The Unavoidable Start!

SoberRich

SoberRich

Member
Hello all, Richard here
Back here a few months or so after I first came back to this board. The title says it all. I am glad I am here finally starting the good fight, taking my life back, but porn and alcohol have done their toll on me and my life and I'm not in especially good place at the moment. I still have my health, my wife and kid, a job, and a career ahead of me, but I've been slipping and sliding to put it mildly. I need to be here, but it is hard to be optimistic right now. Hopefully I will have more to say tomorrow, but for now I'm just sober from alcohol for today and will not be porning tonight. First day free of porn tomorrow. Now I am going to play some Age of Empires and forget about it all till the morning. Peace everyone!
 
SoberRich

SoberRich

Member
Good morning. It is 10:20 am on day 1 and I feel about as rotten today as I did yesterday after a full day of binging and then starting my journey here. It feels rough. I am going to be cautious today as it is another day off of work, so there are that many more hours in the day to worry about. I'm just sitting here thinking about how seriously fucked up this addiction makes us. How it distorts everything from how we think, how we act. The things this addiction has made me think, feel, say, and do. But I know better than to get caught up in the shame. I am going to slowly start putting this puzzle together a day at a time. Hanging in there.

Sober of alcohol, day 1 sober of porn.

Rich
 
The Tunesmith

The Tunesmith

Active Member
SoberRich said:
Good morning. It is 10:20 am on day 1 and I feel about as rotten today as I did yesterday after a full day of binging and then starting my journey here. It feels rough. I am going to be cautious today as it is another day off of work, so there are that many more hours in the day to worry about. I'm just sitting here thinking about how seriously fucked up this addiction makes us. How it distorts everything from how we think, how we act. The things this addiction has made me think, feel, say, and do. But I know better than to get caught up in the shame. I am going to slowly start putting this puzzle together a day at a time. Hanging in there.

Sober of alcohol, day 1 sober of porn.

Rich
Click to expand...
Forgive yourself Dude (if you haven't already) . Yeah, ya fuct up. You're in good company. We all did. In a previous post you recounted all the good things in your life, wife, kid, career, etc. Focus on those things and those people. If you wallow in the shame then you can't give them the attention they need as you are to busy fretting about what an asshole you have been. You already are on the right path, ya said yourself you know better than to wallow in the shame. Forgive yourself and try to move on. Forgive yourself again tomorrow if need be, and the day after, and next week, and on and on. As you begin to gain control of your addiction, start working on gaining the forgiveness of those you may have injured with that addiction. When you get to the point where you can be more concerned with those you love than with yourself, you won't have to forgive yourself daily, you wont have time. I'm only 31 days into my sobriety (after several relapses) but once I began to concentrate on righting the wrongs I've done against my wife I don't think about porn much. Hope this helps...
 
SoberRich

SoberRich

Member
Getting on the computer just long enough to write this out, but I have to remind myself that sometimes getting healthier feels like losing your mind. I have to remind myself having just picked up my toddler from day camp that at this time, roughly lunch time, on a regular day I already would have checked out a dozen or so unclothed women on Reddit, perhaps messaged them, before finding other foder to finish off. My brain tells me I'm lonely, but then I reply that I wasn't making real friends, forging real friendships on Reddit. I was getting myself off to random women on the internet. It wasn't real. There was nothing of value in what I was doing. So no, I'm not lonely. I was never interacting with anyone to begin with. I'm not "depressed". My brain is panicking because I'm not feeding it the dopamine it wants.

I'm already feeling more clear headed. It is amazing how awake and alert you can feel when you're not shoving toxic waste into your brain. One foot in front of the other. Now it is time to make the kid lunch.
 
SoberRich

SoberRich

Member
Just slipped and acted out to porn. So that is what, 1 full day. I guess it is a start. I am starting to learn what my triggers are and my no go areas. It started with me browsing on Quora. I will probably have to delete my account. I don't like social media anyway. I am remembering all of the things that matter to me, that I have to lose. And you know what else? God damn it, I want time for my hobbies again! I want to do things I enjoy that have meaning! Screw porn!
 
The Tunesmith

The Tunesmith

Active Member
SoberRich said:
Just slipped and acted out to porn. So that is what, 1 full day. I guess it is a start. I am starting to learn what my triggers are and my no go areas. It started with me browsing on Quora. I will probably have to delete my account. I don't like social media anyway. I am remembering all of the things that matter to me, that I have to lose. And you know what else? God damn it, I want time for my hobbies again! I want to do things I enjoy that have meaning! Screw porn!
Click to expand...
Question: Is your wife involved at all in your efforts to reboot?
 
SoberRich

SoberRich

Member
Checking in on Saturday morning. I am four days sober of porn. Unfortunately I have not been as successful against my other fiend, alcohol. I really need to check in deep down and figure out what I want. I imagine that working a retail job I hate has a lot to do with that, but as my wife constantly reminds me, I am doing a certification program for the jewelry industry (sales) which I am enjoying a lot and am almost done with. Only a few more months to go before I get my diploma and can apply for jewelry jobs. Planning on doing that in late December. My job at Home Depot is also okay. I know I just said I hate it. I guess I hate the "idea" of it. Of having two degrees, including a masters, and working in retail. Having to interact with people who I have nothing in common with (this comes across as more callous and more condescending than I mean it to). I want to be at a better place already. Not to mention that we really get no supervision at Home Depot, particularly in the sales positions, which the garden department is part of. I don't really know what is going on with me to be honest. I have to really think and get to the core. Maybe I am just rebelling by being drunk at work. This can't go on. All things fall apart in the end if they do.

As far as this addiction. I am reading Your Brain on Porn (the book) and quite enjoying it. It rings true and explains a lot of why this addiction is such a thorn in my side.

I will not drink today. I will not pmo.

Rich
 
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