Vomiting thoughts-Journey to Healing?

[Sammyjo]

@Beautiful1973

Ya...I'm not ready to do that.

I've been wanting to do something like that for a while, I'm just plain not ready. I already feel like I've been too easy on him (although he doesn't see it that way).

I sit here pondering what I am feeling. I feel like he owes me on the emotional side of our relationship. I feel like I've been robbed of the man I married for years. While I've been trying to create romantic moments all these years he was busy lusting up a storm with 1000's of other women (girls really). So for now, creating romance is solely his job.

Funny, I've been pondering how you know if you've forgiven someone because I often feel like I have forgiven him and we just need to continue to rebuild trust. But twice this morning I have been hit with waves of "F You!" while looking at deeper emotions...so guess I haven't forgiven yet. One of the reasons he asked me to marry him was because he was amazed at how non-judgmental and forgiving I was of others. He's probably not so impressed with those traits right now.

Thanks for your thoughts, keep them coming, they help me dig deeper. (Although my husband might prefer I do less digging)

Edit: More thoughts on forgiveness...My husband seems to think that I will know I have forgiven him when the angry thoughts stop. What about the hurt and fear? I think it's the recurring feelings of hurt and fear that keep the angry thoughts popping in. I wonder if those feelings will fully go away. I can say the frequency and intensity have diminished. But the idea that I am unable/unwilling to make that romantic gesture suggests...I'm not sure, I guess I am still protecting my heart.

 

[Sammyjo]

@Beautiful1973
I have to say you really got me thinking.

A couple years ago I was feeling like giving someone "a dose of their own medicine" (totally unrelated to the current situation). I was talking to my BFF about this and she said something like "That is SO unlike you! Don't stoop to their level just to prove a point, be true to who YOU ARE."

Who am I? I feel like this current situation has changed me, but has it really?

I was very forgiving (to a fault). Kind (to a fault). Giving (to a fault). This was my core.

I DO want to be these things again. I feel myself pulled to be these things with him. What stops me is fear of him forgetting the pain he's caused and doing it all over again.

Many SO's may read this and think me weak or that he has manipulated me, but when he told me (in not so many words) that he hurts because I wasn't snuggling him, I hurt for him.

I DON'T want or need to hurt him back. I don't want to hurt for him, but I do (this is part of my core). I do need to be sure he won't hurt me again.

So then I look at what is stopping me from creating a romantic moment...Fear (talked about it above). The book we are reading would have me look at what is driving the fear, what is the worst thing that could happen if I do this. (Again it would be a recycling of the past events.) Next the book would have us discuss how he can make me feel safer "putting myself out there". I guess the fact is we aren't far enough into the healing process for me to trust this is a safe risk of my heart.

My next thought is what good could (possibly) come from this? It could make him happy and feel more secure. (Yes, through this process he has developed some insecurities, used to take our marriage commitment for granted, now he worries I might not always be here...this also makes me sad...Yes, HE CAUSED all of this, but I still hurt when he hurts.) Anyway, yes, it may make him feel more secure which in theory should make me happy, but in the long run may cause more fear.

I guess it comes down to helping him or protecting me. I am a giver by nature. Guess I have more thinking to do.

 

[Gracie]

Wow! A lot there. I get every word you said. When we are with the one that hurt us every day, it is difficult to choose a path. Part of it is because we want to know the outcome. The other is what they did is the wound and ironically they are the band aid for the wound. Also, voice of experience here, if ED is a problem, planning a romantic sexual moment can be a complete disaster. My husband and I both did this during recovery, the planning and the doing, and then failure to launch. What we did do, and this depends on each individuals comfort level, was plan physical interaction every other day. So cuddling, snuggling, making out, maybe sex. But physical touch in bed naked every other night. Most often no sex because that was not the intent. It was loving caring physical touch. It was bonding. Full length body hugs. Again not sex. Just a thought.

