Finally sick and tired of being sick and tired

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Day 1. To anyone who sees this who may be having a bad day with urges, maybe you're 2 months or more into your reboot, believe me the relapse is NOT worth it. The almost 2 months away from porn made the relapse feel awful. All the dopamine rushed through my brain and left me exhausted and feeling bad both in mentally and physically. It was like opening a wound that you had been trying to heal for almost 2 months. It's gonna be bad. I felt no satisfaction or anything positive at all after the relapse. I just felt bad. Franky I felt like I hurt my brain. I told my accountability partner, and I also deleted social media apps and accounts that I don't use anymore. Instagram oddly enough was a trigger that I wasn't aware of. That's gone now. All of you here inspire me so much. Reading about your successes, makes me want to succeed even more. Looking forward to the rest of this month and trying get another good streak going.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
You're good man @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11. I can't tell you how many times I've been right there, wondering why I went back. @TakeActionNow has a good post about going back to porn is like going back to an ex girlfriend. It might sound good for the moment if you're lonely or horny, but as soon as you do, you realize why you had a breakup in the first place.

Keep your head up brother. This is all part of the journey, you're doing excellent.

You got this.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
You're good man @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11. I can't tell you how many times I've been right there, wondering why I went back. @TakeActionNow has a good post about going back to porn is like going back to an ex girlfriend. It might sound good for the moment if you're lonely or horny, but as soon as you do, you realize why you had a breakup in the first place.

Keep your head up brother. This is all part of the journey, you're doing excellent.

You got this.
Appreciate it, pal. I'll get there one day.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Appreciate it, pal. I'll get there one day.
I bet you will my man. It's okay what happened to you. It happens to the best of us. Now you are back to the battle field soldier, there's no going back, it's either we win or we die fighting. Porn is not an option like Blondie says. Always say no to that filth my brother, it's not worth it at all.
Peace and love.
You got this champ.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I relapsed twice last night. I have 0 discipline and 0 impulse control over my urges. Then I flood my brain with unhealthy dopamine and feel sorry for myself again. Its a never ending cycle of shame, stress, anxiety and fear. All of this, is on me. After the last relapse last night, I looked around at myself and realized how truly pathetic it is. I'm living like a boy instead of a man. I'm keeping myself down in a hole instead of charging towards my potential and the person I want to be. The best version of myself is down deep within me, but I'm treating myself in a way that won't ever let me go get that person and grow into him. I used to watch porn because of friendships that ended. Now I watch it, because of myself. Because of my own selfishness, regardless of how it impacts my mental, physical and emotional health. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely sluggish and my mind was like a muddy puddle. I decided to work out really hard. I did 2 rounds of push-ups, crunches and weights. It lifted everything I had been feeling and showed me that I can feel better. Not only that, but quitting pmo will help my mind even more. I texted my accountability partner who is also one of my best friends. She has been affected by porn use in the past, and so it makes my use of it even more worse. I haven't been the best friend to her lately and I apologized to her. I hate telling her when I slip, because she wants to help me and she actually cares about me and the damage porn can do to me. She's the definition of a true friend. At this point, the only person who can quit this habit is me. I'm in my own way so much of the time. I even had anxiety about making sure my history was cleared last night. I'm gonna be 27 in June. I don't wanna be a 27 year old boy. I wanna look in the mirror as a 27 year old man who no longer watches porn. Someone who is disciplined and in shape mentally, physically and emotionally. I've got 89 days until that day. Time to get to work. I've talked a lot on here without much to show for it. Time to change that. Love y'all.....oh yeah, and I have always wanted abs. That's definitely on the priority list 😂
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I have 0 discipline and 0 impulse control over my urges. Then I flood my brain with unhealthy dopamine and feel sorry for myself again. Its a never ending cycle of shame, stress, anxiety and fear. All of this, is on me. After the last relapse last night, I looked around at myself and realized how truly pathetic it is. I'm living like a boy instead of a man.
Hey @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11, this happens, I would try to not be so hard on yourself. You've had some great streaks over the last while, and I believe, better than you've ever done before, so that is progress, and you must celebrate it. If this was easy, none of us would be here. It's like a baby falling down over and over again, they instantly get back up and keep on moving. Sometimes they stop when they fall and make a fit and cry, which is okay, but the only way they're going to learn how to walk is to get back up again. Thus, we must do the same. When you first relapse, it's real hard to pull out of it, because your mind has been drenched with dopamine, which takes a while to calm back down. It's not surprising that you slipped again.

