I am just a bit older than you, getting a little to close to 57 for my liking at the moment. 5'4" 110lbs (actually 107 after the stress of yesterday), don't have a six pack although been getting back to the gym since getting double boosted for covid. (Of course now that I have a good routine going I have to quarantine
). I am still avoiding looking in the mirror. I feel the way you do - beautiful on the inside, but the outside...I feel like I may have actually developed body dysmorphia from all this.
I have also been looking for a part time job and haven't worked in about 32 years (had a really bad daycare situation, add in moves for husband's job, kids hitting that age where you need to watch for drug use, timing was just never right and then I just didn't need or want to).
I feel like I'm in limbo. The gym has become mentally necessary for me. I was trying to get into a better routine that would allow time for work and still be able to take care of things at home, AND have enough energy left to make sure I wasn't ignoring the husband. Minimum 10 days off from the gym - post menapausal - you lose a LOT of ground in 10 days. So I will have to take a few steps back.
Do you feel like sharing what these are?
It sounds to me like you have a beautiful body and maybe you should start really looking at yourself. I have started to find positives to concentrate on and ignore what I may see as a flaw. Like that I'm 51, that's something that I have started to embrace. I am a woman, not a child. I have lived life, given birth, twice, have survived abuses that most never have to face, I have 2 wonderful grandkids that absolutely love me! I couldn't have those things if I was the children (compared to me) that he used to watch. They have nothing on me! I have morals and my dignity. I won't ever let him take that again or should I say, I will never give those things up for him again!
I have quit going to the gym, too many triggers for me there still, but I have set up a really good gym at home now. He is also not allowed to go to the gym anymore. We agreed to that. I went on marketplace and got us everything we need to workout at home. We also go to state parks together and hike a lot.
I definitely have body dysmorphia. I had it before I met him and his problem made mine worse. I have been skin and bones and still only seen a fat, ugly woman in the mirror. I have learned to fight against that and probably will for the rest of my days here. I have noticed that the more I look at myself and compliment myself, the less I see that "fat, ugly" woman looking back at me. Even if I'm having a bad day, I find one good thing to compliment myself on and remind myself that it truly doesn't matter what he thinks of me. It's work, but like I said before, I won't let his issue or porn take another day from me. (I am also post menopausal due to partial hysterectomy in my early 40`s.)
As for the realistic expectations.
I do not expect him to be able to be ok in places like gyms, malls, beaches. (So, those are things I have to give up for now.)That will take time.
I expect him to respect me at all times, even when I`m not with him.
I don't expect him to be "Better" in 6 months, it could take years.
I don't expect him to know how I`m feeling or what I`m thinking if I don't tell him.
I expect him to be able to be open and honest with me about everything, which is something he is capable of doing if he truly chooses to.
I do not expect myself to "fix" him anymore.
I do expect him to help repair some of the damage he has done to me, but I do not expect him to repair all of it, he can't. Some it falls 100% on me, whether I like it or not.
I do expect myself to continue to improve my own self esteem and value and not get it from him.
I expect him to have bad days and me too.
I don't expect everyday to be perfect or even one with great strides. I`m happy with just a baby step if that's all we can do that day.
The list is long and getting better tuned everyday. It's hard sometimes to know what is his responsibility and what is mine.