 

[Jlied]

Hi @Sammyjo i have a similar situation or as similar as these things can be only I’m the porn abuser but I also travel a fair bit for work. For me my work trips is when I would act out most whether it was binge sessions of porn or going to chat sites for entertainment boredom was a big driver for me, it seems that is what I typically turned to even back in my younger days.

after my wife found out we went through the same issues the two of you face, she got major anxiety spikes and it would keep her up all night. She would get upset when I had to leave for a trip. We discussed me leaving this job for something that allowed me to be home and not travel but the place I’m at is close to home, it pays well, and it doesn’t command any of my time when I’m not working which allows me to be present when home. I would have to have a commute of 45 minutes or more if I were to try and find a job where I didn’t travel that paid similar and then I’m not home as much during the weeks. One of the compromises I made is I leave as late in the day as I can on a day I need to travel out and try to fly home the same day I finish up work when possible. This has helped cut down on idle time for me. I had the good fortune (if you want to call it that) of all of this happening at the end of 2019 and because of covid I didn’t travel at all for that year so it helped me work on abstaining from porn because I was home all the time and it gave us some time to heal up before I started to travel again. But it’s still awkward, I know it still bothers her even though she puts on a brave face. She still texts me when she’s feeling anxious or upset and I make sure to let her say everything in her mind and reassure her I am not doing those things. It sucks that I did this to her and our relationship. She is such a loving person and what makes it worse is she has never even put herself in a position to do anything that would dishonor our marriage.

this may sound stupid but it puts a lot of pressure on me to match her integrity and know that no matter what I/we will always be stained by my decisions. I can say that things between us have been really good though as I’ve made strides in myself. It’s made us better at communicating that’s for sure. But I just wanted to say that as the traveler it’s hard in me too because I am always worried about her and how she’s feeling. And then I start getting down knowing the pain I’ve caused. I think as long as the two of you remain committed to getting through this and he can consistently prove to you he’s trying and succeeding you should be able to get some of those old feelings back, at least this was the case in our ongoing saga.

I guess the last thing I’d like to say is that we live double lives when we are addicted to porn, we do shady shit, we take advantage of people and we take things for granted. And mostly we are selfish and thoughtless…..BUT it doesn’t mean that the things we’ve said, the love we’ve given, the things we do are not real, it may seem hollow but we still care about our loved ones. Those things are not faked or just an act, at least not for me. I feel like I’m rambling and not accurately putting my thoughts in writing.

I’m just trying to say that we tarnish almost everything but inside we hurt knowing what we’re doing (or at least most of us) is hurting you. But our addiction doesn’t change our love for you and the good times that have been experienced or tender moments that we’re had, they are us, we feel them just the same. The good parts of us are in there and more than anything want to shine, we just don’t know how to make that happen with regularity……

 

[Beautiful1973]

Many SO's may read this and think me weak or that he has manipulated me, but when he told me (in not so many words) that he hurts because I wasn't snuggling him, I hurt for him.

@Sammyjo it takes great courage to be vulnerable and thank you for sharing.
And no one thinks your weak for acknowledging your man’s pain, that is beautiful, you are human, and he is your beloved.

Sorry if I have stirred emotions in you,when I suggested a romantic gesture, I wasn’t necessarily meaning sex, I was meaning intimacy……but also sex doesn’t have to mean penetration or a hard cock. My ex and I have had HOURS of sex & intimacy with a beautiful soft cock…… sorry I digress!!!!
Also none of us can guarantee that we won’t be hurt again, that they won’t watch porn again, won’t cross our boundaries again…… we are taking a risk, again having courage & vulnerability, a leap of faith.
If you forgive him (when your ready), it doesn’t me it’s all forgotten, it doesn’t mean he’s got away with it, it doesn’t take away the hurt and the time you’ve lost.

 

[Jlied]

@Sammyjo it takes great courage to be vulnerable and thank you for sharing.
And know one thinks your weak for acknowledging your man’s pain, that is beautiful, you are human, and he is your beloved.

Sorry if I have stirred emotions in you,when I suggested a romantic gesture, I wasn’t necessarily meaning sex, I was meaning intimacy……but also sex doesn’t have to mean penetration or a hard cock. My ex and I have had HOURS of sex & intimacy with a beautiful soft cock…… sorry I digress!!!!
Also none of us can guarantee that we won’t be hurt again, that they won’t watch porn again, won’t cross our boundaries again…… we are taking a risk, again having courage & vulnerability, a leap of faith.
If you forgive him (when your ready), it doesn’t me it’s all forgotten, it doesn’t mean he’s got away with it, it doesn’t take away the hurt and the time you’ve lost.

