Why does his problem leave me feeling so worthless?

Wow. So happy for you guys!!! Keep up the hard work and have faith and support each other too. You both need each other’s support. Glad you are both seeing counselors. It helps a lot
We had a terrible couple of days, his disclosure turned out to not be full disclosure! Luckily, it still did not involve a real person, I don't know that we could survive that. Long story short, I told him I'm taking my life back, he stole enough, I`m the boss and if he doesn't like it, he is welcome to get the hell out of my house and life. It felt so good, not only to say it, but to mean it.
I am still as dedicated to our marriage as him, but I will not allow him to tell me how fast I have to recover. he said he understands and agreed to my term. Thank God, I do really love the man. He just need to truly be my husband now.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Well, I got the names of his "favorites" on his porn sites. I called someone over and I looked them up. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it so I had her look first. She has known me for 13 years, so she is a decent judge for me. I looked at bios, not their pig pages. The bios did have nude pictures, but not nasty ones. I am a woman that like all of the information. I know it isn't good for everyone, but it's a must for me. Sometimes I wish I could just be ignorant or not need as much as I do, but it is who I am. It just helps me better understand and process. I saw that 2 of them were born the same years as my kids and one the same year as his niece. I made sure I drove that home to him when we talked about it. The really funny thing is that they were a third my age, but my body truly looks better than theirs! He said athletic, I saw no muscles and that baby fat you keep until your probably around 24-25. The best part about seeing them is that it gave me confidence in my body!! I told him that I have a womans body, not a childs body and again, if it isn't good enough for you, get out. I literally have a 6 pack and nicely muscular arms. I'm 51! I keep looking in the mirror and just realizing that I wasn't the ugly, fat (even though I was only 140 at 5'9") yep he said that! during his active addiction, old or unattractive woman that he made me feel like I was. He only compliments me now and admits how dumb he was then, but the hurt is obviously still there.
I'm done caring about hurting his feelings or pretending about anything. He is getting the unadulterated truth for me about everything and if he doesn't like it, he is welcome to leave and I told him that. I told him that I am reclaiming my life. He has stolen 25 years of it, no more, not one more day. The rest is mine. He can come along as a husband in every sense of the word or he can get out.
I also made it clear that he will be taking a polygraph and if he fails, he's out. I told him, if he has anymore secrets, he better say them now. He said he doesn't, we will see. I'm preparing myself for the first time to be alone in 25 years just incase. I told him that I will recover at my own pace and in my own way. Basically, I took charge of everything that has to do with me and my life and told him that if he didn't like it, he can leave! It felt SO GOOD!
I appreciate that he is trying, working at getting better and accepting that he has a problem. I`ve read in so many places the heartache from women whose husbands won't even admit it. But I`m not paying for his problem anymore. I'll help him by encouraging him, supporting him and letting him know that I love him, but I will never worry about him loving me or not ever again. He will either show me love or he can leave. I demand nothing less.
One good thing for me is that he isn't the sharpest crayon in the box, he always ends up telling on himself.
Sorry, I just saw how crazy long that was!
WOW! This is exactly where I need to get my head and heart to. It's what I feel I need to do to regain my sanity. I'm not quite there yet. Please keep posting!
 

Oscar40

Active Member
We have been married for 25 years and he stopped watching porn a year ago and still can’t get and/or keep an erection with me? He hasn’t had an orgasim inside of me for 9 Years! Is it time for me to just accept that I’m not the teen girls with bald vaginas that turn him on in porn and just leave?
I’m a very fit woman, athletic build. I look mostly like I did when we married. He says that’s what he likes, but I can’t seem to do it for him. I’m feeling so lost, helpless, worthless and hopeless. I feel so stupid and used up.
Like many people on here, our story is a long and complicated one. He has always made me feel/think that I was the problem when all along it was him and his porn.

Any advice would be appreciated, I don`t know what to do anymore.
Yes. It is quite harmful for men. Depending on the age that you started watching porn, the speed of healing is possible.

