I will make it -- Looking forward to taking my life back

First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
ThomasCarlyle said:
wow man. just came back active here and seeing 744 days of no porn its inspiring. haven't read your journal but will be reading it soon.
What kept you going and what did change the last time you relapsed 744 days ago?
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Thanks man. Honestly I just wanted to move forward with my life and not be held back by porn -- PIED is not fun. My boners are far better now, I can MO to normal fantasy alone and have had successful sex a few times.

I just need to be way more consistent about not peeking and stuff, I think that's the last thing really holding me back. Rewiring is the next step regardless. Definitely worth going with it man
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Day 748 no porn
Day 6 no MO
Daily cold showers
Daily meditation
Daily gratitude

Changed the stuff above to daily (other than no porn and no MO) since I don't want to blast myself on those if I miss a day -- though I'm gonna seek of course to never miss a day. Anyway, on to the update

Was hanging out with a girl yesterday, and she straight up told me she liked me. She's never had a bf before and is also a virgin just for context. I feel like I'm in a bit of a pickle though despite how this is in all honesty some pretty good news for a girl to confess to you.

Every time I've hung out with this girl (as a friend) I've had a good time and I really like her personality. On the flip side, I have some attraction to her physically (kissed her yesterday and got brief reaction down there) but I just feel like I could do better physically speaking. I'm able to be attracted to more women now that I've quit porn (societally this girl would be like a 5, though I'm just using the rating as a way to transmit this in a clear way -- I see her as a person to be clear and would never want to hurt her by saying something stupid).

Honestly feel like a douche right now prioritizing looks. I guess there's another girl I was really into from a meetup I went to some time ago who would also be a 5 by society's standards but I am like 5000% attracted to her physically. So maybe that's a point of comparison, I certainly don't need a 8/9/10 type girl physically (societally speaking) to be happy.

Anyway, Told her that I wanted to give this a shot and see where it goes....maybe going on a few more dates will help clear things up here. Gonna be open minded but it's kinda confusing! Not sure if anyone's got any thoughts here, haha I guess the Mark Manson advice is true -- you never really stop having problems, you just have different problems. And I'd rather have the problem of dealing with emotions related to real women rather than pixels on a screen. I've made it far with the help of you all
 
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Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
First_step_thousand_miles said:
And I'd rather have the problem of dealing with emotions related to real women rather than pixels on a screen.
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Hey brother, I think you hit it right on the nail here. I mean there's always going to be "something" to work through and thus, I think you have the right mindset about this. I see no problem at all going on a few dates and seeing what happens. I mean why not? As far as that other girl you were extremely attracted to, is that not an option now? Either way, I wouldn't feel bad about being attracted to one or not as much as to the other, or a 5 or not a 5 etc. Attraction is attraction is attraction. You really can't help how you feel about these things you know? Personally I would never put a number on my Lady, but I will say this, there are plenty of "better" looking women out there in the world (model looks whatever) however, I've always felt an extremely high level of attraction for her and that has stayed the same throughout the years. And this phenomenon happened before I met her too, where there were extremely hot girls I was attracted too, but sometimes not, and I found myself actually liking a "cute" girl more than the "hot" one. At the the end of the day, I think attraction is probably more about pheromones and chemicals than we realize, so always go with your gut instinct on this stuff.

Keep killing it
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Blondie said:
Hey brother, I think you hit it right on the nail here. I mean there's always going to be "something" to work through and thus, I think you have the right mindset about this. I see no problem at all going on a few dates and seeing what happens. I mean why not? As far as that other girl you were extremely attracted to, is that not an option now? Either way, I wouldn't feel bad about being attracted to one or not as much as to the other, or a 5 or not a 5 etc. Attraction is attraction is attraction. You really can't help how you feel about these things you know? Personally I would never put a number on my Lady, but I will say this, there are plenty of "better" looking women out there in the world (model looks whatever) however, I've always felt an extremely high level of attraction for her and that has stayed the same throughout the years. And this phenomenon happened before I met her too, where there were extremely hot girls I was attracted too, but sometimes not, and I found myself actually liking a "cute" girl more than the "hot" one. At the the end of the day, I think attraction is probably more about pheromones and chemicals than we realize, so always go with your gut instinct on this stuff.

