Finally sick and tired of being sick and tired

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Beginning to feel better both in body and mind. Anxiety is very low today and so is my stress. I just feel better, lighter and a genuine happiness. I just feel even. I don't really know how to accurately describe it. Almost 1 week into my reboot. I've had a few urges to watch and to MO. Nothing major. I just keep doing what I'm doing, and eventually the urge goes away or my mind will get onto another subject. The first few days I was tired and I just felt bad. Had no energy whatsoever. Now that's going away and energy seems to be coming back. Had a few random E's over the last few days, but I just let them be. It's good training in delayed gratification. I'm also able to discount triggers or things that could lead me down a bad road. I'm the only person who can give powers to those things to hurt me. Just one week down almost. Still got more time to go, but thank you so much to everyone for your support this year. It's been full of so much success and not success lol. But it seems to be ending on a good and hopeful note. Happy New year, everyone!!
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Day 7. 1 week hard mode. I feel absolutely amazing. Peace and freedom in my mind, heart and soul. I feel free and even. I'm just okay. I'm calm and at peace with the world. No huge urges to watch p or to MO today. Really this week hasn't been bad that bad. I crave connection now for some reason. It's odd, but I crave talking to friends and I crave that connection. Just today that started. It's odd, but also great. Today has just been amazing. So thankful to start off 2023 pmo free. Now I gotta keep it that way. Gonna remember these feelings of gratitude when an urge comes by to take it from me.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I had another relapse Monday morning. I was up until 2 or 3am. I PMOd 2 or 3 times. No excuse for that. The difference between now and 2019 is I wanted it. I wanted to be porn free. Therefore no urge or anxiety or flashback was gonna break me, and for 113 days it didn't. I haven't been able to recapture that magic since. Until last night, I had urges most of the night. My mind was rationalizing every urge and saying "hey you can do it and just start again tomorrow." I didn't. I toughed it out. It sucked. It was difficult and extremely tempting but enough is enough. I just keep feeding myself with empty things that aren't gonna love me back nor satisfy anything in me. This morning I woke up and I felt so accomplished because I said no. I didn't give it. For the first time since 2019, I didn't rationalize a relapse or let my anxiety push me to do it. I didn't let any emotion push me off the cliff and I'm proud of myself. I can say no. Saying no won't kill me. All it will do is heal me and give me life and freedom and eventually love. Yes, it's uncomfortable for a bit and the urges suck and your mind is your enemy for a bit of time, but with every "no" it becomes your friend again. I want it again. I want it like I did in 2019. I haven't tried since then. I admit that. I just gave in. I let my anxiety and my emotions and my rationalizations and my mind take me over and impulsively gave in and then came on here and said all these things, knowing that I didn't even try to say no. I was giving up my power and giving it to the urge. Nothing bad will happen if I don't give in. Only good things will happen. I know that now. I'm not making any promises, but I do know that I want this now. I know I can say no and fight for myself and my future. I want to do that.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Hey everyone, sorry for the delay in activity from me. The last week has been quite the situation. Sad and embarrassed to say that I've had a few binge sessions. PMOd 3 or 4 times a day. My ability to say no was gone and the addicted part of my brain took over. The worst one was the other morning, I woke up and immediately thought of P and watched it before 10am. That's absolutely irresponsible and a clear sign of my addiction struggle. I then ended up watching it again 2 or 3 times that day. Not proud to admit any of this. My last slip was on the 9th at about 2am or so. Since then I've been clean. Obviously it's only 2 days, and so it's not much. I told my two closest friends about my binges and they both were very caring and understanding. Both want to help, and it means a lot. On the day of the 9th, I spent the day watching videos from Noah Church and Gabe Deem, as well as Gary Wilson. I also read the your brain on porn site and sent some info to my friend who isn't really up to date on all of this. Truly I feel like I've hit a wall. Rock bottom on this journey. I'm at that crossroads that I've often heard people talk about who struggle with addiction. I can either choose rebooting and rewiring or I can choose eventual PIED and a life where I feel numb, unhappy and anxious all the time. I choose to go down the road that in 2019 gave me life. It gave me 113 days clean and I felt so great. I felt free and so many things felt alive again. Only place to go now is forward and up. PMO isn't an option anymore for me. I can't go back to how I was last week. I can't slip anymore like I did on the 9th. Even if it was just a few minutes. So far, I've felt anxious, tired, sluggish. I've had no huge urge or desire to watch. The other night I was on my phone late because I couldn't sleep and my mind tried so hard to convince me that I watched p and wanted me to relapse. When I knew without a doubt that I hadn't. It was the most anxious moment I've had In a good while. Today I just feel tired and a bit anxious. No drive or energy. No love of life. I'm just eh. But I can't go back. I can't be how I was and I won't. If I gotta feel like a bag of garbage for a few days or weeks then it's worth it. Never again, guys. I just wanna reboot.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Hey everyone, sorry for the delay in activity from me. The last week has been quite the situation. Sad and embarrassed to say that I've had a few binge sessions. PMOd 3 or 4 times a day. My ability to say no was gone and the addicted part of my brain took over. The worst one was the other morning, I woke up and immediately thought of P and watched it before 10am. That's absolutely irresponsible and a clear sign of my addiction struggle. I then ended up watching it again 2 or 3 times that day. Not proud to admit any of this. My last slip was on the 9th at about 2am or so. Since then I've been clean. Obviously it's only 2 days, and so it's not much. I told my two closest friends about my binges and they both were very caring and understanding. Both want to help, and it means a lot. On the day of the 9th, I spent the day watching videos from Noah Church and Gabe Deem, as well as Gary Wilson. I also read the your brain on porn site and sent some info to my friend who isn't really up to date on all of this. Truly I feel like I've hit a wall. Rock bottom on this journey. I'm at that crossroads that I've often heard people talk about who struggle with addiction. I can either choose rebooting and rewiring or I can choose eventual PIED and a life where I feel numb, unhappy and anxious all the time. I choose to go down the road that in 2019 gave me life. It gave me 113 days clean and I felt so great. I felt free and so many things felt alive again. Only place to go now is forward and up. PMO isn't an option anymore for me. I can't go back to how I was last week. I can't slip anymore like I did on the 9th. Even if it was just a few minutes. So far, I've felt anxious, tired, sluggish. I've had no huge urge or desire to watch. The other night I was on my phone late because I couldn't sleep and my mind tried so hard to convince me that I watched p and wanted me to relapse. When I knew without a doubt that I hadn't. It was the most anxious moment I've had In a good while. Today I just feel tired and a bit anxious. No drive or energy. No love of life. I'm just eh. But I can't go back. I can't be how I was and I won't. If I gotta feel like a bag of garbage for a few days or weeks then it's worth it. Never again, guys. I just wanna reboot.
Welcome back partner, it's been a while. What matters most is that you joined us, forget about the past, just learn from it. I think that's the only way we can use it. I can relate to all of what you have said, porn can really be a pain in the azz, just when you start to think that you got out of that swamp, a filthy hand reaches out to you and grabs you back in. The important thing is just to keep pushing, and no Matter how many time you fall down remember to get back up.
The Dogs May Bark But the Caravan Moves on.
Onwards freedom.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Welcome back partner, it's been a while. What matters most is that you joined us, forget about the past, just learn from it. I think that's the only way we can use it. I can relate to all of what you have said, porn can really be a pain in the azz, just when you start to think that you got out of that swamp, a filthy hand reaches out to you and grabs you back in. The important thing is just to keep pushing, and no Matter how many time you fall down remember to get back up.
The Dogs May Bark But the Caravan Moves on.
Onwards freedom.
Man @Ezel thank you for that. I think I'm in a flatline because I have no desire at all for anything sexual but I also just have no energy today. I feel drained. I know you said once that you have had flatlines early in your reboots.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Man @Ezel thank you for that. I think I'm in a flatline because I have no desire at all for anything sexual but I also just have no energy today. I feel drained. I know you said once that you have had flatlines early in your reboots.
Yeah man, flatlines are part of the process.
Actually i started to fall in love with my flatlines, i don't know if it's just me but my flatlines are a bit different, cuz even though I don't feel anything sexual, which is what i prefer cuz i don't have an outlet at the moment. With all this going on, i still got my energy and motivation flowing 💪😎. Which is weird cuz we always say that energy and motivation go hand in hand with the sexual energy. But i know this situation won't last for long, there's always an end to it, and then the real struggle will begin.
Just keep pushing my man, you got this.
God bless you champion 🏆.
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
my advice to you is to get a blocking software, and completely eliminate PMO and any related fantasies. it is very difficult to resist urges that come from addiction related brain changes like P addiction, primarily the deficiency in the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for self control). once you get a head start and this part of the brain recovers a bit, resisting the urges becomes easier. This is why you are constantly failing, your PFC is too weak at the moment. It takes time for the PFC to recover before you are even able to say “no” at all so removing even the option of PMOF becomes very important, hence the blocking software. I use Covenant Eyes, details in my signature.

