Vomiting thoughts

Sammyjo

Member
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. "

But also, how about when the woman was about to be stoned for committing adultery...Jesus told her she was forgiven but to never do it again

But what if it's not about forgiving? What if I get that it's an addiction, but that addiction feels like it is literally killing me? Sounds like time to walk.

But it's not that easy.

This man that I've been married to for 29 years is my best friend, we make such a great team, we "get" each other.

He is making, what he believes, a whole hearted effort to kick this. "It's in the past".

I've seen him change on the drop of a dime so many times, I know he is capable, but P seems like an unsurmountable habit to kick. I have read a lot of the battles here. From what I've read he's not doing what needs to be done.

He faked me out for the last 10 years.

He followed specific porn stars to the point he knew their life histories better than mine.

He even let me believe I needed therapy because I was paranoid.

I have a need to feel like I turn him on, but let's be real, I'm 50ish, how can I compete? Better yet, how can I compete in 10 years? 20 years? The young hot bodies will always be young and hot. To that end, I did point out our friends young daughters and said "better be careful, you might run into them on pornhub in a few years" - actually I even did that with a baby. We were at a restaurant in Florida and there was a super cute baby girl and I said..."give it 18 years, you might see her on pornhub". He didn't like that

He has told friends and co-workers "the key to a great marriage is sex" "I get morning sex" (apparently rare)...funny part is there was a lot of ED and no cum. (I KNEW it was a problem but when I questioned him he made me think I was crazy, and as I said, told me I needed therapy)...He's off bragging about our marriage when in his head he is married to (or at least fucking) some porn star.

After finding me curled up in a ball crying on the floor of the shower (post finding out he'd been lying AGAIN, this time for 10 years) and after reading a couple books, he claims he understands how important this is to me. He claims he is being 100% honest (yet his ipad is wiped of facetime conversations and whatsapp has been deleted)

To ME this was cheating. When you basically stalk a porn star...when you know them that well...you are more invested in them than us....CHEATING.

He does not see it as cheating.

Somehow I am supposed to believe that because he "understands" how I feel, he will quit.

He had the audacity to say "I'm not a bad person, It's not like I brought another woman into our marriage"! I agree, he is NOT a bad person, but he DID bring 1000's of women (and men) into our marriage. I was neither part of nor consulted on. Not to mention he was having (imaginary) sex with them.....CHEATING!

Sigh. Forgiveness.

Definition of forgive


transitive verb
1: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDONforgive one's enemies
2a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see REQUITAL sense 1) forforgive an insult

Hmm...I guess I have some resentment to release. Or maybe not. I definitely need to feel better understood (Can you actually understand someone if your point of view is completely opposite?) I NEED to know he means business. I see how real the struggle is from reading all the journals. And maybe he does mean business, but I don't think he really understands the depth of this.

Too busy and stressed with work to really dig deep neither into the full understanding of this addiction nor his emotions attached to it. "It's in the past"...For now.:rolleyes:

And for now I am on high alert 100% of the time. I am exhausted. My heart hurts. My head feels like a volcano about to erupt.

Yet all I want is to be close to him.

29 FUCKING YEARS...

And the kicker...Not trusting him is not enough reason to leave. I don't want to be alone and I will never trust another man. What I used to take as flattery from other men checking me out now nauseates me because I now understand what is actually going through their heads. At least I know how we get along, that we work well together, and as far as I can tell, he's not a serial killer.

End Rant...for now.

Wait! One more thought...can monitoring your husband become an addiction? Not being sarcastic. It feels like panic as I dig through his shit, but is it some sort of adrenaline rush or something? It's definitely a huge issue for me right now.
 
