spillingcheese
Member
I've consistently been addicted to edging since I was 11 years old and learned to masturbate without using porn, putting me in the category of one of the most addicted persons. I've never truly developed a personality of my own because of this, on the outside I seem shy and introverted to other people and on the inside I'm numb. My porn addiction has taken my imagination from me, I can't even feel motivated to think up of something creative despite wanting to. I had a short stint writing poetry, but after posting all of my poems online people made fun of them and I came across a famous YouTuber on Omegle who told me that no one cares. I was devastated at this realisation, as there is only one thing my personality attaches itself to. Usually porn, occasionally poetry. Even if poetry was a viable career path, I can't do it because there's no motivation to improve because of PMO. I'm coming to terms also that I'll never get higher than a C grade across any subject that I take in University or the mainstream education system as I lack imagination to the extent that I've became a practical hands-on learner. My personality is currently imitating that of a Clint Eastwood type of coomer and I can no longer express my emotions in a way that is accurate to how I really feel. I want to be able to think of all the possibilities and be 'dreamy', I want to think of myself as having an educated mind and being engaged in intellectual discussion and debate, the thing is I'm not. If I tried to be, then I'd have my @$$ handed to me.
So now we get into the meat of the topic which is that I now have to, by obligation to my body, take out a trade rather than go through the traditional education system as PMO has helped me to lose motivation, effectively failing out of any potential university that I could go to. I've stayed behind in education for a year, I'm nearly 20. I really wanted to look into a big picture concept, but it would all be online and I would have to force myself to study. Usually you can do it with a bit of coffee, but imagine you've been addicted to porn for nearly a decade and have edged for at least 3 hours every single day. Sometimes it is 6 hours. I have no sense of shame behind my pride when I engage in the activity in the moment. In the moment, I can actually imagine what it must feel like to not exist. Afterwards I find myself struggling to make an impact on the world around me.
I meditated recently and all of this emotion that I had been hiding spilled out. I feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, letting these emotions flow out of me. My addiction acts as a plug, it clogs up the hurt inside and stops any residue from spilling out. I don't know, because my identity is so suppressed, whether I am an introvert or an extrovert. I never go outside, but I always question 'what if this is because of my PMO addiction' because on my previous streaks I seem to know intuitively all of the right things to say to people who approach me, approaching them requires me to get to streaks that I haven't ever been able to get to yet. I should be exploring these clouds, instead I'm shunning them because they are mirrors of how I truly feel. I have a false sense of groundedness in a world that isn't real. All of my feelings in the moment aren't feelings, they are excuses. It's how the PMO feels, I suppose it's my lower-self telling me how much he hates me, ranting like J Jonah Jameson. Could I feel uncomfortable with porn-induced feelings and not my actual feelings themselves.
Without the ability to be able to feel motivated by imagining what my dreams would look like in reality, my dopamine supply has been short-circuited to make me feel apathetic. In apathy I need to do something drastically different and if the only way out is to take up a trade then so be it.
So now we get into the meat of the topic which is that I now have to, by obligation to my body, take out a trade rather than go through the traditional education system as PMO has helped me to lose motivation, effectively failing out of any potential university that I could go to. I've stayed behind in education for a year, I'm nearly 20. I really wanted to look into a big picture concept, but it would all be online and I would have to force myself to study. Usually you can do it with a bit of coffee, but imagine you've been addicted to porn for nearly a decade and have edged for at least 3 hours every single day. Sometimes it is 6 hours. I have no sense of shame behind my pride when I engage in the activity in the moment. In the moment, I can actually imagine what it must feel like to not exist. Afterwards I find myself struggling to make an impact on the world around me.
I meditated recently and all of this emotion that I had been hiding spilled out. I feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, letting these emotions flow out of me. My addiction acts as a plug, it clogs up the hurt inside and stops any residue from spilling out. I don't know, because my identity is so suppressed, whether I am an introvert or an extrovert. I never go outside, but I always question 'what if this is because of my PMO addiction' because on my previous streaks I seem to know intuitively all of the right things to say to people who approach me, approaching them requires me to get to streaks that I haven't ever been able to get to yet. I should be exploring these clouds, instead I'm shunning them because they are mirrors of how I truly feel. I have a false sense of groundedness in a world that isn't real. All of my feelings in the moment aren't feelings, they are excuses. It's how the PMO feels, I suppose it's my lower-self telling me how much he hates me, ranting like J Jonah Jameson. Could I feel uncomfortable with porn-induced feelings and not my actual feelings themselves.
Without the ability to be able to feel motivated by imagining what my dreams would look like in reality, my dopamine supply has been short-circuited to make me feel apathetic. In apathy I need to do something drastically different and if the only way out is to take up a trade then so be it.