I will make it -- Looking forward to taking my life back

[Blondie]

Great to hear @First_step_thousand_miles.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 286 -- Feeling even better than yesterday, guess it's the combo of Pax + having Covid before last summer where it was the same general variant (Omicron). Feels awesome to be getting better so quickly, I'm going to resume mild exercise (just walking) for the next couple days and get my body acclimated to moving around again. Excited to get back into the groove of working out again. Just to verbalize my goals again, aiming to lose 1-1.5 belt sizes by end of April and another by end of June (16-20lb total) and recoup a good portion with mass. After that, would finally love to quit this cutting mode and return to maintenance / bulk (way nicer eating 2500 calories vs. 1800 haha)

Having some urges here and there but still pretty mild. I forgot to journal but I have had some random boners in the past few weeks as well, guess that's another sign of healing. Sometimes the pace of progress is a bit frustrating, especially so late in the game, but it is what it is. Time & rewiring (supported by regular exercise and maybe kegels) should all help facilitate getting back to 100%. Just gotta keep the faith, it's gotten me this far and judging by my man king Blondie there's a much higher level to aspire to. Let's get after it

 

[Blondie]

I hope those small urges have have hit the dust!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

I hope those small urges have have hit the dust!

Haha they are pretty resistible fortunately, nowhere near the urges I used to have. I think not MO'ing has reawakened them a bit, but nothing I can't handle sir!

There are some urges that if I dwell on them they do get stronger, but I think I've only been getting 'tempted' maybe once in the past month when I was drunk -- amazing how drinking lowers your exhibitions so much. I'm not a heavy drinker by any means, but might be good to keep it de minimus in the first year of the reboot just to really stay in control. Last Oct I remember getting drunk and looking up pics of IG girls for a while...really crappy stuff. I didn't PMO to it or anything, but I could feel that 'addiction' running through me where my heart was pounding and yada yada you know the rest. Giving in to this stuff feels exciting / thrilling in the moment, but in the long-term just sucks the absolute life out of you

I think since January at least I haven't had any moments like that. All part of healing...

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 287 -- No MO since Day 273 (15 days off). There have been some urges to MO but generally small, at the very least I want to make it to Day 30 of no MO and ideally shoot for Day 90.

I know it's not necessary to the healing and call me childish, but I do want to see if I can get a real wet dream if I abstain from MO for a while. I just remember having those when I was 17/18 and had never PMO'd before then. I know it's kind of strange to want to see something in your boxers in the morning, but to me it marks another checkpoint of progress. Not really an issue if it doesn't happen but it's something I'd like to see. During my initial days of reboot I stayed off MO for some 40 days and hadn't seen anything, might need to go a fair bit farther than that

 

[Blondie]

I know it's not necessary to the healing and call me childish, but I do want to see if I can get a real wet dream if I abstain from MO for a while.

I don't think this is childish at all. If it will happen or not, is another matter though. I can't even tell you the last time I had a wet dream, I should think about this.

I hope you had a great weekend @First_step_thousand_miles!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

I don't think this is childish at all. If it will happen or not, is another matter though. I can't even tell you the last time I had a wet dream, I should think about this.

I hope you had a great weekend @First_step_thousand_miles!

Thanks brother! We all have our wishes and goals I suppose, love your support as always!!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 291 -- No MO since Day 273 so been almost three weeks. It's getting tortuous in some ways by this point as I feel like I'm almost regressing by random bursts of horniness. Not as strong as the early porn cravings (thank god) but still stronger than the average 0-2 levels I've had for the past few months as my brain's chemicals have begun normalizing. Just seeing an attractive girl walk by these days I feel like a creep because I can't take my eyes off. No MO is seriously hard because there is no outlet for your sexual energy, in hindsight surprised I lasted some 40 odd days in initial days of my reboot. I at the very least want to get to 30 days but to be honest really want to get to 90 if possible

Also my birthday was yesterday as well so officially 27. I honestly feel a bit disappointed, feel like if I was asked 5yrs ago I'd be more along on my life right now. I guess career is going decently -- not truly stellar but pretty solid all things considered -- but I'm unhappy with both my physical fitness and about not really being with a girl I care about. There's some other stuff I suppose but those are minor and I'm working on it, these are the big two.

I'm going to take something positive out of all this though as life has its challenges, but it's about what you do with them -- do you sit here in a pity party or do you work to improve yourself to get to where you want to go? Sometimes you need a day / few days for the pity (just being honest), but you gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward after that. I'm going to keep working on all the goals I mentioned but I vow that by my birthday next year I want to a) get to 12-13% body fat (I estimate I'm high-teens today but not totally sure) and b) want to be in a relationship (I won't just settle for a crappy one for the sake of it of course, but it's more about getting out there and shooting my shot).

