Why does his problem leave me feeling so worthless?

[Sammyjo]

@Blondie
As usual, thank you for your thoughts.

Our problem was that I broke our trust. She was my partner in crime, and I left her out of my life for a year. Not cool.

And that my friend is the nuts and bolts of it! I think this is my key.

So what did I do to regain my trust without her investigating my shit like a female Sherlock Holmes? I showed her that I cared. I showed her that I was willing to do what it took (probably being on this forum way too much) to let her know that yes, I was doing what was necessary to fix this.

And this!

Perhaps you should become a counselor!

Your words have me pondering another thing - if he had not hid it from me, if he had not excluded me, would I still consider it cheating? Well, guess I'll never know lol, but it does all come back to trust at this point. And I love what you did to remedy it.

Thank you.

 

[TryingHarder]

Question for you and any other recovering partners out there, on the topic of forcing recovery on him, does it seem fair to say that I need some sort of proof that he’s working on it if I’m going to trust him again?

Yes! What form that proof will take is a conversation you will have to have, but that's not unreasonable.

I don't wish to discuss it too much, but when I was married and started going through counselling for my porn addiction, I went through a profound change through therapy and really unlocked all of the strange doors in my mind that had remained closed for many years. I uncovered the deep, dark secrets that led me into depression and porn. Sadly, my wife didn't support me. (We had a LOT of issues with emotions, so it's not like our marriage was otherwise healthy and then the porn addiction cast a shadow over everything).

Anyway, my point is that you're in this together, and if there's going to be trust and understanding, some proof that your husband cares and is getting his shit together isn't out of bounds.

 

[GBS]

I agree with @TryingHarder. I am 5 months into my recovery and working together and “showing” my wife my progress is key. How do I show it? Firstly I have weekly therapy (not cheap but very important). Early on in that therapy my therapist said there needed to be accountability. My wife liked that. So no deleting history on any devices, all passwords given to her, she can ask to see my phone any time, I can’t take phone, tablet, laptop into the bathroom, she can call me when I am out any time or she can that I send her a picture of where I am.

I also show it by being a better man. I tell my wife what I learn and I practice it in my daily life. It becomes habit.

Soon the most key thing happens and that is you communicate. As long as communication doesn’t break down into rows/argument then you’re part way back.
Also, check out threads from @Gracie she has book recommendations and blogs and all sorts of other tools. All of it helps. Some more than others. Your husband needs to read the literature too. I found it useful. It’s difficult but the books don’t generally tear you down. They say you’re not alone, you’re not a freak, and you can fix this…..you just need iron resolve and a wife who can endure the recovery ( sorry not trying to make a point @TryingHarder ).

 

[TryingHarder]

Recovering from a porn addiction is going to look a little different for everyone, and it will certainly look different from the partner's point of view. The bottom line is: the man with the addiction has to decide that he's done with porn and find the strength to free himself from the addiction.

 

[Gracie]

I just now have time to jump in here. I do want to say in my thread Helping Others, I have some things that are helpful. No one talks about checking out the blog link listed there but it has lots of info and help for both users of porn and their partners. I want to say it took a year before I saw that we might make it through. I was completely devastated. I had a lot of abuse and mistreatment in my life. He had my complete and unfettered trust. The only person in my life I had let all the way in. That was 10 years ago. I trust him now but it is not the same as before. I hold a little back. But as I look back, I know that SOs can make it through. I know marriages can get back on track. It takes time and commitment. It also takes soul searching and truthful communication.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Good to hear that things are moving forward, if slowly. Honestly you don’t deserve to be the one leading this effort, he is the one who should be on here asking for advice - not you.

At the same time I think you’re right in coming here trying to understand, that you want to make it work. Even if he were not to change for the better, at least you get to know that you’re not the one to blame. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t need to think that you’re somehow not good enough.

There comes a point though, where he needs to take charge of the whole situation and have you as support - don’t think that you need to hold all of this up for the both of you. What happens if you get tired? He goes back to his old ways, or does he know what he needs to do and why?

