New to the Nation, not to the Recovery

WestCoast

Active Member
Hi all,

I'm brand new to RebootNation, but have been part of NoFap for quite some time. I'm also in a recovery organization outside of this to help me with day to day struggles and discussion.

My Story
So, I'm 33 (going on 34 in July) and I have been an addict since I was 19 years old or so. I've watched porn when I was younger in my late teens, but it really impacted me after my first relationship when I was 18 years old. Why? Well, before my first girlfriend (who I lost my virginity with), I never masturbated or really orgasmed (aside from wet dreams) when viewing. When I was with her, sex was great - I loved every moment of it and I had ZERO issues.

It wasn't until she went back to college, that actually my parents said "there's nothing wrong with masturbation" - at the time, I never really knew what that would lead to - and I don't think my parents knew either. My parents don't really understand the impacts of porn and what it's done to my brain. I also can't help but wonder if it it's also a digital addiction we have developed, along with porn.

So when I started with this, I felt fine - morning wood, and even fapped 3 times a day sometimes (yeah, excessive). And then, it happened. Sex with her wasn't as good - performance wise I couldn't perform (at 18!) and things went down hill with her and I. She found the porn I was viewing - the women look different than her and there was a fetish behind it. She called me sick - and eventually it ended.

The biggest part of that is, she told me back then "porn will fuck your head up" and she was right. I had no idea what she meant at the time but she was damn right.

So after her, I've had relations with other women - mostly couldn't perform vs a few times I could. So sex in and of itself has been very discomforting and disappointing to me - but porn was always there.

I could perform every time with porn - strong erections etc.

The second girl I could perform with resembled the type of women I viewed - and it worked. I started out iffy and then I took off and we were going 3 times that weekend.

But, this was a hook up and not actually a relationship and - given that I have a lot of shame in the women I am attracted to (bigger women) I can't maintain a relationship. That attraction was always there from a young age, but even with my first gf who was thin - somehow I could perform.

I had other attempts that were weak - my erections in sex were weak afterwards.

So, in 2020, I tried to really get serious and kill this addiction. I went on a good run of about 45 days. A woman I was seeing came over and I had so much anxiety built up with her and my mom (who didn't approve of the girl's size - and just fear of judgement from others), I was dead.

Most recently, in January or February of 2022, I was out on a date with a girl and took her to my house. At night, I couldn't do it but in the morning it was just fine, but my skin is so desensitized from the constant masturbation.

Other Factors
Anti-Depressants
- I started antidepressants in my early 20s and was on them for a while and just recently came off of them. I have been on viibryd, trintellix and zoloft. Viibryd claims to have less sexual side effects - but it's still got other side effects that are terrible in my opinion.

Testosterone - A few years ago I had a test that came out showing my levels at 484 ng/dl. Since then they have been within the mid to high 400s. This and free testosterone has fluctuated between 9 and 12 ng/dl. I have been told by doctors that the results are are in the "normal range" but not "optimal" for someone of my age.

I spoke to 2 urologists - 1 told me I was too young to be in his office and that since I have 100% performance with masturbation that it isn't physical and my levels are optimal. The second, told me to lay off pornography and that clomid could possibly be prescribed to help get me back into the 600 range. I'm not sure what to do there, because I don't know enough about it - and TRT scares the absolute shit out of me. One note, I had blood drawn once and was in a state of a panic attack, and results came back to a 300 ng/dl. I don't know how the fuck that happened - but it scared me to go out and find someone to have sex with (notice last girl in the story). It has recovered.

Flatline - So the thing about this flatline. I notice when I completely stop looking at porn, I definitely get a dead dick - no morning woods - nothing. That scares me.

Morning Erections & Spontaneous Erections - When I am awake in the morning, I rarely get a morning erection. Not sure if porn and masturbation are the cause or not. Additionally, I started over thinking something in the past couple years. One, I no longer get many spontaneous erections if I find a woman EXTREMELY attractive. In my 20s it happened all the time. I do sometimes feel like a zombie, and maybe its from COVID and being home working - I really don't know.