From a husband who has hurt his own wife with his use of porn, sorry you're going through this
Just to offer a perspective from the other side (not sure if it will be helpful)

I have a need to feel like I turn him on, but let's be real, I'm 50ish, how can I compete?
You have the advantage that you are a REAL PERSON - not images on the screen
Doesn't matter how attractive the people in porn are - nothing comes close to being with a real partner
From a porn-addicted husband who is trying to change: your husband needs to step up and recognize this, otherwise he will be depriving both himself of longterm happiness

Btw what is your husband doing to quit? Is he just relying on his own willpower?
I would advise he makes some sort of plan
At LEAST read some books on the subject and start a journal here, as a first step

I think this most important part is that he is fully onboard with committing to change
There will be difficult times ahead, but if he is working on this openly and honestly with you by his side, it will get better I am sure

Stay strong Sammyjo, I hope you and your husband both get through this pain and can enjoy happier times together again
 

Sammyjo

Member
Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Yes, he is relying on his own willpower. He watched YBOP with me and I could tell from his nodding that he recognized and related to what was being said.

I have asked him to join the forum but he thinks that will make it worse. I believe he views addiction as weakness which is something he has a strong distaste for. I can see how posting would make him more ill-at-ease, but I am going to bookmark certain posts for him to read. I think he would take the time to do more reading.

I am so worried that if he doesn't take steps (other than just will power) there will be relapse - and it's not so much relapse I'm afraid of (I am actually prepared for that thanks to all the honest posting on this forum), but if he relapses and hides it again...well I just don't think I can take anymore lies. Not even a "white lie".

Thanks again.
 

SoberRich

Member
Quitting and recovery require absolute honesty and what I call living in reality, not the place you make up in your mind. It might be worth having a conversation with him about what porn actresses and sex workers, including those that "only do it online" would actually be like. It is a mental illness. I know it is not politically correct to say that but I don't care. I have had the opportunity to see this issue from all angles, as an addict, as someone working on recovery. These "workers" are boring, dull, and not very intelligent. I don't mean that to say that they are literally not intelligent. I have no way of knowing that obviously. I mean it in the more general sense of being intelligent. Having deep, coherent thoughts about things that matter. All these women think about, talk about, and do, is sex. All day long, 24/7, 365. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with that. Substance is required in a relationship and the sooner he comes to realize that the better.
 
Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Yes, he is relying on his own willpower. He watched YBOP with me and I could tell from his nodding that he recognized and related to what was being said.

I have asked him to join the forum but he thinks that will make it worse. I believe he views addiction as weakness which is something he has a strong distaste for. I can see how posting would make him more ill-at-ease, but I am going to bookmark certain posts for him to read. I think he would take the time to do more reading.

I am so worried that if he doesn't take steps (other than just will power) there will be relapse - and it's not so much relapse I'm afraid of (I am actually prepared for that thanks to all the honest posting on this forum), but if he relapses and hides it again...well I just don't think I can take anymore lies. Not even a "white lie".

Thanks again.
Hi S.J... I too am an addict who did much damage to my poor wife. She was (is) in the same boat as you. I did many of the same things your husband did. The shizen collided with the rotary oscillation unit in our marriage 7 months ago. I began to work on myself at that point, but, I REFUSED to acknowledge that porn usage WAS cheating. I can't count how many times I told my wife "But, I NEVER had physical sex with another woman so therefore... blah blah blah." I gaslit her every time she began to voice her concerns about my usage, finding reasons that all my sins were her fault. But it came to a point where she had had all she could take. She gave me an ultimatum. Either quit, or be alone. It woke me up. I allowed her to put monitoring software on all my devices, making her my first accountability partner. I'm only 31 days porn free, but things are beginning to change. She turns me on now like she never has. She's 46 so you aren't much older than she. Passion is beginning to return to our sex life. We (I) still have a long way to go, but.... I was just as bad as your man. But once I SWALLOWED MY FOOLISH MALE PRIDE, shelved my ego, and began to truly LISTEN to her, and then act upon the input she gave me, well, the healing process began. Had she not given me the ultimatum, then I likely would have still been ignoring her pain and feeding my addiction. IF your man feels the same about you as you do about him, perhaps an ultimatum will work for you guys as well. Consider this long and hard before you present it to him (if you do), because it may prove to be irreversable, as you have to mean it (he'll likely know if you're bluffing) and he may respond the opposite way from how I did. AND.. You do need therapy, not for paranoia, but for spousal abuse.... Another good book is Stephen Atterburn's Worthy of Her Trust. It showed me just how badly my actions had damaged my wife's spirit.
Good Luck !!!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I am so worried that if he doesn't take steps (other than just will power) there will be relapse - and it's not so much relapse I'm afraid of (I am actually prepared for that thanks to all the honest posting on this forum), but if he relapses and hides it again...well I just don't think I can take anymore lies. Not even a "white lie".