Im almost 90 days clean, which is the longest by far i have ever gone PMO free since becoming addicted over a decade ago. The key is you need to be accountable. i have a great accountability partner and we can see each others search history every day.

your brain will usually balance itself out with enough time. keep coming to the forums for support and soon you will become re-sensitized to normal stimuli. together, we can all get our boners back. feel free to message me if you want more details etc.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
my advice to you is to get a blocking software, and completely eliminate PMO and any related fantasies. it is very difficult to resist urges that come from addiction related brain changes like P addiction, primarily the deficiency in the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for self control). once you get a head start and this part of the brain recovers a bit, resisting the urges becomes easier. This is why you are constantly failing, your PFC is too weak at the moment. It takes time for the PFC to recover before you are even able to say “no” at all so removing even the option of PMOF becomes very important, hence the blocking software. I use Covenant Eyes, details in my signature.

Im almost 90 days clean, which is the longest by far i have ever gone PMO free since becoming addicted over a decade ago. The key is you need to be accountable. i have a great accountability partner and we can see each others search history every day.

your brain will usually balance itself out with enough time. keep coming to the forums for support and soon you will become re-sensitized to normal stimuli. together, we can all get our boners back. feel free to message me if you want more details etc.
Thank you for this.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Last night was a victory. Had an urge and didn't give in. I kept myself occupied and didn't give the urge the attention that it craved. It was trying to rationalize everything and so was my anxiety but I stayed on course. Eventually it passed and I was able to sleep without the urge or the regret of another night of failure. It's only one urge, but it's a step towards the better direction. My confidence is back and I'm feeling good.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Tonight feels like a huge turning point. I went to a porn site. Had a video picked out but I couldn't bring myself to hit play. I just felt nothing. No desire to watch it. I just sat there thinking about telling my friends that I relapsed again and having to let myself down one more time. I just couldn't hit play. I left the site and didn't watch anything tonight. That's never happened before. I felt disconnected from the site. I'm not proud of myself for going to the site, but I'm super proud of myself for not watching anything.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Thats great buddy, keep up the great work!
I appreciate it. Going one day at a time. Not setting huge goals this time around. Also my support system and accountability has gotten stronger. Last night was such a confidence boost for me. I couldn't rationalize it anymore. I didn't want to click it and I didn't. Maybe I finally got sick of it or realized that it's not gonna serve me anything positive.
 
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