Vomiting thoughts-Journey to Healing?

GBS

Well-Known Member
I don’t understand. What does “tame [your] expectations” mean? Did you ask him.

Got your back sister.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
I don’t understand. What does “tame [your] expectations” mean? Did you ask him.

Got your back sister.
He hasn't been a communicator of his real thoughts/feelings for many years now (since the P factor). Sharing has never been easy for him (typical growing up boy - stuff your feelings down) but we had many years where he would share (not profusely but enough), one of the reasons I married him.

He has connected SO many dots (10+ years of dots) over the last 24 hours I think it's overwhelming him.

I did ask, and he's afraid he'll let me down as far as the continuing to be able to have this depth of communication. Feels too much for him (my summery of his words) ....So why is he still reading????

Men say women are confusing!

He also said there is no straight line. I guess I know he is right, but I'm tired of the roller coaster and this felt like my straight line. 🥴
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
I think this song may sum how he's feeling? (don't let the fact that it's Alice Cooper scare you - it's amazing)
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
So he got home from his trip and wanted to have a night that was like a first date (as best you can 33 years in). Date night was great (to a certain point where it wasn't if you get my drift), the rest of the weekend was mostly good but left me feeling lost - (it was a lot of get to know you questions that started off like you might expect on a first date but then shifted to all sex related questions) really still processing a lot of this.

I suspect that he has been watching P for so long that real intimacy is petrifying - literally.

I have a lot to process, but I need to find the words so as not to trigger anyone.

I will say I am concerned for his health. It seems as though true intimacy may be causing his heart to literally race and pound, he was also trembling like when you have terrible chills. He is in no rush to see a doctor about it...and on another business trip til the end of the week.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Bit of a set back today.

I had a dream that we were having a "lively" discussion about his habit (that's what he prefers to call it). I don't recall the majority of it, but he said "RELAX, THEY'RE JUST KIDS!" My eyes popped open wide and I yelled back "KIDS???" - I yelled it out loud while sleeping and it woke me up. Today I feel sick inside all over again.

I wonder if I've been having dreams related to this all this time because there are many days I am feeling more "normal" and others where I wake up feeling like I do now.

I'm also feeling like I can't communicate any of this, or the stuff that's going through my head about this past weekend because I'm worried he's going to have a heart attack or stroke (not exaggerating). Between his job and what's going on with us, his stress level is off the charts and that whole heart racing/pounding thing is pretty scary. He is also traveling again this week so finding a good time to talk is difficult.

I've been avoiding going to counseling because of all the stuff I posted in my first post (all the therapy I did to fix me prior to finding out P was the problem, not me), but I think I'm going to have to go down that path and by myself because he is so against counseling. Also worried doing counseling on my own will pull me farther away from him and I don't want that.

Feeling pretty defeated today.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear about this Sammy.

That is really crazy about his stress levels and his racing heartbeat with chills. I have a hard time believing him trying to rekindle the flame between you guys would cause such health problems. No matter how hard intimacy is for him, there just seems to be more going on than just that. I sincerely hope he gets that checked out. Naturally by this I don't mean to say you couldn't get a man's heart to race. :cool:

I know it might feel like you can't ask him questions out of fear about this or that, but it's your right to do it, since it involves your own mental health as well. It's not a one way street after all.

Best to you, you're in my thoughts today.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@Sammyjo - IF (capital letters) you can talk to him when he is more relaxed, I think this has to be the highest priority. Communication and agreeing on a plan is so important. Therapy is really useful but you’re saying he is against. I am not quite sure why, but a therapist would possibly help him in multiple ways. I think admitting one needs a therapist is actually one of the biggest steps, arguably the hardest. Maybe your seeing a therapist on your own will give you some advice on how you get him to go too (either with you or not). I think separate therapists, while expensive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re further apart.

Keep talking. We’re on your side here at RN.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Hey @GBS and @Blondie

I've been working at a way to say this without triggers and keep it concise.

You'll recall I've referred to my husband as an emotional stone. On our date night he shared a lot of emotional baggage (most of which is related to physically maturing much later than most). He asked me questions that he should have known about me. These conversations allowed him to finally SEE and HEAR me. (I was already pretty sure where he was at emotionally and where it came from)

This is the part that might be triggering, but I feel it sheds a lot of light on his state of mind.

