I will make it -- Looking forward to taking my life back

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 339 -- the journey continues. Had several sexual dreams last night (though not sexual acts). I was just very attracted to regular women. Been noticed some more random boners these days as well. Yesterday on the train I just got slightly hard seeing two cute women (not IG / porn star type, just regular cute girls). Nice sign of healing
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 340 -- No MO since Day 310. Hard to believe it's been only 30 days but nice milestone. The next big milestone is May 15 as that'll mark my 1-year anniversary clean from porn. Bunch of random musings below:

Had a random thought recently and it's kind of related to porn and kind of not. I love the UI of this site and YBOP. I was just scrolling through a success story and I realized the UI of both sites really reminds me of Web 1.0 and the early days of the internet (I'm thinking late 90s - mid 2000s). Back then the internet was just so fresh and new and exciting. It hadn't yet wreaked absolute havoc over society in the way it has today (porn, gluing people to screens vs. people, increasing isolation, etc). It just offered the good without the bad (connecting people with online forums, helped people buy interesting stuff online, etc). The tie in to porn specifically is also that back then we just didn't have high speed internet porn, really much simpler times. And that's why the 'older' feel of the UI for this site and YBOP is so incredible. It doesn't impede us in any way of communication but it also takes us back to days where this wasn't a big issue -- gives me some subtle encouragement in returning to the roots so to speak. Maybe this is nonsense and it's certainly random but can't help the way I feel

In other news, got back from vacation last weekend. I'm getting pumped to dive in with my goals. Here are the near-term ones that I'm mainly hoping to accomplish:

1. Losing 15-20lb and recouping as much as possible with muscle mass. Diving right into this next week (unfortunately this week is packed with other stuff) with working out and being stricter on diet. Hoping to at least lose the fat by end of July

2. Continue to make it 365 days on no PMO and do 90 days no MO

THere's some other stuff but that comes secondary. Hoping to resolve the issues I hit on in my post earlier this week / late last week and just continue on the journey. Onwards my brothers
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 344 -- Temptations are becoming stronger (partially because of no MO and partially because of the crappy situation I'm feeling like I'm in right now). However, I crucially remember how both @Blondie and Gabe Deem have pointed out one reason we turn to porn is because we feel crappy and we want a high. I remember this lesson well as it's one of the big factors leading to my relapse the first time around. Temptations are still manageable, I'm going to stay strong

Other thing I've learned is that while I like traveling there is a limit. I've hit a point where I'm no longer looking forward to trips to see even good friends. It's just bringing worries / anxieties like what will I tell my boss, how will this mess up my sleep schedule when I cross time zones, and how it's setting back progress on my fitness goals -- which are CRITICAL to my goals of quitting porn. I want to look good and feel good to get out there with girls. That's the #1 factor tying to quitting porn, otherwise those temptations will always be there to some extent

Not complaining here, actually as much as I feel sleep deprived and upset about stuff right now I'm also glad because it's another thing I've learned about myself on what I want / what I don't want. You learn when you push up against stressors, not when you stick to your comfort zone. So there's always a silver lining. I now know not all my goals are built equally -- some are crucial to achieve while others are more nice to have / can be pushed out to later if need be. Onwards fellas, let's keep learning about ourselves on this journey
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @First_step_thousand_miles,
Temptations are becoming stronger (partially because of no MO and partially because of the crappy situation I'm feeling like I'm in right now).
Hang in there man, it's never worth it, not that you don't know that.