I'm very proud of what I've done over the past year. My big accomplishments have been:

1. First and foremost, nearly 300 days porn free! It's already improved my life and I feel more ready to take on the world
2. Passing that industry exam I mentioned last yr
3. Getting started on my fat loss goals and making some decent progress
4. Starting to really travel (both across US and the world) as I've always wanted to do but for some reason always stopped myself from
5. Making new friends and enriching my old friendships (and with my parents)

This next year is going to be even more ambitious in terms of goals but honestly looking at what I accomplished in 2022 I think my 2023 goals are -- while challenging -- within reason. Got to get after it. I can see myself now being 28 and looking back on all of this from when I was 27 -- I really want to be able to say when this time rolls around next year that I accomplished ALL of the goals I mentioned. No more compromises. I'm going to do it all

 

[Blondie]

Day 291, congrats @First_step_thousand_miles! 300 is right around the corner. And Happy Birthday as well. I actually remember the day I turned 27 for some reason and I remember also feeling really "old". Well, now I'm 40 so I can tell you you're not old brother. They're really just numbers, that's all they are. They keep getting higher and higher but I still feel about the same, and these days more healthy too. I know it can be frustrating getting older, and not having all yours goals accomplished or a girlfriend etc., but you really are young, and you have plenty of time, trust me. I know it's hard to see people and friends who are young and getting married around you with kids and all, and you feel somehow like you're "behind" or something. Trust me, focus on yourself, do what you want to do, and start dating and just see what happens. I remember the day I turned 30 I was scared out of my mind thinking I was so fucking old, and that no girl would want to date me blah blah blah. Furthermore, I had just broken up with my fiancé and was wondering what the fuck had I just done? Funny enough, after getting out of my head and out into the world, I started dating better than I ever had before, and to my great surprise, women still wanted me (not all mind you, but enough!), both in their 20s or 30s. I also learned as an older man, that many women in their 20s didn't mind at all, since you're a little older than the guys their age and you have your shit together, or hopefully.

Thus, let us get our shit together!

These are all good things my man. All good things.

Best

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 291, congrats @First_step_thousand_miles! 300 is right around the corner. And Happy Birthday as well. I actually remember the day I turned 27 for some reason and I remember also feeling really "old". Well, now I'm 40 so I can tell you you're not old brother. They're really just numbers, that's all they are. They keep getting higher and higher but I still feel about the same, and these days more healthy too. I know it can be frustrating getting older, and not having all yours goals accomplished or a girlfriend etc., but you really are young, and you have plenty of time, trust me. I know it's hard to see people and friends who are young and getting married around you with kids and all, and you feel somehow like you're "behind" or something. Trust me, focus on yourself, do what you want to do, and start dating and just see what happens. I remember the day I turned 30 I was scared out of my mind thinking I was so fucking old, and that no girl would want to date me blah blah blah. Furthermore, I had just broken up with my fiancé and was wondering what the fuck had I just done? Funny enough, after getting out of my head and out into the world, I started dating better than I ever had before, and to my great surprise, women still wanted me (not all mind you, but enough!), both in their 20s or 30s. I also learned as an older man, that many women in their 20s didn't mind at all, since you're a little older than the guys their age and you have your shit together, or hopefully.

Thus, let us get our shit together!

These are all good things my man. All good things.

Best

Thank you my friend. Very thoughtful stuff, you're right that age is just a number. It's just such a human thing to want to compare yourself to others. I try to limit this as much as possible (quitting social media or minimizing it helps a ton) but it's hard to do 100% of the time. I'm for example going to 3 weddings over the next 6 months for all guys around my age, which sort of feels like more pressure.

You're right though, everyone goes at their own pace and at the end of the day, I'm still pretty young. It is helpful though to sometimes take stuff like this and use it as motivation to make big changes quickly (to the extent that it's healthy). I'll continue reflecting on all this my man

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 294 -- No MO since Day 273 (22 days so far). Getting ready for this big work trip next week so it's stressing me out with my psychotic boss breathing down my neck lol. I was excited for this trip some time ago but now I just don't want to move, would rather just focus on myself right now. At least hopefully this Covid cough should resolve by the time I'm back and I can get into exercise full swing again. Until then, I've just been trying to walk 10k steps every day to keep my body moving. Excited to really get back into lifting 2-3x a week again after the trip.