We went "upstairs" and (fast forward a bit) he looked at me as though Brooke Burke were standing in front of him, eyes huge, jaw on the floor and said "What the fuck! How did I get you!?" (In a complementary way) He told me my looks are intimidating to him. There was more but you get the idea. Then there was "failure to launch" and that's when his heart started racing and pounding.

I am fairly certain this was a physical reaction to a combination of being emotionally "naked" with me and realizing what he had risked by choosing P, and perhaps with the new knowledge of my emotional past, had a "too deep" of an understanding of the pain he's caused me. That said he has mentioned the heart thing a couple times since "D Day" although I can't recall the circumstances surrounding the events. In addition to that he is terribly stressed in his job, and he doesn't want to make a change there because he feels the $ is too damn good.

So yes - he does need to see a doctor and he does need therapy. Hopefully it doesn't take a heart attack to convince him of that.

I appreciate you guys sounding in. It makes me think more logically rather than emotionally and is immensely helpful. Which in turn makes it easier to approach these topics with him.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
He comes home tomorrow. I'm actually excited to see him, we have another date night planned. (Last week when he came home from his travels I was pretty numb about seeing him. He had told me he wanted to do the date night and I was on board, with the idea, even hopeful, but skeptical.)

We've had pretty good communication throughout the week. Almost every time we talk he says things that make it clear that he gets my point of view, and the damage done. He is opening up more and our conversations have been calm and understanding. Ironically, his patience with me "getting over it" seems to be growing and I am the one trying to push myself back to trust.

I have a desire to lose myself in him, but as soon as I start feeling that way my wall comes up.

I realize the key to all of this is consistency from him over time. The fear is that as time passes, his efforts will diminish as well as the emotions he has about causing this rift, and we will end up back where we were in April. This fear is definitely the tricky part.

As for his health, he should be home all week which will give me opportunity to discuss this with him.
 
Hey Sammyjo I've been following your story and I've learned about the women's perspective on this PMO issue. Thanks for sharing!

I pray you all have a good relaxing date and that you get to smile, laugh, and have a great time. Also, that any conversations about his issues will be calm and productive. You deserve peace and love and trust!

Keep us posted and have a great time!

GB
 
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ImBroken

Member
Just sending a thanks out to you all - this thread has provided me with some clarity in my thinking. @Sammyjo - you are much stronger than I at this point. I don’t think I am up for something close to your journey. After 30 years the love is not the same. I can blame P all I want for this last fuck up - but maybe I checked out long ago and this is just the catalyst. Life wasn’t fantastic prior to my “Finding out” - but it was tolerable and there was a semblance of a valuable relationship from a “partner” standpoint. I don’t think I have the gumption to help/support/heal/whatever with him. What is holding me back from just saying - get out and focus on moving on. I am not afraid to be alone…I am in a shit situation where whatever I choose, nothing will be the same - any choice is a shitty one. But thanks for allowing me to see clearer…even just for today.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
@Sammyjo have you heard of the book Erotic Intelligence? I've just started listening to it on audible, it's aimed more at the addicts, and igniting intimacy after sex addiction, but I'm really enjoying it. Sex was something really special and scared to me and I feel like the betrayal of porn addiction has broken something in me and I am hell bent on getting it back!!!!! It might not be your thing, but thought I would post the link!

 
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Sammyjo

Active Member
Just sending a thanks out to you all - this thread has provided me with some clarity in my thinking. @Sammyjo - you are much stronger than I at this point. I don’t think I am up for something close to your journey. After 30 years the love is not the same. I can blame P all I want for this last fuck up - but maybe I checked out long ago and this is just the catalyst. Life wasn’t fantastic prior to my “Finding out” - but it was tolerable and there was a semblance of a valuable relationship from a “partner” standpoint. I don’t think I have the gumption to help/support/heal/whatever with him. What is holding me back from just saying - get out and focus on moving on. I am not afraid to be alone…I am in a shit situation where whatever I choose, nothing will be the same - any choice is a shitty one. But thanks for allowing me to see clearer…even just for today.
HA! I'm not sure if I'm up for this journey, yet here I am.

We just had our 33rd anniversary. And no, the love is not the same and hasn't been for a very long time. Time alone can cause this, but you add in P and they become so distant and you feel so alone. Add on betrayal and finding the love and trust seem unfathomable.