Sorry you to hear you're going through a rough patch right now, but that's life, and there's a beauty to that fact when you stop to think about it. Having "problems " are moments life gives us to actually grow and learn. When we've turned to porn in our past, we lost all of those chances for real improvement, only gaining a few hours of so called pleasure, and then having to return to it again and again because we never trained ourselves to actually be an adult and handle stress and reality. I'm kind of going through a moment myself, where I wouldn't say I've been completely tempted, but I have thought about it; however, I know it leads to nowhere, and God I hate that place!
Other thing I've learned is that while I like traveling there is a limit. I've hit a point where I'm no longer looking forward to trips to see even good friends. It's just bringing worries / anxieties like what will I tell my boss, how will this mess up my sleep schedule when I cross time zones, and how it's setting back progress on my fitness goals -- which are CRITICAL to my goals of quitting porn.
It's good to know your limits and what you like or don't like. Sleep is very important for this journey.
I want to look good and feel good to get out there with girls. That's the #1 factor tying to quitting porn, otherwise those temptations will always be there to some extent
Truth, it's good to know your priorities.

You got this brother.
 
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Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
The urge to "feel better" is healthy. What's not healthy is to choose a short term means to that end that makes your state of mind worse overall. Can you come up with an exercise routine you can do when you can't get to the gym? Can you plan to take walks...and make eye contact and smile at people you pass? Or? How can you feel good without a screen or an addictive substance? Our ancestors managed.
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
how it's setting back progress on my fitness goals -- which are CRITICAL to my goals of quitting porn. I want to look good and feel good to get out there with girls. That's the #1 factor tying to quitting porn, otherwise those temptations will always be there to some extent
I've struggled with this one myself but ask yourself this - If I go and see my friends for a few days how many workouts am I going to miss? It's not many. Alternatively, ask yourself, what mental health benefits am I going to gain from seeing my friends? As porn addicts, socialising is CRUCIAL to our recovery. It's worth missing a small amount of workouts, get out there and have fun with the homies! Plus, you can still eat well and stick to your calories while seeing friends so weight loss progress will still be achieved!

Not complaining here, actually as much as I feel sleep deprived and upset about stuff right now I'm also glad because it's another thing I've learned about myself on what I want / what I don't want. You learn when you push up against stressors, not when you stick to your comfort zone. So there's always a silver lining. I now know not all my goals are built equally -- some are crucial to achieve while others are more nice to have / can be pushed out to later if need be. Onwards fellas, let's keep learning about ourselves on this journey
So much yes! Love you man
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Hey @First_step_thousand_miles,

Hang in there man, it's never worth it, not that you don't know that.

Sorry you to hear you're going through a rough patch right now, but that's life, and there's a beauty to that fact when you stop to think about it. Having "problems " are moments life gives us to actually grow and learn. When we've turned to porn in our past, we lost all of those chances for real improvement, only gaining a few hours of so called pleasure, and then having to return to it again and again because we never trained ourselves to actually be an adult and handle stress and reality. I'm kind of going through a moment myself, where I wouldn't say I've been completely tempted, but I have thought about it; however, I know it leads to nowhere, and God I hate that place!

It's good to know your limits and what you like or don't like. Sleep is very important for this journey.

Truth, it's good to know your priorities.

You got this brother.
Thank you my man and apologies for the late reply. Been a lot of jet lag so I've been catching up on sleep. Yeah you're right, life has the good with the bad. Sometimes it's hard but you gotta power through. Love you man!
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
The urge to "feel better" is healthy. What's not healthy is to choose a short term means to that end that makes your state of mind worse overall. Can you come up with an exercise routine you can do when you can't get to the gym? Can you plan to take walks...and make eye contact and smile at people you pass? Or? How can you feel good without a screen or an addictive substance? Our ancestors managed.
Agreed man. It's not so clear cut on just doing 1 thing, well-being is holistic. I don't know about our ancestors (though I'm convinced they were happier than we are on avg) but in the modern world you really need to live deliberately in order to achieve a contented life. Onwards sir!
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
I've struggled with this one myself but ask yourself this - If I go and see my friends for a few days how many workouts am I going to miss? It's not many. Alternatively, ask yourself, what mental health benefits am I going to gain from seeing my friends? As porn addicts, socialising is CRUCIAL to our recovery. It's worth missing a small amount of workouts, get out there and have fun with the homies! Plus, you can still eat well and stick to your calories while seeing friends so weight loss progress will still be achieved!


