20 year old has to change life plan due to edging addiction.

I've consistently been addicted to edging since I was 11 years old and learned to masturbate without using porn, putting me in the category of one of the most addicted persons. I've never truly developed a personality of my own because of this, on the outside I seem shy and introverted to other people and on the inside I'm numb. My porn addiction has taken my imagination from me, I can't even feel motivated to think up of something creative despite wanting to. I had a short stint writing poetry, but after posting all of my poems online people made fun of them and I came across a famous YouTuber on Omegle who told me that no one cares. I was devastated at this realisation, as there is only one thing my personality attaches itself to. Usually porn, occasionally poetry. Even if poetry was a viable career path, I can't do it because there's no motivation to improve because of PMO. I'm coming to terms also that I'll never get higher than a C grade across any subject that I take in University or the mainstream education system as I lack imagination to the extent that I've became a practical hands-on learner. My personality is currently imitating that of a Clint Eastwood type of coomer and I can no longer express my emotions in a way that is accurate to how I really feel. I want to be able to think of all the possibilities and be 'dreamy', I want to think of myself as having an educated mind and being engaged in intellectual discussion and debate, the thing is I'm not. If I tried to be, then I'd have my @$$ handed to me.

So now we get into the meat of the topic which is that I now have to, by obligation to my body, take out a trade rather than go through the traditional education system as PMO has helped me to lose motivation, effectively failing out of any potential university that I could go to. I've stayed behind in education for a year, I'm nearly 20. I really wanted to look into a big picture concept, but it would all be online and I would have to force myself to study. Usually you can do it with a bit of coffee, but imagine you've been addicted to porn for nearly a decade and have edged for at least 3 hours every single day. Sometimes it is 6 hours. I have no sense of shame behind my pride when I engage in the activity in the moment. In the moment, I can actually imagine what it must feel like to not exist. Afterwards I find myself struggling to make an impact on the world around me.

I meditated recently and all of this emotion that I had been hiding spilled out. I feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, letting these emotions flow out of me. My addiction acts as a plug, it clogs up the hurt inside and stops any residue from spilling out. I don't know, because my identity is so suppressed, whether I am an introvert or an extrovert. I never go outside, but I always question 'what if this is because of my PMO addiction' because on my previous streaks I seem to know intuitively all of the right things to say to people who approach me, approaching them requires me to get to streaks that I haven't ever been able to get to yet. I should be exploring these clouds, instead I'm shunning them because they are mirrors of how I truly feel. I have a false sense of groundedness in a world that isn't real. All of my feelings in the moment aren't feelings, they are excuses. It's how the PMO feels, I suppose it's my lower-self telling me how much he hates me, ranting like J Jonah Jameson. Could I feel uncomfortable with porn-induced feelings and not my actual feelings themselves.

Without the ability to be able to feel motivated by imagining what my dreams would look like in reality, my dopamine supply has been short-circuited to make me feel apathetic. In apathy I need to do something drastically different and if the only way out is to take up a trade then so be it.
 

C514

Member
@spillingcheese I can emphasize with where you are coming from. I've been battling my porn addiction since I was 18. I'm 27 now. If you don't mind me asking, do you believe in God? Also, have you thought about going to counseling or therapy? I know you feel like you're downing but there is hope brother.
 
@spillingcheese I can emphasize with where you are coming from. I've been battling my porn addiction since I was 18. I'm 27 now. If you don't mind me asking, do you believe in God? Also, have you thought about going to counseling or therapy? I know you feel like you're downing but there is hope brother.
I've been to 4 different therapists and was diagnosed with social anxiety and Asperger's syndrome. Other than that, none of them worked and they didn't know what to say when I mentioned porn addiction other than 'it's okay in moderation'. I do believe that God exists, only as an abstraction from reality itself and each religion is just an abstraction from reality. I find it illogical to combine my own reality with that of the realities that include higher sentient beings. I prefer to see myself as having my own plan and returning to a state of nonexistence when I die.
 

C514

Member
Thank you for sharing. I want to encourage you by saying the fact that you've recognized this as a problem shows you're moving in the right direction. I hope you feel less alone knowing how many other people are struggling with the same issues.

I have found that all the times I tried to quit on my own I failed. The only reason I brought up God is because my belief in him has made this challenge more bearable. I have my doubts about the Bible, and I don't have it all figured out. There are still many things I am uncertain of. What makes a belief and reliance on God attractive to me is I feel like I am holding myself to a higher standard. I am certainly not trying to push anything on you, I hope it doesn't come across that way. I've also found installing a porn blocker, Bulldog Blocker has helped me. Exercise has also helped. Also having an accountability partner.

Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist to help deal with everything you're going through? Counselors are good, but for more complex issues they can't solve, maybe a more skilled mental health professional can help.
 

