Finally posting
- Thread starter Dungalef
- Start date
Dungalef
Active Member
Day 7
Alright! Feeling proud to make it this far.
No big issues this week either, aside from the occasional moment of slight temptation. Gonna set up some filtering software soon for extra measures. Feels good to do that proactively rather than reactively, feels healthier and more likely to actually help. Next goal, 2 weeks!
Alright! Feeling proud to make it this far.
No big issues this week either, aside from the occasional moment of slight temptation. Gonna set up some filtering software soon for extra measures. Feels good to do that proactively rather than reactively, feels healthier and more likely to actually help. Next goal, 2 weeks!achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Congratulations on three weeks! 
I can very much relate to the search of replacements you’re going through and you have to say “No!”. I had the Wikipedia app without restrictions on my phone and even there you can find explicit content. Our own addicted brain tricks us into all kinds of “That’s not porn, take a short look at it and feel the relief!”-situations.
And as you hesitate about restrictions: Maybe more restrictions will help you in the beginning as building a streak is like planting a tree: With more time and growth comes more resistance, but the first weeks are just about survival.
Keep going, you’re ready to be free!
I can very much relate to the search of replacements you’re going through and you have to say “No!”. I had the Wikipedia app without restrictions on my phone and even there you can find explicit content. Our own addicted brain tricks us into all kinds of “That’s not porn, take a short look at it and feel the relief!”-situations.
And as you hesitate about restrictions: Maybe more restrictions will help you in the beginning as building a streak is like planting a tree: With more time and growth comes more resistance, but the first weeks are just about survival.
Keep going, you’re ready to be free!
Dungalef
Active Member
Day 3
At about 25 days or so I had a minor relapse, then another larger one the following day...since then I've been struggling to string together a streak. Earlier this week I was starting to have stuff coming up every day. Then I had an evening where I dug down deep into myself and was honest with my emotions, allowed myself to look at what feelings and thoughts I've been running away from. Running away through porn sometimes, but more so with business and stuff. Getting new stuff, reading interesting books, watching TV, etc. etc. Just novelty and new stuff. Not bad, but I was seeing how I was drowning negative feelings with it.
Anyway, dug down and found a few things I was burying. Realized I've been feeling a bit duplicitous because I've been having porn struggles again without coming clean to the organization I work for which has a code of conduct. Also been feeling tension about how to navigate that because I don't want to be legalistic either. It felt good to even just face those feelings and verbalize them to myself, and wrestle with how to handle it. Decided that what I should do was to see how the next bit here goes, and if I don't make a comeback right away then I will a) find a way to get therapy again, and b) let my supervisors know that I am doing so. So far my struggles have been relatively minor and I'm not feeling to bad about not disclosing stuff, but I don't want to let things spiral. Feels good to be honest with myself and make a plan.
Since then I've been able to find a reserve inside of myself. A couple of reasons for this, I think. For one, I had been numbing all the negative feelings that are the very reason I want to quit. So porn didn't feel like a huge deal and I wasn't motivated to quit, because I wasn't really letting myself face up to the consequences of it. For another thing, as I'm facing my fears and anxieties, I have less reason to run to porn. Not as much stuff to numb.
That's not the only feeling I've been wrestling with either, another big one has been a feeling of inadequacy at work. My lack of organization feels like it has been leaving me unable to latch onto projects and really get stuff done, and I feel like I'm really not measuring up to my potential. I believe that a lot of this is because of recent transitions, and I probably just need to give it time (and wait for my proper new supervisor to come back from her leave), so rationally it's just a matter of waiting. The emotions had a hard time seeing that though, and needed to be given space.
Long story short, I think I'm digging deep and finding a better version of myself to be. And thankfully, that better version doesn't need porn.
At about 25 days or so I had a minor relapse, then another larger one the following day...since then I've been struggling to string together a streak. Earlier this week I was starting to have stuff coming up every day. Then I had an evening where I dug down deep into myself and was honest with my emotions, allowed myself to look at what feelings and thoughts I've been running away from. Running away through porn sometimes, but more so with business and stuff. Getting new stuff, reading interesting books, watching TV, etc. etc. Just novelty and new stuff. Not bad, but I was seeing how I was drowning negative feelings with it.
Anyway, dug down and found a few things I was burying. Realized I've been feeling a bit duplicitous because I've been having porn struggles again without coming clean to the organization I work for which has a code of conduct. Also been feeling tension about how to navigate that because I don't want to be legalistic either. It felt good to even just face those feelings and verbalize them to myself, and wrestle with how to handle it. Decided that what I should do was to see how the next bit here goes, and if I don't make a comeback right away then I will a) find a way to get therapy again, and b) let my supervisors know that I am doing so. So far my struggles have been relatively minor and I'm not feeling to bad about not disclosing stuff, but I don't want to let things spiral. Feels good to be honest with myself and make a plan.
Since then I've been able to find a reserve inside of myself. A couple of reasons for this, I think. For one, I had been numbing all the negative feelings that are the very reason I want to quit. So porn didn't feel like a huge deal and I wasn't motivated to quit, because I wasn't really letting myself face up to the consequences of it. For another thing, as I'm facing my fears and anxieties, I have less reason to run to porn. Not as much stuff to numb.
That's not the only feeling I've been wrestling with either, another big one has been a feeling of inadequacy at work. My lack of organization feels like it has been leaving me unable to latch onto projects and really get stuff done, and I feel like I'm really not measuring up to my potential. I believe that a lot of this is because of recent transitions, and I probably just need to give it time (and wait for my proper new supervisor to come back from her leave), so rationally it's just a matter of waiting. The emotions had a hard time seeing that though, and needed to be given space.
Long story short, I think I'm digging deep and finding a better version of myself to be. And thankfully, that better version doesn't need porn.