@Beautiful1973 i love this post of yours. It’s so honest and vulnerable. As someone who is working on ending my addiction posts like this are a really powerful thing. Obviously I’m not your man but hearing things like this is motivation, it’s redemption, it’s love. Some of my favorite intimate things don’t involve penetrative sex at all. My main love languages are physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. For me I love when we are laying in bed cuddling naked. I like the skin to skin contact. I love caressing each other. Sometimes we’ll talk about things in our relationship during this. As a man I don’t always have to be “hard” in intimate moments, I actually like situations that don’t involve sex at all.

also to your point of not being able to guarantee not being hurt again, you’re absolutely right. Just as we can’t say we will absolutely never view explicit content again. From your stand point our words are hollow, lord knows we’ve said plenty of empty lies. All we can do is show you with our actions how we’re changing. If we can walk the walk it makes it easier for you to accept the talk. We know we may never have your full trust, we know you will never look at us with again as the men you thought we were. But to know you aren’t giving up on us and you’re taking a risk on us is a major motivating factor to stay consistent in our approach to getting better.

I know all the things still exist in the background but from my standpoint they get better with time and conversations about the pat get easier the more you have them. The more I can be honest about my past life and talk her through things the more she heals. As long as both parties are vested things can work out. We need to handle our business regardless if you stay or go, but knowing you’re still there makes recovery SOOOOOOO much easier to tackle.

thanks for this.

 

[Sammyjo]

it doesn’t mean that the things we’ve said, the love we’ve given, the things we do are not real, it may seem hollow but we still care about our loved ones. Those things are not faked or just an act, at least not for me. I feel like I’m rambling and not accurately putting my thoughts in writing.

First, you were well understood and not rambling. Second, you made me cry - happy/sad tears. To know that the good memories stored in my mind and in photographs are not a fraud is ironically overwhelming. Thank you so much for your thoughts!

The job - Stresses (A LOT) him but he is thrilled with the $$$

The travel piece - he also tries to limit it, but I know he misses it. (Not specifically for the porn, but to be in a different place and talk with different people) When he does travel, he is back at his room by 9 or so and calls. I've so much as facetimed him and made him show me every corner of the room and bathroom at 1am to gain comfort. (Not my best moment) Also, he works from home a lot, and it was going on right under my nose from his home office during the almost 2 years of not traveling during covid - so unless we are connected at the hip it's hard to not be worried. (Sorry, side rant)

this may sound stupid but it puts a lot of pressure on me to match her integrity

I wonder if this is an issue for him. I don't "look" and the vast majority of our date nights he asks tons of questions that seem like he is trying to prove I look at and notice other men. It's just not a thing for me and he can't seem to let it go. When we married I developed "tunnel vision", I didn't have to put effort into it, it just happened. To clarify, I don't notice on my own, however if a friend points someone out I will think "yes attractive" or "not attractive" no more thought goes into it. It's been discussed to death yet he keeps asking.

Also, voice of experience here, if ED is a problem, planning a romantic sexual moment can be a complete disaster. My husband and I both did this during recovery, the planning and the doing, and then failure to launch.

Yup! Messes with my mind. Primarily because of all the issues that were prevalent when I knew/didn't know about the porn. The excuses are all too similar.

As for naked cuddles, we've done this for years (minus a week or so when I found out about the porn). One of the many reasons he claimed to be such a lucky man.

Well...thank you all for helping me sort through this crap. My brain is overworked and tired. So I will sleep (hopefully) on this and process it. Hopefully I won't have an entire novel to write tomorrow.

 

[Beautiful1973]

But to know you aren’t giving up on us and you’re taking a risk on us is a major motivating factor to stay consistent in our approach to getting better.

Thank you @Jlied your post gave me goosebumps and made me feel seen.
I see my man, I still look at him the same way as I always did, I still love and desire him.......but as you say he needs to earn my trust back.
We have been separated for two months, and he has started to reach for me again, I stood my ground and told him that if he couldn't respect my boundaries, then I would put myself first and walk away.......this has given him the opportunity to seek active recovery and evaluate the loss of the relationship......I am a special Woman, I know who I am, even amongst all the pain, I feel compassion and love for him......holding onto the hurt serves me no purpose.

 

[Sammyjo]

What a difference a day makes! And what a difference some open sharing makes!

Apparently my husband had another sleepless night and decided to look through old photos.

Several years ago, when I knew something wasn't right between us but not about the P, (actually I had been suspicious (close to certain) for about 2 years that he was having an affair), he had a business trip to Vegas that I tagged along. Prior to this trip I had been on his case for a long time about his "looking" (never once saw him look at another woman the first 10-15 years of our marriage and then it became frequent) - At least have the decency to not do it in front of me! Well, he was doing a LOT of looking on this trip and I was out of my mind. One night my BFF and I walked down to the "old" strip. I had been drinking and I was PISSED OFF! There was a street performer, a cowboy with chaps and no shirt, I had my BFF take a pic of me with him and then sent it to my husband.

