Vomiting thoughts

[Sammyjo]

Dear @Sammyjo , I reread your whole thread again. I knew it would be painful. I am not out of solutions for you but obviously your husband has to pick up the baton. Only he can do this. Tell him you KNOW it works. It is amazing. I feel different and I am different and your husband can be there too. @Sammyjo this may be your big chance, I am envious if so.

He does need to to better and more. He's a tough nut though. As I've said, he is reluctant to go for help with this...he is a very strong minded person who has overcome many battles on his own and believes this is what works best for him. I am not confident he will succeed on this one without help (which of course doesn't help with my trust issues). I am (sort of) mentally prepared for a relapse. If this happens ultimatums will be placed in front of him - or not - depending on if he is truthful or deceitful. If truthful it will be ultimatums, if he hides stuff again I will most likely walk. Time will tell and we will see.

 

[Gracie]

My husband and I went through similar things. I was talking to him in a restaurant at a hotel and he was not responding. I looked his gaze was fixed. A young woman 20s was walking away from her group. It was a getaway for us. We blew up once in the room and I layer it out. No more of that. He watched butts. All the time. Long hair mine is short. He had to quit looking. I was sooo hyper vigilant. At 60, I was no match and these were the ages of porn people. He did stop eventually. I told him every time I saw. It was a deal breaker for me. BTW I am now 70. But look 50. No wrinkles. But not 20 either. As a result of the looking though, there are still times I do not trust his compliments.

 

[Sammyjo]

My husband and I went through similar things. I was talking to him in a restaurant at a hotel and he was not responding. I looked his gaze was fixed. A young woman 20s was walking away from her group. It was a getaway for us. We blew up once in the room and I layer it out. No more of that. He watched butts. All the time. Long hair mine is short. He had to quit looking. I was sooo hyper vigilant. At 60, I was no match and these were the ages of porn people. He did stop eventually. I told him every time I saw. It was a deal breaker for me. BTW I am now 70. But look 50. No wrinkles. But not 20 either. As a result of the looking though, there are still times I do not trust his compliments.

Well now you have to share how you made it to 70 without wrinkles!

My husband is (was?) a watcher as well. He is making a huge effort to stop. It should mean something to me but all I can think is "why is it such an effort???". It's literally absurd to me that not looking or checking someone out can be hard to control. But I also get that I'm not quite like the other kids on the playground. I stopped looking when we got married. Don't get me wrong, I'm not praising myself for it, I just stopped looking - didn't have to try, rather it was just a natural thing that happened to me. That's why it's SO foreign that it would be hard to stop.

As for compliments.....sigh. I need to hear them - if he doesn't compliment me I worry more, but when he does I don't believe him. No win situation either of us. For now I'm TRYING to remember that he is putting effort in. For now that means something to me - but if there are more lies or omissions...well...you know.

Ya know what pisses me off the most? As I read what I've written I sound so pathetic an needy! WTF happened to me?! I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON!

Is there some option I am missing between being needy and walking out the door?

 

[Gracie]

Well 70 no wrinkles is all genes! I am lucky. I was same as you. Once married no looking around. It takes time. But when I held him responsible for looking I felt better. I told him it was disrespectful to me and our marriage. I also told him he was a good liar and all this he brought in was done sneakily. I was never going to be ambushed again. My blind 100% trust was gone. And no matter how long we would be together, it would never be that again. I trust him now, but I always watch. Because now I know it could happen.