I'm glad I finally found out about the P because he's been so emotionally detached for so many years, at least I finally had the explanation. I thought it was me, and there were tons of times I had the thought "I'm done". I was so tired of being invisible to him, so tired do trying to get his attention and it failing. That all eats away at the love. Our relationship also has felt like a "tolerable partnership" for a long time with some fun mixed in. A few weeks ago I had a bag packed, ready to go, he said something like it's a shame because when we are good together we make a great team. (Glad I just recalled this, every shred of positive interaction, no matter how small, helps me re-commit to getting back to more than just a tolerable partnership.)

And yes, all the choices are shitty. Any way you look at it there will be more pain. Kinda makes you want to punch them in the face and say "THANKS ASSHOLE"!

Well, I got my brain going down an ugly rabbit hole and I need to get back to being excited to see him and have a date night. I wish you the best in whatever choices you make, please keep us posted.

@Beautiful1973 Thanks for the tip. At the moment we are trying to re-establish trust, or at least enough of it that I feel I can have anything other than "vanilla" sex. We have a long way to go before I'm ready to think about "hot" sex again. Perhaps a reminder in a few months.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Well date night was "ok". His plan of asking "get to know you" type questions turned into him asking a lot of questions related to sex. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with talking about our sex life, but he had said the point of date night was to take sex off the table and really get to know each other again. Anyway.....it wasn't like our "first date" last weekend, but it wasn't a total bust. (We have since talked about this.)

Flash forward to the rest of the weekend. Something has definitely changed with him (for me it's for the better, for him he is a bit uncomfortable with it)...he is really opening up, I would actually venture to say he is having emotions he has never experienced.

For example we were at a family party and I was being a social butterfly, catching up with all the relatives. (I thought he was doing the same - he's as chatty as I am.) After the party he shared with me that he was feeling (I don't remember his exact words but) deserted - like we were at the same party but not together, and it bothered him.

We had another conversation where he told me for the first time in his life HIS brain went down a rabbit hole and it left him shaken. A rabbit hole similar to the ones we SO's go through.

He doesn't like it because he is wired to believe all this emotional stuff is a sign of weakness (most men are wired that way). Chatted about this and he doesn't buy into "sharing these emotions and thoughts is very difficult, but it takes strength to do this" - at least he isn't giving up trying. My heart is pretty happy at the moment that he would put himself through this for us (even though he did create the problem - it means the world to me).

He's definitely, and suddenly seeing things SO differently.

AND HE IS GOING TO THE DOCTOR TOMORROW!!!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Well - He had his doctor's appointment today. Nothing seriously wrong as far as they can tell. Blood pressure slightly elevated (just keep an eye on it, reduce sodium intake, medication not necessary). Follow-up appointment in a few months. They had no thoughts on the "trembling" (he didn't mention it's only when we get physically intimate), he didn't mention the sporadic ED, and didn't bring up the events going on between us since April. If it doesn't improve, he might bring up the ED at the next appointment.

I really don't understand this trembling thing. When he has the trembling thing his junk doesn't work properly - sometimes failure to launch and sometimes gets hard but loses it quickly. The only thing I can equate it to is that is started happening after he began opening up emotionally to me, and it coincided with the notable change in how looks at me and treats me, and it only happens when we are having a very "emotionally open" night.

I keep going back to 2 things - Re-wiring/brain chemistry or maybe being that emotionally intimate is that un-nerving for him (on a sub-conscious level fear is presenting as trembling).🤷‍♀️

Anybody have any thoughts on this?
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
My two pennies’ worth: it’s in your head, that’s for sure. If you put pressure on yourself (a man that is) to perform then you set yourself up to fail. Highly emotional evenings do not always end in the greatest sex. They can of course, just some men (me included) have been known to self apply pressure. The second you think about it, the problem starts. What to do? Tell the doctor! Talk more. Make him understand that you don’t judge him at all for this.

Errrr…..why didn’t he ask the doctor?
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
If you ask the doctor, then you have to talk about something being wrong. Even after my husband had low T I had to go and be the one who brought up “the problem”. Even then it took him over a year to finally say yes to Cialis. He still doesn’t like to take it. Guess it’s a man thing of sorts for him. I do not get it.
 
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