At the time, it made him mad and I lied and said I was sorry, that wasn't my intention. Actually, it my intention wasn't to make him mad, but to make him feel for just one moment how he was making me feel everyday and I have since admitted this to him. (It was a stunning picture of me by the way!)

Anyway, he was going through pics last night and came across this one, lots of pics where I look SO happy, and some "racy" ones I've sent him over the years. He mentioned that the cowboy and I made a really "cute couple", and how happy I looked in the other pics. He felt terrible about what he's done to me and us. That he had taken the smile from my face. He has a lot of regret. Said something like "I can't believe I blew this".

I am sorry he has to experience regret but glad he is. It's an indication that he is realizing how lucky he was and didn't appreciate it. It's an indication that he is now appreciating me/it/us. It's a good sign for our future.

 

[Jlied]

First, you were well understood and not rambling. Second, you made me cry - happy/sad tears. To know that the good memories stored in my mind and in photographs are not a fraud is ironically overwhelming. Thank you so much for your thoughts!

The job - Stresses (A LOT) him but he is thrilled with the $$$

The travel piece - he also tries to limit it, but I know he misses it. (Not specifically for the porn, but to be in a different place and talk with different people) When he does travel, he is back at his room by 9 or so and calls. I've so much as facetimed him and made him show me every corner of the room and bathroom at 1am to gain comfort. (Not my best moment) Also, he works from home a lot, and it was going on right under my nose from his home office during the almost 2 years of not traveling during covid - so unless we are connected at the hip it's hard to not be worried. (Sorry, side rant)


I wonder if this is an issue for him. I don't "look" and the vast majority of our date nights he asks tons of questions that seem like he is trying to prove I look at and notice other men. It's just not a thing for me and he can't seem to let it go. When we married I developed "tunnel vision", I didn't have to put effort into it, it just happened. To clarify, I don't notice on my own, however if a friend points someone out I will think "yes attractive" or "not attractive" no more thought goes into it. It's been discussed to death yet he keeps asking.


Yup! Messes with my mind. Primarily because of all the issues that were prevalent when I knew/didn't know about the porn. The excuses are all too similar.

As for naked cuddles, we've done this for years (minus a week or so when I found out about the porn). One of the many reasons he claimed to be such a lucky man.

Well...thank you all for helping me sort through this crap. My brain is overworked and tired. So I will sleep (hopefully) on this and process it. Hopefully I won't have an entire novel to write tomorrow.

Hi @Sammyjo im relieved to hear you understood what I was trying to say and that the words resonated with you. I am quite sure that the man who is in all those photos you have…..that is the real man, and he is still to an extent that same man, he’s going through things that are hard to explain until you’ve gone through it yourself, it sounds like he is giving you an honest effort and that’s a big thing. You are worth changing his life for and he’s hopefully working on that.

to your point about him questioning you all the time on if you find other men attractive, I think there are 2 reasons for this. The first reason is (and it’s a selfish reason) because if you find other people attractive he doesn’t have to feel so guilty of his behavior because you do it too and it’s easier to justify his actions as not as bad. Secondly, I think because men are so visual it’s hard for us to believe you couldn’t find other people attractive in a “I wonder what they look like naked way”. I’m not saying we constantly do this but with as firm fitting as clothing is these days not a lot is left to the imagination so naturally our minds can drift in that direction. That being said, it’s not a healthy behavior and it takes practice and time for us to work on averting our eyes and bumping the thought from our mind so we don’t dwell on it. Kudos to you for not falling pray to that behavior. There is more I could say to this but I feel like it’s a whole separate conversation.

lastly, your man is most definitely a lucky man. It’s good that you can or at least are still intimate with him. Naked cuddles are such a great way to feel close to someone physical touch in a big way to feel connected to someone, at least in my opinion. I known from my own perspective if my wife and I aren’t affectionate with each for a few days whether it’s physical touch, cuddling on the couch or just a random hug or kiss we start feeling distance with each other and we check in to see how we are feeling emotionally or mentally. I love when she lightly strokes my arm or leg with her finger tips when we are in the couch and when she does that during naked cuddles…….watch out lol. But also another thing that really helps us to feel connected is going on walks. We have some of the best deep conversations when we go for a long walk. We talk about everything and generally the difficult conversations are easier to have during that time.

hang in there, I really think things will get better as long as you are both working in each other.

