I relapsed twice last night. I have 0 discipline and 0 impulse control over my urges. Then I flood my brain with unhealthy dopamine and feel sorry for myself again. Its a never ending cycle of shame, stress, anxiety and fear. All of this, is on me. After the last relapse last night, I looked around at myself and realized how truly pathetic it is. I'm living like a boy instead of a man. I'm keeping myself down in a hole instead of charging towards my potential and the person I want to be. The best version of myself is down deep within me, but I'm treating myself in a way that won't ever let me go get that person and grow into him. I used to watch porn because of friendships that ended. Now I watch it, because of myself. Because of my own selfishness, regardless of how it impacts my mental, physical and emotional health. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely sluggish and my mind was like a muddy puddle. I decided to work out really hard. I did 2 rounds of push-ups, crunches and weights. It lifted everything I had been feeling and showed me that I can feel better. Not only that, but quitting pmo will help my mind even more. I texted my accountability partner who is also one of my best friends. She has been affected by porn use in the past, and so it makes my use of it even more worse. I haven't been the best friend to her lately and I apologized to her. I hate telling her when I slip, because she wants to help me and she actually cares about me and the damage porn can do to me. She's the definition of a true friend. At this point, the only person who can quit this habit is me. I'm in my own way so much of the time. I even had anxiety about making sure my history was cleared last night. I'm gonna be 27 in June. I don't wanna be a 27 year old boy. I wanna look in the mirror as a 27 year old man who no longer watches porn. Someone who is disciplined and in shape mentally, physically and emotionally. I've got 89 days until that day. Time to get to work. I've talked a lot on here without much to show for it. Time to change that. Love y'all.....oh yeah, and I have always wanted abs. That's definitely on the priority list