Just fire through it and keep on moving.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
I relapsed twice last night. I have 0 discipline and 0 impulse control over my urges. Then I flood my brain with unhealthy dopamine and feel sorry for myself again. Its a never ending cycle of shame, stress, anxiety and fear. All of this, is on me. After the last relapse last night, I looked around at myself and realized how truly pathetic it is. I'm living like a boy instead of a man. I'm keeping myself down in a hole instead of charging towards my potential and the person I want to be. The best version of myself is down deep within me, but I'm treating myself in a way that won't ever let me go get that person and grow into him. I used to watch porn because of friendships that ended. Now I watch it, because of myself. Because of my own selfishness, regardless of how it impacts my mental, physical and emotional health. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely sluggish and my mind was like a muddy puddle. I decided to work out really hard. I did 2 rounds of push-ups, crunches and weights. It lifted everything I had been feeling and showed me that I can feel better. Not only that, but quitting pmo will help my mind even more. I texted my accountability partner who is also one of my best friends. She has been affected by porn use in the past, and so it makes my use of it even more worse. I haven't been the best friend to her lately and I apologized to her. I hate telling her when I slip, because she wants to help me and she actually cares about me and the damage porn can do to me. She's the definition of a true friend. At this point, the only person who can quit this habit is me. I'm in my own way so much of the time. I even had anxiety about making sure my history was cleared last night. I'm gonna be 27 in June. I don't wanna be a 27 year old boy. I wanna look in the mirror as a 27 year old man who no longer watches porn. Someone who is disciplined and in shape mentally, physically and emotionally. I've got 89 days until that day. Time to get to work. I've talked a lot on here without much to show for it. Time to change that. Love y'all.....oh yeah, and I have always wanted abs. That's definitely on the priority list 😂
Running away from what is hurting you is going to hurt you even more. Don't run my man, embrace the pain.
Hope you're doing well freedom, see you around ☺️.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Days 1 through 7

Penis is lifeless. No libido. I've only had one urge to watch porn and none to fap. Had morning wood on day 5. Very mild though and it left very quickly. Moments of frustration on day 6. Mostly mood was fairly passive. Although moments of frustration and feelings of not caring are both mixed in. Penis is smaller and when it's not, it's just there. Lifeless. Had urges Saturday night at hockey. Just fought through it and won.

Day 7. No morning wood. Feeling kinda depressed today. Maybe flatline? More quick tempered. No motivation or libido. Lifeless penis. Nothing is exciting and nothing really makes me happy. Everything is blah. Had some small fantasies, but nothing bad. I quickly shut them down.

Evening of day 7: Everything invokes frustration. No joy in anything.

Morning of day 8: No Morning wood. I am feeling better though. More energy. Hopefully by the end of the week, the flatline will be over. Penis is still lifeless though.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Today was decent. Worked out and just went through the day with no big issues. My energy is getting better from retention, but it's an odd emotional energy. I'm not even sure how to explain it. Almost like withdrawal sadness or depression. Maybe my numbness is going away or it's a flatline symptom. I'm not depressed, but there is an odd feeling of emotion that I can't pinpoint exactly. I've decided to transmute my energy into finally becoming the person I've wanted to be for so long. I've held myself back and have allowed pmo to hold me back for so long. Just sitting around and waiting for the flatline to end and recovery to come isn't a healthy thing. Doing the things that make me the happiest will help me most I believe. I'm so thankful for all of you here. Thank you for continuing to support me even when I mess up, which is a lot. Lol. Still have a lifeless penis. No interest in testing it and no drive to do it either. Still no urges for pmo. Hoping for some MW in the morning, but I know it's a process and it'll come when it's ready. It just feels odd to have a numb member down there. I am glad though that I'm going through it now because I would be dreading it if I wasn't. Will update tomorrow night. Thank you all.
 
Top