 

[Jlied]

Thank you @Jlied your post gave me goosebumps and made me feel seen.
I see my man, I still look at him the same way as I always did, I still love and desire him.......but as you say he needs to earn my trust back.
We have been separated for two months, and he has started to reach for me again, I stood my ground and told him that if he couldn't respect my boundaries, then I would put myself first and walk away.......this has given him the opportunity to seek active recovery and evaluate the loss of the relationship......I am a special Woman, I know who I am, even amongst all the pain, I feel compassion and love for him......holding onto the hurt serves me no purpose.

@Beautiful1973 we need that you know, we need that boundary. If you don’t give it to us we’ll take advantage of it. He needs to know what he’s losing or lost. It’s the only way for things to really set in sometimes. Sounds aweful I know, but our minds get so distorted by the shit we feed it and the lies we tell ourselves to justify our actions. We live in fantasy and in fantasy everything works out. We need a hard reality check occasionally. You certainly seem like a bad ass chic and it’s good you know that too.

I agree that holding the hurt serves no purpose other than protecting your heart. But if you want to move forward with him, and he is doing his job by taking the necessary steps then bringing up the past and throwing it in his face all the time only serves to break things down and eventually he won’t see the benefit of working in himself so the two of you can move forward. Again, we feel the pain of our mistakes, it’s ok to talk to him about emotions your feeling if you’re being triggered, we owe it to you to let you speak your truth, and it helps you get that negativity out of your mind. But it’s also not helpful to use it as a manipulation tool in the same way (of course I’m not implying that you do this). stay positive and stay strong. If he wants to include you on his journey to healing engage him. If he wants to talk about positives he’s noticed in the work he’s out in listen, if he’s including you in that process he sees a future with you.

 

[Jlied]

What a difference a day makes! And what a difference some open sharing makes!

Apparently my husband had another sleepless night and decided to look through old photos.

Several years ago, when I knew something wasn't right between us but not about the P, (actually I had been suspicious (close to certain) for about 2 years that he was having an affair), he had a business trip to Vegas that I tagged along. Prior to this trip I had been on his case for a long time about his "looking" (never once saw him look at another woman the first 10-15 years of our marriage and then it became frequent) - At least have the decency to not do it in front of me! Well, he was doing a LOT of looking on this trip and I was out of my mind. One night my BFF and I walked down to the "old" strip. I had been drinking and I was PISSED OFF! There was a street performer, a cowboy with chaps and no shirt, I had my BFF take a pic of me with him and then sent it to my husband.

At the time, it made him mad and I lied and said I was sorry, that wasn't my intention. Actually, it my intention wasn't to make him mad, but to make him feel for just one moment how he was making me feel everyday and I have since admitted this to him. (It was a stunning picture of me by the way!)

Anyway, he was going through pics last night and came across this one, lots of pics where I look SO happy, and some "racy" ones I've sent him over the years. He mentioned that the cowboy and I made a really "cute couple", and how happy I looked in the other pics. He felt terrible about what he's done to me and us. That he had taken the smile from my face. He has a lot of regret. Said something like "I can't believe I blew this".

I am sorry he has to experience regret but glad he is. It's an indication that he is realizing how lucky he was and didn't appreciate it. It's an indication that he is now appreciating me/it/us. It's a good sign for our future.

Love it! It’s amazing what we notice when the haze around our head clears. We get so tunnel visioned by our selfish needs we don’t notice life around us as much. I love that he yearns for the time when things were pure between you two. I like that he has noticed the change in you because of what he’s done. And it’s great to see he’s accepted responsibility for his actions towards you.

you are our people, our family. I’m sure he’s hurting because he has hurt the person he’s loved more than anyone. There is a song that I listened to a lot shortly before my wife found out about everything. The song was by illenium and the name was take you down. Look up the lyrics if you like (I was never suicidal, just to clarify) but a lot of the lyrics resonated with me. My downward spiral was taking her down with me.

