Vomiting thoughts-Journey to Healing?

[Daybyday1988]

I was online yesterday looking for a new winter jacket, and the images were killing me - young girls in short shorts with crop tops, some in underwear, sitting with their legs spread modeling a WINTER JACKET. WTF? I can't even buy a winter jacket without reminders.

wow, it is almost as if we are being conditioned to be comfortable with sexualization of things. Sexually suggestive content is absolutely everywhere and especially as men we are constantly bombarded with this. Combined with the lack of real intimate relationships that most men suffer from early on, it is easy to end up getting drawn to the fire of a porn addiction like a moth drawn to a flame.

 

[Sammyjo]

It's been a hot minute since I've poked in here. I needed to stop reading about the extremes that those in recovery had done prior to their reboots. It was adding fuel to the fire. I became convinced that my husband must have done those things as well and I couldn't stop looking for evidence.

It's been a sometimes good and frequently messy couple years. 2 years of therapy didn't help. Probably should have found a different therapist.

I will go into further detail later, but just needed to put out there that the trust is still not fixed. Partially due to lies about relapses, and partially because he just isn't a good communicator about what he is going through.

For those in recovery with partners, rebuilding trust is a LONG process. If your partner is like me, you need to share everything - not just about porn, but the hidden nooks a crannies of your emotions, hopes, dreams, shortcomings, fears, etc. At least this is what I feel I need. I have been telling him this all along, and he's always seemed angry if I have a lapse in trust and come looking for him to share. With our most recent issue, I think he gets it now. I can hope.

 

[GBS]

Hi @Sammyjo . I know we corresponded a few years back. I just want you to know that it’s actually really helpful to know that regaining trust takes a long time. Not that I wasn’t fully aware really, just somehow it gives me some peace that what my wife is enduring (poor woman) isn’t something I should be impatient about. We all have hope through honesty, empathy, and communication.

Thanks GBS

 

[Sammyjo]

Here's what lying does.....My husband is coming home from a work trip (that in and of itself causes SO many horrible imaginations), and there are flight delays. I can verify that they are delayed, but because of the history of lies I find myself worrying that he is meeting with someone. It is absolutely ridiculous because the flight delays are not in his control. This is what lies do. So I sit here twisting imagining he is with someone else.

Side note. Porn creates narcissism, wait, this could be a chicken and egg scenario (which came first, narcissism or porn). I have to think deeper on this one, but there is a denial of responsibility of hurt that comes along with this crap and a blaming of the partner for not being able to get past it. Was he a narcissist prior to porn or is it the addiction causing the narcissism?

Just vomiting thoughts.

 

[Sammyjo]

So I just spent an hour vomiting thoughts into my phone, here is my best advice to those who want to regain trust...

You want to regain trust? Tell me all your hard/harsh truths and MAYBE when you tell me you miss me or love me someday I'll believe it.

 

[Blank248]

Hi I too are from years gone by who has been dealing with trust issues, since basically he’s never admitted to anything it’s always my discovery, which in turn he tries to twist and also uses anger as a response instead of empathy. I wish I had a plan but I’m at a loss, tried counselling but it’s BS I just need him to wake up to himself and put our relationship first. My faith in a decent man has also gone by the wayside if I end up on my own that will be it for me. I read some of the comments on here, too many deceive their wives girlfriends and think it’s ok … I can not imagine how you felt with your hubby on business trips I’d need sleeping tablets to get through the night anyway you are not alone I’m sure there are tons of women who never say a word but suffer in silence. For evil to succeed good people will do nothing and Porn is evil especially to anyone who wants a functioning happy partnership. Good luck it’s a battle alright and we as a society are loosing it !

 

[Sammyjo]

Hi I too are from years gone by who has been dealing with trust issues, since basically he’s never admitted to anything it’s always my discovery, which in turn he tries to twist and also uses anger as a response instead of empathy. I wish I had a plan but I’m at a loss, tried counselling but it’s BS I just need him to wake up to himself and put our relationship first. My faith in a decent man has also gone by the wayside if I end up on my own that will be it for me. I read some of the comments on here, too many deceive their wives girlfriends and think it’s ok … I can not imagine how you felt with your hubby on business trips I’d need sleeping tablets to get through the night anyway you are not alone I’m sure there are tons of women who never say a word but suffer in silence. For evil to succeed good people will do nothing and Porn is evil especially to anyone who wants a functioning happy partnership. Good luck it’s a battle alright and we as a society are loosing it !

Hi Blank248,

Makes me feel a little better that I'm not alone, although I'm sorry you are going through this too.

I agree, faith in men is shot to hell! Although, my brother has given up porn. He is a 30+ year recovering alcoholic, and on his lengthy journey realized how girls are led into porn through drug addiction and he refuses to support that in any way. Of course not all girls are led in through drugs, you have a lot of girls with their own channels who are making mint off these guys. I ran into a woman recently who just got divorced because her husband ran off with his favorite "Only Fans" girl. The best part of the story is that he wants to do the stuff she does on her channel, but she won't do any of that with him

My husband also used anger when I discovered things. It's a manipulation tool. It puts you in a defensive posture. It makes my head spin.

As for society - my husband says "everybody does it". Doesn't make it right.

And a muscle relaxer before bed was my go to for years when he traveled. Now I read a book called Jesus Calling and try to focus on that.

Thanks for speaking up.

 

[Blank248]

Hi Sammy, Trust is definitely missing from our relationship, I have days where Im like ok its not my issue, but then I think well it sorta is because its affecting how I see him and just the little things like looking for signs he's up to something and also like you said, I feel like Im betraying my relationship by coming on here, that's why don't come on to often. I see signs he may have looked at a free vpn but no point asking as he will deny it, so once my big trip is done with him I may again go on the quest to see if he's being true to us as he says he is . !! It's like it's his treat and he will not give it up. Also like you say of your hubby they are wonderful in so many other ways, but sometimes I think is it because he feels guilty that he's lying to me. My hubby also said everyone does it, ok whatever I don't care about everyone else I gave him a choice a few times me or Porn and he continues to go back there. The thing that a lot of men don't get is women hold onto things carry grudges we have a memory like an elephant ha ha. Ok gotta go have a great weekend wherever you are. x