Man, another issue this afternoon. Lying down for a nap, ended up using my phone a bit...got triggered by a comic book cover in my Kindle store and before knew it I was browsing scantily clad cosplayers Google Images and edging for like 20 minutes.
I need to be in red-alert mode right now. So many red flags that something isn't working right now in my approach. My gut says that the issue isn't primarily a practical one ... there isn't just one single context that has been problematic. More like a general erosion of all my defenses.
It's funny, one thing I've always noticed is that my motivation to recover increases the farther I get from porn. It's like porn messes with my ability to even see what the problem is with it. When I've got some distance I can feel the surge of confidence, the sense of freedom, of...life. But in the kind of zone I'm in right now, everything is just murky. I get stuck in this in-between zone where I
know I don't want to do porn, but I can't really see the vision of why
not. So...I kinda have to have something else to hold onto to keep me going. These forums help, and the streaks I've been having have really helped as well in rekindling that vision of what victory looks like. I need to hold onto that, and if I need some external motivators as a crutch for a while that's ok. Streaks do the trick sometimes, and open conversation with my wife can help as well to give me that extra boost. Even if I can't figure out why to do it for
me sometimes I can remember why to do it for
her.
Right now, I think one big thing is that I need to just have a
zero tolerance policy for
any sexual stimulation outside of my wife. I think I kinda need to treat all sexuality outside of my wife as radioactive right now, haha. Might not
always be a healthy attitude, but I need it so I can get that distance and gain perspective. I don't need guilt, but I do need a strong reaction away. So when I sense myself drifting into that path, I need to back off RIGHT AWAY. Because that path is the path back to....last year, heh. And the years before that. Those paths are paths that risk losing the wonderful freedom I have been tasting this year.
K, those are my thoughts for now. Would love to hear some thoughts from others too, your support and encouragement really do help so much!
Thanks guys you rock.
(Oh, and despite all the nuclear-level alerts here, I still
did make it to
Day 34 today!)