C514

Member
Also, I'm happy to hear you think there is a God out there. I have struggled immensely with why such a good God allows so much suffering. For that my friend, we would need to sit down and hear each other out over coffee. I still wrestle with the idea of an omnipotent omnipresent God.
 
Also, I'm happy to hear you think there is a God out there. I have struggled immensely with why such a good God allows so much suffering. For that my friend, we would need to sit down and hear each other out over coffee. I still wrestle with the idea of an omnipotent omnipresent God.
I still have Nietzsche on my reading list. Are you familiar with his works?
 

C514

Member
I have heard of him but haven't read any of his works. Have you read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl?
 
I have been addicted to porn since I was 12. I am 36 in a few months. A quick bit of math shows that means my porn addiction is older than you. I'm not saying this to try and minimise what you're going through, but as an encouragement: I would *kill* to have had the information, support groups, resources etc. you have today when I was 19. I had nothing and nobody. And, when you're that young it doesn't matter as much when you screw up or fail at things, even if you have to rebuild your life from zero, at 19 it ultimately isn't that big of a deal. I know it sucks right now but if you press on and get out of this you can have your whole life ahead of you. I fapped away my entire 20s, but you have a chance to get things right that I never had. Honestly, I envy you a little bit!

One resource that really, REALLY helped me was this presentation by Gary Wilson. I watched it all the way through, then ripped the audio onto my phone and listened to the entire presentation through maybe 4-5 times. Just getting an idea of how and why porn screws up the brain really helped me. I had struggled with anxiety, depression, lack of motivation etc. all my life that I had no idea was caused by my porn addiction. This video also explains that porn is an addiction just the same as heroin, cocaine etc. which is what makes it so infernally hard to quit. I had always thought that the reason why I couldn't quit is because I was a pathetic failure with no self-control, so to learn the truth about this was extremely liberating for me. I used to fap to porn 2-3 times/day, it was finding out about your brain on porn that has it down to now 1-2 times/week, and I think slowly but surely on its way down to zero. Hopefully it will also be a help to you!
 
I have been addicted to porn since I was 12. I am 36 in a few months. A quick bit of math shows that means my porn addiction is older than you. I'm not saying this to try and minimise what you're going through, but as an encouragement: I would *kill* to have had the information, support groups, resources etc. you have today when I was 19. I had nothing and nobody. And, when you're that young it doesn't matter as much when you screw up or fail at things, even if you have to rebuild your life from zero, at 19 it ultimately isn't that big of a deal. I know it sucks right now but if you press on and get out of this you can have your whole life ahead of you. I fapped away my entire 20s, but you have a chance to get things right that I never had. Honestly, I envy you a little bit!

One resource that really, REALLY helped me was this presentation by Gary Wilson. I watched it all the way through, then ripped the audio onto my phone and listened to the entire presentation through maybe 4-5 times. Just getting an idea of how and why porn screws up the brain really helped me. I had struggled with anxiety, depression, lack of motivation etc. all my life that I had no idea was caused by my porn addiction. This video also explains that porn is an addiction just the same as heroin, cocaine etc. which is what makes it so infernally hard to quit. I had always thought that the reason why I couldn't quit is because I was a pathetic failure with no self-control, so to learn the truth about this was extremely liberating for me. I used to fap to porn 2-3 times/day, it was finding out about your brain on porn that has it down to now 1-2 times/week, and I think slowly but surely on its way down to zero. Hopefully it will also be a help to you!
I watched the presentation before and I listened to the audiobook 'Your Brain on Porn'. Knowledge is useful in helping you realise that you have an addiction, however that isn't even half the battle. The majority of the battle is the steps that you take in order to better yourself, for example going to the gym and eating healthily, turning those steps into habits that will invoke a gradual shift in the perception of your identity away from what it once was.

I haven't read Viktor Frankl, I'll add it to my reading list.
 
I watched the presentation before and I listened to the audiobook 'Your Brain on Porn'. Knowledge is useful in helping you realise that you have an addiction, however that isn't even half the battle. The majority of the battle is the steps that you take in order to better yourself, for example going to the gym and eating healthily, turning those steps into habits that will invoke a gradual shift in the perception of your identity away from what it once was.

I haven't read Viktor Frankl, I'll add it to my reading list.

I think knowledge is essential in that it shows you what kind of actions are actually useful and tells you that they do actually work, which gives you the confidence to press on through a very difficult challenge (which giving up an addiction always is). You're absolutely right though that you can't just learn; knowledge that isn't put into practice is worthless! So I've gotta say I was really impressed to see you're really putting your heart into not just dreaming about change but really making it happen. I am proud of you and hope you don't give up!
 
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