I am scared and I am hoping to beat this someway, somehow. I made a mistake and read something on a different forum (NoFap) where someone claimed that the author of YBOP made an accusation that we are permanently damaged. I get high bouts of anxiety with this - regret, shame and suicidal thoughts at times because I often think of the worst case scenario - If I can't perform and have a family - then I have failed and don't want to live anymore.

I'm at 5 days clean right now and going on 6. I've been able to handle the panic attacks recently (over the weekend I was in iffy shape) and have managed to bounce back. In January 2021, I was basically in a major depressive/breakdown episosde - as what a psychiatrist later told me happened.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here, and I hope one day I can escape this hell.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Welcome man, we are all glad that you are here.
And I'm sorry about what happened to you.

I can see that you are not new to the idea of recovering since you got history with no FAP, and you already went 6 days without porn.

stay focused on what you are trying to achieve.
You got this man, porn is and will never be worth it.

You just have to walk the walk, stay inside the path, and take it one day at time.

Simple things are what gonna take you further in your journey.

Sending love, and wishing the best for you @WestCoast.
 

C514

Member
Glad you're here West Coast. Have you downloaded a porn blocker on the device you view porn on? I downloaded Bulldog Blocker on my phone (my device of choice for when I viewed porn) and have my gf set up as my accountability partner. Praying for you and all the other people here. Also, I deleted all social media apps from my phone. I had to cut all possible streams where I knew I could find barely dressed women. This has worked for me. Don't know if you're religious at all, but that is where I'm drawing my strength from now. Not trying to push anything, just want to encourage you and tell you what's been working for me. Also working out has helped. If I'm tired, I'm less likely to have urges to seek out PMO.
 

Oscar40

Member
Hi all,

I'm brand new to RebootNation, but have been part of NoFap for quite some time. I'm also in a recovery organization outside of this to help me with day to day struggles and discussion.

My Story
So, I'm 33 (going on 34 in July) and I have been an addict since I was 19 years old or so. I've watched porn when I was younger in my late teens, but it really impacted me after my first relationship when I was 18 years old. Why? Well, before my first girlfriend (who I lost my virginity with), I never masturbated or really orgasmed (aside from wet dreams) when viewing. When I was with her, sex was great - I loved every moment of it and I had ZERO issues.

It wasn't until she went back to college, that actually my parents said "there's nothing wrong with masturbation" - at the time, I never really knew what that would lead to - and I don't think my parents knew either. My parents don't really understand the impacts of porn and what it's done to my brain. I also can't help but wonder if it it's also a digital addiction we have developed, along with porn.

So when I started with this, I felt fine - morning wood, and even fapped 3 times a day sometimes (yeah, excessive). And then, it happened. Sex with her wasn't as good - performance wise I couldn't perform (at 18!) and things went down hill with her and I. She found the porn I was viewing - the women look different than her and there was a fetish behind it. She called me sick - and eventually it ended.

The biggest part of that is, she told me back then "porn will fuck your head up" and she was right. I had no idea what she meant at the time but she was damn right.

So after her, I've had relations with other women - mostly couldn't perform vs a few times I could. So sex in and of itself has been very discomforting and disappointing to me - but porn was always there.

I could perform every time with porn - strong erections etc.

The second girl I could perform with resembled the type of women I viewed - and it worked. I started out iffy and then I took off and we were going 3 times that weekend.

But, this was a hook up and not actually a relationship and - given that I have a lot of shame in the women I am attracted to (bigger women) I can't maintain a relationship. That attraction was always there from a young age, but even with my first gf who was thin - somehow I could perform.

I had other attempts that were weak - my erections in sex were weak afterwards.

So, in 2020, I tried to really get serious and kill this addiction. I went on a good run of about 45 days. A woman I was seeing came over and I had so much anxiety built up with her and my mom (who didn't approve of the girl's size - and just fear of judgement from others), I was dead.

