Thoughts on cuddling
My husband came to me yesterday and asked if I thought I would ever be able to cuddle him again. EYE OPENER! Had NO idea this was a concern for him.
My first response was "I hope so". And over my morning coffee a thought occurred to me (which I shared most of with him)...
I've been asking him to snuggle me, like we lay in bed with my back to him and he snuggles me. I can't initiate sex (mentally) right now and have told him that, I am afraid if I snuggle him he is going to think I am looking for sex. He is aware that I am perfectly fine with him initiating sex, but I can't right now.
I did snuggle him last night, at first half heartedly and he called me out on it, so I gave him the full snuggle and a bit of a back rub. It didn't kill me, and I was ok with it, but fear was in my way of giving him a full loving snuggle.
Here's the thing...I think I am being "selfish" because he was selfish. I want the snuggles, "you owe me", "make ME feel loved", and I still have a ton of fear. I share verbally with him, but am withholding the touch. For some odd reason I enjoy sex and him snuggling me, but fear sneaks in when I snuggle him. Maybe I'm in "take mode" - I gave, gave, gave while you were off getting off to other women, it's my turn to get? His turn to fill the void he created? Fill the void so I know I can trust you?
Anyway, bottom line...I do love my husband, and I do want us to get back to a good solid "us", I want to snuggle him and send him love while I snuggle him, fear is still holding me back. How long is it going to take to get rid of the fear? Will it always be there on some level that we just have to accept and try to work into the new "us"? Still in self preservation mode I guess. I guess I'm afraid if I go back to the normal loving person I was too soon he will go back to the emotionally shut down porn loving person he was.