I knew I was in too deep. I was going against everything our vows stood for. I knew every time I looked at videos or hopped in a chat room it was going to kill her if she found out. I knew every time I participated in that behavior i shouldn’t, but damn, i couldn’t stop it. I didn’t have control. In a way her finding out was the best thing that could have happened because I’m afraid how far I would have gone. Man, it’s humbling to know just how weak and controlled by something you can really be and it happens without you even knowing.

thanks to you and @Beautiful1973 for sharing your side of the struggle. It’s powerful too

 

[ImBroken]

Wow - I am not going to be Dave Downer here - but the chats and sharing above…have at least let me look at other people’s angles. Its only 30 days after D-day and I’m at a point where my emotions are as raw as the moment I found out (30 years together as a gay couple - 10 legally married) I know the male/male thing is a different ball of wax - but the betrayal, the hurt, the pain does not know gender boundaries. We had a long talk tonight. He is aware that there is a 1% chance that we will stay together after he has completed his initial 90 days. He cried for the first time through all of this and he takes full responsibility. I have very little empathy for him - I know he’s hurting, I know he fucked it all up - I do not punish him and I have been more civil than I thought I could ever be (minus D-Day where I flipped the fuck out…bad!). I’m thankful that @Jlied provided his story and his understanding to the damage. I’m so afraid of the time investment of all of this - the every day risk that will be involved for years…I asked my husband what he wants if he gets that 1% chance on day 90 - He said #1 he wants for me to be happy and #2 for himself to be happy and free (or on a road to freedom) from the addiction. In a truly unthought out moment - I said, Well both of those things can be done and we don’t have to be together. I wish I was at a place where I could feel something while I know he is hurting from his actions and the place he has currently brought us to…unfortunately…I just don’t have it - can’t find it - don’t care about it - if I really had it…I would hurt for him…I’m still just so damned angry and disgusted…and embarrassed and shattered. But thank you all for showing me some really cool profiles in courage. Right now my courage is all concentrated in getting out of bed, showering and trying to work every day. As a recovering alcoholic and addict myself (was long sober before we ever met) - I can honestly say - this P addiction and Sex addiction may be the most powerful, controlling and evil one I have ever encountered…I just wish, as a spouse…I could take a couple days off from it and pretend like it doesn’t exist - but I can’t and I wouldn’t wish this pain, heartache and loss of esteem on my worst enemy. I’ve never, ever wanted to play the role of victim…alas, here I am.

 

[ImBroken]

OK…so I was a Dave Downer above…sorry to be a buzz kill…but if I can’t be honest with y’all - there is no place for me.

 

[Jlied]

Wow - I am not going to be Dave Downer here - but the chats and sharing above…have at least let me look at other people’s angles. Its only 30 days after D-day and I’m at a point where my emotions are as raw as the moment I found out (30 years together as a gay couple - 10 legally married) I know the male/male thing is a different ball of wax - but the betrayal, the hurt, the pain does not know gender boundaries. We had a long talk tonight. He is aware that there is a 1% chance that we will stay together after he has completed his initial 90 days. He cried for the first time through all of this and he takes full responsibility. I have very little empathy for him - I know he’s hurting, I know he fucked it all up - I do not punish him and I have been more civil than I thought I could ever be (minus D-Day where I flipped the fuck out…bad!). I’m thankful that @Jlied provided his story and his understanding to the damage. I’m so afraid of the time investment of all of this - the every day risk that will be involved for years…I asked my husband what he wants if he gets that 1% chance on day 90 - He said #1 he wants for me to be happy and #2 for himself to be happy and free (or on a road to freedom) from the addiction. In a truly unthought out moment - I said, Well both of those things can be done and we don’t have to be together. I wish I was at a place where I could feel something while I know he is hurting from his actions and the place he has currently brought us to…unfortunately…I just don’t have it - can’t find it - don’t care about it - if I really had it…I would hurt for him…I’m still just so damned angry and disgusted…and embarrassed and shattered. But thank you all for showing me some really cool profiles in courage. Right now my courage is all concentrated in getting out of bed, showering and trying to work every day. As a recovering alcoholic and addict myself (was long sober before we ever met) - I can honestly say - this P addiction and Sex addiction may be the most powerful, controlling and evil one I have ever encountered…I just wish, as a spouse…I could take a couple days off from it and pretend like it doesn’t exist - but I can’t and I wouldn’t wish this pain, heartache and loss of esteem on my worst enemy. I’ve never, ever wanted to play the role of victim…alas, here I am.