Most recently, in January or February of 2022, I was out on a date with a girl and took her to my house. At night, I couldn't do it but in the morning it was just fine, but my skin is so desensitized from the constant masturbation.

Other Factors
Anti-Depressants
- I started antidepressants in my early 20s and was on them for a while and just recently came off of them. I have been on viibryd, trintellix and zoloft. Viibryd claims to have less sexual side effects - but it's still got other side effects that are terrible in my opinion.

Testosterone - A few years ago I had a test that came out showing my levels at 484 ng/dl. Since then they have been within the mid to high 400s. This and free testosterone has fluctuated between 9 and 12 ng/dl. I have been told by doctors that the results are are in the "normal range" but not "optimal" for someone of my age.

I spoke to 2 urologists - 1 told me I was too young to be in his office and that since I have 100% performance with masturbation that it isn't physical and my levels are optimal. The second, told me to lay off pornography and that clomid could possibly be prescribed to help get me back into the 600 range. I'm not sure what to do there, because I don't know enough about it - and TRT scares the absolute shit out of me. One note, I had blood drawn once and was in a state of a panic attack, and results came back to a 300 ng/dl. I don't know how the fuck that happened - but it scared me to go out and find someone to have sex with (notice last girl in the story). It has recovered.

Flatline - So the thing about this flatline. I notice when I completely stop looking at porn, I definitely get a dead dick - no morning woods - nothing. That scares me.

Morning Erections & Spontaneous Erections - When I am awake in the morning, I rarely get a morning erection. Not sure if porn and masturbation are the cause or not. Additionally, I started over thinking something in the past couple years. One, I no longer get many spontaneous erections if I find a woman EXTREMELY attractive. In my 20s it happened all the time. I do sometimes feel like a zombie, and maybe its from COVID and being home working - I really don't know.

I am scared and I am hoping to beat this someway, somehow. I made a mistake and read something on a different forum (NoFap) where someone claimed that the author of YBOP made an accusation that we are permanently damaged. I get high bouts of anxiety with this - regret, shame and suicidal thoughts at times because I often think of the worst case scenario - If I can't perform and have a family - then I have failed and don't want to live anymore.

I'm at 5 days clean right now and going on 6. I've been able to handle the panic attacks recently (over the weekend I was in iffy shape) and have managed to bounce back. In January 2021, I was basically in a major depressive/breakdown episosde - as what a psychiatrist later told me happened.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here, and I hope one day I can escape this hell.


These forums often make guys paranoid and also hypochondriac.

I advise you not to believe everything you read in them.

Also remember that the YBOP website is an outdated site today. About 80% of the things Gary Wilson said were medical speculation on sexual health issues.


I recommend that you stay away from the NOFAP.COM forum. That is the WORST OF ALL FORUMS ON THE INTERNET related to these reboot issues.

I recommend you stay here. Reboot Nation is the only worthwhile forum because people are so much better informed.


A few years ago the same thing happened to me as you. Fortunately, I stopped believing in so much "garbage" that I read in forums and websites and today I am very well. I still use porn, but very little. It is no longer a problem in my case. I am here to help and not so much for recovery purposes, because I feel that I have come a long way.


Everything will be fine for you and for many more

Calm.
 

WestCoast

Active Member
These forums often make guys paranoid and also hypochondriac.

I advise you not to believe everything you read in them.

Also remember that the YBOP website is an outdated site today. About 80% of the things Gary Wilson said were medical speculation on sexual health issues.


I recommend that you stay away from the NOFAP.COM forum. That is the WORST OF ALL FORUMS ON THE INTERNET related to these reboot issues.

I recommend you stay here. Reboot Nation is the only worthwhile forum because people are so much better informed.


A few years ago the same thing happened to me as you. Fortunately, I stopped believing in so much "garbage" that I read in forums and websites and today I am very well. I still use porn, but very little. It is no longer a problem in my case. I am here to help and not so much for recovery purposes, because I feel that I have come a long way.