So much yes! Love you man
10000%. I used to make the mistake of sacrificing hanging out with friends to work out when I was younger. I've since had many wake up calls that's NOT the answer. I make time for both now, but push comes to shove I prioritize the people in my life. They're what make it worth living at all

You're right, working out is 1 big piece but there's others. Friends, family, other hobbies, etc. Love you brother!
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 347 -- Well ended up MO'ing on Monday and Tuesday. I could feel myself slipping a bit, not to the extent of using porn (my recovery has gotten me to the point where even the strongest porn urges are a 5 out of 10 (vs. 9 or 10 when I first started and had that initial relapse) so very grateful for that. But slipping in the sense of googling some images or some stories on reddit related to sex...and we know where that leads. I don't want for that to be a gateway to porn, nor do I want to replace one 'addiction' with another.

I don't feel down about this really. Sure I wish I'd gotten to 90 days but I made an honest go and exceeded a month. And most importantly, I stayed away from porn and am continuing to do so. Maybe it does take a little longer to solve the PIED by MO'ing, but it's a tradeoff I think I'm willing to make. I might take another go at 90 days MO-free but not sure yet and not anytime soon I think. Nice though that the MO's were decent, the 2nd one was quite good. Not 100% rock hard but maybe 80% on avg and 90-95% at peak and I was very turned out to vanilla scenes with just a cute girl. Ultimately I think I will need to rewire so something to look out for and forward to

Thank all of you fellas so much for your kind words and support. I've been recovering from my jet lag so it's been more intermittent with posting but I should be on a bit more over the next month. Love you all
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 349 -- Well I might as well share on the personal issue I was having. Had this weird bump appear on my schlong appear after my last sexual encounter (along with feeling kinda feverish a few days after) and was freaked out that I'd contracted some STD. Also a little feverish at weird intervals a couple weeks after too. I thought I'd contracted some crazy STD, maybe even HIV (which was stupid in hindsight as I had none of the other symptoms online and the fever didn't even get above 99.3 from what I could tell). Also I don't think there's been a documented case of getting that from receiving oral lol. Thought my life was over, just when I realized I really wanted to make and and achieve my God-given potential

Well, went to a dermatologist earlier in the week and he told me gently that I was being a moron and that STD symptoms would NOT be subtle (except for a select few things). Doctor said the bump was likely just a benign cyst which appears in people from time to time. I insisted on doing a full panel for the peace of mind, everything came back negative. Thank the sweet lord...

I guess I never gave this serious thought before but there's just lots of STDs we can't yet cure. I really hope one day we do, I think we will but who knows how far down the line that might be. Could be a decade, could be half a century. I'm just glad on this day I don't have anything. Kind of a ramble but feel like I dodged a bullet
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @First_step_thousand_miles, I just wanted to say I really liked your post a few back about the "good ol days" on the internet before it completely did one on us. Yes, those days before highspeed internet seem so long ago, and yes, much more innocent. I've never thought about the UI of this place but you're right, it is kind of old school in a good way.
Maybe this is nonsense and it's certainly random but can't help the way I feel
Definitely not!

Keep killing it brother.
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Hey @First_step_thousand_miles, I just wanted to say I really liked your post a few back about the "good ol days" on the internet before it completely did one on us. Yes, those days before highspeed internet seem so long ago, and yes, much more innocent. I've never thought about the UI of this place but you're right, it is kind of old school in a good way.

Definitely not!

Keep killing it brother.
Thank you my man, it's pretty comforting. I think all of us look back at our youth and feel fondly so there's certainly some of that. But I even watch documentaries of the early days of the internet (check out e-Dreams) and feel that sense of reassurance. Not everything was perfect then by any means but people just felt more human I guess. Anyway, it's good motivation to returning to our roots as men!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Glad to hear you're all clean. I've had one of those once way back in the day, I too thought it was something bad. In hindsight I think I got it from wacking off all the time and using lotion that clogged the pores up. :cool: Fuck it, just ONE more thing!

Stay clean and always wear a rain jacket.
 
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