Porn / MO / seeing attractive girls is really harder when you're not MO'ing. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep with it but going to keep going as long as I can

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 295 -- Ended up MO'ing last night, had a stupid stressful day at work (my boss is honestly psychotic -- used to think that was normal but having spoken to some folks about their experiences it's he's really off the rails). I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave and find a different firm but that's a different conversation

MO was honestly pretty weak, not sure if it's a flatline or what. Somewhat concerned but things have generally always turned around through my no-PMO journey. I think it honestly may be somewhat psychological? Anyway, I'll be out on work travel next week so will try to check in but it's going to be spotty. I guess Mar 9 will be Day 300 -- not super excited or anything, guess I'm waiting for a more meaningful milestone whatever that might be. But nice to check the box. I'm just honestly looking forward to getting back from the work trip to aggressively start working out again. Worked out today and it was awesome, still have the cough but am recovering pretty well. Looking forward to achieving my full potential! Love you gents, hope you're all well

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 296 -- MO'd again last night, was much better than the night before. While I've still got a ways to go to recover, I think there is something psychologically where if I haven't MO'd for a while I almost fear losing it...but as I do subsuquent MO's and gain confidence I take my mind away from 'trying to stay hard' and just get into the act itself & let instinct take over (or as much as you can with your right hand lol). Anyway just a thought

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 297 -- MO'd again today, again it was solid. I think here it was getting in my own head vs. letting stuff go and focusing on the moment with no restraints. The more self conscious you are and the more you think about maintaining the erection the harder it is to maintain. Just gotta let go and let nature take its course. I just thought about 69 which turns me a on a lot haha. I think it's ok as it's still a normal position and it was with a cute girl I remember from HS...man what a long time ago! Anyway, this work trip feels pretty stressful. Doing some cool things but I'm looking forward to getting back

 

[Blondie]

Just enjoy whatever you can concerning your trip and give the finger to the rest @First_step_thousand_miles

You'll be back soon enough and in the gym in no time!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 302 -- Had a completely unexpected hookup last night while traveling. I'm going to be try and be candid here just FYI, don't think it's going to trigger anyone but just a quick warning.

So on the positive side, felt good to be validated in another girl wanting me after a while. She also did end up finishing. Unfortunately or fortunately, neither of us had a condom. She said she was tested but I did not want to risk it so there was no intercourse. Did the rest of it though (going down, fingers, etc) and she had a good time.

The problem was I wasn't really getting hard. Now some factors that could have played into this. To be fair I was a somewhat drunk (maybe 4-5 on a scale out of 10 being obliterated and 0 being fully sober) and it was 4am where I was just so tired after this long work trip. She was pretty average in terms of attractiveness and a little bit thicker, I don't know how attracted I was to her. I do remember when she rubbed up against me at the party and flirting I definitely felt myself get a little hard. But when it came down to the act I wasn't really getting hard.

I guess it worked out since we didn't have actual sex but it was disheartening in some ways. I guess these past few weeks I have been mentioning that for some reason the erections seem to be softer and I'm not getting aroused as quickly (I'm not watching porn / softcore / not staring at random pics of hot girls / etc). I have two theories:

1) I'm in flatline. Just maybe ebbs and flows?

2) I need to rewire. I've been reading a bunch of stores where after a long reboot guys just need to rewire to actual sex. For some it's great the first time but for a lot of people it's a slow process where it might not be great for the first couple times / months but gradually gets better as you rewire. I'd never had sex with a girl before porn so my body just isn't used to it. The cadence of actual sex is also WAY different from MO I've realized. You're going to do a lot of foreplay where it's not going at the cadence you imagined and it's not just about getting in / out. So that was different two

Could have been the combination of both of the above (plus alcohol & exhaustion). Anyway just some thoughts

 

[Blondie]

Hey @First_step_thousand_miles.

First of all, congrats on getting with a girl, nothing like the real thing. What a 300 day present the universe gave to you!

I wouldn't feel too bad about all of this, even though I know that's easier said than done.

I have a couple of thoughts for you.

To be fair I was a somewhat drunk (maybe 4-5 on a scale out of 10 being obliterated and 0 being fully sober) and it was 4am where I was just so tired after this long work trip.

It definitely could have been this. Sometimes drinking can do this, though you weren't terribly smashed so who knows.

She was pretty average in terms of attractiveness and a little bit thicker, I don't know how attracted I was to her. I do remember when she rubbed up against me at the party and flirting I definitely felt myself get a little hard. But when it came down to the act I wasn't really getting hard.

