Finally sick and tired of being sick and tired

I wanna post again about something I deleted this morning. @Blondie commented after I took it down. I feel like all of us see something during our reboots that try to make us think we relapsed so that we will use it to justify having a full blown relapse because "Hey I might as well right? I just saw this picture or this movie scene or this ad."
For me, it's always scenes in shows or movies. Makeout/ love scenes, or girls wearing things in commercials that make me wanna not look away. I watch a lot of bar rescue for example, and sometimes some of the girls on there are dressed in a way to get my head to turn. In these moments, my old self, my addicted brain tries to make a comeback. He wants to come back out for an encore. He wants to have a freebird moment type of singalong. For a long time, I was very unkind to myself. I worried myself to death thinking I failed. Constantly thinking I relapsed because I saw something in a show or online. I've since come to the conclusion, that I can't ignore and avoid those things in life. At some point, I'll be in a movie theater and a scene will come on and I'm gonna have to sit there. At some point, an ad will pop up and I'm gonna have to see it in order to click away. In those moments, I give myself grace. I remember and remind myself that I'm a different person now. I no longer use porn. I'm trying daily to be kinder to myself. I hope someone who needs to see this will get something out of it. Be kind to yourself during recovery. Your future self will thank you. Above all, love yourself.
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Can't believe it's been almost 50 days since I last viewed porn. I'm so proud of myself, and the growth that I have experienced in the last 47 days. However, I wanna go to the next level. The next level for me is 150 days on hard mode. I've always wanted to get there, but I've always fallen short. But not this time. I'm committing to 150 days hard mode starting tomorrow. No more excuses. Thank you @Blondie @Ezel @Recovery Will Come @downhillfromhere @IamTrying @Beautiful1973 & @Gabe Deem for continuing to inspire me daily. My recovery story continues to be written with every porn free day.
Proud of you, brother.


Day 24. No Porn till now. So much stress in holding me back. Sometimes I start to wonder if it is worth it. Can't I just enjoy myself without hurting anyone in the world? Can I at least see the American Pi movie? I actually started the movie and then switched off within a minute and started typing here. Writing out my emotions in this space does help.