Crazy to believe that tomorrow marks one month off in my journey. This has been a journey, that began in 2019 and through many relapses, I find myself here once again at the doorstep of 30 days of hard mode. I've been in flatline through most of these first 29 days. I've had good days and bad days. Good energy and days where I feel fatigued, crummy and have a headache for a lot of the day. I've had anxiety, flashbacks, annoying fantasies, some good morning wood, and days where it seems it may never reappear. Through all of this, I have stayed on track and for that, I am so proud of myself. So many times over the years, I have allowed my mind to trick me into a relapse. If I saw something, had a brief moment of fantasy, heard something or thought of something, that got those wheels turning and the addicted part of my brain would get in my ear and begin messing with me. That's happened this time around too, heck it even happened about 10 minutes ago with a useless fantasy that I quickly extinguished. I've noticed that the more I stick with this program and the longer I stay free of pmo, those moments become less and less frequent and the strength of them goes down. Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me and by me. I won't tag all of you, out of fear of skipping someone but all you know who you are. One month almost down, an entire lifetime of freedom ahead of me.
Day 30 of hard mode. Unbelievable. So proud. Thank you all. I'm going to try to stop counting days now in an attempt to make this a permanent lifestyle instead of a daily countdown show . I'll count every month and still post about my progress. I love this foundation that I've put down, but I must not get complacent.
Thing I need to work on: Being patient and letting my brain heal naturally no matter how long it takes. Work on not letting those mental whispers in so often (fantasy, anxiety about stuff I just saw amongst other things.)
It's amazing how the flatline can make you feel like you're at the bottom of the grand canyon. I have this incredibly odd feeling of indifference and I'm not really interested in anything. Absolutely 0 drive/motivation. It's like the batteries that power those things are dead. The only positive thing today is my mind is clear.
- No morning wood at all
- Everything is flat.
Gonna stick with it. Just needed to vent because I just feel so odd.
Woke up once this morning with about 40% MW. Laid back down, got up again later and had at least 80% MW. It literally stayed for about 15 minutes after I woke up. I've not had that happen in forever. Idk what it means in terms of healing but it truly makes me so happy just to experience it again.
Woke up with a terrible headache. Not sure if it is pmo withdrawal or just because I slept too long. No morning wood this morning, but I have experienced it during the last 30 something days, so I know it's gradually returning. One good MW doesn't mean the next day will include the same thing. I had terrible anxiety last night, but I didn't bite. I didn't walk into the trap it had created for me. Still a bit anxious this morning and still have a bit of the headache I woke up with. However, I have found a tremendous amount of peace and calmness over these last 30 something days. I'm just a calmer person in all aspects of life. My stress levels are down significantly. I sleep so much better as well. I don't expect to see much improvement until 2 or 3 months in, maybe even 4-6. But I can see where I'm headed. Just gotta keep avoiding the traps, not listening to the addicted parts of my brain and staying on the path. Getting better every day, even if I may not feel like it every day.
Last night the urge to MO rushed back to me unexpectedly. It's been forever since I have felt that. I definitely haven't felt it much at all in the last almost 40 days. This morning, I woke up very early and while lying in bed, I got 90% hard which was insane. Also, I've always struggled with what I've always called "precum" in the past, but that isn't a problem currently. It's been an odd few hours to say the least. Lol. Idk what any of this means. All I know is I will stay the course. Also, my energy and drive are back too. Looking forward to today.
Tomorrow marks 40 days on hard mode. It's been difficult at times but incredibly worth it. Just now beginning to experience mental health benefits like I haven't experienced in years. 0 anxiety and the most clear mind I've ever had. Calmer, happier, more at peace. PMO takes from you. Abstinence gives it back.
Had that urge to MO last night. That urge is so annoying because it's the oddest feeling of energy. I got through it, but my mind kept trying to negotiate with me and all that mess. If anything, I strengthened my willpower. Feeling good. Had some anxiety last night as well, so I'm not quite out of the woods with that just yet. Staying on the track.
One odd thing that I've experienced this time around is fatigue hits me really hard in mid afternoon and evening. I wake up feeling amazing and energetic and my mind is clear. But then boom mid afternoon hits and into the evening and I'm just exhausted. I'm sleeping better and getting enough rest. I feel rested and great when I wake up. I know fatigue is a withdrawal symptom, and it seems I'm still experiencing it. Just a very odd thing.
Day 42. Had a wet dream last night. My first of this attempt. I dreamed about pmo and woke up and....yeah. My question is, does that dream about pmo set me back any? I've went back through it, and I feel as though I was fully asleep and unable to get it out of my head. I went back to sleep a bit later, and dreamed more than I have in months. It was such an odd night. Also had good MW this morning.