spillingcheese
Member
I was considering posting this on the 20-29 category, but instead decided to post it here because I am 19. I will be 20 in October and I feel ashamed to say that I've accomplished nothing with my life. People at my age could've:
- Got A*s across all their subjects
- Be studying at University
- Have lost their virginity, slept with about 3-5 girls by now
- Have a career plan that they want to fulfil
- Could be 'toned' but not ripped
- Have a stable support group of friends who all have similar goals to him
- Be starting a business on the side, or planning to start one
- Know how to drive
- Have a part-time job
- Be in a loving relationship/ spin multiple plates
Then there's me. I don't do any of those things, nor have the motivation to. I have a life plan: Wake up, go to the toilet, fall asleep, watch porn and play video games. The same mediocre life with the same sense of apathy. I feel dirty all of the time. I can lift 10KG on a barbell and then my back gives way and I collapse to the ground. I've never felt love, I don't think I've felt any real emotions at all. I lack the motivation to build positive habits because this addiction overrides my dopamine reward system. It doesn't feel rewarding to go to the gym and eat salads. I could only quit eating meat and become a vegetarian because of how much better PMO felt than eating meat.
I haven't really done anything with my life and I have failed at almost everything I've tried. I failed:
- Learning Spanish
- Learning German
- Learning Japanese
- Learning Korean
- Learning Italian
- Learning Welsh
- Learning the piano
- Learning calisthenics
- Learning weight training
- Learning the piano
- Learning the guitar
- Keeping goldfish
- Learning law (subject)
- Learning politics (subject)
- Learning enterprise (subject)
- Learning psychology (subject)
- Learning media studies (subject)
- Learning boxing
- Learning maths
- To stick to my goals
- To get into acting
- To make friends at my college
- To overcome my social anxiety
PMO doesn't care about any of that. PMO only cares about its self-preservation, so this is what I will mistake myself as; whatever it needs to preserve. It dictates my whole identity and I have been symbiotically attached to c***hold genres, where I'd think I was being courteous to fix people up with my crushes and to try to mediate between disputes, shuttling from one person to another and shunned by all my friend groups because they didn't understand me ON NOFAP STREAKS OVER 45 DAYS! IT DOESN'T GO AWAY LIKE THAT, THE SIDE EFFECTS WILL FOLLOW ME THROUGH TO 100 DAYS!
I have gotten Cs in every single subject. I have lacked the motivation to study because I am addicted to edging. I have never gotten past 83 days and it's unlikely that I will do so after binge-edging for 10 months. I have set goals for the first time in 10 months yesterday, the same day that I relapsed twice (MO, then PMO) and binge-edged for a whole hour straight. If I don't set my addiction right, I will be wandering from place to place looking for something material that doesn't exist to take it out on myself with. The only cure is no PMO. My brain doesn't quite understand that, because PMO has taken from me my most prized possession; the ability to learn. To be self-aware, to be masculine, to learn from my mistakes. I'm so unaware of myself that I don't even know whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert, despite not having a consistent number of friends since I started PMO. For 10 months I've had 0 friends and I've been so lonely and depressed that I've thought about killing myself, but then I'd go out in public and find that my social anxiety adds a barrier between what I say and being understood by the world. What I say on day 0 will be funny on day 60, but offensive on day 7. It all depends on body posture, language, etc. and I'm coming off as being a weirdo by entering in hunched over and staring at their feet.
In ten years from now, I can see myself never losing my virginity and having no friends. I'll work retail or in a library, I could even be unemployed and living on welfare. I'd be cursed to a life of starting new things and never finishing them, then taking it out on myself. I might not even reach 30 before I decide to call it quits on life. I'll always have the regret of not having fulfilled my ideals and not having measured up to the world around me. I'd feel insecure, inferior, weak. I'd have to pick fault with reality around me just to prove to myself how 'intelligent' I really am, that I was left behind because I was too smart for the education system but too dumb to not make the wrong choices. It's not an excuse. I should keep working on myself no matter how I feel because what I'm experiencing now are actually side effects of my addiction which will pass over time if I don't pass time over.