We have had many discussions about what we each want and need. He is understanding now that he has to put in more effort if he truly wants to get better for himself and keep me at the same time. He has stepped up a lot in giving me what I need from him and I have stepped back from telling him what to do. I only tell him what I directly need from him, after all, he can't give me what I don't ask for and he doesn't know what to do. One of my husbands biggest problems has always been that he doesn't understand emotion. That's a big part of why he was able to do what he did to me. (Not just the porn.)
Anyway, he is trying really hard and doing so much better at getting better everyday. He gets up at 5am to read or do "homework" before going to work, he goes to his Counceling, we go to Celebrate Recovery together, have found a mentor couple to help us navigate this. I finally start with Trauma Counceling this week.
For the first time in our 25 year marriage, I feel like he is finally seeing me, hearing me and really caring about me. When he heard the words from a counselor for the first time that he was a sex addict (He only watched porn, no in person interactions), it floored him and me. Neither of us ever heard of it. Both of us even denied it for the first couple of weeks until we started to get real information about it. Then we had to admit that it fit and it explained so much about him and our marriage. That was 5 months ago. We each believe that we have made great strides since that day, but know that we have many more to take. I see and feel true remorse in his eyes, but I won't be fooled again. I believe what he says, but with a grain of salt.
I have told him exactly what I need and can take and when he messes up, I call him out right then. I used to just take it and not say anything. I cannot go back to what we were. My heart can't take it and I don't deserve it. I want our marriage to work just as much as I have for the last 25 years and I will do everything in my power to do it. He knows exactly what I need, expect and the consequences if he does`t do it. The choice to be my husband or not is up to him.

 

[My husband is an addict]

I agree with @TryingHarder. I am 5 months into my recovery and working together and “showing” my wife my progress is key. How do I show it? Firstly I have weekly therapy (not cheap but very important). Early on in that therapy my therapist said there needed to be accountability. My wife liked that. So no deleting history on any devices, all passwords given to her, she can ask to see my phone any time, I can’t take phone, tablet, laptop into the bathroom, she can call me when I am out any time or she can that I send her a picture of where I am.

I also show it by being a better man. I tell my wife what I learn and I practice it in my daily life. It becomes habit.

Soon the most key thing happens and that is you communicate. As long as communication doesn’t break down into rows/argument then you’re part way back.
Also, check out threads from @Gracie she has book recommendations and blogs and all sorts of other tools. All of it helps. Some more than others. Your husband needs to read the literature too. I found it useful. It’s difficult but the books don’t generally tear you down. They say you’re not alone, you’re not a freak, and you can fix this…..you just need iron resolve and a wife who can endure the recovery ( sorry not trying to make a point @TryingHarder ).

We are also 5 months into our recovery and we are handling it much like you and your wife. My husband, now that he has a better understanding of what has been happening to him slowly over the last 45 years, is waking up to what he needs to do for himself, me and our 25 year marriage. It is such a relief for both us to know what has been eating away at our marriage all of these years. I never knew exactly what he was doing. I knew that he was becoming more and more cold, mean and distant to me and the kids. He worked in Afghanistan for YEARS, so he was left unchecked. I just knew that every time he came home on leave he was more and more distant. Wouldn't touch me at all unless he was drunk when we would go on vacation to the Caribbean. He always made me feel like it was because of me, I gained a little weight, I wasn't 25 anymore, I asked for too much attention. Always an excuse to not touch me. That happened for the last 8 years before discovery. The only thing that made it somewhat tolerable was that I only saw him 2-3 times a year. Looking back, it was such a sad existence.
He is accountable to me everyday. He wanted me to put blockers on everything so that I could feel more confident that he isn't doing anything.
He reads a lot, does workbooks and goes to Counceling every week, like you said, it's not cheap, but it's so necessary. We read some of the same books and discuss them as we go along. We have found that helpful to understand each others side of this beast. I want to understand, to the best of my ability, what has caused so much pain in our lives and he wants to understand the trauma he has caused me. We go together weekly to Celebrate Recovery and have found a mentor couple to help us navigate this better together. I`ve had a hard time finding a trauma counselor for myself, but finally did and start with her this week. I have been seeing a counselor, but she doesn't specialize in trauma. I was willing to take what I could get until I could find the right one. He tells me everyday that he choses me. He shows me that day that he chose me. I also do my best to show him that I choose him. One day at a time.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Yes! What form that proof will take is a conversation you will have to have, but that's not unreasonable.

I don't wish to discuss it too much, but when I was married and started going through counselling for my porn addiction, I went through a profound change through therapy and really unlocked all of the strange doors in my mind that had remained closed for many years. I uncovered the deep, dark secrets that led me into depression and porn. Sadly, my wife didn't support me. (We had a LOT of issues with emotions, so it's not like our marriage was otherwise healthy and then the porn addiction cast a shadow over everything).

Anyway, my point is that you're in this together, and if there's going to be trust and understanding, some proof that your husband cares and is getting his shit together isn't out of bounds.

Hey Sammyjo and My husband is an addict, those are good questions. Obviously I'm commenting on this from the other side, so bare that in mind. Funny thing is my lady and I were just talking about this over the last few days, especially in regards to trusting me and regaining my trust again. It was a great conversation.

