Finally sick and tired of being sick and tired
- Thread starter Taylor11
- Start date
Not sure what day i am on, because I'm not counting them. I think what's holding me back is I'm not changing or growing as a person. I hold myself back, when I want to grow. I've always felt that in order to beat any addiction, you have to be willing to change your life and how you deal with everything day to day. I keep taking shots at quitting pmo, while continuing to stay in park. I know in my head and heart the ways I want to change, but I've never actually taken the jump to put those things into action. The last few days, I've not thought about pmo at all. I've not counted days or stressed about anything concerning recovery. I think I put rebooting on a pedestal and I make it the only thing in life worth doing. I make it a huge thing, while giving myself unrealistic and unfair numbers and milestones to hit instead of taking it one day at a time and trying to be better than I was the day before. I've read enough success stories to know that if I stay away from pmo my brain will heal itself eventually. That's not difficult to understand, but I think I've made it difficult on myself. More difficult than it has to be. In 2019, when I quit for 113 days, I just quit without knowing anything about rebooting or my brain being plastic or any of that. I knew quitting was the right thing to do, but I didn't obsess over it. I focused on being a good friend and a good person. I counted days, but I wasn't obsessed over it. Gonna take it easier this time around. The last few days have been good and I'm thankful to know all that I just described. I appreciate everyone on here and all of your support. I feel like I've matured in this area a bit. At least hopefully. Gonna workout tonight and I am looking forward to it. Will update Saturday night.
Blondie
Respected Member
I like your plan @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11. I strongly believe whatever works for you is what you should do.
And you're right about the reboot matter. It goes without saying the reboot is important, but if you're not working on yourself during the process, it will be very easy to fall back into the habit if you continue to do the things you've always done.
Best brother.
You got this
And you're right about the reboot matter. It goes without saying the reboot is important, but if you're not working on yourself during the process, it will be very easy to fall back into the habit if you continue to do the things you've always done.
Best brother.
You got this
Had a bit of MW this morning but nothing to write home to mother about. Lol. Had a dream last night that I actually had a wet dream but I didn't. Some anxiety today, but pushing through it. Not letting it get me again. I truly feel like not worrying about my progress and not obsessing over my recovery is helping me so much. I'm trying to look at it as a mental game and I plan to win it finally. Heard a bad joke last night, and had a moment of fantasy, but I snapped out of it quickly. Remembering that old habits sometimes die hard and need some time to be reversed. Not even a week into this yet, so all is good. Hope you all have a good weekend.
Last night was a victory. I had an urge and it began to build and right before I was about to give in, I said no. I got through last night pmo free. I've learned that it's my impulsiveness that causes a lot of my relapses. The urge builds and causes so much anxiety in me and I just give in to relieve it, instead of thinking about it. My chest gets heavy and it's uncomfortable. But last night, I controlled my mind and my impulse towards porn. The difference in 2019, and all of my other attempts, is that in 2019 I wanted to be free so badly that no urge or impulse was gonna break me. I got to 113 days clean because of that mindset. I think all my failures and setbacks since then have caused me to lose that mindset and that desire to be clean of pmo. This journal is full of so much failure, and I hate that. But I also know if I succeed, one day it may help someone like me who comes here looking for help. Today is a new day. A fresh start so to speak. Last night was a really big step in me knowing that I can do this longterm without fearing failure.
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Woke up with a bad headache. I've been in a flatline for about the last 3 days or so. No MW and only one significant urge to pmo. Last night i felt like I may have had some libido but it wasn't anything huge. I'm always thankful because my flatlines always seem to occur early into my reboot attempts. No drive at all really but it's all good. Focusing heavily on being better. Working out and throwing myself into my love of history. Books, people and events. I've gotten away from that in years past because of my struggles with pmo. Really feeling the pull to get back into it. Also I have realized that I don't have to stay in situations or relationships where I don't feel satisfied or appreciated. I don't have to give those people effort and exhaust myself. Really freeing to learn that. I don't have to be a jerk, but I don't have to be a doormat either. Hope you all have an amazing pmo free Sunday.
