I will make it -- Looking forward to taking my life back

Day 182 -- Well had sex today. Puts and takes honestly but overall have to admit it was pretty positive! So I didn't need Viagra at all (like I needed in the past), I was able to get hard, and I finished (first time I've ever finished having sex) to cowgirl. Honestly came within like a min of having sex too lol. So pretty big signs of progress here. Now on the flip side, it definitely wasn't 100% by any stretch. I wasn't hard the entire time and definitely got soft a bunch, so definitely a ways to go. I think I really need to rewire honestly but this was a one-off total luck encounter

I really do need to find a steady girl to rewire with. On other stuff, I can definitely keep working out (cardio is great for erections) / losing weight (another big one) which I'll do. Maybe even throw in kegels. But more time would be good as it's still only been 6 months (though VERY strong signs of progress -- when I first started even with viagra I could barely get hard!). I'm finally comfortable saying that my brain is well past the 50% healed point with confidence, though who knows how much past that point (could be 55% or could be 75%, I dunno)

Overall hard to say I feel victorious or anything given it wasn't 100% or even 90% (my recent erections to MO also a bit weaker though still stronger vs MO erections I had prior to what I experienced in past week or so). If there's anything I've learned on the process it's ebbs and flows, gotta roll with the punches and take it slow
 
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Day 198 -- Accidentally clicked into some erotica while searching for some regular fiction online to read. Ended up reading for like 2 min and got turned on before I had the sense to click off of it. Didn't PMO to it of course but wow, even after this long the pathways are still there. Not as strong as before when it felt almost impossible to stop PMO'ing (thank God) but it's definitely lurking at times

Got to be wary and stay off this shit. Even now, it would be so easy to slip back into it but I will NOT do that. I've come so far and I'm not some 18 year old boy with all the time in the world. I'm a 26 year old man who wants to move on with my life and one day be truly content.

Anyway just a reminder to be careful even when I've come so far. Fuck porn, I'm never going back
 
Day 199 -- Think I'm in a flatline, dong looked shrunken. MO'd today but was much harder to get hard and stay hard. Now that I know what a true libido feels like (given the really strong series of MO's some few weeks back), I know what the benchmark is. It's a bumpy path but I won't settle for anything less. Just takes time
 
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Posting twice today. Got to be honest, I feel like absolute crap today. I feel like I'm running in place with a lot of my goals (recovery from PIED, losing weight, moving on with my life). I guess everyone has their low points but it just really hit me in past few hours...

I've been tempted to watch porn past few days (not so much today) to just find that excitement but I know that road leads nowhere. For now just feel kind of shitty, the feeling of staying in place vs. moving forward just feels terrible. I think I really need to redouble my efforts. Anyway just a real low moment
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hang in there my friend. Sometimes when we feel like we're spinning wheels, it's best to let off the gas so as to find our traction again. It's times like this where I've made the most progress when I just slowed down, took a deep breath and pushed on through to the other side. Then, after a few days, or maybe a week, that's when I saw the greatest progress in my recovery.

Bless you.

Blondie
 
Hang in there my friend. Sometimes when we feel like we're spinning wheels, it's best to let off the gas so as to find our traction again. It's times like this where I've made the most progress when I just slowed down, took a deep breath and pushed on through to the other side. Then, after a few days, or maybe a week, that's when I saw the greatest progress in my recovery.

Bless you.

Blondie
Love you man, thank you so damn much for the support. Yeah after posting that I worked out and felt way better, then ended up hanging out with a friend which all helped a ton. In a much better place today. Like you say, maybe taking a breather and relaxing is good.

I know this process is not linear mentally, just psychologically yesterday my brain didn't seem to get it and I felt all shitty. You are truly the man, thanks so much for the kind words my friend
 
Yessir! Great to have gotten this far and I've been thinking about posting a reflection at 200 days but think I'll hold off for a more meaningful milestone or when I'm in a strong headspace. 200 is an arbitrary milestone in a lot of ways -- don't get me wrong, it's an accomplishment but maybe I don't feel as accomplished I guess? For instance, I didn't really feel accomplished at 180 days but the week later when I MO'd with strong erections that's when I felt really good about my progress. So maybe just giving it time and waiting before getting to something like that if it makes sense

That said, thanks a bunch brother! Great to get here and to go through this journey with you. Thankful for you and this forum that helps us all become better men
 
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