Had a strange event last night while having a calm conversation with my husband. My body started shaking almost "violently", kind of like shivers only WAY stronger and I wasn't cold. Woke up exhausted, very shaky and had a very foggy brain. Got in the car to go to therapy and it all got worse. Literally felt like I might pass out (probably shouldn't have been driving). Started some meditative breathing thinking I was having a panic attack. What didn't make sense was why I was having a panic attack.
Got to therapy and told her what I was experiencing and it was in fact a panic attack, she gave me a different breathing technique to try (which worked).
Long story short, if you'll recall, I saw her for a bit prior to COVID because my husband had convinced me that my concern about not feeling loved by him was all in my head and was a self esteem issue. It has been apparent since my first visit that my self esteem is well intact. What she hadn't shared with me is that I have classic PTSD symptoms that she believes have existed since the first time I found out about his P usage.
Of course I've heard of PTSD, but generally in association with war Vets or rape victims (things of that nature). It never occurred to me that it was an issue for me. I am going to share an article (below) about what happens in the brain with trauma. Changes occur, and those changes are most likely why I became violent with my husband that night (of course the alcohol didn't help). It is also the cause of my panic attacks. It is ALSO the cause of hypervigilance as well as going down the rabbit hole thinking. (All of it is self preservation mode.)
SO...of course the next question was "how do I fix it" - Comes back to either getting out of the situation and working to trust others, or working with my husband until he does enough of the "right things" to make me feel safe in our marriage again, which as we all know will take TIME. These things will re-wire the brain to react normally again. In addition the brain needs to "heel" thus the feeling of exhaustion all the time.
We talk a lot here about triggers (for both rebooters as well as SO's) - triggers for us SO's can range from clear to very subtle. A clear trigger would be watching the Kardashians, a subtle trigger would be a look on my husband's face that I use to see when I was suspicious of what he was up to, or the way he used to fiddle with his fingernails prior to going up to "work on his expenses". I know a lot of my triggers, but I have NO idea what triggered this panic attack.
Here is a portion of the article that can be found at https://www.brainline.org/article/how-ptsd-affects-brain
Got to therapy and told her what I was experiencing and it was in fact a panic attack, she gave me a different breathing technique to try (which worked).
Long story short, if you'll recall, I saw her for a bit prior to COVID because my husband had convinced me that my concern about not feeling loved by him was all in my head and was a self esteem issue. It has been apparent since my first visit that my self esteem is well intact. What she hadn't shared with me is that I have classic PTSD symptoms that she believes have existed since the first time I found out about his P usage.
Of course I've heard of PTSD, but generally in association with war Vets or rape victims (things of that nature). It never occurred to me that it was an issue for me. I am going to share an article (below) about what happens in the brain with trauma. Changes occur, and those changes are most likely why I became violent with my husband that night (of course the alcohol didn't help). It is also the cause of my panic attacks. It is ALSO the cause of hypervigilance as well as going down the rabbit hole thinking. (All of it is self preservation mode.)
SO...of course the next question was "how do I fix it" - Comes back to either getting out of the situation and working to trust others, or working with my husband until he does enough of the "right things" to make me feel safe in our marriage again, which as we all know will take TIME. These things will re-wire the brain to react normally again. In addition the brain needs to "heel" thus the feeling of exhaustion all the time.
We talk a lot here about triggers (for both rebooters as well as SO's) - triggers for us SO's can range from clear to very subtle. A clear trigger would be watching the Kardashians, a subtle trigger would be a look on my husband's face that I use to see when I was suspicious of what he was up to, or the way he used to fiddle with his fingernails prior to going up to "work on his expenses". I know a lot of my triggers, but I have NO idea what triggered this panic attack.
Here is a portion of the article that can be found at https://www.brainline.org/article/how-ptsd-affects-brain
Your alarm system
Your amygdala triggers your natural alarm system. When you experience a disturbing event, it sends a signal that causes a fear response. This makes sense when your alarm bells buzz at the right time and for the right reason: to keep you safe. Those with PTSD tend to have an overactive response, so something as harmless as a car backfiring could instantly trigger panic. Your amygdala is a primitive, animalistic part of your brain that’s wired to ensure survival. So when it’s overactive, it’s hard to think rationally.
Your brake system
Your prefrontal cortex (the front-most part of your neocortex) helps you think through decisions, observe how you’re thinking, and put on the “brakes” when you realize something you first feared isn’t actually a threat after all. Your prefrontal cortex helps regulate emotional responses triggered by the amygdala. In service members with PTSD, the prefrontal cortex doesn’t always manage to do its job when needed.
A bad combination
An overactive amygdala combined with an underactive prefrontal cortex creates a perfect storm. It’s like stomping on your car’s accelerator, even when you don’t need to, only to discover the brakes don’t work. This might help you understand why someone with PTSD might: (1) feel anxious around anything even slightly related to the original trauma that led to the PTSD; (2) have strong physical reactions to situations that shouldn’t provoke a fear reaction; and (3) avoid situations that might trigger those intense emotions and reactions.
System recall errors
Other common PTSD experiences—such as unwanted feelings that pop up out of nowhere or always being on the lookout for threats that could lead to more trauma—seem to be related to the hippocampus, or memory center of your brain. Your hippocampus is a lot like your computer’s memory that writes files to its hard drive. After a trauma, your hippocampus works to remember the event accurately and make sense of it. But because a trauma is typically overwhelming, all the information doesn't get coded correctly. This means that you might have trouble remembering important details of the event, or you might find yourself thinking a lot about what happened because your hippocampus is working so hard to try to make sense of things.
Debrief/Bottom line
Your amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and hippocampus all contribute to the feelings and actions associated with fear, clear thinking, decision-making, and memory. Understanding how they work also might explain why some therapies can help you work through PTSD. For a visual guide to these and other parts of your brain, and more information about them, explore the Center of Excellence for Medical Multimedia’s “Interactive Brain.