Hi Sammyjo, I'm sorry to hear about this.

I think this trust thing in a relationship is a big deal, and its admirable that you say this, even after you've been hurt. It makes sense to me when you say you could handle another relapse, but not another lie. I totally get it. At the same time, being on this side of it, and having unfortunately lied to my dear girl myself, it's a tricky spot to be in for sure.

I think we probably disagree on some "morality" precepts, which is just fine, no big deal; however, we would agree that trust is a big deal in a relationship, no matter if you're religious or not. When I met my lady 9 years ago, I was honest and told her upfront I was not looking at porn anymore (I think I had just quit a few months before). She thought it was great that I told her my truth but she had no moral problems with porn in general and I told her the same, I just said porn was a waist of my fucking time, and that was that. However, not too many months later I started to look at it once in a while, which of course I told her, and yes, she had no problems with it.

Skip ahead a few years, I found myself looking at porn way more than a grown man should, and so I decided that I was completely done with it, never to return to it again. Of course this was completely my decision, and I told her one evening at dinner (which I distinctly remember!) if she could help me stay accountable to my goal and ask me everyday if I had looked at the bullshit. She thought it was great that I was trying to improve myself and said yes. Thus, I quit cold turkey that day and never looked at porn again for a very long time.

However (fuck, there's always a however!) a year and half later, I relapsed and I was devastated, and this is where I started to lie, or maybe started telling white lies. I did tell her the truth eventually, but it was two weeks latter, and damn that sucked! This hurt her dearly, not because she thought I cheated on her, but because we were partners in crime, and she always wanted to help me. I didn't tell because of my shame, or maybe my ego, or both! I had been so happy with myself, and I could not understand, how could I have let myself (a strong-willed man) look at that nonsense again. Anyways we got over it pretty quickly, but again, both of us don't think it's cheating so that helped.

Fast-forward a few more years, and I found myself relapsing every 3-4 months but unfortunately, here is where I really fucked up, and this is where I would have to say this is an addiction, though I still don't like that word. On one of my relapses, I looked at a cam girl, something I would have never thought I was capable of doing in all my years of porn use. "Only losers do that shit!" or, so I would tell myself. Why did I do it then? Because when you return to porn after being off for such a long time, porn is absolutely disgusting! You ladies are the greatest things in the world, and porn doesn't have shit on you. How could it? Old women, young women, you all are great and fantastic. Thus, when you return to it, it literally does nothing for you, however, experiencing something new does. Cam girls were what did it for me, that is, got my dopamine going again at a level that I thought I "needed". Fuck, It still sucks to write that, but it is what is, and I can't change it. Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my actions, but you have to understand, there is a certain part of my brain that felt it was almost beyond my normal self, like I was in a trance, really, that's how it feels. That first time I did it, I was in this trance for probably five hours, and as soon as I was done, I couldn't believe what just happened. Did I really do the very thing I never thought I would ever do? Yes I did...

I did this about 6 times over the course of a year, without ever telling my girl. Of course I did tell her something, I told her I looked at porn, which I also did, so it was a half truth. But the shame I felt was unbearable, this shame in fact was what drove me to keep doing it every 3 months or so, I just couldn't believe that I had lied to my dear sweet girl, the girl who wanted to help me, and who had never judged my sexuality and utter love of women before. What a lucky guy I was and I had fucked it all up!