For example my case: I have made many reboot attempts in my life and always, around day 40 or 54 or 60 (always before 90 days) I felt a great improvement in my erections just by using my imagination.

Most likely, because I started getting addicted somewhat late in life (at age 23), recovery was always quick.

A year without any results is a long time.

Questions:

1. At what age did your husband begin his addiction to pornography?

2. Has he not perhaps tried to be with another person to perhaps notice different results?

And if they try that possibility?
 
Yes. It is quite harmful for men. Depending on the age that you started watching porn, the speed of healing is possible.

For example my case: I have made many reboot attempts in my life and always, around day 40 or 54 or 60 (always before 90 days) I felt a great improvement in my erections just by using my imagination.

Most likely, because I started getting addicted somewhat late in life (at age 23), recovery was always quick.

A year without any results is a long time.

Questions:

1. At what age did your husband begin his addiction to pornography?

2. Has he not perhaps tried to be with another person to perhaps notice different results?

And if they try that possibility?
He saw his first magazine at around 10 years old. That's when his problem began. He is finally physically responding to me. NO, he hasn't tried to be with another person to see if his penis would work! That's absolutely ridiculous. How could that possibly save our marriage?
 

JSP

Member
He saw his first magazine at around 10 years old. That's when his problem began. He is finally physically responding to me. NO, he hasn't tried to be with another person to see if his penis would work! That's absolutely ridiculous. How could that possibly save our marriage?
Have you heard of Karreza? It’s a no pressure way to be intimate but without the pressure to perform. He might be having an issue with performance anxiety induced ED. Slow and steady wins the race. Masturbation can certainly take its toll on being able to get hard and perform again with a real person. Maybe even trying something like giving a hand job or a toy like a flashlight you could use in him? Anything to just get the party started but with no pressure to have intercourse or to cum. I’m sure it has nothing to do with how great you look or how sexy and fit you are. Just a brain rewire issue he has to work on. Can he get a boner looking at porn and jerking by himself still? If so, then he does not have a physiological problem but a porn rewired brain
 
Ouch! and Double ouch!

The full disclosure not being full would be very bad for me...I'm not sure I could handle being blindsided again. I gave him several chances for full disclosure during the first month after I found out. I was very clear that if he had more to tell me "now is the time because if I find it on my own later I'll leave". If he came to me now and told me more stuff I think I could handle it, but if I found out on my own it would kill me and our marriage.

Then to tell you to relax???!!! That you should be in a better place??? Bet that set you back a few weeks! That's like the first rule of regaining trust - you can't rush your partner.

My husband hasn't said that to me directly, but when I have more questions or anxiety about it, the look on his face says "hear we go again" and his attitude changes to impatient, then he is cold towards me for a few days. It makes me feel as though he hasn't really stopped looking and just wants me "off his back". The reality is, that is quite possible, and I won't know until I catch him or I don't.

As for your situation, I think it is a very good sign that he is going to counseling - my husband just plain won't...also not a good sign for him.

I will once again recommend the book Gracie mentioned - "Love You Hate the Porn" (we read it together). It's the sole reason my husband won't tell me where I should be at with my healing. Unfortunately I think that's about all he got from it.

I hope you get back on track quickly. And if you're up for it, keep me posted.
I just ordered that book. It must be good, I`ve seen it recommended many times. I talked to my husband about it when he called this morning on his break. He said it sounds like a great idea. Thank you for suggesting it.
If I may ask, how are you and your husband doing and how long have you been going through this?
 