Today was the hardest day I've had since June 2019. Flatline symptoms slapped me right in the face. Emotional, no MW, very little libido, fatigue and earlier I had a moment of frustration and very little to no motivation. I was texting a friend earlier today, and I got about 60% hard. She and I talk fairly regularly, so I thought I was gonna have a good day. Lol. Boy was I in for it. My penis died a quick death after that and now feels completely gone and lifeless.
However, all is not lost on today. In between My chores today I was on here reading success stories. I saw so much hope today, one guy quit pmo in his 60s and fully recovered and has been clean for 5 years. That one stuck out to me the most. My mind tried to drum up some p fantasy today but my mind couldn't even go all the way there. My anxiety was also kinda bad today. My mind loves being my enemy. Heck I've been my own worst enemy along with my mind since 2019. But today I didn't listen to the anxiety, nor the very little fantasy that my broken brain was able to drum up. I stayed clean today of pmo. Today was awful, but I read so many hopeful stories and I know I can recover if I keep doing what I'm doing. Everything I feel today will one day soon be replaced by a feeling a accomplishment and freedom. I just gotta go get it. Love you all. In week 2 now of the reboot. No huge urges or anything. Only have had 1 big urge to watch p around day 3 or 4. Hope everyone has a great evening.
However, all is not lost on today. In between My chores today I was on here reading success stories. I saw so much hope today, one guy quit pmo in his 60s and fully recovered and has been clean for 5 years. That one stuck out to me the most. My mind tried to drum up some p fantasy today but my mind couldn't even go all the way there. My anxiety was also kinda bad today. My mind loves being my enemy. Heck I've been my own worst enemy along with my mind since 2019. But today I didn't listen to the anxiety, nor the very little fantasy that my broken brain was able to drum up. I stayed clean today of pmo. Today was awful, but I read so many hopeful stories and I know I can recover if I keep doing what I'm doing. Everything I feel today will one day soon be replaced by a feeling a accomplishment and freedom. I just gotta go get it. Love you all. In week 2 now of the reboot. No huge urges or anything. Only have had 1 big urge to watch p around day 3 or 4. Hope everyone has a great evening.
Blondie
Respected Member
I'm trying man. Giving it all I've got.
Day 9 of hard mode
Today was much much better than yesterday was. Had about 30-40% MW this morning so that's encouraging. Still dead down there though. No big flatline symptoms today. Worked out and just went through the day like normal. Had a really good feeling of peace today and some good energy. Looking forward to the next few weeks.
Today was much much better than yesterday was. Had about 30-40% MW this morning so that's encouraging. Still dead down there though. No big flatline symptoms today. Worked out and just went through the day like normal. Had a really good feeling of peace today and some good energy. Looking forward to the next few weeks.
Day 10 hard mode
So much energy today and so much motivation. Mentally, I have a crystal clear mind and my anxiety and stress are very very low. Woke up with good MW this morning but it died and is now very small and lifeless. Not worrying about it though, because I know I'm on the right track. Workout was good and I crushed my chores. I have plans for this evening and I'm looking forward to them. Such a good day so far. I feel so good. This is just a sample of what I will feel if I stick with it. Keeping that in mind.
So much energy today and so much motivation. Mentally, I have a crystal clear mind and my anxiety and stress are very very low. Woke up with good MW this morning but it died and is now very small and lifeless. Not worrying about it though, because I know I'm on the right track. Workout was good and I crushed my chores. I have plans for this evening and I'm looking forward to them. Such a good day so far. I feel so good. This is just a sample of what I will feel if I stick with it. Keeping that in mind.
Had some fantasy tonight about a girl I used to know and kinda like. Immediately, anxiety and fear filled my head. Just another moment of my brain being my enemy and trying to trick me into going back to the screen. It's not gonna work. It's the first actual fantasy I've had since I started, and it wasn't anything terrible. Definitely not P fantasy. Just annoying how our brains grab onto anything to cause us discomfort to try and get us to go back to the P. Not this time my friend. Not this night. I'll get through this pain and wake up tomorrow proud that I did.