Everything will be fine for you and for many more

Calm.
Thank you very much for the reply. The performance issue is something I have grappled with for years. But, I also havent had many sexual partners either.

Aside from that, I am in treatment with a therapist and I see a psychiatrist as well as go to an anonymous addiction support group.

pulling away the past 8 days has helped.
For me its the rewiring with real women. This may be my hypochondriac talking - but I always think I am not right because when i am in public and see women are attractive, i dont get the rush from porn and do not get a spontaneous erection like whej in my early 20s.

For now I am staying calm and taking it one day at a time. 8 days clean and more to come.
 

Oscar40

Member
but I always think I am not right because when i am in public and see women are attractive, i dont get the rush from porn and do not get a spontaneous erection like whej in my early 20s.



Understand. But I don't find this to be a problem:

I don't remember in my 20s getting a spontaneous erection just by seeing an attractive woman on the street. It has never happened to me personally, and yet I have never had erectile dysfunction.


I am currently 40 years old. But, when I was 20, I don't remember walking around with a "stick" under my pants. That being the case, I suggest you don't worry about it because the truth is, it's not a problem.
 

WestCoast

Active Member
Understand. But I don't find this to be a problem:

I don't remember in my 20s getting a spontaneous erection just by seeing an attractive woman on the street. It has never happened to me personally, and yet I have never had erectile dysfunction.


I am currently 40 years old. But, when I was 20, I don't remember walking around with a "stick" under my pants. That being the case, I suggest you don't worry about it because the truth is, it's not a problem.

So, is there no science around things like the "flatline" and "PIED" based on what you are saying? Like are we just making this stuff up?
 

Oscar40

Member
So, is there no science around things like the "flatline" and "PIED" based on what you are saying? Like are we just making this stuff up?

@WestCoast

Pornography-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) is a form of sexual impotence that results from excessive masturbation while viewing online pornography. Therefore IT IS COMPLETELY REAL. I had PIED. I no longer have it because I reduced my PMO. Today, I have good ability. I haven't PMOed in 16 months. That's why I'm fine now, even though I haven't deleted the porn files I had saved. I just put them away and haven't used porn since.


Now: Regarding the Flat Lines:

Never in my life have I felt a flat line. I just did my reset and luckily I never went flatline. In fact, just 40 days into my reboot, I remember having too much libido and getting better from my PIED very quickly, despite being a daily PMO user for almost 16 years. From my 23 years until last year.

In my case, PIED is real, but flat lines are not real. However, I respect the opinion of others, because, apparently, some people experience this thing that they call Flat Line. something that never happened to me.

The reason for my quick recovery was because I started PMO very late in my life: at 23 years old. Never in my formative teenage years did I ever use porn or masturbate.


In conclusion:

PMO - PIED is real but you heal over the months if you rest from everything that has to do with sex.

Flat lines: I don't believe in this on my part because I never experienced it

My personal case: I am currently 40 years old. I was a PMO from the age of 23 until the beginning of 2020 when I started my reboot.
 

WestCoast

Active Member
I started it at 18 years old. I never did it before then, and I don't know if that is late in life or not. I tried to take your original words to thought earlier - like guys aren't walking around with hard-ons 24/7. For me, Idk if I am just putting too much pressure on myself, expecting a lot from myself.
 

Oscar40

Member
I started it at 18 years old. I never did it before then, and I don't know if that is late in life or not. I tried to take your original words to thought earlier - like guys aren't walking around with hard-ons 24/7. For me, Idk if I am just putting too much pressure on myself, expecting a lot from myself.


Exactly: You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself for these types of issues.

Personally, I never worry about a boner if I'm going to be with a woman, or if I see a woman. Simply at some point, the erection is there when the time is right. Sex is not about getting erections my dear friend. Erections are irrelevant when we are enjoying intimacy and company with someone.


If you think about it this way, maybe will be better.
 

Oscar40

Member
given that I have a lot of shame in the women I am attracted to (bigger women)


I also like pretty big women. And yet I'm not ashamed of it. I advise you not to feel this type of prejudice because perhaps this type of prejudice is what is not allowing you to live a calm sexuality.

