL of yours days porn-free up until till this time, combining all your streaks together. This is helpful, because as you rightly pointed out, streaks are great, but it's really the purity and just the bigger picture overall in your recovery that is the most important, especially if you're feeling down at the moment. Counting them up would really show your progress in a holistic sense.

Keep it up, you're doing great!

Best brother
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 1

Feels like a lot more! In a good way, haha. Thanks for the encouragement, @Blondie! You're a legend.

I think altogether I've done at least 200 days this year, which is awesome!

Today was just fine. Sunday is always pretty easy though, because I'm doing family stuff all day, haha. Tomorrow's when the tests begin for real!
 
Top