Day 11 hard mode
Made it through last night without a relapse. I'm so proud of myself. This is the 2nd time in 11 days, that I've had major anxiety around the reboot and my mind tried to convince me to relapse. My biggest relapse struggle was my mind and my impulse control. The discomfort and stress that an urge or anxious moment would cause would throw any opportunity to fight for myself out the window. I would crumble so quickly because "Hey you already saw or did or had a fantasy about that so you might as well just watch it and start over. Hey man, it's only 11 days you can make that back up in no time. You already ruined your recovery anyway." Those excuses are sharp and when you're in the middle of an urge or stressful situation, your willingness to not give those lies any room in your mind goes down significantly. I'm just really really proud of myself today. So good to wake up pmo free. No MW, but my penis seems not dead today. It seems a bit more alive. Hopefully soon I'll be out of my flatline. Have an amazing day.
Made it through last night without a relapse. I'm so proud of myself. This is the 2nd time in 11 days, that I've had major anxiety around the reboot and my mind tried to convince me to relapse. My biggest relapse struggle was my mind and my impulse control. The discomfort and stress that an urge or anxious moment would cause would throw any opportunity to fight for myself out the window. I would crumble so quickly because "Hey you already saw or did or had a fantasy about that so you might as well just watch it and start over. Hey man, it's only 11 days you can make that back up in no time. You already ruined your recovery anyway." Those excuses are sharp and when you're in the middle of an urge or stressful situation, your willingness to not give those lies any room in your mind goes down significantly. I'm just really really proud of myself today. So good to wake up pmo free. No MW, but my penis seems not dead today. It seems a bit more alive. Hopefully soon I'll be out of my flatline. Have an amazing day.
Thank you so much!
Day 12 hard mode.
Still going strong. Still in the flatline. It's like it's taunting me because I'll feel great one minute and think I have some libido and then boom it dies and I'm sad again. Lol. It'll fix itself in time. Workouts have been going well and my re-dive back into what I love is going well also. I've also realized, how easy it is to stay on here for hours reading success stories and comparing myself and my situation to others. Whether they recovered quickly or in a long span of time. Remembering though that all brains are different and we all have different levels in which we have been affected by this issue. We all heal differently and at a different speed. Gonna try to not read as much until I get to at least 90 days, because then i won't be able to live normally. I'll just be here when I could be out doing something else. Really gonna focus on making this a part of my lifestyle and my every day normalcy, instead of a "challenge". Mentally I'm good, but this continues to test my mental muscles and I'm proud to say, they've gotten stronger. Everyone have a great weekend. Keep it pmo free.
Still going strong. Still in the flatline. It's like it's taunting me because I'll feel great one minute and think I have some libido and then boom it dies and I'm sad again. Lol. It'll fix itself in time. Workouts have been going well and my re-dive back into what I love is going well also. I've also realized, how easy it is to stay on here for hours reading success stories and comparing myself and my situation to others. Whether they recovered quickly or in a long span of time. Remembering though that all brains are different and we all have different levels in which we have been affected by this issue. We all heal differently and at a different speed. Gonna try to not read as much until I get to at least 90 days, because then i won't be able to live normally. I'll just be here when I could be out doing something else. Really gonna focus on making this a part of my lifestyle and my every day normalcy, instead of a "challenge". Mentally I'm good, but this continues to test my mental muscles and I'm proud to say, they've gotten stronger. Everyone have a great weekend. Keep it pmo free.
Day 13 hard mode
Can't believe how fast these almost 2 weeks have gone. They haven't been the easiest, but they have been worth it. So thankful to have fought for myself these last few days. Mentally, this has been a challenge, but I'm so proud of myself for overcoming the lies in my addicted brain and not letting them overtake me once again. So far today I am feeling good. No huge energy boost, but no down feelings either. I'm just good and calm. No big MW this morning either. I definitely feel like I'm slowly coming out of my flatline. Everything will fix itself in time. Hope you all have a great Sunday.
Can't believe how fast these almost 2 weeks have gone. They haven't been the easiest, but they have been worth it. So thankful to have fought for myself these last few days. Mentally, this has been a challenge, but I'm so proud of myself for overcoming the lies in my addicted brain and not letting them overtake me once again. So far today I am feeling good. No huge energy boost, but no down feelings either. I'm just good and calm. No big MW this morning either. I definitely feel like I'm slowly coming out of my flatline. Everything will fix itself in time. Hope you all have a great Sunday.
Ezel
Respected Member
Just give it some time freedom. Good things come to those who wait. Hang in there
partner 
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