Most of the girls I enjoy my sexuality with are large in size. You don't have to feel ashamed about that my dear friend.
 

WestCoast

Active Member
I also like pretty big women. And yet I'm not ashamed of it. I advise you not to feel this type of prejudice because perhaps this type of prejudice is what is not allowing you to live a calm sexuality.

Most of the girls I enjoy my sexuality with are large in size. You don't have to feel ashamed about that my dear friend.

Probably true. I just think I need to relax and it will be better - and stay sober. I'm also not a big guy and I think people judge me - which I need to stop giving a fuck about what people think it's my life.
 

Oscar40

Member
Hi all,

I'm brand new to RebootNation, but have been part of NoFap for quite some time. I'm also in a recovery organization outside of this to help me with day to day struggles and discussion.

My Story
So, I'm 33 (going on 34 in July) and I have been an addict since I was 19 years old or so. I've watched porn when I was younger in my late teens, but it really impacted me after my first relationship when I was 18 years old. Why? Well, before my first girlfriend (who I lost my virginity with), I never masturbated or really orgasmed (aside from wet dreams) when viewing. When I was with her, sex was great - I loved every moment of it and I had ZERO issues.

It wasn't until she went back to college, that actually my parents said "there's nothing wrong with masturbation" - at the time, I never really knew what that would lead to - and I don't think my parents knew either. My parents don't really understand the impacts of porn and what it's done to my brain. I also can't help but wonder if it it's also a digital addiction we have developed, along with porn.

So when I started with this, I felt fine - morning wood, and even fapped 3 times a day sometimes (yeah, excessive). And then, it happened. Sex with her wasn't as good - performance wise I couldn't perform (at 18!) and things went down hill with her and I. She found the porn I was viewing - the women look different than her and there was a fetish behind it. She called me sick - and eventually it ended.

The biggest part of that is, she told me back then "porn will fuck your head up" and she was right. I had no idea what she meant at the time but she was damn right.

So after her, I've had relations with other women - mostly couldn't perform vs a few times I could. So sex in and of itself has been very discomforting and disappointing to me - but porn was always there.

I could perform every time with porn - strong erections etc.

The second girl I could perform with resembled the type of women I viewed - and it worked. I started out iffy and then I took off and we were going 3 times that weekend.

But, this was a hook up and not actually a relationship and - given that I have a lot of shame in the women I am attracted to (bigger women) I can't maintain a relationship. That attraction was always there from a young age, but even with my first gf who was thin - somehow I could perform.

I had other attempts that were weak - my erections in sex were weak afterwards.

So, in 2020, I tried to really get serious and kill this addiction. I went on a good run of about 45 days. A woman I was seeing came over and I had so much anxiety built up with her and my mom (who didn't approve of the girl's size - and just fear of judgement from others), I was dead.

Most recently, in January or February of 2022, I was out on a date with a girl and took her to my house. At night, I couldn't do it but in the morning it was just fine, but my skin is so desensitized from the constant masturbation.

Other Factors
Anti-Depressants
- I started antidepressants in my early 20s and was on them for a while and just recently came off of them. I have been on viibryd, trintellix and zoloft. Viibryd claims to have less sexual side effects - but it's still got other side effects that are terrible in my opinion.

Testosterone - A few years ago I had a test that came out showing my levels at 484 ng/dl. Since then they have been within the mid to high 400s. This and free testosterone has fluctuated between 9 and 12 ng/dl. I have been told by doctors that the results are are in the "normal range" but not "optimal" for someone of my age.

I spoke to 2 urologists - 1 told me I was too young to be in his office and that since I have 100% performance with masturbation that it isn't physical and my levels are optimal. The second, told me to lay off pornography and that clomid could possibly be prescribed to help get me back into the 600 range. I'm not sure what to do there, because I don't know enough about it - and TRT scares the absolute shit out of me. One note, I had blood drawn once and was in a state of a panic attack, and results came back to a 300 ng/dl. I don't know how the fuck that happened - but it scared me to go out and find someone to have sex with (notice last girl in the story). It has recovered.