But 8 months ago I did tell her the truth, and I'm sure glad I did, but it was rough as fuck, and I thought I was going to lose her. Of course, I was a bitch and didn't tell her everything at once, I just couldn't. But over the course of a week I did get the full truth out. She was devastated and I was relieved, it felt great to be free and truthful again, no matter what would happen in the end. Fortunately, she didn't think it was cheating, though she thought the lines were getting pretty fucking blurred and got righteously pissed, as she had every right to be. But what hurt her the most was my lack of being truthful to her, that's what killed her inside. We had been a team, and I had cut her off from my problems.. I also didn't think I cheated, but I knew it sure as hell wasn't the same as looking at random videos or pictures. But that's porn, it blurs the lines between reality and truth, and makes it hard to see what's even right and true anymore.

I say all of this to say, this shit is crack cocaine, even when I didn't have the religious convictions that you guys have, the shame that I felt was unbearable, especially when I did something I never thought I was capable of.

And as far as you being an older lady and not feeling as pretty as some 20 year old, with all due respect, I don't think you understand the size of this modern problem. I'm sure you're beautiful as all women are (yes I mean that) but this really has nothing to do with that.

Porn is crack cocaine!

I say it again,

Porn is crack cocaine!

The hottest real life 20 year old doesn't have shit on 20 million pussies at the click of the mouse. This is why even attractive young men who could get those 20 year old hotties are still addicted to porn. Why, because how could one perfect girl compare to a million perfect girls with all different shapes and sizes? As I guy who loves all the different shapes and sizes of you ladies, how could only one girl compare to that? No woman could, not even the hottest woman. I've seen more pussy than Genghis khan, and almost all of it was not real!

I know it might be hard to put your morals aside from this issue, but you have to understand it from this perspective.

I hope this helps in some way, just to get an ideal of how it feels to be on this side of the fence. Because even when you're trying to do the right thing, this bad "habit" is hard enough to admit to yourself, much less to your loved ones.

Best

Blondie
 
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Sammyjo

Member
Thank you for allowing me to vent, and for taking the time to respond. This is all helpful.

As I said, I am most afraid of being lied to again. Just to clarify, my opinion on it being cheating is not from a moral perspective, rather from the perspective that he was intimate (albeit one sided...as far as I know) with other people.

I looked at some of the stuff and have to admit I can see how it easily becomes addictive. But that doesn't really help the pain or the lack of trust, rather it reinforces my worries of being lied to again, and concerns about how far will it go if he relapses.

And so I plod along. Hoping I can get him on board with making a better plan and spend some more time educating himself on the topic.
 
I have asked him to join the forum but he thinks that will make it worse. I believe he views addiction as weakness which is something he has a strong distaste for. I can see how posting would make him more ill-at-ease, but I am going to bookmark certain posts for him to read. I think he would take the time to do more reading.
I understand this - pride can be a major stumbling block for us men, myself included
Saying this as someone who is struggling with the same issue, whether we call it an addiction or not, it is not a strength to be be unable to control our own behavior to the point we can't perform in bed and jeopardize our marriages
I think it's a much greater strength to admit we have a problem and work on regaining the self-mastery we have lost

Again - I think it will be difficult, but hoping you and your husband can work through this and come out the other side. Stay strong 💪

PS Excellent perspective from Blondie as usual!
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Sammy Jo, I too am older. I am a few years past discovery. I was gutted. I felt like my whole marriage was a sham. Our sex life had dwindled so much I thought he was having an affair. I was 60 and also thought is this what happens? We become roommates? He let me sleep alone due to medical issues. I went downstairs one night and there was porn on the tv. He fell asleep. Then one night he came to bed, thought I had fallen asleep and had it on the tv. Sooooo. I viewed it as cheating, period end of discussion. He was depriving me of our sex life. He was watching girls the age of his grand girls. Men can say, “oh it’s not about you, it’s us” til the cows come home. It is about the fact they are young women that are naked. And no matter how hard we try, we will not look like that again. We have kids that change our body. We have a husband that by comparison has put on more weight than us during the marriage. But they still want that 19 year old. It is a betrayal of us, our marriage, our trust and our souls. He and I worked very hard to get through this. But I am not all in in our marriage now. My blind trust of the man I married is gone. It is different for me. I now know it can change at the drop of a hat. We are doing good now, but that knowledge of his deceit changed things. I hate that he alone chose to change our relationship and marriage for a bunch of image on a screen. I love him it is just different.
 

