I will make it -- Looking forward to taking my life back

First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 153 -- Huh I MO'd today with only a minor bit of trouble fairly buzzed. I remember something like 5yrs ago once MO'ing while buzzed even with porn and it took me iike 30min to finish and I kept going soft a bunch. I went soft a bit maybe like twice but was able to MO in like 10min...without any porn in front of me and a pretty natural sexual encounter. There really is something to all of this. Progress is NOT linear but it does happen if you are patient
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 154 -- MO was weaker today vs. yesterday. I really don't get this stuff sometimes, yesterday I was also buzzed but wasn't much of an issue. Today I'm sober and it was a challenge. I really wonder if I need to take a cleanse from MO honestly
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Yeah man, I understand what you're saying here. I sometimes wonder what I would do if I didn't have a sexual outlet with my girlfriend. I think the best thing to remember is that our battle is with porn (for the most part) and as long as we can stay away from that filth, we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves otherwise.

Keep killing it and learning more about yourself.

Best
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 155 - I want to do the hard 90 days until Jan 15, starting tomorrow. While I've definitely improved a ton vs. pre reboot, there's still a ways to go. I think the fastest way to get there is to do hard mode. The other thing is, while I don't have social media, when I see videos of scantily clad women I definitely get super turned on very quickly sometimes. Maybe this is just a consequence of being out of flatline, I need to take a cleanse here to accelerate my healing. I'm also getting back to a healthy weight ever so slowly & starting to do more cardio / gradual return to lifting, so I'm hoping all of this helps smooth the path. But the #1 thing is staying away from porn of course and after that, may be giving time away from MO

Other reason I'm trying to get away from MO is I noticed some porn pathway similarities where if I see a hot girl outside, sometimes I'll want to come home and MO. This is the same behavior I had with porn except MO'ing using porn. I want to break away from this. I think also my MO fantasies are getting less realistic in some ways. Not in terms of the actual content but the speed of moving from 1 thing to the next without pause and without a ton of foreplay, which is not a natural encounter. So this is another reason why I feel it's best to take a break for some time. It'll be very, very hard but my boy SmokenMirrors is doing something similar as well. I want to be my best self and this is the way to get there

My sex dreams have also gone away, I think due to the more frequent MO'ing. Hoping to get ease back and finally a wet dream during this next phase. I'm excited for the future, it'll be hard but I think doing at least 1 hard mode -- esp at the stage I'm in now -- is going to be something I'll be very glad I did later. Godspeed
 
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First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Blondie said:
Yeah man, I understand what you're saying here. I sometimes wonder what I would do if I didn't have a sexual outlet with my girlfriend. I think the best thing to remember is that our battle is with porn (for the most part) and as long as we can stay away from that filth, we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves otherwise.

Keep killing it and learning more about yourself.

Best
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Thank you man, totally agreed. I think hard mode is just something I need to do, I've thought about it multiple times (since I think like day 80ish) but I'm convinced of it now. As always, love your support brother. We all have different journeys I suppose. I won't be too hard on myself as you've said but this hard mode has been an aspiration of mine which has been surprisingly hard to implement -- it's a test of willpower for me as well. Onwards my friend!
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
First_step_thousand_miles said:
I won't be too hard on myself as you've said but this hard mode has been an aspiration of mine which has been surprisingly hard to implement
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I know speaking for myself, if your heart really wants it, then you must go for it and give it hell!

Honestly speaking, I've never done a full 90 days no O either, and I've always wanted to, only 60. Maybe I should try it as well?

Keep killing it.
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 156 -- 1st Day no MO. Man it's been weird for some reason where I feel the urge to MO way more often than is healthy. My natural sex drive is not that high, I'm hoping to reset it over the next 90 days as I do hard mode. Onwards
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 159 -- No MO since Day 156. Trigger warning ahead -- had the weirdest dream last night. Not a sex dream exactly, it was a dream of watching porn but with some weird twist to it. Basically was some kind of Russian propaganda Putin put out about attractive women boning soldiers that came home after fighting in Ukraine. I felt like I was watching a porn ad where this insanely attractive women was, to put delicately, getting attention from multiple soldiers.

Trigger done -- I also remember in the dream that it felt like I was watching porn and tried to justify it saying 'it's fine as long as I don't finish' but in my head I knew it was wrong. Glad I didn't succumb. The porn flashbacks / memories are definitely hitting these days (maybe because I'm doing hard mode but they have been more intense that I'd like for probably the past month now). Regardless, they're much easier to deal with now than at the beginning of the process. So it's not like fighting a bear, but not quite like squishing a gnat either -- maybe something more in the middle.

I can definitely tell that the porn memories are there beneath the surface with all the associated fetishes that we have (all those categories we all know), neural pathways take time to rewire I guess. Much better now vs. before but it would be false to say they're 100% of even 90% gone (maybe 50% gone right now), but that said I'm only a little over 5 months in. Need to get to the point where all this is brushed aside and I just find decent looking girls to be incredibly attractive.