Have you heard of Karreza? It’s a no pressure way to be intimate but without the pressure to perform. He might be having an issue with performance anxiety induced ED. Slow and steady wins the race. Masturbation can certainly take its toll on being able to get hard and perform again with a real person. Maybe even trying something like giving a hand job or a toy like a flashlight you could use in him? Anything to just get the party started but with no pressure to have intercourse or to cum. I’m sure it has nothing to do with how great you look or how sexy and fit you are. Just a brain rewire issue he has to work on. Can he get a boner looking at porn and jerking by himself still? If so, then he does not have a physiological problem but a porn rewired brain
No, I haven't heard of that. We have started to just be intimate with talking and touching. He has no desire to be entered into physically and there's no way I would do that. That isn't something that would have any place in our relationship. My husband is not gay in any sense of the word. How in the hell would we know if he can do that with porn when he no longer watches it or masturbates?!?! That question really confuses me.
 
Dear My husband,
I am sorry your marriage is going through this. It is indeed a tough time. I too started asking questions on men’s threads/forums because I wanted to know from their perspective what the hell was going on. It helped me and I made some good forum/thread friends. The hiding and the lying are the hardest to deal with. If you like, come on over to the Partner thread. My original story is in the Woman thread under Surprise. Reach out to me by private message here if you like.
I don't know how to do what you said. I can't seem to understand how to navigate this site.
 
WOW! This is exactly where I need to get my head and heart to. It's what I feel I need to do to regain my sanity. I'm not quite there yet. Please keep posting!
I have been able to maintain the feelings of self worth and dedication to myself so far. I was praying they wouldn't wane like a lot of things in my life. I intentionally look at myself in the mirror now, especially naked. I used to avoid it at all cost. I am starting to truly see myself. I may not be a super model or perfectly airbrushed, but I am a beautiful person inside and not too bad on the outside. I have finally started to consider where I should work, I haven't worked outside the house in almost 20 years. I except that full time to start is probably too much for me mentally at the moment, but baby steps will do for now. I am putting very real expectations on myself and my husband. This doesn't mean that I am not still a hot mess in lots of ways, just that I'm getting better.
I have been putting in a lot more time trying to find a councilor for myself. I have been given so much good information from very compassionate women that I now have lots of places to look. I hate the internet and am grateful for it at the sometime.
I don`t have it all together, but I'm here if I can help at all. Sometimes we just need encouragement and I can definitely give you that.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
I used to avoid it at all cost. I am starting to truly see myself. I may not be a super model or perfectly airbrushed, but I am a beautiful person inside and not too bad on the outside.
I am just a bit older than you, getting a little to close to 57 for my liking at the moment. 5'4" 110lbs (actually 107 after the stress of yesterday), don't have a six pack although been getting back to the gym since getting double boosted for covid. (Of course now that I have a good routine going I have to quarantine:mad:). I am still avoiding looking in the mirror. I feel the way you do - beautiful on the inside, but the outside...I feel like I may have actually developed body dysmorphia from all this.:rolleyes:
I have finally started to consider where I should work, I haven't worked outside the house in almost 20 years. I except that full time to start is probably too much for me mentally at the moment, but baby steps will do for now.
I have also been looking for a part time job and haven't worked in about 32 years (had a really bad daycare situation, add in moves for husband's job, kids hitting that age where you need to watch for drug use, timing was just never right and then I just didn't need or want to).

I feel like I'm in limbo. The gym has become mentally necessary for me. I was trying to get into a better routine that would allow time for work and still be able to take care of things at home, AND have enough energy left to make sure I wasn't ignoring the husband. Minimum 10 days off from the gym - post menapausal - you lose a LOT of ground in 10 days. So I will have to take a few steps back.
I am putting very real expectations on myself and my husband.
Do you feel like sharing what these are?
 
I am just a bit older than you, getting a little to close to 57 for my liking at the moment. 5'4" 110lbs (actually 107 after the stress of yesterday), don't have a six pack although been getting back to the gym since getting double boosted for covid. (Of course now that I have a good routine going I have to quarantine:mad:). I am still avoiding looking in the mirror. I feel the way you do - beautiful on the inside, but the outside...I feel like I may have actually developed body dysmorphia from all this.:rolleyes:

I have also been looking for a part time job and haven't worked in about 32 years (had a really bad daycare situation, add in moves for husband's job, kids hitting that age where you need to watch for drug use, timing was just never right and then I just didn't need or want to).

