Hey Sammyjo and My husband is an addict, those are good questions. Obviously I'm commenting on this from the other side, so bare that in mind. Funny thing is my lady and I were just talking about this over the last few days, especially in regards to trusting me and regaining my trust again. It was a great conversation.
Speaking for myself, I am such an independent person, that no matter what I've done, I could never handle my partner treating my like she couldn't trust me or constantly looking over my shoulder. I mean literally, if this happened, I would probably just walk out the door and say, "I love you, I know I fucked up, but this will not work for me. I need a partner in crime and not a mother. Yes I know I fucked up, but I'm not your child." This might sound harsh, and I know pretty much no one on this side of the forum recommends this, but for me, it's the honest damn truth and the only thing that would work for me.
Fortunately my girlfriend feels the same way and has said over and over again, that she could never ask me what I've done on a daily basis or look over my shoulder or my phone etc. Not only does she know that I couldn't handle this, but it's also just not in her personality to do such a thing. Most importantly however, she's also mentioned quite a few times that if she had to constantly monitor me and not trust me, what point would there be in being in this relationship? I couldn't agree more, life's too short to be wasting away with a man or woman who's not trying to fix their shit.
So what did I do to regain my trust without her investigating my shit like a female Sherlock Holmes? I showed her that I cared. I showed her that I was willing to do what it took (probably being on this forum way too much) to let her know that yes, I was doing what was necessary to fix this.
Through all of this, I've hardly said sorry to her, possibly twice. Why? Because words mean nothing, actions everything. What does sorry mean when you go back to your bullshit the next day? Following that thought, the fact that I was the one who brought this up, originally four years ago, and of course, my breach of trust with camgirls a year ago, showed (after the smoke cleared) that I actually gave a fuck and that I was willing to do what was necessary to fix this. I showed up and she saw that and it made her trust me all the more.
I also have to mention that since her and I don't think PMO or even camgirls are cheating, this fact completely changes the dynamic of our situation compared to most people here. It would have been a gigantic difference if she actually thought I had cheated. Our problem was that I broke our trust. She was my partner in crime, and I left her out of my life for a year. Not cool.
So does any of this help you know what to do with you husband? Maybe. He might be like me and really wants you to trust him and believe he's fixing his nonsense. I believe you mentioned once that he's a real go getter, so maybe he's quite independent like myself and really needs some space. Or maybe he's not and you need to figure out what's really going on. By that I mean, not what he "might" be doing, but what's going on in his head - what's going on in his thoughts. Perhaps talk to him and ask him if he doesn't like you monitoring him all the time (I'm not saying you are) what could you both agree on that he could do externally that would show you that he is actually trying to fix this? Never apologize from what you need emotionally from someone. Make some boundaries that you won't look over his shoulder and you will work on trusting him but he does have to do something daily that shows he gives a fuck.
For the first couple of months I did talk to her daily about this book I was reading by myself. I didn't even think the book was that great (pretty fucking cheesy to be honest) but it did show her that, yes I care, yes I'm here, and yes this book is silly, but you and I are not!
I hope this helps.
Best
Blondie