Finally sick and tired of being sick and tired

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Today was one of those down days that we sometimes experience in this wonderful process known as healing. I just felt tired all day. Just super foggy and groggy. Hopefully a good night's sleep will fix it. I noticed today, that I really focus so much energy on my recovery. I read tons of success stories, and that leads me to comparing myself, my story and my progress to others and that's not very healthy. My brain and yours are different. Just because you had success on day 72, doesn't mean that I will also see success on that same day. I guess it just causes me some unneeded stress and then I set these unfair goals for myself, when my only goal should be not today. I heard that stress can slow down recovery, so I'm gonna take a step back from posting, day counting, and reading success stories. I'll post every new month that I'm successful. I will of course continue to support all of you who have supported me. I just won't be here posting as frequently as I have been lately. I've always used Gabe as a benchmark, if he can recover, we all can. That's all I need to know. Hope all of you have an amazing Sunday tomorrow.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Yesterday was a very bad mental health day for me. Depression hit me hard and disappointment over past struggles. I also had a very vivid pmo flashback that made me extremely anxious. Yesterday would have been a top of the line day to relapse. But I didn't. I stayed strong. I stayed on course. I kept my eye on the target. Usually I would have failed so badly. I can't even express how proud of myself I am right now. I made up my mind last night, that I'm gonna be better in every area of my life. I have made this promise to myself so many times before, and I have went back on it every time. Today is very different than yesterday. I'm motivated to be better, to put my full effort into everything and to just be a better person. I also feel like I'm in another flatline. Getting close to 2 months. I want a better life. Not the pmo filled, draining life that I had before. Hope all of you have a great day and week.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I MO'd to test myself and it was both a success and a reminder that I still have work to do. First off, I came as soon as I began, which was to be expected as I had not purposely done that in almost 2 months. I was quickly able to try again, and didn't get fully hard until after the O. This morning I tried one more time, and used normal fantasy and was able to get about 60% or so hard with premature ejaculation continuing to be an issue. Something interesting though, is the fantasy I used was not at all like it used to be. It was more normal and real life than in the past. I had very strong morning wood this morning even after my attempt last night and I don't crave pmo at all after these attempts, which in the past has happened. I see some progress, but I also see room for more improvement and healing. I feel very thankful and very blessed to almost be 2 months without porn of any kind in my life or on my screen. Porn is the problem.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Relapsed tonight. Tomorrow will be day 1 once again. I've figured out, that "testing" myself leads to most of my falls and tonight was no different. That voice came back and began whispering and I ended up giving into it's fake promise of pleasure. I'm not sad, frustrated or mad at myself. I'm not going to beat myself up. Tomorrow, I will simply get back on the bull that threw me off and attempt to the best of my ability to go the full distance. Looking forward to it. One day we will all make it.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Relapsed tonight. Tomorrow will be day 1 once again. I've figured out, that "testing" myself leads to most of my falls and tonight was no different. That voice came back and began whispering and I ended up giving into it's fake promise of pleasure. I'm not sad, frustrated or mad at myself. I'm not going to beat myself up. Tomorrow, I will simply get back on the bull that threw me off and attempt to the best of my ability to go the full distance. Looking forward to it. One day we will all make it.
it happens man. your day is only what you've got, right here right now. that's the only thing that matters the most. i know this filth might seems so powerful to us, but trust me it's really weak. it only looks powerful cuz we are so consumed by it. once you get the ball rolling and move ahead with a long streak you will start getting your mojo back. a 100 mile journey starts with one step.
let's go partner we have a long way ahead of us.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
it happens man. your day is only what you've got, right here right now. that's the only thing that matters the most. i know this filth might seems so powerful to us, but trust me it's really weak. it only looks powerful cuz we are so consumed by it. once you get the ball rolling and move ahead with a long streak you will start getting your mojo back. a 100 mile journey starts with one step.
let's go partner we have a long way ahead of us.
Thank you, pal! Appreciate that so much.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
2 questions: 1, has anyone else had random semen leakage. Earlier I was just chilling and enjoying the morning and I had some random, annoying leakage out of nowhere. It's annoying. Is that normal?
2, Yesterday i spent a lot of my time listening to Jocko Willink's podcast. He is super motivating. Does anyone else listen to him? Hope all of you have a great day. Keep it pmo free.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I think I have figured out the reason behind all of my slips and relapses. I'm experiencing and have caused my brain to have hypofrontality. My best streaks have been when I flat out said no to my brain and let it get through all the pain of getting through an urge. Anxiety and stress would ramp up, but I would be committed. On the other side of that, I would say no and then 10 minutes later, I completely fall. I read on the YBOP site last night that desensitization is the reason why I can't control and weigh the consequences of my relapses. My free will rests in me allowing my brain to return to normal working order. That has always hurt. Lol. But nothing worth having comes easy. I read a lot of Gabe's FAQs last night, knowing all he went through and that he healed and is now so happy really shows me that no matter how far gone I am, or how difficult this may be, the brain can change, heal and get better. He was talking about the mindset of porn not being an option anymore, and how when he would think about all it did to him, he would get angry at the pain it caused him and others. I'm not at my best right now. My potential isn't being fulfilled. I have friends and family who need me to be at my best. I need me to be at my best. Eventually, I will be with a girl and I'll have ED and I'll have to feel that embarrassment and I'll have to explain to the girl that it's not her, it's me. I've never really thought about that seriously until these last few days. I don't want that. In 2019, I got to 113 days pmo free because I wanted it more than anything. I need to get back to that mindset. So, this is day 1 of hard mode. I look forward to this battle.
 
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