Finally posting
- Thread starter Dungalef
- Start date
Dungalef
Active Member
Starting off Day 5 now! No real cravings or urges, which is encouraging! Part of that is because of all the Christmas stuff happening, but I think it's also because I've been diligent about potential trigger situations, and I really do want healing more than I want porn right now.
searching4good
Active Member
That's great to hear @Dungalef! Knowing how hard it can be when the urges do come on strong, what a blessing it is to have a few days where it's relatively plain sailing! Hopefully you're able to bank some of this momentum as we head towards another significant milestone in the new year. We've got this.
Dungalef
Active Member
Working at a coffee shop this morning, found myself browsing FB in unhealthy ways, borderline porn substitutes. Not very bad, partly because it was a public place, but I'm learning from our. I think I have 2 contexts lately that have been the "gateway" problems that have led to porn use later. One of them has been my phone use, which I have been addressing, but the other is times like this morning when I'm on my computer away from home.
Just means I'm more aware of another context to be diligent in!
Just means I'm more aware of another context to be diligent in!
searching4good
Active Member
Dungalef
Active Member
Thanks man! Not too bad the last couple of days, but I did just have a bit of trouble today. It was the classic context where there has been trouble in the past and I just wasn't thinking clearly. Didn't spend too long and pulled back before I got to far though. Just gonna keep pressing on.
searching4good
Active Member
Good job staying accountable to yourself @Dungalef and for pulling back before going over the edge. That's something to recognise and give yourself a pat on the back for. My own experience is that I need to stay extra vigilant after one of these episodes, as 'that' part of my brain craves another hit.
Hopefully you're able to dig deep and get through today. One day at a time, we can do this.
Hopefully you're able to dig deep and get through today. One day at a time, we can do this.
searching4good
Active Member
Dungalef
Active Member
Hey @searching4good, thanks so much for continuing to check in. 
I'm hanging in there. Don't feel like I'm acing it, but I haven't been doing too bad either. On Day 5 or so, with some minor issues here and there.
I feel like there are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around inside myself about all of this, and it's really hard to pin it all down. There's no way I'll be able to capture it all in this post, but even just seeing you checking in on me earlier got the thoughts churning in a (I believe) healthy way, so thanks.
I've been feeling lots of things, some good, some bad, about my recovery these days, but mostly just feeling confused and like I couldn't figure out what I was doing, or what I should be doing, or how I should be feeling. As I examined those thoughts earlier this evening and probed them, I discovered that I think there might be something more going on under the surface that I hadn't really been letting myself acknowledge. I haven't been doing too badly in recovery lately, but it also hasn't been perfect. I've had the odd slipup in the last couple of months, and even the clean times haven't been 'squeaky clean' if you know the sort of thing I mean.
The thing that complicates things is, I'm moving in just over a month with my family, really getting going in our work with the Christian organization that we're associated with. They do have standards of conduct, and I've been open about my struggles from the start. They've been supportive of me and encouraging in my progress towards recovery, but I feel a ton of internal tension and dissonance about the fact that things haven't been quite as good lately as they were through most of this year. Like, as of November 1 I could honestly say that porn was basically behind me, but it's hard to feel that way right now.
Man, as I type all that suddenly it seems so obvious that it's emotionally super complicated for me right now, heh. In general I've just tried to focus on being the best me I can be, doing what I need to do to be healthy and trying to be honest about where I'm at. Lately it's the honest part that's been hard for me. Honest with myself, that is. I've had a hard time really being honest with myself and looking clearly to see where I'm at and what I'm struggling with, because in the back of my mind the whole time I'm worried that if what I find is that I'm in a bad place right now, then I won't in good conscience be able to keep quiet about that. I'll have to talk about it with my supervisors, and see what they say. And what if they don't feel comfortable with us going forward right now, and want me to take some more time to focus on recovery? That's super terrifying because of how much we've invested in this move, and especially because of how hard I think it would be for my wife.
Blech, this is all so tough. And scary. I still don't know where I'm at with everything. In the meantime, I just want to focus on doing the best I can in my recovery, and part of that means being honest with myself, like I've forced myself to be in this post. One day at a time, and whatever happens it'll all be ok. Honestly if it weren't for my wife, it would be a lot easier for me to just be all "que sera sera" about this. But last year we had some major relational tensions about all this, and while that's gotten way better lately I'm kinda scared that it'll all explode again and that sounds super painful.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. A piece of it, anyway. A messy, complicated piece of it. Thanks everyone for all our kindness, care, and support.
