Finally sick and tired of being sick and tired

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Last night, I hit rock bottom finally in this addiction. I was watching a football game and out of nowhere, I got a flashback of a video I had seen. It was a very strong flashback and it wouldn't go away. I ended up going to the dark side to find what my brain considered the perfect and best video at least at the time. I spent over an hour looking for it, and never found it. This crushes that myth for me that there is a perfect one out there. Our brains make them seem that way to get us to give it what it desperately wants. Dopamine. I was up until 3am. I have no one to blame but myself for falling for this again. I can only go up from here. These last 5 years of trying to quit have been filled with highs and lows. I'm just glad I finally hit the lowest point. For some people, it takes that to finally be able to get better. It isn't fun posting this. It was pathetic and sad. Wasting and hour looking for something like that. I take full responsibility for it. I just wanted to be honest with everyone here. I'm gonna log off now and take a shower and try to get myself in order. I'll be back on later.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I've had many days like this, one in particular that I can recall. It was the day that really changed it all for me. Something just clicked in me that spring day. It wasn't based on "inspiration" (which will always fail you) or "motivation" (which will never last), rather, it was an internal decision and state of mind that I KNEW I was over it. It can be a life changing moment.

Press on brother.
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I've had many days like this, one in particular that I can recall. It was the day that really changed it all for me. Something just clicked in me that spring day. It wasn't based on "inspiration" (which will always fail you) or "motivation" (which will never last), rather, it was an internal decision and state of mind that I KNEW I was over it. It can be a life changing moment.

Press on brother.
Thank you, bro for that. I've been training my brain for the wrong thing and the wrong way for a long time. Just like if I want big arms, I've got to train them to get the results I want. I have to re-train my brain to get back to it's old self and to get the results that i want. I just want a physical human instead of one on my phone. Thankful for these hard lessons. Thankful others have gone through them as well and can offer support.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Got through an urge last night. Ended up just going to bed and ignoring it the best that I could. My brain was trying so hard to convince me to act out. Same song and verse as always. I've been having flashbacks today. Seems like that urge brought them along with it. It's just a part of this process. It'll get better with time. We will all get better with time.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Big victory to report. Last night, I had a really, really bad urge to PMO. My mind began to throw flashbacks and other thoughts and images at me and telling how great one last session would be. Instead of that, I learned that during an urge, I tense up. I don't get stressed or anxious, but I tense up a lot. My brain goes into fight or flight and I end up going into the darkness. I took a few deep breaths and watched a guy on YouTube who does racing videos. I tried my best to focus on that and not my mind. Eventually, after about 20 or 30 minutes, the urge subsided. Thankfully. I won't lie to you guys, I was tempted. Badly. My addicted brain presented a great and convincing argument. For almost 6 years of trying to stop this addiction, I've been haunted by this one urge that I can't ever get through. The one hurdle I can't get over. I'd always go back to the starting gate and the cycle continued. Last night, I broke that cycle. It feels good and my confidence today is up. That being said, today has been a bit shaky as my brain is trying to convince me again. Not as bad as last night though. I can choose. We can all choose. Last night was just different. Maybe because I said no and finally said no on my terms instead of robotically going where the urge told me to go. Flashbacks and mind images are a part of this. I gotta get better at shaking them off and moving on quicker. Other than that, I'm so proud of myself. I haven't been during this journey a lot of the time. There is just so much failure and pain. But experiences like last night show me this is possible. Thank you @Ezel @Blondie and so many others who continue to support me.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Big victory to report. Last night, I had a really, really bad urge to PMO. My mind began to throw flashbacks and other thoughts and images at me and telling how great one last session would be. Instead of that, I learned that during an urge, I tense up. I don't get stressed or anxious, but I tense up a lot. My brain goes into fight or flight and I end up going into the darkness. I took a few deep breaths and watched a guy on YouTube who does racing videos. I tried my best to focus on that and not my mind. Eventually, after about 20 or 30 minutes, the urge subsided. Thankfully. I won't lie to you guys, I was tempted. Badly. My addicted brain presented a great and convincing argument. For almost 6 years of trying to stop this addiction, I've been haunted by this one urge that I can't ever get through. The one hurdle I can't get over. I'd always go back to the starting gate and the cycle continued. Last night, I broke that cycle. It feels good and my confidence today is up. That being said, today has been a bit shaky as my brain is trying to convince me again. Not as bad as last night though. I can choose. We can all choose. Last night was just different. Maybe because I said no and finally said no on my terms instead of robotically going where the urge told me to go. Flashbacks and mind images are a part of this. I gotta get better at shaking them off and moving on quicker. Other than that, I'm so proud of myself. I haven't been during this journey a lot of the time. There is just so much failure and pain. But experiences like last night show me this is possible. Thank you @Ezel @Blondie and so many others who continue to support me.
I'm so happy for you freedom, glad that you are standing your ground when things gets though. all the best champ.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Today marks a week of doing it differently. So far, so good. Had a PMO dream this morning and woke up last night at 2 something. Other than that, I'm in a flatline and shrunken with no major urges, cravings or thoughts. I've had 1 urge that began and I didn't react to it. Usually, I tense up and fight it. This time however, I let go and let it be and listened to some music. It went away quickly. Not giving the urge attention, seemed to make it lose power quickly. I've seen some stuff accidentally that could've led to relapse in the past, but, I've just been able to better navigate my way through it. I have more energy and a clear mind due to retention and my confidence is building. Not gonna get too confident though. Because that could lead to my downfall. Just not today.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
9 days in. Had a big urge last night. It began as a flashback/thought as most urges seem to begin for me. I decided to apply the strategy that I did a few days ago. I didn't react or fight or tense up. It hung around for about 20 minutes or so. Not really sure. But, eventually it faded away. They key for me is remaining calm and not getting stressed or anxious. Why do that? The urges won't kill me. They may annoy me, but they won't take my birthday away from me. Lol. Gotta keep practicing this new strategy. Still having flashbacks and P thoughts, but it is still early in the process. Just thankful for today. Have a lot of energy and I've worked out and did some chores already today. Feeling good. Just not today.
 
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