Sammyjo

Member
Thanks Gracie.

Several years ago I found out for the first time. He swore he had no idea that it would hurt me like that and never would've done it had he known. I was raw for a while but mostly got over it. I didn't place "blind trust" in him after that, but I mostly trusted him - with an occasional poking around his devices. Occasions of ED and what I believe were fake orgasms (not finishing but pretending to) and I would ask if he was back looking at P - he would deny it.

Pictures of us over the last several years pop up on my FB memories, my stomach turns and I want to cry. We look happy, I was happy...he was happy because he was busy looking at other women, I was happy because I thought things were good between us. I feel like even our "happy" was a lie.

I have moments were I feel good about us, and then my stomach turns again because how can I really ever know now if he really loves me or if life is just easier for him to stay and fake having a relationship like he has been doing for years.

Yes, a relationship is more than just sex. I guess I'm just having trouble sorting that part from the rest at the moment. To me, intimacy is the most sacred part of the marriage. If your faking that then maybe your faking enjoying the other parts of the marriage as well.

I don't know...I think I need to stop reading about all this for a bit and bury my head in the sand until I can clear my thoughts better. I spend WAY too much energy trying to figure out how I feel about "us" and wondering if he's been fully truthful, if he's still hiding stuff, if he really means what he says. I'm just exhausted.

It's been several weeks now, but my heart still hurts so bad! I need a good cry and a big hug, and I don't want to cry in front of him again. And it feel like it's a further violation of our marriage to confide in anyone else that I can cry in front of and get that big hug.

Ya know what really sucks? It even feels like I am violating our marriage simply by posting my thoughts here.

And with that I will put on my fake smile and move on with my day.

I hope things continue to go well with you and your husband.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Sorry to hear this Sammyjo, and you're a brave person for sharing all of this. I don't really have too much to add, except 1) hate the addiction, not the man, and 2) this is your husband's problem, and he needs to find the strength to quit porn. If he's ever going to beat the addiction, the lies have to stop and he has to face the reality of the addiction and the harm it's causing both of you.
 

GBS

Active Member
@Sammyjo I am a 60 year old man. I may be the poster child case. Certainly reading the partners threads (including @Gracie excellent stuff) I identify and my wife is suffering. BUT we are working together to confront it. I needed to change and I have, and we needed to talk which we have done and continue to do so. We’re confronting this together now which actually brings us back closer. I do fear that even though we have a great chance of getting back to the old “us” something will always be missing. That one’s on me. I don’t need sympathy but I hurt inside too. We focus on recovering together, I am more connected than I have been for years, so ironically I feel euphoric and depressed interchangeably. I wish you good luck and I just hope your husband jumps on here and takes the plunge to change.
 

Sammyjo

Member
@Sammyjo I am a 60 year old man. I may be the poster child case. Certainly reading the partners threads (including @Gracie excellent stuff) I identify and my wife is suffering. BUT we are working together to confront it. I needed to change and I have, and we needed to talk which we have done and continue to do so. We’re confronting this together now which actually brings us back closer. I do fear that even though we have a great chance of getting back to the old “us” something will always be missing. That one’s on me. I don’t need sympathy but I hurt inside too. We focus on recovering together, I am more connected than I have been for years, so ironically I feel euphoric and depressed interchangeably. I wish you good luck and I just hope your husband jumps on here and takes the plunge to change.
Hi GBS, I took some time to go read your recovery thread. Sounds like you are doing great! I love that you are going to a course on regaining trust and wonder if you would share more about it. We have read Love You Hate the Porn which seemed to help him realize I wasn't being a crazy overreactive woman and really understand how bad he hurt me. We also watched YBOP which really opened his eyes to his behaviors. (I also want to read Hold Me Tight next).