I'm hanging in there. Don't feel like I'm acing it, but I haven't been doing too bad either. On Day 5 or so, with some minor issues here and there.I feel like there are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around inside myself about all of this, and it's really hard to pin it all down. There's no way I'll be able to capture it all in this post, but even just seeing you checking in on me earlier got the thoughts churning in a (I believe) healthy way, so thanks.
I've been feeling lots of things, some good, some bad, about my recovery these days, but mostly just feeling confused and like I couldn't figure out what I was doing, or what I should be doing, or how I should be feeling. As I examined those thoughts earlier this evening and probed them, I discovered that I think there might be something more going on under the surface that I hadn't really been letting myself acknowledge. I haven't been doing too badly in recovery lately, but it also hasn't been perfect. I've had the odd slipup in the last couple of months, and even the clean times haven't been 'squeaky clean' if you know the sort of thing I mean.
The thing that complicates things is, I'm moving in just over a month with my family, really getting going in our work with the Christian organization that we're associated with. They do have standards of conduct, and I've been open about my struggles from the start. They've been supportive of me and encouraging in my progress towards recovery, but I feel a ton of internal tension and dissonance about the fact that things haven't been quite as good lately as they were through most of this year. Like, as of November 1 I could honestly say that porn was basically behind me, but it's hard to feel that way right now.
Man, as I type all that suddenly it seems so obvious that it's emotionally super complicated for me right now, heh. In general I've just tried to focus on being the best me I can be, doing what I need to do to be healthy and trying to be honest about where I'm at. Lately it's the honest part that's been hard for me. Honest with myself, that is. I've had a hard time really being honest with myself and looking clearly to see where I'm at and what I'm struggling with, because in the back of my mind the whole time I'm worried that if what I find is that I'm in a bad place right now, then I won't in good conscience be able to keep quiet about that. I'll have to talk about it with my supervisors, and see what they say. And what if they don't feel comfortable with us going forward right now, and want me to take some more time to focus on recovery? That's super terrifying because of how much we've invested in this move, and especially because of how hard I think it would be for my wife.
Blech, this is all so tough. And scary. I still don't know where I'm at with everything. In the meantime, I just want to focus on doing the best I can in my recovery, and part of that means being honest with myself, like I've forced myself to be in this post. One day at a time, and whatever happens it'll all be ok. Honestly if it weren't for my wife, it would be a lot easier for me to just be all "que sera sera" about this. But last year we had some major relational tensions about all this, and while that's gotten way better lately I'm kinda scared that it'll all explode again and that sounds super painful.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. A piece of it, anyway. A messy, complicated piece of it. Thanks everyone for all our kindness, care, and support.
searching4good
Active Member
mohammed __78
New Member
Day 4,I have a dream of giving up the porn and being able to do it. It's true that it's hard, but I always tell myself that you can overcome that priceless thing and to be normal in terms of the mind and body ,yes men, we can do it, never give upDay 3, I suppose? Doing well. Lots going on, and I've been super tired, but haven't had any urges or anything.
searching4good
Active Member
Dungalef
Active Member
Yes, let's do it @searching4good! It's been really neat to me the way you've taken my suggestion seriously to check in on each other and do this together. Thanks for the companionship in this struggle!
Today is Day 5 for me now, and I'm going strong. No issues at all, and I've been talking about everything with my wife way more which is so healthy and so helpful. Asking her to check in on me when I know a tough time is coming, etc. Somehow just the touching base with her grounds me and keeps me connected with the fight. I find myself wanting to avoid triggers, because I don't want to slip, rather than trying to avoid stuff because I feel like I ought to even though I don't want to.
Today is Day 5 for me now, and I'm going strong. No issues at all, and I've been talking about everything with my wife way more which is so healthy and so helpful. Asking her to check in on me when I know a tough time is coming, etc. Somehow just the touching base with her grounds me and keeps me connected with the fight. I find myself wanting to avoid triggers, because I don't want to slip, rather than trying to avoid stuff because I feel like I ought to even though I don't want to.
searching4good
Active Member
Right back at you @Dungalef - even though it hasn't exactly been smooth sailing for either of us since that moment, it's massively helped to have you riding shotgun with me, implicitly encouraging me to get back up when needed.
It sounds like it's been a good couple of days for you too and you're putting some healthy structures in place. Have everything crossed that you're able to keep on moving towards a better space. You've got this!
It sounds like it's been a good couple of days for you too and you're putting some healthy structures in place. Have everything crossed that you're able to keep on moving towards a better space. You've got this!