I feel like I'm in limbo. The gym has become mentally necessary for me. I was trying to get into a better routine that would allow time for work and still be able to take care of things at home, AND have enough energy left to make sure I wasn't ignoring the husband. Minimum 10 days off from the gym - post menapausal - you lose a LOT of ground in 10 days. So I will have to take a few steps back.

Do you feel like sharing what these are?
It sounds to me like you have a beautiful body and maybe you should start really looking at yourself. I have started to find positives to concentrate on and ignore what I may see as a flaw. Like that I'm 51, that's something that I have started to embrace. I am a woman, not a child. I have lived life, given birth, twice, have survived abuses that most never have to face, I have 2 wonderful grandkids that absolutely love me! I couldn't have those things if I was the children (compared to me) that he used to watch. They have nothing on me! I have morals and my dignity. I won't ever let him take that again or should I say, I will never give those things up for him again!
I have quit going to the gym, too many triggers for me there still, but I have set up a really good gym at home now. He is also not allowed to go to the gym anymore. We agreed to that. I went on marketplace and got us everything we need to workout at home. We also go to state parks together and hike a lot.
I definitely have body dysmorphia. I had it before I met him and his problem made mine worse. I have been skin and bones and still only seen a fat, ugly woman in the mirror. I have learned to fight against that and probably will for the rest of my days here. I have noticed that the more I look at myself and compliment myself, the less I see that "fat, ugly" woman looking back at me. Even if I'm having a bad day, I find one good thing to compliment myself on and remind myself that it truly doesn't matter what he thinks of me. It's work, but like I said before, I won't let his issue or porn take another day from me. (I am also post menopausal due to partial hysterectomy in my early 40`s.)
As for the realistic expectations.
I do not expect him to be able to be ok in places like gyms, malls, beaches. (So, those are things I have to give up for now.)That will take time.
I expect him to respect me at all times, even when I`m not with him.
I don't expect him to be "Better" in 6 months, it could take years.
I don't expect him to know how I`m feeling or what I`m thinking if I don't tell him.
I expect him to be able to be open and honest with me about everything, which is something he is capable of doing if he truly chooses to.
I do not expect myself to "fix" him anymore.
I do expect him to help repair some of the damage he has done to me, but I do not expect him to repair all of it, he can't. Some it falls 100% on me, whether I like it or not.
I do expect myself to continue to improve my own self esteem and value and not get it from him.
I expect him to have bad days and me too.
I don't expect everyday to be perfect or even one with great strides. I`m happy with just a baby step if that's all we can do that day.
The list is long and getting better tuned everyday. It's hard sometimes to know what is his responsibility and what is mine.
 

Oscar40

Active Member
He is finally physically responding to me
That's great. How happy I am to know this. It's good that he's already responding physically. The important thing is that you never use that crap (I mean porn) again.

Congratulations. I am very happy if your relationship with him is improving in that aspect.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I certainly hesitate to add to this discussion, since at the moment I don't have a partner, and when I did, both were (mercifully) understanding about my porn addiction.

He also told me this morning that I am obsessed with this issue and I need to relax.
He's wrong. He's the one who needs to be obsessed - with ending the porn addiction.

The best part about seeing them is that it gave me confidence in my body!
Glad to hear this. Porn is total fantasy. Yes, those girls "exist" but they're pictures on a screen, or they have been Photoshopped. That's the disturbing fantasy that all porn-addicted men get hooked on. Give me a woman who is more or less my age (53) with no make up on who looks good in a pair of jeans over a Photoshopped 21 year old Playboy girl any day.

If you ask me, you're right to be a hard ass about all of this. Perhaps if my wife had taken a harder line with me when we were together, I might have beaten the addiction years ago. But, ultimately, it's always up to the man to find the strength and discipline to quit and realize the damage a porn addiction can cause.
 