Speaking for myself, I am such an independent person, that no matter what I've done, I could never handle my partner treating my like she couldn't trust me or constantly looking over my shoulder. I mean literally, if this happened, I would probably just walk out the door and say, "I love you, I know I fucked up, but this will not work for me. I need a partner in crime and not a mother. Yes I know I fucked up, but I'm not your child." This might sound harsh, and I know pretty much no one on this side of the forum recommends this, but for me, it's the honest damn truth and the only thing that would work for me.

Fortunately my girlfriend feels the same way and has said over and over again, that she could never ask me what I've done on a daily basis or look over my shoulder or my phone etc. Not only does she know that I couldn't handle this, but it's also just not in her personality to do such a thing. Most importantly however, she's also mentioned quite a few times that if she had to constantly monitor me and not trust me, what point would there be in being in this relationship? I couldn't agree more, life's too short to be wasting away with a man or woman who's not trying to fix their shit.

So what did I do to regain my trust without her investigating my shit like a female Sherlock Holmes? I showed her that I cared. I showed her that I was willing to do what it took (probably being on this forum way too much) to let her know that yes, I was doing what was necessary to fix this.

Through all of this, I've hardly said sorry to her, possibly twice. Why? Because words mean nothing, actions everything. What does sorry mean when you go back to your bullshit the next day? Following that thought, the fact that I was the one who brought this up, originally four years ago, and of course, my breach of trust with camgirls a year ago, showed (after the smoke cleared) that I actually gave a fuck and that I was willing to do what was necessary to fix this. I showed up and she saw that and it made her trust me all the more.

I also have to mention that since her and I don't think PMO or even camgirls are cheating, this fact completely changes the dynamic of our situation compared to most people here. It would have been a gigantic difference if she actually thought I had cheated. Our problem was that I broke our trust. She was my partner in crime, and I left her out of my life for a year. Not cool.

So does any of this help you know what to do with you husband? Maybe. He might be like me and really wants you to trust him and believe he's fixing his nonsense. I believe you mentioned once that he's a real go getter, so maybe he's quite independent like myself and really needs some space. Or maybe he's not and you need to figure out what's really going on. By that I mean, not what he "might" be doing, but what's going on in his head - what's going on in his thoughts. Perhaps talk to him and ask him if he doesn't like you monitoring him all the time (I'm not saying you are) what could you both agree on that he could do externally that would show you that he is actually trying to fix this? Never apologize from what you need emotionally from someone. Make some boundaries that you won't look over his shoulder and you will work on trusting him but he does have to do something daily that shows he gives a fuck.

For the first couple of months I did talk to her daily about this book I was reading by myself. I didn't even think the book was that great (pretty fucking cheesy to be honest) but it did show her that, yes I care, yes I'm here, and yes this book is silly, but you and I are not!

I hope this helps.

Best

Blondie

Hi Blondie,
My husband and I are different than you and your girlfriend. I see ours as, "It's a marriage and he made certain vows (promises) to me." I expected him to keep them, I did. That was not unrealistic.
I have always viewed porn in any form as a form of adultery. He knew that long before we even started dating. I knew him for 3 years as close friends before we finally got together. I find masturbating a form of cheating as well. Basically, anything that is supposed to be reserved for a husband and wife (or couple). The big "O" is something that is supposed to be special and held close, doing it yourself cheapens it to me. I feel like doing it in any way that doesn't include your spouse (partner) is cheating. I`m sure this all sounds crazy, prudish or old fashioned, and maybe it is, but that's how I have always felt and he knew it. I never hid any aspect of myself from him and thought that he had done the same.
I don't babysit him, but I do hold him accountable, every minute of everyday. Minute by minute he has decisions to make, me or "them." The least he could do after the hurt he has caused is to tell me how he is doing, how he feels, if he slipped, the truth about EVERYTHING, what he's doing to get better and what he's doing to help repair our marriage and me. I deserve truth and I have the right to live my life in an honest form. His deceit stole a lot of years from me. I won't let it steal one more minute.
We talk daily about our issues. Some are fights and some are great discussions. We find it good to stay "in touch" with each other daily. We are learning a lot about this addiction, ourselves and how to work through it together. It may sound crazy, but even our fights get us closer to healing. I know that may not make sense, but I am a woman that has lived some years and through a lot of abuse my entire life. When I let out my anger, it gets me closer to forgiveness. After all, anger is really just a lot of hurt. He needs to hear how deeply he has hurt me and I need to say it. We actually come out closer at the end of it. I realize that isn't necessarily true for everyone, it's just what works for us.
It has only been 5 months since discovery, but it feels like years. We have truly come a long way in a short amount of time, but we also try to stay realistic about it. What I can say for a fact today is that, I still love him and I believe in him.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate anyone that offers sincere advice, knowledge or understanding.

