Day 358 -- EDIT: FYI this post was a stream of consciousness and I realized more stuff the more I wrote so my thinking seems kinda inconsistent for that reason but the further I go down the further I get to the root of the actual problem and the resolution (not going to delete the stuff before it as it was helpful in framing everything)
More recent MO's have been much better. Still wouldn't say great (as were the MO's I remember as I closed in on the 180 day mark), but I feel like I'm also putting big expectations on myself and literally creating performance anxiety. Might also do a 90 days no PMO again soon, just need to give my brain time to heal further.
It's been a very non-linear recovery but them's the strokes. I remember Blondie mentioned this a while back, but ultimately without a real girl to rewire with the MO's that I have won't be fully realistic. I have had sex a few times so I get the gist much more so than before, but they're still not at the right cadence / pace / etc.
I know it's not a mechanical problem since I've been very hard to porn before many times and even during those periods in my journal when I had a series of very hard MO's (without porn). It just comes down to arousal, and I think that's where my brain still gets aroused thinking about some porn-type content (I'm going to be fully transparent TRIGGER WARNING: I read a reddit story about this guy going raw with a Thai hooker and got hard to that...it was this kind of crap that I was into not super long ago which makes me feel super ashamed but I owe myself and you all honesty). Way less craving levels than before which is absolutely awesome, but it's still there (maybe 30% of what it used to be). That's why a purge from all orgasm might be best for some time
I also wonder if there's a flatline scenario. Either way, I think the best thing for me would be to do the 90 days no MO. Going to think about this some more
EDIT: I just realized something. Over the past few 1-2 weeks I've felt that 'craving' feeling of needing to come home and MO. I didn't place much emphasis on it because it was much lighter than that PMO craving feeling you get in your first 90 days or so of quitting porn but it was exactly that (just weaker). Also that kind of fantasizing as I described above in the TRIGGER WARNING section I've entertained. Not on purpose but it just insidiously sort of happened before I put a stop to it. I think this stuff is setting me back so I need to start the purge
This is yet 1 more sign that my brain is still undergoing these withdrawal symptoms. I really am realizing quitting MO entirely for some time would be the best move
I also went back and read my posts around day 170 or so when I had fantastic 9/10 or 10/10 MOs. Everything does indeed work down there quite well, it's an arousal issue. And that either means flatline or brain is going through a healing cycle (maybe both) where I'm still purging the porn before really getting hard to normal girls.
Fuck it, just ONE more thing!