This could play a part but it's hard to say for sure. If you did feel a little hard at the party, that is great news. However, maybe when all the clothes came off, your ex porn brain was still a little "disappointed" and didn't go for it.

You very well could be in a flatline, I'm in a small one myself, and although it's small these days and doesn't affect sex to a great degree, nevertheless, my dick was probably 95% hard two nights ago, and that's after a year an a half! Crazy shit. So we must be patient with ourselves. I also think it would be good for you and your recovery to go as long as possible without MO. I know that's hard, and I'm not one to push anything on anyone, but I do think that would help you out in this process greatly. Even though porn is the main culprit, masturbation is often just as much of a problem, especially for this very reason. We've literally trained our minds to need to get off all the time, thus, even that part of the circuitry is overused and needs a rest. I know I might sound hypocritical seeing I haven't even done a full 90 days yet, however, this leads me to my other point.

What I have done though is rewire with a real women, and I think that's the key here. I think both are extremely important to one's recovery, but life is not perfect, so at least doing one out of the two is better than nothing. Thus, my recovery has been a little delayed compared to some, nevertheless it is marching on. What is more, over the last couple of months even I have been trying to incorporate not orgasming as much into my sex life, because I've learned, just because I'm orgasming in a healthy way, doesn't necessarily mean it's actually good for me at the moment. Hence, when it comes to you, since you don't have regular sex, it would be best to refrain as much as humanly possible from MO. I know, obviously easier said than done.

I'd never had sex with a girl before porn so my body just isn't used to it. The cadence of actual sex is also WAY different from MO I've realized. You're going to do a lot of foreplay where it's not going at the cadence you imagined and it's not just about getting in / out. So that was different two

This is completely true, and I remember having the same thoughts when I first started having regular sex with my Lady. It sounds so ridiculous to say, because for fuck's sakes, that's the whole reason we look at porn in the first place, we want to have real sex! However, getting use to real sex took some time, not because it's not as good as porn, no no no (it's not even comparable), it's just the mechanics of it are utterly different, and thank god for that! This really could be the biggest factor of what happened to you last night.

Like I said, I'm not pushing anything on you and I'm definitely NOT judging you. These are just my thoughts coming from what I've learned over the last while. All of this is a learning process.

Best brother, and congrats again on passing the 300 mark.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Hey @First_step_thousand_miles.

First of all, congrats on getting with a girl, nothing like the real thing. What a 300 day present the universe gave to you!

I wouldn't feel too bad about all of this, even though I know that's easier said than done.

I have a couple of thoughts for you.


It definitely could have been this. Sometimes drinking can do this, though you weren't terribly smashed so who knows.

This could play a part but it's hard to say for sure. If you did feel a little hard at the party, that is great news. However, maybe when all the clothes came off, your ex porn brain was still a little "disappointed" and didn't go for it.

You very well could be in a flatline, I'm in a small one myself, and although it's small these days and doesn't affect sex to a great degree, nevertheless, my dick was probably 95% hard two nights ago, and that's after a year an a half! Crazy shit. So we must be patient with ourselves. I also think it would be good for you and your recovery to go as long as possible without MO. I know that's hard, and I'm not one to push anything on anyone, but I do think that would help you out in this process greatly. Even though porn is the main culprit, masturbation is often just as much of a problem, especially for this very reason. We've literally trained our minds to need to get off all the time, thus, even that part of the circuitry is overused and needs a rest. I know I might sound hypocritical seeing I haven't even done a full 90 days yet, however, this leads me to my other point.

What I have done though is rewire with a real women, and I think that's the key here. I think both are extremely important to one's recovery, but life is not perfect, so at least doing one out of the two is better than nothing. Thus, my recovery has been a little delayed compared to some, nevertheless it is marching on. What is more, over the last couple of months even I have been trying to incorporate not orgasming as much into my sex life, because I've learned, just because I'm orgasming in a healthy way, doesn't necessarily mean it's actually good for me at the moment. Hence, when it comes to you, since you don't have regular sex, it would be best to refrain as much as humanly possible from MO. I know, obviously easier said than done.



This is completely true, and I remember having the same thoughts when I first started having regular sex with my Lady. It sounds so ridiculous to say, because for fuck's sakes, that's the whole reason we look at porn in the first place, we want to have real sex! However, getting use to real sex took some time, not because it's not as good as porn, no no no (it's not even comparable), it's just the mechanics of it are utterly different, and thank god for that! This really could be the biggest factor of what happened to you last night.