Keep killing it
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Great advice man -- I think you're right, I'm going to go on some dates with this girl and see how it goes. I think not giving it a real shot would be a point of regret later down the line vs. giving it a go and seeing if there's something there

I haven't seen the other girl at the meetup again sadly, so probably not an option. Agreed man, that's the funny thing -- once you really reboot, you stop thinking in numbers. I'm not 100% of the way there but probably 80-90%, you nailed it when you said attraction is attraction is attraction. Haha there is always something to work through, that's just the experience called life in adulthood! Only as a kid do you really not have much to worry about, sure there's always stuff but it's so minuscule compared to life as an adult. It's an interesting world
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Day 756 no porn
Day 14 no MO
Daily cold showers
Daily meditation
Daily gratitude

Nice to be at two weeks no MO. I noticed morning wood this morning! Faded as I got up to pee but the mere presence of it was awesome to see. I think either yesterday or day before I noticed the same thing, but it was quite hard this morning

Gonna see that girl again tomorrow for a date, just going to take it slow and see how it goes. Had a fun weekend of nice eats and a nice gym session Sat. The journey continues my friends
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Day 758 no porn
Day 16 no MO
Daily cold showers
Daily meditation
Daily gratitude

Went on a date with that girl yesterday, had a sex dream about her last night lol. Woke up like at 4am pretty hard haha, and went back to sleep. Had a bunch of interesting dreams last night beyond that, was pretty nice

Still trying to figure out where I want to go with this girl. Going on a speed dating thing in like two weeks, and have a blind date next month (girl isn't free until then). So we'll see, I'm hoping this also sheds some light on things

Otherwise, continuing the gym grind. Shoulder feels a little strange during curls but nothing else, going to get it checked out by a PT this week
 
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Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
First_step_thousand_miles said:
Went on a date with that girl yesterday, had a sex dream about her last night lol. Woke up like at 4am pretty hard haha, and went back to sleep. Had a bunch of interesting dreams last night beyond that, was pretty nice
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Nice brother!
First_step_thousand_miles said:
Still trying to figure out where I want to go with this girl. Going on a speed dating thing in like two weeks, and have a blind date next month (girl isn't free until then). So we'll see, I'm hoping this also sheds some light on things
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No problem just taking it easy and seeing what happens. It's nice that you have a few weeks off so that you can gage how you feel about the whole thing.

Keep killing it!
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Blondie said:
Nice brother!

No problem just taking it easy and seeing what happens. It's nice that you have a few weeks off so that you can gage how you feel about the whole thing.

Keep killing it!
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Thank you my friend, the journey continues! Sorry for late reply, caught Covid which really blows but I got Paxlovid so already getting back on my feet

How are you doing these days man?
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Day 767 no porn
Daily cold showers
Daily meditation
Daily gratitude

MO'd today and was super weak, I was trying to 'test it' after 3+ weeks of no MO. Sex drive has been low for a little while. My penis isn't shriveled and I have had spontaneous erections and such, but might be flatline as well since I haven't been really aroused when thinking of porn for the most part

I'm pretty sure it's because of my 'testing it' and the pressure I put on myself to perform like a machine with MO. Otherwise, why would I have had such strong erections earlier? I looked at early Jan in my journal where I reported some of the strongest MO's ever with little stimuli. I guess I panicked a little for whatever dumb reason and saw the 'need to make sure again' even though there was no need to do so. Now I wish I'd just stayed the course and not MO'd at all because this crap takes a toll on your mental health

I'm also finally seeing a urologist for the first time to get some tests run as I just want to rule out physical causes. My thyroid was fine as part of general blood work that I did last year, but I want to get a full hormone bloodwork done to put this concern to bed once and for all. Damn I'm a little bummed out

Edit: I know this wasn't wise, but MO'd again a 2nd time and 3rd time in quick succession. While both were still not great, the 2nd was better than the 1st and the 3rd was better than the 2nd...which makes me think again that it's mental as I mentally felt the stakes were lower with subsequent MO's. Could also be in a flatline of sorts as walking around some time back, I remember being attracted to like 70+% of women under age of like 45...but in recent weeks I'm turned off by like 90% of them for some reason. Maybe it's a combo of both of those things

Edit 2: Now that I think about it, I'm virtually certain most of it is related to flatline / low libido. Why? Because honestly I peeked a few times late last year and early this year and got really excited (heart thudding and everything), but I remember thinking about that stuff like a week ago and barely got excited to it. Not getting excited much to real girls right now either. Regardless, gonna do the full hormone bloodwork likely in early July to make sure everything physical is ruled out as well. I also want to do 100 days no PMO as a fresh reset for all the peeking & crap that I had done, and then I can continue a normal MO schedule
 
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First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Day 777 no porn
Day 10 no MO
Daily cold showers
Daily meditation
Daily gratitude

Taking 30mg zinc for a few months as I'm pretty sure I'm deficient. Otherwise kind of sick right now (after getting Covid a few weeks ago) so it's been a bit rough on that sense

On the bright side, talking to a girl right now that I'm really into. Having out 2nd date next week, I'm excited for where this leads
 
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