- Got A*s across all their subjects
- Be studying at University
- Have lost their virginity, slept with about 3-5 girls by now
- Have a career plan that they want to fulfil
- Could be 'toned' but not ripped
- Have a stable support group of friends who all have similar goals to him
- Be starting a business on the side, or planning to start one
- Know how to drive
- Have a part-time job
- Be in a loving relationship/ spin multiple plates
Then there's me. I don't do any of those things, nor have the motivation to. I have a life plan: Wake up, go to the toilet, fall asleep, watch porn and play video games. The same mediocre life with the same sense of apathy. I feel dirty all of the time. I can lift 10KG on a barbell and then my back gives way and I collapse to the ground. I've never felt love, I don't think I've felt any real emotions at all. I lack the motivation to build positive habits because this addiction overrides my dopamine reward system. It doesn't feel rewarding to go to the gym and eat salads. I could only quit eating meat and become a vegetarian because of how much better PMO felt than eating meat.
I haven't really done anything with my life and I have failed at almost everything I've tried. I failed:
- Learning Spanish
- Learning German
- Learning Japanese
- Learning Korean
- Learning Italian
- Learning Welsh
- Learning the piano
- Learning calisthenics
- Learning weight training
- Learning the piano
- Learning the guitar
- Keeping goldfish
- Learning law (subject)
- Learning politics (subject)
- Learning enterprise (subject)
- Learning psychology (subject)
- Learning media studies (subject)
- Learning boxing
- Learning maths
- To stick to my goals
- To get into acting
- To make friends at my college
- To overcome my social anxiety
PMO doesn't care about any of that. PMO only cares about its self-preservation, so this is what I will mistake myself as; whatever it needs to preserve. It dictates my whole identity and I have been symbiotically attached to c***hold genres, where I'd think I was being courteous to fix people up with my crushes and to try to mediate between disputes, shuttling from one person to another and shunned by all my friend groups because they didn't understand me ON NOFAP STREAKS OVER 45 DAYS! IT DOESN'T GO AWAY LIKE THAT, THE SIDE EFFECTS WILL FOLLOW ME THROUGH TO 100 DAYS!
I have gotten Cs in every single subject. I have lacked the motivation to study because I am addicted to edging. I have never gotten past 83 days and it's unlikely that I will do so after binge-edging for 10 months. I have set goals for the first time in 10 months yesterday, the same day that I relapsed twice (MO, then PMO) and binge-edged for a whole hour straight. If I don't set my addiction right, I will be wandering from place to place looking for something material that doesn't exist to take it out on myself with. The only cure is no PMO. My brain doesn't quite understand that, because PMO has taken from me my most prized possession; the ability to learn. To be self-aware, to be masculine, to learn from my mistakes. I'm so unaware of myself that I don't even know whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert, despite not having a consistent number of friends since I started PMO. For 10 months I've had 0 friends and I've been so lonely and depressed that I've thought about killing myself, but then I'd go out in public and find that my social anxiety adds a barrier between what I say and being understood by the world. What I say on day 0 will be funny on day 60, but offensive on day 7. It all depends on body posture, language, etc. and I'm coming off as being a weirdo by entering in hunched over and staring at their feet.
In ten years from now, I can see myself never losing my virginity and having no friends. I'll work retail or in a library, I could even be unemployed and living on welfare. I'd be cursed to a life of starting new things and never finishing them, then taking it out on myself. I might not even reach 30 before I decide to call it quits on life. I'll always have the regret of not having fulfilled my ideals and not having measured up to the world around me. I'd feel insecure, inferior, weak. I'd have to pick fault with reality around me just to prove to myself how 'intelligent' I really am, that I was left behind because I was too smart for the education system but too dumb to not make the wrong choices. It's not an excuse. I should keep working on myself no matter how I feel because what I'm experiencing now are actually side effects of my addiction which will pass over time if I don't pass time over.