Like I said, I'm not pushing anything on you and I'm definitely NOT judging you. These are just my thoughts coming from what I've learned over the last while. All of this is a learning process.

Best brother, and congrats again on passing the 300 mark.

Thank you so, so much for this thoughtful reply my friend. I'll reflect on this and get back to you once I get my thoughts together. You are the man!

 

[Androg]

As you disconnect from porn, you may find that porn-like, casual encounters seem...less fulfilling. Perhaps if you had had time to get to know each other over several encounters, you would have seen a different response. In any case, congrats on your encouraging progress!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Hey @First_step_thousand_miles.

First of all, congrats on getting with a girl, nothing like the real thing. What a 300 day present the universe gave to you!

I wouldn't feel too bad about all of this, even though I know that's easier said than done.

I have a couple of thoughts for you.


It definitely could have been this. Sometimes drinking can do this, though you weren't terribly smashed so who knows.

This could play a part but it's hard to say for sure. If you did feel a little hard at the party, that is great news. However, maybe when all the clothes came off, your ex porn brain was still a little "disappointed" and didn't go for it.

You very well could be in a flatline, I'm in a small one myself, and although it's small these days and doesn't affect sex to a great degree, nevertheless, my dick was probably 95% hard two nights ago, and that's after a year an a half! Crazy shit. So we must be patient with ourselves. I also think it would be good for you and your recovery to go as long as possible without MO. I know that's hard, and I'm not one to push anything on anyone, but I do think that would help you out in this process greatly. Even though porn is the main culprit, masturbation is often just as much of a problem, especially for this very reason. We've literally trained our minds to need to get off all the time, thus, even that part of the circuitry is overused and needs a rest. I know I might sound hypocritical seeing I haven't even done a full 90 days yet, however, this leads me to my other point.

What I have done though is rewire with a real women, and I think that's the key here. I think both are extremely important to one's recovery, but life is not perfect, so at least doing one out of the two is better than nothing. Thus, my recovery has been a little delayed compared to some, nevertheless it is marching on. What is more, over the last couple of months even I have been trying to incorporate not orgasming as much into my sex life, because I've learned, just because I'm orgasming in a healthy way, doesn't necessarily mean it's actually good for me at the moment. Hence, when it comes to you, since you don't have regular sex, it would be best to refrain as much as humanly possible from MO. I know, obviously easier said than done.



This is completely true, and I remember having the same thoughts when I first started having regular sex with my Lady. It sounds so ridiculous to say, because for fuck's sakes, that's the whole reason we look at porn in the first place, we want to have real sex! However, getting use to real sex took some time, not because it's not as good as porn, no no no (it's not even comparable), it's just the mechanics of it are utterly different, and thank god for that! This really could be the biggest factor of what happened to you last night.

Like I said, I'm not pushing anything on you and I'm definitely NOT judging you. These are just my thoughts coming from what I've learned over the last while. All of this is a learning process.

Best brother, and congrats again on passing the 300 mark.

Thanks again my man. I've been reflecting on this for the past few days. I think your'e right, if I had to rank this in order of what probably affected me the most to least in not getting hard it's probably 1. mechanics of sex just too different from porn and MO, 2. flatline (which I do suspect because I had rock hard boners for two distinct periods since Day 160 -- I think both of these 'runs' lasted a few weeks), 3. alcohol (like you said, wasn't smashed though I did have a fair amount drinks in me), 4. exhaustion.

It really does sound like the rewiring piece is so critical man, there's no other way to 'simulate' real sex. The issue is I haven't really found a girl to consistently rewire with. It also really doesn't appeal to me try and go for a string of one nights stands, that's just not me honestly. In the moment it feels fun but the next morning or a day later it just feels empty. I don't really think the attractiveness of the girl here matters either. Sure there's a moment of pride but it fades pretty quickly and nothing substantial really takes its place. Well, guess it's better late than never to figure out what you want and what you don't

To your point though, not MO'ing is probably the best way forward until I find someone for a longer-term relationship. But dammit it's so hard to keep a streak going for a long time. The last streak I lasted 20ish days I think before I gave in. I think I really need to take some mental energy and recommit to no MO because I'm not sure I feel in the state to do so right now. The non-PMO journey has led to a lot of good things but god is it exhausting sometimes, especially for someone who tends to overthink things.

Always appreciate your advice man -- I know it's not judgmental and that it's coming from a good place. Thanks again my dude, it's been such a lumpy journey. Good to know though that you're still seeing improvements so far in to not using porn