Ok so we’re you a Debbie downer? I think it’s up for debate. I feel like groups like this are meant for us to vent whether it’s the addict or the innocent casualty. I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I’m sure I would be hurt if the roles were reversed. And the pain knows no orientation, gender, or race, like love it’s universal. I know 30 days feels like a long time but you’re still at the beginning, that’s not to say you will never change your feelings but time does settle a lot of emotions, you may still want to kick him in the dick when you look at him, you may not, I’m just saying time will mellow you out if you allow it to.

it’s scary to think that you may have to take things a day at a time from here on out, you’ve invested a long time into that person and to have all that shattered over night has got to be……I’m not sure I have a descriptive word for that emotion. No one could fault you if it was too much to overcome and I don’t think anyone would call you a failure. You’ve already overcome so much so when you say right now your courage goes to getting out of bed everyday I think that’s all you can ask of yourself. You need to take care of yourself first. Let him take care of himself, recovery has to be primarily for him, he has to be right before you two can be right.

you’ll get through this, who knows what things will look like in the other side but one thing is for sure you’ll have learned a lot and you’ll be sure of where you’re at. Thank you for sharing your feelings, I’m here if you need to vent or even ask questions, I’m an open book so don’t worry about offending me. In the meantime I hope you’re able to find some peace in the short term.

 

[Sammyjo]

@ImBroken You weren't a dave downer. I agree with @Jlied this is a safe place for all to vent and help each other understand.

I was in the same place as you for months after d day. As Jlied said, 30 may feel like forever now, but IT IS going to take more time to mellow about this. I'm 7 months in and still on the roller coaster.

Regarding the strangely calm conversations that you mentioned, I think it happens because you're heart is so smashed you can no longer feel anything, unless you feel rage, and that rage is so powerful and painful none of us want to feel it. As for where I'm at emotionally with my husband, a day doesn't go by that I question if I am handling this right, by allowing some love creep back in...will he destroy me again? For me it comes down to if I let anyone "in" there is a chance they could destroy me, so why not try again with "my person" - the one that knows me best and I've shared a life with.

I preface all that with "FOR ME" - I'm not like most of the other kids

Maybe I'm totally ignorant, but why do you say the male/male thing "is a different ball of wax"? Love is love and betrayal is betrayal, we all have emotions, how is it different?

I hope you can find a reason to smile today and maybe even have a good laugh.

As for me, it's "Date night" again...gotta go figure out what to wear

 

[Sammyjo]

New topic -

One of the best things going on in our relationship is that when my husband travels he tells me he can't stop thinking about me, "it's like when we were first dating".

This has me thinking about dopamine. I would guess from what he said that I am now his dopamine hit (that's a good thing). BUT...thinking about the science behind P addiction, wouldn't this mean that eventually I won't give him a big enough dopamine hit? (Not a good thing) Feels like walking a tightrope.

Not sure who on here besides @Blondie and maybe @Jlied (haven't read your full story) has been P free AND with having sex with their partner for a while to be able to shed some light on this.

 

[Blondie]

Hi @Sammyjo, that's a good question, I'll write something after my exam today.

Best

 

[Jlied]

@ImBroken You weren't a dave downer. I agree with @Jlied this is a safe place for all to vent and help each other understand.

I was in the same place as you for months after d day. As Jlied said, 30 may feel like forever now, but IT IS going to take more time to mellow about this. I'm 7 months in and still on the roller coaster.

Regarding the strangely calm conversations that you mentioned, I think it happens because you're heart is so smashed you can no longer feel anything, unless you feel rage, and that rage is so powerful and painful none of us want to feel it. As for where I'm at emotionally with my husband, a day doesn't go by that I question if I am handling this right, by allowing some love creep back in...will he destroy me again? For me it comes down to if I let anyone "in" there is a chance they could destroy me, so why not try again with "my person" - the one that knows me best and I've shared a life with.

I preface all that with "FOR ME" - I'm not like most of the other kids

Maybe I'm totally ignorant, but why do you say the male/male thing "is a different ball of wax"? Love is love and betrayal is betrayal, we all have emotions, how is it different?

I hope you can find a reason to smile today and maybe even have a good laugh.

As for me, it's "Date night" again...gotta go figure out what to wear

Hey @Sammyjo I’m happy to hear you are giving this your best effort as well, it will go a long way with your husband and he will benefit knowing that while you are still guarded you haven’t given up on him!

 

[Sammyjo]

Hi @Sammyjo, that's a good question, I'll write something after my exam today.

Best

Good Luck on your test!