This just takes time. In meantime, I'm exercising much more these days -- will journal in on my progress here. I'm keeping busy seeing friends every weekend, I go in to work every day (even though I can work remotely 3 days a week) for the social interaction, I call up friends / family regularly, very early stages of learning how to cook, and doing a bunch of reading. I'm realizing that even though I'm not 100% rounded out, I'm actually reasonably happy at the moment (maybe a 6-7?). In a year I'd love to get to an 8-9 level, and quitting P is a huge part of making this happen. The rest is doing all of these other things. I know I can make it
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Still day 160 -- sheesh, definitely horny. Quite a few porn flashbacks are hitting as well. With the dream a few days ago you could really see my porn pathways try to light up & recreate something, super glad I didn't though. Time is such a precious resources, and succumbing to porn means all that time would've been wasted. I CANNOT let that be the case. I'm not some 20 year old with all the time in the world, I want to get my act together and move on like a man in his mid-20s (almost late 20s!) should in a world without porn

I committed to the 90 days and I damn sure am going to do it.
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 162 -- Man, some bad news / realizations today. First of all, let me preface and say I did NOT PMO thankfully. But to be honest, I got desperately horny and viewed a bunch of IG-model type content online several times this week which I know partially reactivated my porn pathways. I thought 'what's the harm' but now I'm shaking my head thinking about how moronic I was. I did this maybe a few times in the past 2 months but it really started escalating in past few weeks. I feel awful about this now, though very glad I did't PMO to any of it. I did MO a few times to IRL girls but even there the erections were not very hard (which I think is a symptom of browsing through this BS). Even my MO sessions, while still tame enough (no porn star fantasy stuff) included more uncommon positions (standing up against a wall) vs. before where everything would occur on the bed

Made me realize something. While I still need to muster up the motivation, I know for certain now I need to do a 90 day hard mode reboot. I've set my progress back by doing this for sure as I've needed to MO to hotter & hotter girls (vs. some time back where a regular cute girl would be enough) & the erections are still not as strong -- the above is the only thing I can think of that would've caused this. MO's also feel like they are controlling me (rushing home to MO) vs me controlling it. I also feel like I'm putting way too much emphasis on ass these days as well vs. appreciated women holistically (fetishizing parts is a key symptom of still having PIED)

The hard mode is not a 'nice to have' for me, but a 'must have' if I want to make it. I need to come up with a game plan on this with regards to what to do when horny. I refuse to flush all my progress down the drain. Today is a low point guys, feels terrible. I really, really want a normal sex life with a girl I care about. I know I'm farther along than when I started for sure, but sadly not as far as I would be if I hadn't made these mistakes. Rough stuff...don't worry though guys, I won't resort to PMO (I don't have any urge to use porn) as a way to compensate and feel better
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @First_step_thousand_miles, your honesty here is great, because we've all been there, and know what you mean. Looking in places we never should have been in, and kicking ourselves for days afterwards. I know all about this, and yes, it's no fun. But in the end, all that matters is that you pulled through and escaped and did not look at porn. 👍 👍 So give yourself a little praise for that one, because that's the main goal and you pulled through.

Sure, maybe it's a little setback, but nothing crazy, so make sure you don't let your mind talk you in to doing more, because "well, you've alreadly "fucked up" so might as well go all the way!" I've been there and done that and that's definitely not a road you want to go down. You haven't fucked up, so keep on going.

Maybe you're right, 90 days hard mode would be the right thing for you.

You got this man, and after those 90 days, women should be flocking to you! :cool:

Best
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Blondie said:
Hey @First_step_thousand_miles, your honesty here is great, because we've all been there, and know what you mean. Looking in places we never should have been in, and kicking ourselves for days afterwards. I know all about this, and yes, it's no fun. But in the end, all that matters is that you pulled through and escaped and did not look at porn. 👍 👍 So give yourself a little praise for that one, because that's the main goal and you pulled through.

Sure, maybe it's a little setback, but nothing crazy, so make sure you don't let your mind talk you in to doing more, because "well, you've alreadly "fucked up" so might as well go all the way!" I've been there and done that and that's definitely not a road you want to go down. You haven't fucked up, so keep on going.

Maybe you're right, 90 days hard mode would be the right thing for you.

You got this man, and after those 90 days, women should be flocking to you! :cool:

Best
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Thank you so much Blondie for your kind words and support. For sure man, viewing porn is a line I am determined to never cross. That said, these slip-ups are dangerous because they bring us closer to the edge -- I could see the rationalization being "hey it's harder now to MO without porn, so I need to use it" and then end up being filled with regret for having thrown away 5+ months of work. I think smooth sailing probably takes 1+yr, maybe longer. That said I know I've made it this far & I know the process is working, I just need to get my head on straight. Much love brother!
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
One more thing I'd add -- not sure why, but when I MO like the 2nd or 3rd time in same day (or after a few bad initial MO's after not doing it for a while), the subsequent erections are waaaaaay better. I MO'd tonight a 3rd time (I know, getting it out of my system) and I was like pretty darn hard. Barely had to do much stroking at all and was hard

I think (not sure) it's because I'm more relaxed after the 1st MO and I know the next ones will be better. I have a tendency to get in my head & worry about the erection (which naturally kills its quality) vs being in the moment. Otherwise not sure what could cause this. Anyway, it happens a LOT like this such that it's a pattern. I think I need to live in the moment more / exercise more vigorously (which gets the dopamine to one's brain and relaxes). I think erections for me are actually often better after working out as my mind is relaxed. Anyway just an interesting thing
 
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