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Thank you. I have since told him that he needs to put as much time and effort into fixing his addiction and keeping me as he did into his porn.
Back when all I knew about was an occasional magazine, movies with sex scenes and his looking at every women while with me, I would ask him why he had to do that? His response was it was just curiosity! He had me, a real woman that he asked to be his wife that was there to love him, why wasn't I good enough? I still don't understand the addiction, but I am coming to understand that it is a real issue. I understand now, 25 years later, that I was not the problem and don`t quite understand why I tolerated it other than I had come from an abusive childhood and an abusive relationship before him. I thought I had self worth, but looking back, I didn't. That made me a perfect victim for him.
The good thing is that since he said that to me about obsessing, he has since apologized and has changed his attitude toward me about it. I`m trying to be compassionate to him and myself. We will have bad days together and independently, but I won't be disrespected anymore.
Anyway, thank you for saying what you did. It's good to hear from the other side of this coin. After all, it is two sided.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Good to hear that things are moving forward, if slowly. Honestly you don’t deserve to be the one leading this effort, he is the one who should be on here asking for advice - not you.

At the same time I think you’re right in coming here trying to understand, that you want to make it work. Even if he were not to change for the better, at least you get to know that you’re not the one to blame. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t need to think that you’re somehow not good enough.

There comes a point though, where he needs to take charge of the whole situation and have you as support - don’t think that you need to hold all of this up for the both of you. What happens if you get tired? He goes back to his old ways, or does he know what he needs to do and why?
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Good to hear that things are moving forward, if slowly. Honestly you don’t deserve to be the one leading this effort, he is the one who should be on here asking for advice - not you.

At the same time I think you’re right in coming here trying to understand, that you want to make it work. Even if he were not to change for the better, at least you get to know that you’re not the one to blame. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t need to think that you’re somehow not good enough.

There comes a point though, where he needs to take charge of the whole situation and have you as support - don’t think that you need to hold all of this up for the both of you. What happens if you get tired? He goes back to his old ways, or does he know what he needs to do and why?
This is exactly what I've been deeply pondering. If our marriage is important to him then HE should initiate the fixing. I will gladly participate, but forcing him to do anything to stop P, or fix the marriage, in my mind means nothing if I have to force or threaten him into it. AND it would give me greater confidence in his commitment to us.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
This is exactly what I've been deeply pondering. If our marriage is important to him then HE should initiate the fixing. I will gladly participate, but forcing him to do anything to stop P, or fix the marriage, in my mind means nothing if I have to force or threaten him into it. AND it would give me greater confidence in his commitment to us.
Of course, in the end it’s about quality of life for you as well, and I can imagine the struggle of trying to deal with something like this going on in the mind of another person. Not to mention the effect it must have on you when something goes wrong.

I also think that if he isn’t the one who wants to fix this problem, to get rid of the addiction, then I think it’s going to be incredibly hard for him to get there - even with help.

I have never wanted so badly to fix something in my life as much as this porn addiction, and im struggling to stay with it some days. The addiction has its claws in me deep, and I believe that you really have to want it to get out of it for good.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Of course, in the end it’s about quality of life for you as well, and I can imagine the struggle of trying to deal with something like this going on in the mind of another person. Not to mention the effect it must have on you when something goes wrong.

I also think that if he isn’t the one who wants to fix this problem, to get rid of the addiction, then I think it’s going to be incredibly hard for him to get there - even with help.

I have never wanted so badly to fix something in my life as much as this porn addiction, and im struggling to stay with it some days. The addiction has its claws in me deep, and I believe that you really have to want it to get out of it for good.
Thank you for your thoughts. What terrifies me the most is the struggle insofar as it is very clear how out of control it can get and the lines that potentially will get crossed. It's very clear from reading through many journals that there are some good men here that had clear lines they would never cross yet the did. Equally terrifying is if I catch him lying again....I'm not sure we are going to survive this last lie.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Of course, in the end it’s about quality of life for you as well, and I can imagine the struggle of trying to deal with something like this going on in the mind of another person. Not to mention the effect it must have on you when something goes wrong.