Flatline - So the thing about this flatline. I notice when I completely stop looking at porn, I definitely get a dead dick - no morning woods - nothing. That scares me.

Morning Erections & Spontaneous Erections - When I am awake in the morning, I rarely get a morning erection. Not sure if porn and masturbation are the cause or not. Additionally, I started over thinking something in the past couple years. One, I no longer get many spontaneous erections if I find a woman EXTREMELY attractive. In my 20s it happened all the time. I do sometimes feel like a zombie, and maybe its from COVID and being home working - I really don't know.

I am scared and I am hoping to beat this someway, somehow. I made a mistake and read something on a different forum (NoFap) where someone claimed that the author of YBOP made an accusation that we are permanently damaged. I get high bouts of anxiety with this - regret, shame and suicidal thoughts at times because I often think of the worst case scenario - If I can't perform and have a family - then I have failed and don't want to live anymore.

I'm at 5 days clean right now and going on 6. I've been able to handle the panic attacks recently (over the weekend I was in iffy shape) and have managed to bounce back. In January 2021, I was basically in a major depressive/breakdown episosde - as what a psychiatrist later told me happened.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here, and I hope one day I can escape this hell.




Anti-Depressants - I started antidepressants in my early 20s and was on them for a while and just recently came off of them. I have been on viibryd, trintellix and zoloft. Viibryd claims to have less sexual side effects - but it's still got other side effects that are terrible in my opinion.

Caution: Antidepressants affect sex drive (libido) Perhaps this has affected you. In this case for example, this has nothing to do with pornography.


A woman I was seeing came over and I had so much anxiety built up with her and my mom (who didn't approve of the girl's size - and just fear of judgement from others), I was dead.

I am reading your case correctly: It seems to me that you do not have problems with pornography but with anxiety. Be very careful with this because if you stop using porn for YEARS it will not improve your problems if you have an anxiety problem. I used much more porn in my life than you, however today I am very recovered because I never felt anxiety.


and even fapped 3 times a day sometimes (yeah, excessive)
Calm. I even had many days that I did the same amount, even much more (4 times or 5 in a single session), however, I was able to recover.



I am scared and I am hoping to beat this someway, somehow. I made a mistake and read something on a different forum (NoFap) where someone claimed that the author of YBOP made an accusation that we are permanently damaged. I get high bouts of anxiety with this - regret, shame and suicidal thoughts at times because I often think of the worst case scenario - If I can't perform and have a family - then I have failed and don't want to live anymore.
I advise you not to believe this because this is completely false. I also recommend that you stay away from the NOFAP forum because that forum is a real "garbage" That is the forum that publishes the most false things and the one that has the most trolls.


I also recommend that you not take everything that Gary Wilson and his YBOP page said seriously because the issue of sexual damages caused by too much porn is still a fairly new and speculative topic. Still many things are not known and Gary himself could not know them.
 

WestCoast

Active Member
I am ashamed - I've binged for a fucking week. I am at Day zero. It's been bad and I need to pull back from all this fucking garbage.

I am starting the process day by day - updating every fucking day now. I'm done with this stagnant shame in my life.
 

SimonM

Member
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Yes - it CAN be a new start. I think getting into a new routine that gets you away from P is huge. So post daily if that works! I find right now I come here every time I want to access P. I'm here a lot... lol. I wish you strength with your resolve!
 

Ezel

Active Member
I'm doing well west thanks for asking. A bit of urges here and there but all under control so far.
 

WestCoast

Active Member
I'm doing well west thanks for asking. A bit of urges here and there but all under control so far.
I'm glad to hear. My OCD spiked before when I was abstinent. I don't want that to happen this time around. Unfortunately, I notice when I relapsed my brain was calmer and I actually felt okay - but I overdid it on the PMO to where I'm sore if you get what I mean. Which isnt good.
 
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