My husband says he has been porn free since I found out (a little over 2 months now). I mostly have to take him at his word. I didn't ask for them, but he gave me his Ipads leaving him only his work computer and cell phone, both on a VPN and can be monitored by the company (I don't think he would put his job at risk but who knows.) I do have passwords for all his accounts (assuming he is being honest about all his accounts). I used to check them several times a day for activity, but now just occasionally. I have blocked certain sites on his phone and have it set up so he can't delete his history and I can check it at any time. I truly despise that I have a need to check this stuff! He has given me permission to do whatever I need, but it still feels sneaky, and on the other hand it really helps that every time I check his stuff it's clean.

Anyway, trust seems to be inching in. I will trust him for a moment, then a panic sets it, I think it's because I found out 10 years ago and he swore he stopped because he "would never do anything to intentionally hurt me" but he did it again knowingly. So when trust creeps in I automatically fight it. It's definitely going to be a process.

He is still insistent that he can do this on his own, so far so good, but from all the reading here I am bracing myself for the possibility of a relapse.

I hope your wife starts to heal soon. And as someone said on your thread, the fact that she hasn't left is definitely a good sign. I wish you both the best.
 

GBS

Active Member
Hi @Sammyjo ,

the Rebuilding Trust course was all about empathy, honesty and accountability. I would say the therapist reckoned it’s two thirds empathy (not to downplay the other two). I could write an essay but it’s late here (in the UK). In a nutshell though - we men must stare down the daMagee we caused and try to get a perspective on the feelings. So it was good and I learned a lot but it was also utterly scary and frightening. I obviously was ready to feel bad but the depth got me in the end. I will write more tomorrow.
 

GBS

Active Member
Me again.

Foe a man to be empathic he must understand why he did what he did, because when he does that and realises the damage it caused, his focus on recovery will intensify. Why would I go back to porn when I know my wife would be crushed. That would make me a monster. Having said that, there is an addictive side of this which makes it hard for men to avoid it all even when they know what there wives would say. So empathy is about truly understanding what my wife feels. What triggers her? What is she worried about? Taking daily care to check she’s ok (without being irritating - ha ha a trait for me), and the big one….COMMUNICATION. That doesn’t mean a daily session, but it does mean often and it needs much care and skill, and you have to get stuff off your chest so do it.

I would actually say I am now a good communicator but that’s because I have nothing to hide anymore. Clean as a whistle - that’s great, right? No siree it isn’t great. Remember what I did, and realise that you can’t undo the damage in a long weekend.

Rebuilding trust requires risk, courage, strength and huge patience. That’s on both of us.

Good luck @Sammyjo . I hope your husband appreciates you. I hope he’s in recovery and making improvements and I sincerely hope that those improvements help you.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
GBS: You have hit the nail on the head! Communication is a big KEY component of working through this! If you take time and look back, you will see you gradually withdrew from your wife and family. Our children even noticed and would ask what was wrong with my husband. With that withdrawal comes the no communication. It is easier to trust someone if they are talking to you. Really talking.

“I do fear that even though we have a great chance of getting back to the old “us” something will always be missing”. I personally found the “old us” to be scary. This came from the “not sexy enough, not good looking enough, etc.” that I felt drove the problem. Here is something I pulled off an old post that explains it better:

“Yet as I hear him say, "It is good to see you get back to your old self." I worry that thing is what caused him to turn away. I don't like hearing I am becoming the person I was when he was using and I did not know. "It is good that you go without makeup." I worry because he complained I did not wear makeup all the time. (and trust me. I did not go without much) How do I say, "Feeling comfortable, makes me feel very uncomfortable because when I was there, the worst thing in the world was happening to our marriage. You were thinking about women touching you and you touching them at that time in our marriage." I don't want comfortable. Will I ever rest easy again?

I wanted us to be what we were where we were. Because it felt better. He can see when something triggers me. I can tell him when I have slipped into remembering. The more he listens the less often it happens. I like watching you journal about your journey with your wife.
 