I also think that if he isn’t the one who wants to fix this problem, to get rid of the addiction, then I think it’s going to be incredibly hard for him to get there - even with help.

I have never wanted so badly to fix something in my life as much as this porn addiction, and im struggling to stay with it some days. The addiction has its claws in me deep, and I believe that you really have to want it to get out of it for good.
Question for you and any other recovering partners out there, on the topic of forcing recovery on him, does it seem fair to say that I need some sort of proof that he’s working on it if I’m going to trust him again? Or is that still requiring him to make an effort that he may not want to put forth? I guess what I mean is should I just let him figure it out and go on being worried?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Sammyjo and My husband is an addict, those are good questions. Obviously I'm commenting on this from the other side, so bare that in mind. Funny thing is my lady and I were just talking about this over the last few days, especially in regards to trusting me and regaining my trust again. It was a great conversation.

Speaking for myself, I am such an independent person, that no matter what I've done, I could never handle my partner treating my like she couldn't trust me or constantly looking over my shoulder. I mean literally, if this happened, I would probably just walk out the door and say, "I love you, I know I fucked up, but this will not work for me. I need a partner in crime and not a mother. Yes I know I fucked up, but I'm not your child." This might sound harsh, and I know pretty much no one on this side of the forum recommends this, but for me, it's the honest damn truth and the only thing that would work for me.

Fortunately my girlfriend feels the same way and has said over and over again, that she could never ask me what I've done on a daily basis or look over my shoulder or my phone etc. Not only does she know that I couldn't handle this, but it's also just not in her personality to do such a thing. Most importantly however, she's also mentioned quite a few times that if she had to constantly monitor me and not trust me, what point would there be in being in this relationship? I couldn't agree more, life's too short to be wasting away with a man or woman who's not trying to fix their shit.

So what did I do to regain my trust without her investigating my shit like a female Sherlock Holmes? I showed her that I cared. I showed her that I was willing to do what it took (probably being on this forum way too much) to let her know that yes, I was doing what was necessary to fix this.

Through all of this, I've hardly said sorry to her, possibly twice. Why? Because words mean nothing, actions everything. What does sorry mean when you go back to your bullshit the next day? Following that thought, the fact that I was the one who brought this up, originally four years ago, and of course, my breach of trust with camgirls a year ago, showed (after the smoke cleared) that I actually gave a fuck and that I was willing to do what was necessary to fix this. I showed up and she saw that and it made her trust me all the more.

I also have to mention that since her and I don't think PMO or even camgirls are cheating, this fact completely changes the dynamic of our situation compared to most people here. It would have been a gigantic difference if she actually thought I had cheated. Our problem was that I broke our trust. She was my partner in crime, and I left her out of my life for a year. Not cool.

So does any of this help you know what to do with you husband? Maybe. He might be like me and really wants you to trust him and believe he's fixing his nonsense. I believe you mentioned once that he's a real go getter, so maybe he's quite independent like myself and really needs some space. Or maybe he's not and you need to figure out what's really going on. By that I mean, not what he "might" be doing, but what's going on in his head - what's going on in his thoughts. Perhaps talk to him and ask him if he doesn't like you monitoring him all the time (I'm not saying you are) what could you both agree on that he could do externally that would show you that he is actually trying to fix this? Never apologize from what you need emotionally from someone. Make some boundaries that you won't look over his shoulder and you will work on trusting him but he does have to do something daily that shows he gives a fuck.

For the first couple of months I did talk to her daily about this book I was reading by myself. I didn't even think the book was that great (pretty fucking cheesy to be honest) but it did show her that, yes I care, yes I'm here, and yes this book is silly, but you and I are not!

I hope this helps.

Best

Blondie
 
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