Had another minor slip on the 9th. Not a binge or a big relapse. But it was a slip. Back on the path now and focusing on being better. However, dealing with anxiety and a strange lack of urges.How are we doing freedom, you good bro??!
Welcome back partner, it's been a while. What matters most is that you joined us, forget about the past, just learn from it. I think that's the only way we can use it. I can relate to all of what you have said, porn can really be a pain in the azz, just when you start to think that you got out of that swamp, a filthy hand reaches out to you and grabs you back in. The important thing is just to keep pushing, and no Matter how many time you fall down remember to get back up.Hey everyone, sorry for the delay in activity from me. The last week has been quite the situation. Sad and embarrassed to say that I've had a few binge sessions. PMOd 3 or 4 times a day. My ability to say no was gone and the addicted part of my brain took over. The worst one was the other morning, I woke up and immediately thought of P and watched it before 10am. That's absolutely irresponsible and a clear sign of my addiction struggle. I then ended up watching it again 2 or 3 times that day. Not proud to admit any of this. My last slip was on the 9th at about 2am or so. Since then I've been clean. Obviously it's only 2 days, and so it's not much. I told my two closest friends about my binges and they both were very caring and understanding. Both want to help, and it means a lot. On the day of the 9th, I spent the day watching videos from Noah Church and Gabe Deem, as well as Gary Wilson. I also read the your brain on porn site and sent some info to my friend who isn't really up to date on all of this. Truly I feel like I've hit a wall. Rock bottom on this journey. I'm at that crossroads that I've often heard people talk about who struggle with addiction. I can either choose rebooting and rewiring or I can choose eventual PIED and a life where I feel numb, unhappy and anxious all the time. I choose to go down the road that in 2019 gave me life. It gave me 113 days clean and I felt so great. I felt free and so many things felt alive again. Only place to go now is forward and up. PMO isn't an option anymore for me. I can't go back to how I was last week. I can't slip anymore like I did on the 9th. Even if it was just a few minutes. So far, I've felt anxious, tired, sluggish. I've had no huge urge or desire to watch. The other night I was on my phone late because I couldn't sleep and my mind tried so hard to convince me that I watched p and wanted me to relapse. When I knew without a doubt that I hadn't. It was the most anxious moment I've had In a good while. Today I just feel tired and a bit anxious. No drive or energy. No love of life. I'm just eh. But I can't go back. I can't be how I was and I won't. If I gotta feel like a bag of garbage for a few days or weeks then it's worth it. Never again, guys. I just wanna reboot.
Man @Ezel thank you for that. I think I'm in a flatline because I have no desire at all for anything sexual but I also just have no energy today. I feel drained. I know you said once that you have had flatlines early in your reboots.Welcome back partner, it's been a while. What matters most is that you joined us, forget about the past, just learn from it. I think that's the only way we can use it. I can relate to all of what you have said, porn can really be a pain in the azz, just when you start to think that you got out of that swamp, a filthy hand reaches out to you and grabs you back in. The important thing is just to keep pushing, and no Matter how many time you fall down remember to get back up.
The Dogs May Bark But the Caravan Moves on.
Yeah man, flatlines are part of the process.Man @Ezel thank you for that. I think I'm in a flatline because I have no desire at all for anything sexual but I also just have no energy today. I feel drained. I know you said once that you have had flatlines early in your reboots.
Thank you for this.my advice to you is to get a blocking software, and completely eliminate PMO and any related fantasies. it is very difficult to resist urges that come from addiction related brain changes like P addiction, primarily the deficiency in the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for self control). once you get a head start and this part of the brain recovers a bit, resisting the urges becomes easier. This is why you are constantly failing, your PFC is too weak at the moment. It takes time for the PFC to recover before you are even able to say “no” at all so removing even the option of PMOF becomes very important, hence the blocking software. I use Covenant Eyes, details in my signature.
Im almost 90 days clean, which is the longest by far i have ever gone PMO free since becoming addicted over a decade ago. The key is you need to be accountable. i have a great accountability partner and we can see each others search history every day.
your brain will usually balance itself out with enough time. keep coming to the forums for support and soon you will become re-sensitized to normal stimuli. together, we can all get our boners back. feel free to message me if you want more details etc.
I appreciate it. Going one day at a time. Not setting huge goals this time around. Also my support system and accountability has gotten stronger. Last night was such a confidence boost for me. I couldn't rationalize it anymore. I didn't want to click it and I didn't. Maybe I finally got sick of it or realized that it's not gonna serve me anything positive.Thats great buddy, keep up the great work!