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GBS

Active Member
I really like to get the female perspective. The men are great for boosting your own recovery. I shouldn’t expect apat on the back anywhere else for that. But I understand so much more when I read about women who have men who just don’t seem to get it. This makes me a hypocrite or a smug recoverer….but what I most want to do is talk to those men and say “talk to your wife”. Stop the porn and communicate and be patient and loving. Some of that is easier said than done, but it’s the truth.
 

Sammyjo

Member
“Yet as I hear him say, "It is good to see you get back to your old self." I worry that thing is what caused him to turn away. I don't like hearing I am becoming the person I was when he was using and I did not know. "It is good that you go without makeup." I worry because he complained I did not wear makeup all the time. (and trust me. I did not go without much) How do I say, "Feeling comfortable, makes me feel very uncomfortable because when I was there, the worst thing in the world was happening to our marriage. You were thinking about women touching you and you touching them at that time in our marriage." I don't want comfortable. Will I ever rest easy again?
THIS! EXACTLY! This is my internal battle with trust now.
but what I most want to do is talk to those men and say “talk to your wife”. Stop the porn and communicate and be patient and loving. Some of that is easier said than done, but it’s the truth.
Also THIS! And a note to my husband, communicating doesn't mean JUST talking to me about work...Yes, I want to know how your day was and what the problems are at work and what stress you are going through...but I also NEED you to INITIATE conversations about US, ask how I'm doing, tell me how you are doing and feeling about us. Don't wait for me to initiate it - if I'm initiating the conversation that means I'm in a bad place, and that bad place can often be avoided if you were to initiate. You initiating shows me that you have GENUINE concern for our marriage and for what I have been through. It reminds me that you legitimately care about ME - because your previous actions sure made it feel like you didn't give a crap about me.

Ug...he's just never been a very emotionally available person and can't seem to connect the dots that the only way to fix this is to become more emotionally connected with himself so he can do it with me.

Stick to your path GBS, I think it's a good one!
 

GBS

Active Member
Dear @Sammyjo , I reread your whole thread again. I knew it would be painful. I am not out of solutions for you but obviously your husband has to pick up the baton. Only he can do this. Tell him you KNOW it works. It is amazing. I feel different and I am different and your husband can be there too. @Sammyjo this may be your big chance, I am envious if so.
 

Sammyjo

Member
Edit:
I think I might start journaling a bit more. This was a reply to GBS who apparently had a similar situation as I did this weekend.


This is the tricky part - not causing a trigger for your partner. It's like walking through a mine field. Somethings are obvious triggers, others you have know idea exist until they blowup in your face. We had a situation this past weekend where my husband said something that really set me back.

The reality is (from my perspective) there are going to be frustrations for both the addict as well as their partner.

We were out having a good night with friends. Someone said something and it caused my husband to laugh real hard and then turned into a discussion that (in my opinion) he was WAY too interested it - doesn't seem like a problem right? The problem was, what was said, was a trigger for me but was funny to my husband. Fact is, prior to knowing about his addiction I would have laughed at it too and engaged in the discussion. How in the world would he know it would trigger me?

Fast forward, when we left I blasted him. This turned into a major quarrel, ending with him saying something like "with all the stuff you put me through and all your shit I put up with......." (referring my neediness since finding out about the P - my questioning behaviors, calling him while traveling at crazy hours of the night, etc).

I get it, he's over tired and frustrated (I hope that's all it is), but when he said those words what I heard was "I don't feel bad about what I've done and you need to get over it". What I felt was "here is a man who really doesn't see the damage he's done and doesn't really care". It made me feel like the trust I was allowing to creep in was really me being fooled again.

This was 3 days ago. I've had some time to gain perspective. We show our worst selves when we are tired and stressed. I NEED him to be perfect right now, but that is unrealistic. I realize he is trying hard. The fact he is trying, should speak volumes, but it also speaks loud when he negates the positive he's done. Tricky reality at the moment. Do I trust him? No. Is hope lost? No.

I hope things continue to progress with your wife.
 
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