My Husband is an Addict

 

[My husband is an addict]

Of course, in the end it’s about quality of life for you as well, and I can imagine the struggle of trying to deal with something like this going on in the mind of another person. Not to mention the effect it must have on you when something goes wrong.

I also think that if he isn’t the one who wants to fix this problem, to get rid of the addiction, then I think it’s going to be incredibly hard for him to get there - even with help.

I have never wanted so badly to fix something in my life as much as this porn addiction, and im struggling to stay with it some days. The addiction has its claws in me deep, and I believe that you really have to want it to get out of it for good.

My husband says that he isn't struggling that much. He is confused about it so he asked his counselor about it. He said it's because he doesn't have anymore secrets and doesn't need to medicate himself anymore. He is also starting, with the counselor, to figure out why it started in the first place. He definitely had childhood traumas that left him feeling abandoned. He needed love and closeness and didn't get it. My husband has been troubled by this for the better part of 45 years. His biggest hurdle is looking at women in public. He said even that isn't a big struggle. He says that if he even thinks about it for a split second, he says, "I choose my wife." he says that helps him a lot. He is doing really good, but that will be the last of this devil to go and we both accept that. But, I can't see "it" if he slips. That has traumatized me more over the years than porn. That was in my face.

I am proud of the work he is putting in and progress he has made. I make sure to tell him that all the time. We have a very long way to go, but he is more the husband he should have been than ever before and I`m grateful for that.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Thank you for your thoughts. What terrifies me the most is the struggle insofar as it is very clear how out of control it can get and the lines that potentially will get crossed. It's very clear from reading through many journals that there are some good men here that had clear lines they would never cross yet the did. Equally terrifying is if I catch him lying again....I'm not sure we are going to survive this last lie.

I know exactly what you mean. I don't think that I could survive another blow.

 

[My husband is an addict]

Recovering from a porn addiction is going to look a little different for everyone, and it will certainly look different from the partner's point of view. The bottom line is: the man with the addiction has to decide that he's done with porn and find the strength to free himself from the addiction.

ABSOLUTELY!

 

[My husband is an addict]

I agree with @TryingHarder. I am 5 months into my recovery and working together and “showing” my wife my progress is key. How do I show it? Firstly I have weekly therapy (not cheap but very important). Early on in that therapy my therapist said there needed to be accountability. My wife liked that. So no deleting history on any devices, all passwords given to her, she can ask to see my phone any time, I can’t take phone, tablet, laptop into the bathroom, she can call me when I am out any time or she can that I send her a picture of where I am.

I also show it by being a better man. I tell my wife what I learn and I practice it in my daily life. It becomes habit.

Soon the most key thing happens and that is you communicate. As long as communication doesn’t break down into rows/argument then you’re part way back.
Also, check out threads from @Gracie she has book recommendations and blogs and all sorts of other tools. All of it helps. Some more than others. Your husband needs to read the literature too. I found it useful. It’s difficult but the books don’t generally tear you down. They say you’re not alone, you’re not a freak, and you can fix this…..you just need iron resolve and a wife who can endure the recovery ( sorry not trying to make a point @TryingHarder ).

Sorry, new here. How do I find the threads you mentioned???

 

[GBS]

If you want to read what @Gracie has said and posted, there’s lots of ways to find hers. Most of them are in the Partners of Rebooters and Addicts section- you can just use the ”find” facility at the top. If @Gracie reads this I bet she’ll help.

 

[My husband is an addict]

If you want to read what @Gracie has said and posted, there’s lots of ways to find hers. Most of them are in the Partners of Rebooters and Addicts section- you can just use the ”find” facility at the top. If @Gracie reads this I bet she’ll help.

Thank you!!

 

[Sammyjo]

Middle of the night seems to be a problem. I don't know if I'm having bad dreams or if my brain is just processing stuff. I frequently wake up with angry thoughts or questions.

Last night I had just fallen asleep and woke up with a jolt, I had images of LOTS of women/girls (porn type pics) flashing through my head with my husband getting off to them. My heart hurt all over again.

A month ago I would've gone to the couch. Instead I got up and wrote him a letter to read in the morning. (No sense in both of us getting no sleep, there's been too many nights like that.) The images lost their grip on my brain and heart and I was able to sleep well the rest of the night.

We will see what the rest of the day brings.